VPR Recap: Fear and Loathing in the Clubhouse
Hey Trashies! This week on VPR, Jax gets a baby scare, and the Toms bop around Vegas playing Drunken Junior Business Partner. But first, let’s go to where the action was…
This week on WWHL, our very own Ronnie K got a shout out from Ariana; specifically she praised his hilarious impression of Scheana on his WWCL podcasts. Congrats, Ronnie! How gratifying to get the Ariana Madix Stamp of Approval, especially when it comes to comedy. I happen to know Ronnie is acquainted with Ariana and Tom, and sometimes they cross paths while hobnobbing about town. Gee, I hope she didn’t flash her vagina when they last rubbed elbows, I must check in…
Then came the (possible) shade some of you noticed — Andykins totally trashed The Bachelor’s Arie (pronounced Ari), who it turns out is some major dick. Specifically, he said, “He’s not hot enough to be worth it,” and, “He’s just too weird, he’s like a weird, off-brand Jonas brother.” Ariana and Schænə were guffawing so hard, they nearly shook off 300 pounds of hair extensions apiece.
Shade or not, there’s one thing I know — Andy would totally hit it if he met Arie on a book tour.
You know you want it, Andykins 😉
In other news, Jonah Bromwich of the New York Times got a shrug emoji into a headline. Haha! You never know where that little guy’s gonna turn up. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Okay! Let’s get started…
We open with the first day SUR has opened after the fire. The place is all spruced up and gorgeous, and there are new touchscreens installed that Scheana can’t fingernail.
The Claw — foiled again
At the bar, Lisa hilariously tells Sandy not to be scared of the new chandeliers, because the ones for Tom Tom are “not that feminine”. Greatly relieved, Sandy asks how early the appointments will be on their Vegas business trip, inspiring much confidence. Now Lisa finds out Jax is coming, too, so it turns out Sandy didn’t even check with Lisa on that. Jax claims he’s going to supervise the girls at the pool.
Lisa asks how Big Bear was, and Jax and Tom describe James’s awkward attacks on Lala. Jax states the obvious — James still has feelings for Lala. Then he tries to high five Lisa, but despite having extracted an apology from Jax a week earlier via flashback, she’s not in that place yet.
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Now Schænə joins Lalz for a recording session at Rick Quest Studio. As they enter, Schænə says this place brings back memories. The last time she was there, she was married, and recording with Shay and James. Lala says she’s been singing her entire life, and was in a plethora of musicals. She finds music therapeutic, so she’s hired a team of people to help her record shit. This song is called 4U, and Lala wrote it for her man.
Lala put her own money into this, so when it hits no.1 on the billboards, her man won’t come knocking on the door to collect anything more than a monster BJ.
“Mmmfmlghgllmmf”
Once they’re done recording, they sit and talk. Schænə tells Lalz the gossip from Jax (that Rob doesn’t tell Schænə he loves her, and she’s trying to pressure him into it). Lala says, “Let’s say it’s true.” Schænə keeps saying she knows it’s not, but Lala persists. Even if it were true, she says, it would just be Rob being a guy, and getting spooked by commitment issues, which is no big deal. Lala says you have to ease guys into these discussions, let them bring up the subjects of kids and marriage first.
Meanwhile, Tom and Katie pack, while Gordo and Butter helpfully sit in Tom’s suitcase. “A couple suits, a couple shirts…” says Tom.
“A couple pooches…”
Then we scoot over to see Jax and Brit pack. Jax tells Brit they’re going to watch some strippers, then he says they’re not just going to braid their hair on this trip, they’re going to have fun.
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The gang arrives at Planet Hollywood, and the concierge tells them Lisa has taken care of their suites. Now Jax needs to get checked in to his little bitty room. He interviews that in no way is he jealous of Tom and Tom. In fact, he says, “I’m as happy as can be for them, and they deserve it.”
“Now excuse me while I pop a blood vessel”
The Toms’ suite is incredible, with this hanging swingy cage couch thingie the girls jump into. Ariana says, “If this is what it’s like traveling with Lisa, sign me up. I’ll be a dog.” Yes, she’ll be a dog, like in my recaps. Isn’t it weird watching Ariana steal the life of a nobody person who writes TV recaps that maybe 10 people and about 20,000 trolls read? Ten totally worth-it people, to be sure, one of whom is Andy Cohen, but still…
They hit the pool and do shots in the cabana, and Schwa pulls out the old line, saying that if this trip was a haircut, it would be a mullet, business in the front and party in the back. Then they drunkenly ride the wave rider, and pass out and vomit all over the place.
No.1 Vandercetacian
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Meanwhile, back in WeHo, Lala, Billie and Scheana go out for drinks. Billie tells them she did two yoga classes today, because she’s such an emotional mess. Seems she told her ex-boyfriend she just wants to commit, and he said, “Sometimes I can’t get over the fact that you used to have a penis.” She’s telling her — ex — that she wants to commit? Well, that’s a recipe for disaster. Billie cries that she just wishes this guy could just look at her soul and her spirit, and not her body.
Unfortunately, before we glean any insights into Billie’s love issues, Scheana jumps in, saying, “He’s maybe not the right person.” Then she goes on, “Not to make this all about me,” and painfully proceeds to make it all about her. She says, “Shay and I should never have been married, and now that I’m with Rob, I see it, because he’s the right person for me.” And that’s it. Nothing about Billie, just wall-to-wall Scheanannnannnananaanaaaaa. Billie stares frozen at the glaring Craycray-Scheanashay headlights.
”Um. What just happened?!”
Hey, wasn’t it funny when that caller on WWHL asked Scheananananaa why she kept the last name Shay? I used to think that was the only reason she married him, but now I think she was also trying (yet failing) to show Rob she was marriage material.
Now Lala says she’s going to hire Stassi to help plan her performance event. Scheana clarifies, “She’s assisted planning events with people who actually plan events, let’s be real.” Lalz grins and points a finger, saying, “There you go.” So James is going to perform one song, and she’s so nervous. She starts to cry, and says she forgives James every time he f*cks up, because she sees the person that he is.
Scheana interviews that she thinks Lala feels she owes James a lot, because he got her out of her shell, and helped her become the amazing performer that she is.
Billie says maybe James still has a crush on her.
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Meanwhile, in Vegas, Ariana and Katie are sitting around chatting amiably. Ariana says Katie’s almost an entirely different person when she’s not part of the three-headed hydra monster that is Katie, Stassi and Kristen. Gee, what a clever idea, that Katie, Stassi and Kristen fuse to form one monstrous compound creature. Does the bitch ever have an original thought? She says, ” If Katie was like this all the time, we would actually have a really good friendship.” Hmm, maybe she should check in with Katie on that.
”Wanna see my three-headed hydra face?”
There’s a knock at the door, and in comes KFC with a pregnancy test, wearing this unfortunate cape-and-shorts ensemble that’s open down to her navel, with her gazongas heaving out. Apparently she’s been barfing all over the place since Big Bear, and wants to check if she’s pregnant. Katie asks if they use birth control. KFC says no. Katie asks, “What, do you just pray and spray?” KFC laughs and says that’s the best way to describe it.
“Make way fer mah giant swingin’ hooters, gurls!”
They say, “Just go pee on the damned thing!” So off goes KFC to pees on it, and then they have to wait for the results…
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Meanwhile, the guys are in the casino blowing all their cash and getting snockered on shots. Sandy isn’t blowing anything; specifically, he says, he’s “kissing his sister”, which is just an icky way of saying “coming out even”.
“So long, and thanks for all the shots”
The girls show up, and Jax loves KFC’s outfit, calling it “girls’ night out”. She asks to have a word with him. He says he didn’t do anything bad except the amazing sex they had the night before. Then she pulls out the pregnancy test. Jax interviews that she can’t be pregnant, because he pulls out every time… at least a solid 70% of the time.
So now we finally learn that the test came out negative. Jax is relieved. KFC says Jax is lucky they live in L.A., because if they lived in Kentucky, they’d have at least two kids by now. What, is it illegal to pull out in Winchester, Kentucky? Or is she on the bulk discount plan at the WeHo Planned Parenthood?
Jax interviews he’s 10%, maybe 15% disappointed, and a small part of him wants to be a dad. He says if he could pride himself on one thing, it’s that he’s going to be a good father. He’d make them so busy, they’d never date, and they’d never get in trouble.
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Back in L.A., Stassi meets Lala at a bar to talk about her performance event. First, they order saké, which Stassi hates but pretends not to, then they talk about how amazing it is that they’re getting along. They used to hate each other, but Stassi says she sees herself in Lala, because Lala gets defensive and over-emotional. Plus, Lala’s loyal, and stands for what she believes in, which are qualities Stassi looks for in friends.
Lala says she’s chosen Stassi because all her events have been great. She wants a menu of cocktails that are the names of the songs, which Stassi thinks is brilliant. There will be five songs total, and James is performing one song. Lala interviews, “It just feels absolutely amazing to finally spread my legs, and be the person that I know I am musically.”
The camera guy says, “You just said spread your legs.”
“Bwahahaha! Wings, legs, what’s the diff!”
Then she asks Stassi what to do about James. It seems he cannot accept her just being a friend, even though they just hooked up one time two years ago. Stassi says Lala needs to decide if she’s okay being around James in a professional capacity.
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Back in Vegas, the crew is at a bartending convention, watching these bartender robots, which are upsetting Jax. Then they go gamble. Schwa has set up some strict rules for himself:
1. No shots after 6 am
2. One glass of water for every beer
3. “If I lose more than a thousand dollars, that’s it”
4. No going back to the ATM 15 times
5. “Vampire law is in effect — once that sun comes up, you run to your room”
Sandy and Schwa get up just as Jax and KFC hit the hay. Schwa interviews that they joke around and they jerk off, then he laughs and corrects himself — they jerk around, not off, but they’re not sitting at the kiddie table anymore.
Meanwhile, Jax and Brit are laying in bed, talking about the baby scare. Jax interviews that he thought after everything that happened between them that summer, this was God coming and telling them it’s time to have a baby. But it wasn’t, and that’s okay. KFC says, “You surprised us all with your reaction.” She says she thought he was going to be mad.
KFC interviews that of course, she’d keep the baby, and she thinks Jax would be a great dad because he’s so playful and a kid at heart, but it would be kind of like the dog situation, where she takes care of everything while Jax goes out whoring and stealing stuff.
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It’s Sandy’s birthday, and time for drunken business meeting no.1. The Toms meet Lisa and Ken at State Restaurant Equipment Co. to shop for place settings. Lisa has a vision for Tom Tom, which is not pretty, but industrial romantic — also, “industrial, sexy, now”, and masculine, unlike Tom and Tom.
She plans to include Edison bowls and such, as well as a plethora of other sparkling items hanging from the ceiling. Here we get some lovely renderings:
Gorgeous; almost steampunk-ish, in a romantic yet masculine sort of way. Schwa gives Lisa his opinion, not that it matters, and Lisa kindly tells him his opinion does matter, not that she’s going to use it. Then Sandy picks up a stemmed glass and says it’s really masculine. Lisa says no, it’s not.
“How could I be so wrong?”
Lisa scores a two-for-one deal, and Schwa gushes that shopping with her is like playing one on one with LeBron James. All in all, the meeting is a roaring success, since no one’s puked on the merch or passed out. Again, Sandy asks how early the meeting will be the next morning, because he plans to get shitfaced incapacitated on Lisa’s dime one mo’ time.
Schwa feels so professional! And he’s packed jello shots to celebrate.
“Bottoms up, birthday boy!”
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Back at the hotel, Jax gifts a guitar to Sandy, and the girls give him a cake with a chocolate penis on it. Tom sings some song about kissing his sister, KFC makes a joke about chocolate discharge, then the Toms and their ladies hit Mr. Chow for a private dinner arranged by Lisa, while Jax and KFC take off for Hooters.
Gotta love VPR
At Mr. Chow, the gang gets set up with fancy water. Sandy laughs, “Is this what it’s going to be like working for Lisa?” Ariana says she and Katie are feeling like trophy wives. Katie remembers how hard it was for Schwa to commit to Tom Tom, and to see him so happy makes her happy, because this is all she’s ever wanted for him.
Aww, that is so sweet. Is it wrong of me to hope the first Vanderbabies for them?
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Back in L.A., James prepares for a photo shoot with Jeremy. Lala and Raquel are there with him, cheering him on. Raquel asks if he’s doing it shirtless, and he says last time he did, because Lala poured champagne on his shirt. Raquel says she doesn’t need to know all the deets, but it turns out to have been an innocent thing, as we see in flashback. James says See You Next Tuesday has gotten so big, they’ve gone from fliers to posters, and who knows, maybe next week it’ll be blimps, with a party below.
Killin’ the damned game, c*nts
James asks Lala about the recording session, and Lala says she put Scheana in the booth, to sing “Yo yo yo yo yo,” (lololol), and it turns out the bitch is tone deaf. “Obviously I’m gonna cut her part,” says Lalz, causing Jeremy and James to laugh. She explains that this song is her baby, and it’s very much for her man. James asks if her man’s going to be at the show. Lala snaps, “What do you think, Kennedy?!”
“Probably yes, to support you, but I know he’s very busy,” says James.
Lala says he can’t make it, which James thinks is sad. He says if it was his girl, he’d be there to support her, that’s all he’s saying. Lala puts her foot down — James is not allowed to have one drink until after the performance.
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Back at Mr. Chow, the gang chows down on the sexy food while Sandy makes a series of goofy duck jokes. He waxes poetic about climbing the ladder to success, then they set a curfew for 3 am, and it’s off to Tao Nightclub for a birthday celebration.
The next morning, Lisa, Ken and Pandy meet with Ryan Thompson of Caesar Entertainment at Caesar’s Palace. This meeting has something to do with putting the wine list together for the club, which is frankly a very sexy moment, but it also has to do with pouring a giant, bottle-sized glass of Vanderpump Rosé at Caesar’s Palace, and drinking it with a straw; rather somewhat confusing, I must say. They’re all waiting for the Toms, who aren’t even up yet. Presently, the Toms drag themselves out of bed and take their Adderall and whatnot.
I don’t get it
Lisa says, “Where the f*ck are those two little twits?” Just as Ryan takes off, the Toms arrive, sweating out Fireball and reeking of ciggies. Schwa interviews that he’s excited about making some “buzhiness deshizhions”. Lisa tells them they look terrible and they smell like a brewery. Now it’s off to Nick Alain to check out the lights.
Lisa says she never uses a designer for anything, but Nick is more than a designer, he’s a craftsman. At the studio, Sandy and Schwa are a sloppy mess, with their hands all over everything, and Sandy’s flapping his yap. Lisa is literally swatting them away as she confers with Nick. Finally, she tells them to just leave her alone, and go do something in the other room.
She interviews that maybe she should redefine their roles; there’s gotta be a place for a couple of tossers somewhere in her organization. For those of you not familiar with this bit of English slang, here’s a nice definition:
tosser (plural tossers) (Britain, slang, pejorative, vulgar) A male who masturbates. (Britain, slang) An objectionable male, often somewhat obnoxious in demeanour.
Sandy actually comes back in to interrupt, and is sent away again. He interviews that he hopes she’s not questioning their partnership, which is the last thing he wants. As they skulk banished at the counter, Schwa slurs, “My liver is pickled,” and that’s where we leave things for now.
…
Coming up on VPR, Ariana flashes her vag. I feel like VPR is turning into the Ariana’s Vagina Show, seriously, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Till then, Trashies…
xoxo
~AS
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