It’s been two long weeks since the last Real Housewives of Atlanta and it’s finally time to get to the bottom of Kandi’s Coated Taco. Did they, didn’t they and should we have to hear this? Yes, yes and hell no but we’ve made it this far.
Kandi has everyone but Freak and Factless over to hear about Porsha’s accusations. She even invites She-Bi Shamea over to deny everything on cue. Meanwhile, Porsha tells her story to the only person with room for her luggage cart, Lauren. I understand that she’s doing a cleanse but does she seriously think no one else in America has water for her to drink? I’m just gonna assume that she’s the guinea pig for Phaedra’s new diet holy water business. Porsha walks in with all of her drama and her sister warms her not to mess up the energy in her house. Is it the same energy that makes the walls behind Lauren look like Apollo went buckwild with a drill and she tried to plug them with peanut butter? Cuz that’s bad energy.
I want to believe that this is the last time I’ll hear Kandi repeat the phrase “eat me til I come” but I also want to believe that my lifelong obsession with Rocky IV was strictly based on my attraction to Sylvester Stallone and not the universe’s way of preparing me for the second coming of Russia. Speaking of coming, the women are all freaking out over Kandi’s story and they begin searching for the sex dungeon.
Sheree: And I thought the chateau had everything!
Cynthia: I could’ve eaten my Froot Loops in a sex dungeon?!
Kenya looks behind the curtain like this is Naked Gun 69 1/2 and there’s actually going to be a full fledged 800 square foot dungeon behind Kandi’s 84″ panels. We get some extra info this week. Apparently, Porsha claimed that Kandi and Todd intended to drug her and lure her back home. That’s clearly a lie. Why would they waste money on drugs when they could lure her in with trails of African phone numbers and IG dick pics? Shamea denies ever being invited back to their home for action and chugs the contents of her cup.
No word on whether she was conscious at the end of this shoot.
Porsha, in yet another act of rendering everything she says totally unbelievable, tells her sister that she was drunk and probably did say that stuff to Kandi. Never mind that, she deflects with the Marvin the Martian rumor instead of addressing her own stuff. I really and truly need to know what Lauren is thinking. Does she believe any of this or does she just let Porsha talk so she can continue to siphon money out of her business account? Oh, and are we going to just act like Lauren didn’t name her kid after Atlanta’s premier modeling fashion agency school/the woman Porsha nearly punctured with her stiletto on a boat?
Porsha: What’s heavier? A pound of air or a pound of my brains?
Lauren: That’s a trick question. You have no brains.
Back at Kandi’s, Cynthia cites Porsha’s accusations of Peter cheating as evidence of her habitual lying. Oh, Cynthia. Just take Kandi’s side and simmer down now. I think producers intentionally omitted this drug part two weeks ago to avoid letting social media run with it while the show was on a break. I know they’re supposedly not allowed to sue their cast mates but anything is possible and no one wants to play with drug and rape accusations these days. The group decides that Porsha will forever be known as Liar McLiar Face while Sheree holds her Phaedra cards close to her Chest by Chestee.
Phaedra goes to a church where the pastors are fasting. She says that fasting is a great way to gain clarity and while I agree, I don’t believe Phaedra has ever met a pork rind she didn’t like. She says she would’ve lost her mind without the church during her shameful, public divorce but she’s been through the fire and came out as gold. Uhh, does she mean the fire of running scams and air mattress sex to the gold of reality TV contracts and a stripper side piece?
“Just like Revelations promised.”
Also, divorce these days is like getting a pedicure. It’s only shameful if you walk away with a fungus. Someone please tweet her a list of all the things she’s actually shamed for, please and thank you. Anyway, she says her friends wonder how she has so much joy throughout all of this and by ‘joy’ they mean ‘unmitigated gall’. She plans to have a restoration service to heal the group and get a kickback from the collection plate.
Kandi and Todd are at the restaurant and they say it’s coming along. I’m not seeing the wonder that is OLG yet but Todd has washed his balls and that’s enough for Kandi. They have a totally fake conversation about needing a getaway and they decide to go to Hawaii. Between this and M2M, Bravo clearly got the Maui BOGO sale. Kandi doesn’t want Porsha to go but knows she has no choice and Todd wants Peter to go because they have a bet that Cynthia will buy him one more business before the divorce is final.
Kenya’s brother Ronnie is in town with his daughters. She wants to keep her nieces for two weeks and when he hesitates she claims that she took care of him when “I visited Houston as a child of 12”. The story already sounds fake. Who calls herself a child of 12? It’s like me being a baroness of 9 who formed a babysitters club that consisted of me putting Teddy Ruxpin in the corner for talking back. Ronnie asks about Matt and we hear more drivel about him being a good, solid man with a window trigger. He offers her his friends since she likes them young but based on this scene, Ronnie’s friends would probably be too smart and sane to appeal to her, Eagle Scout uniform and all. He gives thoughtful, mature advice and she jots it down on the back of her bullhorn operation manual. This won’t end well.
Cynthia, Kandi and Phaedra meet for lunch and to discuss Hawaii. Kandi orders a fish taco with no hint of irony. Phaedra even orders a drink to get through this one. she had her honeymoon in Hawaii so she feels strange going there without Apollo and a fetus. Plus, Peter and Todd hate her and are still trying to avenge Apollo’s sentence. All of these fools are going on the trip so this scene is pointless except for the part where the southern belle throws back her margarita and celebrates her restoration. Beauty for ashes and shots!
Sheree works out with Bob. I watched this episode three times and heard nothing. I’m just caught up in the sweaty eye abuse that is Bob. I think she invited him on the trip. It’s not clear. Just make it end!
Phaedra and Porsha are getting fat sucked out and melted off of them. Its just an excuse for the camera to use excessive crotch and ass shots in this scene. While in her fat melting garbage bags, Phaedra dons a grass skirt, locally sourced from Sheree’s at risk lawn, to invite Porsha to Hawaii. Porsha asks who’s going on the trip as if the list is going to read like the cast of Ocean’s Eleven.
“It’s the same group every year: Women you’ve hit and the friends who are next.”
Porsha agrees to go but thinks she’s going out of the country. Everyone is mocking her but did you ever stop to think that Porsha is a time traveler who doesn’t know anything because she pre-dates modern intelligence? I have to believe that. We have to believe that.
Everyone arrives at the airport except Flip and Flap who are on a different flight. Sheree nearly missed the plane because her car lost control on the sweat slick Bob left on the expressway.
Once they arrive, they have a dinner planned but it’s after 2:00 AM Atlanta time and everyone is exhausted. It’s basically a producer’s wet dream; they’ve traveled, they’re exhausted…someone might actually get choked tonight.
Porsha and Phaedra arrive a little later because Porsha refused to leave the airport until customs stamped her passport with a scratch ‘n sniff palm tree sticker. Todd tags along as the Porsha interpreter. He worked for a lobbyist so if anyone can spin crap into gold it’s this guy.
You know things are bad when a guy in platinum puka shells is your only hope.
At dinner, the table barely greets Porsha as she arrives in her Miss USA gown. I think it’s admirable that she’s bringing American culture to Hawaii. Phaedra is annoyed that she has to sit next to Peter – neither of them is a winner here. Sheree must’ve learned a lot from Iyanla because she starts in with wanting everyone to talk about their feelings. Cynthia calls out Porsha’s many lies towards Kandi. Cynthia will always defend Kandi who gave her a bed and Febreze in her time of need. Porsha acts like she’s shocked that Kandi told them about the argument. Porsha really learned nothing from NeNe. The key is to form a team before going into battle! Someone please take her to the battleship so she can learn a little history while in Hawaii. Also, if there’s a random cannon around, tell her there’s an emotionally unavailable NFL player in there and just see what happens.
Kandi asks if Porsha’s going to stick to her stories and she says she will because the ever reputable “someone” told her these drug, sex dungeon and lesbian relationship tales. When Peter hears the Kandi/Porsha kissing story, he says if Porsha kissed Cynthia they’d all be banging that night. And this, ladies and gents, is why he’s not seeking spousal support. One can only imagine the things we would’ve discovered about Papa Smurf in a contested divorce.
Kandi, as an accountant of 39, passes out texts that shall henceforth serve as receipts between her and Porsha. Porsha talks loudly while the cast tries to read as if volume can drown out the ability to read for people besides her.
“I said, ‘hi lesbian co-worker’ and Porsha said ‘hey girl, just sitting here in my Birkenstocks thinking about you!”
The texts suggest that Porsha was not concerned for her safety at all and actually had a great time on their freaky trip. Phaedra tries to be neutral but Kandi says the drug thing made her really mad. Sheree says to stop with drug stuff because if anyone knows the pain of being dragged into court it’s her. Kandi appeals to Phaedra’s conscience and tells her that she knows Kandi likes fun but would never do drug stuff.
“When I wrote “No Scrubs” it was originally called “No Drugs”!”
This could ruin her life and reputation although she’s totally fine with threatening to sue and then choke Porsha on national television. Phaedra must not have done a great job of defending Kandi because next week, she makes Phaedra ‘Attorney to the Pushers’ Parks admit that she was talking to a man before Apollo went to jail. Kandi also yells at Porsha some more and Bob’s abusive side resurfaces. Creepy. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!
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