Hey Trashies! Can’t get enough of the VPR boys in drag? Well, there’s more, and it just gets better. In fact, this episode contains the most amazing VPR scene there ever was, with who else? Sandoval in a dress, mm-hmm. Before we start, here is the official Bravo season 5 reunion seating chart, shaped in the form of a bite mark on James’s arm:
Official VPR seating chart / love bite
This week, we open in NOLA, with Ariana informing Tom, “We did figure out that the root is Vegas of all of Katie’s issues.” Behind her, Scheana chirps, “That’s the root! That’s the root of everything!” Sandoval says, “Oh, that’s the root! What about the four years BEFORE that?!” Schwa comes in and says, “I’m done. Dude. I’m done with her. I’m done with Katie. I’m not marrying her, I’m not. I cannot marry that,” which is where we left things last week.
Back to Katie’s room. Stassi says to Katie, “You’ve never talked to me about this! Like, whether Schwartz had sex with somebody. I had NO idea that’s why y’all are fighting.” Katie interviews, “Maybe I AM still harboring resentment towards when he cheated on me.” Well, of course! It’s got to be in the top ten Things Seriously Wrong With This Picture, for sure.
“That makes SO MUCH fucking sense,” says Stassi. “I WISH I knew it.”
Katie says this is something that came about when they were, like, not friends, but she didn’t want it to be public knowledge, because she was trying to protect Tom. Stassi starts weeping and blubbering, “I’m really sorry, I’m so sorry!”
“Oh GAAHD, what’s she going to DO to me?”
Then she interviews that she’s just going to pretend she didn’t know about it, so Katie won’t punish her for not realizing it was The Reason for Everything.
Meanwhile, Sandoval says, “Schwartz cheated on Katie. You think that’s the root of their problems.” Ariana says, “No, thats not what WE THINK, thats what Katie SAID.” Sandoval says, “She’s trying to act like thats what it’s about?” Ariana says, “She’s not acting.” Scheana sputters, “But you wouldn’t propose to someone who’s just angry all of the time, you don’t propose to someone who…” Sandoval jumps in, “He’s proposing to somebody who gave him an ultimatum.”
“No! No! Bullshit!” screams Scheana,”Fuck you for saying that Tom! Do NOT say that!”
Beware the Claw
Tom interviews, “I’m not pulling this out of thin air!” We flash back to 2014, when Katie gave Schwa the ultimatum. “I mean, nobody wants to fucking believe it, but its true. Maybe Katie should have worked this fucking shit out before she pushed Schwartz into proposing to her!”
Un-bunch yer panties, Miss Sandoval, we distinctly remember Schwa let the ultimatum timestamp expire (to drive Katie extra-special crazy), and THEN proposed to her without being required to do so. Why? Well, according to Schwa, he was trying to make her stop being mean to him. Okay, so go ahead and bunch them right up again.
Scheana shrieks, “He fucking loves her! He does! Otherwise he would not have gotten down on one knee and proposed!”
“Don’t put your fucking finger in my face!” Shouts Sandoval. “I got my fucking finger in my face all fucking night!” Ariana asks, “What are you mad about?!” Then Tom has the most awesome hissy fit. He hollers, “I’m sick and tired him fucking getting… just getting fucking belittled, and told what he needs to do, ALL the fucking TIME! Leave him the fuck ALONE! He’s a fucking battered wife!”
He kicks the bathroom door open to reveal Schwa on the toilet, taking a crap. “LOOK at him!” bellows Sandoval, waving an exquisitely manicured talon.
“Look at YOU, dude”
Meanwhile, Katie moans, “I’m probably the dumbest woman on the planet. I fucking protected his ass WAY too long.” Jax gets a bright idea. How about Katie give him another ultimatum? “What if you say, ‘Listen. Yes, I will marry you, but first, you need to tell me the truth’?”
“And give him a chance to flee?”
“You can’t give him an ultimatum,” says Stassi. Jax says, “SHE gave him an ultimatum for getting married.” Stassi says, “No she didn’t, it’s their joke, it’s their schtick.” Well, she did, but it expired, and… well, you know.
Katie hauls her ass off to lie in bed while Stassi does her dirty work. Stassi shouts, “Wait a second! Absolutely not. Absolutely not, you can’t talk like that!” while waving her hands in Schwa’s face. Schwa says, “I wish Katie’s cheated on me, I wish that was my only problem with them,” then he and Jax leave the room.