Hey Trash Bags!
No white after Labor Day…hence Summer House is coming to a close. Carl fills us in on what has been going down. Basically everyone hates Cristina, and Everett has slept in a bed with four people, so Lindsay is irate. Okay. We’re up to speed. Thanks for the lispy recap, Carl.
Friday August 26 10PM
We are back in the kitchen where the girls are laying into Cristina for being the town meddler. Jaclyn has just told Cristina to STFU and she leaves the room in tears. Meanwhile, at the other horrible dinner with Everett, Lindsay, Carl, Kyle and Stephen…Lindsay is pretty pissed that Everett has slept in a bed with some randos, so she leaves the table as well. Our knight in shining armor, Carl, tells Everett to follow after her, and he brings her back all smiles. “Ohio,” says Kyle. This is the moment when I wanted to stab myself. Can we please stop with the lame jokes? Carl goes on and on about how great their relationship is, and how these little fights are just blips on the radar. Stephen thinks that their relationship is horrible and doomed…especially if they are getting advice from Carl. I have to agree with him.
Cristina goes to her bed to cry and the rest of the girls go skinny dipping. Kyle holds his ween for about ten years waiting to pee, then rides around on Ashley’s little bike “Crashley” until about 4 am. Carl and Lauren are out on the patio and, as they are making out he tells her to put all her weight on him. Umm…no girl wants to hear that. I don’t care if you are Tracey Gold in “For the Love of Nancy,” where she is anorexic or bulimic, and she turns to the mirror with her ribs protruding, no chick wants to hear that Carl!
I CAN LIFT 400 LBS…THAT’S YOU, RIGHT?
Sat Aug 27
The whole gang goes to some Rose party. Ugh. Enough with the Rose already! Carl and Lauren must have banged last night because they are very lovey dovey. Kyle makes fun of some chicks outfit as Everett is shit talking about Stephen and Cristina to him. Cristina pulls Lindsay aside to have a little convo about her moving out. Lindsay is a little taken aback and decides to focus on the fact that Cristina is 32 and SHE should be moving out! I mean, GOD! 32 with roommates? What a loser! PS guys…Lindsay is 30. There is a HUGE difference here. Obvi Cristina is super jello of Lindsay’s awful relationship with terrible Everett, so they bitch back and forth until Lindsay walks away. Meanwhile, Kyle has the hugest bottle of Rose ever, and is pouring it down everyone’s throats.
ROSE ALL DAY
Stephen lets us know that Kyle is “Helen Keller drunk.” Yep, that’s about right. He can barely speak…not sure if he can hear. Not shockingly, he befriends a pretty girl by the name of Daria. He says, “That’s some Game of Thrones shit.” Okay, now I don’t really watch Game of Thrones. I know, I know…best show ever…blah blah. I don’t care. Daria is not that though. Hello?! It was a great late 90’s cartoon about some cynical girl with brown hair and glasses. Get your shit together Kyle!
IF YOU DON’T KNOW…NOW YA KNOW…
Kyle isn’t sure if he likes blondes or doesn’t…and we get our first flashback of Stassi trying to distinguish the drunken language he is speaking. Over in the woods, Cristina is pretty upset about her recent exchange with Lindsay. What would make her feel better? If you said Ashley hobbling over in her boot to make her feel worse, you win $100! Ashley goes to twist the knife a little deeper into Cristina’s ribs, and Cristina tries to explain that it’s kind of hard to explain yourself when you are getting SCREAMED at by four girls at a kitchen table! Ashley loses her shit over this. For Christ’s sake! Her friend Alexis WAS NOT yelling! Geez. Settle down lady! Ashley proceeds to continue yelling at her and thinks that she is not in tune with reality and that she needs to take responsibility for her involvement in everything. Alright. Can we pause people? All Cristina said to Carl was that he probably shouldn’t cross a Wirkus twin, after he was BOLDLY flirting with Jaclyn at the bonfire. WTF?! I’m Team Cristina on this one.
Anyway, Ashley calls her a wet blanket (which I love to say) and drunken Kyle comes over to help. Although he is pretty incoherent, he has Cristina’s back and tries to squash the situation. After all, there’s no crying at Rose parties! Wasn’t that Tom Hanks’ famous line? He realizes that she says stupid shit, but SOMEBODY has to stand up for her! He’s the man to do it…as long as he can stand upright.
Lindsay is bitching to Everett about Cristina. She’s 32…she should move! But, she’d be happy to move in with Everett. Even when he was at war…I doubt he was ever this terrified. He looks physically ill, and laughs nervously at the thought of having to share an apartment with his psychotic girlfriend. Everyone else is playing beer pong, and Cristina goes to sleep sad and alone.
Ashley and her pal Alexis are having a chat about her relationship with her husband Brad, and also about her relationship with Lauren, and her relationship with Carl. Did that make sense? Who cares? I really wasn’t paying attention, because I was distracted by Alexis’ earrings. What the hell are they? Little Transformers? You guys figure it out. She wears some weird ones later, but I won’t bore you further with my commentary.
WHAT ARE THEY?
It’s the next morning and Kyle can’t find his phone. It’s literally in the bed with him about 6 inches away. Anyway, he discovers that in his drunken stupor, he has scheduled a date for today. With who? He can’t remember. He goes to meet her for breakfast, and surprise surprise!! It’s Daria. Well, actually it’s Darya. I guess my reference above no longer matters. Whatever, bitch. She orders a coffee and he orders a margarita or something. She then changes to tequila. I can already tell she’s a moron and so can Kyle, but, he invites her over later anyway. He probably has the shampoo effect. That just means that you’re still kinda drunk from the night before, so one drink gets to back to that level quick. You can thank my cuzzy for that reference.
UKRAINIAN WITH MISSING CRANIUM
She’s Ukrainian and 23…other than that. No one cares.
A bit later, the twins, Jaclyn, Stephen, and Carl go to lunch. Apparently someone invited Cristina (just to be nice) but they aren’t sure if she is going to show. They proceed to talk a bunch of shit on her, and then she shows up! She is heading home soon because she has a big interview with Wetpaint the next day. Carl lets us know that he realizes that he kinda threw her under the bus with his comments about her to Lauren, but, like the great guy he is…he’s just gonna let her lay there and die. Lauren DEMANDS an apology from her, and Cristina gives her one. Unfortunately, Lauren finds it insincere. Can this girl catch a break? UGH. Well, it’s like the twin’s mom always said, her apology was “a minute late and a dollar short.” I always thought it was, “a day late and a dollar short,” but what do I know?
Later that night, Everett has cooked up a storm for Lindsay, Stephen and Kyle. Kyle has also invited our pal, Darya, over. I can’t with her. She doesn’t really want food she just wants cigarettes. She is wearing some crazy 1970’s pants and some macrame top with a bra. I don’t even know what to say. Stephen says that she makes Lisa Frank look like subtle patterns. Okay. Now I’m gonna stop you right there, Stephen. A Lisa Frank reference? I got it because I used to have tons of notebooks, etc, with kittens and puppies and stars all over them. Really Stephen? Well, I guess it is kinda accurate. She breathes into a glass and her and Kyle have a spirited debate about whether the fog shows up due to physics or chemistry. Kyle talks about Amanda all night and sends this poor girl home in a cab. Sayonara sista.
They all go back to New York, talk on their phones, and Cristina has her interview with Wetpaint. It’s cringe worthy, and we head back to Montauk.
Friday Sept 2
Everyone is excited because they got their magnum of Rose. Ugh. Enough already! Kyle makes an announcement that he has decided to invite Amanda to the house this weekend. He doesn’t wasn’t to be “single Kyle” anymore. Well, this infuriates Jaclyn. Only because she has been sleeping in his bed every weekend. Where’s she going to sleep, for crying out loud?! Kyle, like the rest of us, doesn’t really care about her complaint. She’s upset because she has paid for the weekend! Really? We’re going to let the FITNESS MODEL be the mathematician? Good one Kyle. Whatever. They are arguing about this stupid crap, when Cristina comes in with big news! Pop the Rose, because she got the job at Wetpaint! Great job girl! We get about half a second to celebrate, when Everett and Lindsay come in saying that Lindsay acquired a new client on the way into town. Cristina’s balloon has been deflated, and so has my joy. Can we let this girl have a moment?!
F YOU LEVERETT!
In typical Cristina fashion, she turns into an a-hole. She brags about talking Lindsay up to her new client at Guac, when she didn’t have to. SHUT UP Cristina. I was on your side!
Amanda arrives and Ashley has made it clear to Kyle that he should spill the beans about his summer as “single Kyle.” I don’t know about you guys, but, I think this is a HORRIBLE idea! I guess she’ll see it on tv, so whateves. Anyway, he tells her that he made out with Jaclyn, and some others. She seems royally pissed and we get a “To Be Continued…” Damnit! Guess we’ll have to wait to next week. It’s the finale. BOOOOO! See ya then peops.