Last week saw lots of drama, but still only four beams at the Matchup Ceremony. This week promises at bare minimum something happening that makes Ryan Devlin say “shut the f*** up!”, so let’s find out what that something is, shall we?
Derricks suggests everyone try something called “relationship rehab”, which isn’t an accurate name since it’s just the whole house getting drunk and “opening up” to each other. Shannon reveals that she doesn’t have trust issues, just trust-ish issues, Kari says she’s never been in love at all, Tall Michael needs to speak for other people and that’s why he’s an EMT (okay), Gianna is insecure, Hayden’s more in love with being in relationships than with people, and Taylor hasn’t told anyone she loves them in four years which makes the following super important:
This kid being Andre.
Taylor and Andre are still refusing to separate, so the rehab was all for nothing except Jaylan being great, per usual.
Get it, girl
Moving on. Casandra and Joey, who I really like last episode, are already kind of grating on me.
Since Joey seems to be well on the way to surgical attachment at the lips with Casandra, Kathryn is moving on to Tall Michael, much to his glee. Hopefully he can improve his track record of winning zero challenges at this week’s, uh, challenge.
The getaway challenge is guy-centric this week and doesn’t have a cute name. Just kidding!
A little unwieldy, but I can dig it.
All the girls got into sporty gear for nothing, because they have to go back to the house and watch the challenge from the relative comfort – if certainly unsanitary conditions – of the house sofa.
Like a parade of the ghosts of douchebags past, all the ex-boyfriends emerge from the forest.
Dramatic hip-hop indeed, my friends.
Here’s where the challenge gets interesting: not all of the guys are true ex-boyfriends. Five are legit, but five are imposters! Will the AYTO guys be able to tell the difference?
Will Hannah’s attempted vehicular manslaughter be revealed?
The guys get points for both determining if the exes are real or not, and if they can tell which girl the ex belongs (well, belonged) to.
First up, Hayden asks Number 10 how long he and the girl dated, and why they broke up.
And does she like corn?
Number 10 says he and mystery woman dated for eight months and broke up when they started arguing and she kept calling him a little bitch; he said if she called him that one more time they’d be OVER, so she replied, “biiiiiiiiitch”. Who could that be?
TYRANNY STILL THE REIGNING CHAMP
Joey asks Number 2 the same question, and he stumbles through a very generic response about her causing drama among, uh, friends and exes. I thought he was fake, but it turns out he’s just boring and/or nervous to be on television.
“We thought it was better to split up”
Casandra’s ex said they broke up because she always thought she was right, and Carolina’s ex said that he cheated on her which made her cheat on him in retaliation. Sadly, Hannah’s ex didn’t reveal the car running over bit, only that they banged on the first date.
Surprisingly, the jerkiest contenders were the fakers; one guy who said that he hated his girl wasn’t more into fitness, and the doucheist brobag of all.
Although we know the reals from the fakes, the guys still don’t – and now it’s sorting time! They give it their best shot, but I’m not too confident in their skills and neither are the girls.
Word up. Do people still say word up? Where am I.
Jaylan quickly figures out one particular contender is fake based on visual clues.
Jaylan = best guy on this show. Only good guy on this show?
After everyone has put in their guesses, Ryan Devlin sends the fakers out as a group and calls the girls back in – because it’s only fair they have to be reunited with these bad memories in front of everyone, right? Right.
Maybe being run over by a car made Hannah’s ex shorter?
The first place winner of what I call “the best competition ever and that ever shall be” is Hayden, but second place is split in a four way tie between Michael, Jaylan, Derrick, and Ozzy. To break the tie, whoever answered fastest is the winner. I really REALLY want Jaylan to win, but there’s no justice in the world; and anyway, I foolishly wished Michel luck earlier so guess who second place goes to?
Hooray I guess.
Hayden picks Carolina and he wants to get Truth Boothed ASAC (as soon as corn. I don’t know, go with it). Michael chooses Kathryn and claims once she goes one on one she’ll fall in love with him. Maybe? Their dates will involve checking out the scenery from some high flying contraption that will probably pair well with being super drunk. But that’s tomorrow – now it’s time to go back to the house!
Joey decides to woo Casandra, who hasn’t been on a date yet, with a secret date of his own devising. It is..unusual.
“Trail of Froot Loops because she’s small and sweet”
“Ham and cheese sandwich with mustard because she loves that and so do I”
Casandra is 1,000,000 percent down, and tells us that she loves Joey because he’s sweet, eats as much as she does, and is even funnier than her. I mean, I want to dislike them but #Jasandra is growing on me again – just keep focusing on the Casandra part.
FINE, THEY’RE CUTE, OKAY
Back inside the house, Ozzy is not having fun, since he’s drunkenly trying to sort out why he and Hannah broke up.
Uh, besides the “No Match” part?
Hannah tells him it’s because he was always worrying about the feelings of other people, and feeling other people, but ultimately she decides she’ll forgive him and they’ll stay together. Excellent game strategy, guys.
Later that night, at what seems to be near maximum drunkitude, Hayden and Carolina discuss their upcoming date – and Hayden really sells himself as a romantic partner.
Is there anything better in this WORLD?
Somehow, Gianna overhears this conversation. I don’t know if she’s wiretapping the pool or what, but she’s pissed because she and Hayden were supposed to keep covertly hooking up, not be falling for other people.
Also, how does this game work again?
The next day, it’s time for some drinks in the sky action as Hayden, Carolina, Michael, and Kathryn go super high sightseeing. Always the sweet talker, Michael pays Kathryn the highest compliment a man can.
While they’re off trying not to vomit from the altitude and deepening feelings, Jaylan and Alicia are doing the cutest voting dance in the history of voting dances.
I DEMAND MORE JAYLAN TIME
The house is split on who to vote for, but Gianna chooses Hayden and Carolina for only the purest of reasons.
Because confirmed No Matches ALWAYS split up. Good strategy!
Back to the date! Michael and Kathryn are discussing why Michael always feels like he has to put on a front. In the past, when he was open with girls he ended up looking like an idiot or something; the date can best be summed up thusly:
Perfect match! Perfect match!
On the other side of the island date, Hayden tells Carolina that he and Gianna are just friends now, and his romantic feelings are just for Carolina. Someone really needs to tell Gianna that, though.
After the two couples get through feeling feelings and whatnot, it’s time to see who is ending up in the Truth Booth this week. It was a close race, but the winning couple is:
Heartbreak for two, coming right up!
Hayden and Carolina stand under the neon lights for what seems like an unreasonable amount of time, and then there’s a commercial break, but THEN:
FINALLY another match! Hayden’s excited, Carolina is crying tears of joy, and Gianna is crying salty tears of sorrow. As the rest of the house celebrates with shaken up champagne, Hayden and Carolina shake it up in the Boom Boom Room.
Gianna continues crying about Hayden being pried from her grasp, but she’s not the only one abstaining from celebration. Kari has HAD it with all the no matches that refuse to separate, and Taylor gets so mad at Kari’s totally reasonable frustration that she weakly flings a metal shelf thing into the wall.
Everybody sleeps it off, and we get to check in with our first confirmed match in the Honeymoon Suite.
Better than Eam
After a brief MTV Cribs style sweep through the suite, it’s time to head on over to the Matchup Ceremony! Cayden strolls over to join Keddie on the Perfect Match dais, and then we get down to business. Derrick chooses Shannon, which gets a variety of responses from the crowd; mostly like this:
Derrick says he’s just trying to win, which – HELLO – more people should be doing the same thing. Staten Island Mike picks Kari, Andre chooses Gianna, and Tyler – having been cruelly robbed of Shannon – picks Hannah. Once Hannah gets up there, Ryan asks what’s been going on with her and Ozzy since all these No Matches that won’t split up are really screwing up the game.
Defiantly, Hannah proclaims she’s just playing with her heart and it’s no one else’s business, but Ryan reminds her that they all win or LOSE together. Ooooh, I feel like that “shut the f*** up” is right around the corner!
Back to the matching; Osvaldo picks Taylor, and Ozzy chooses Alicia (dun dun dun). Alicia tells Ryan that she’s having trouble bonding with Ozzy because he’s still into Hannah, and Gianna decides this is the perfect time to interject her thoughts. From the midst of the crowd, she says it’s really hypocritical of the No Match couples that won’t budge because they were giving her and Hayden so much shit for staying together. Most people agree, but Hannah – of course – jumps on Carolina for agreeing with the hypocrisy-pointing-out.
There are quite a few “shut the f*** up”‘s tossed about the ceremony, and Ryan tries to get everyone to settle down. He lays in on the No Matches for screwing things up for the whole house, but everyone just starts screaming at each other until:
After everyone shuts up, he reminds them there’re only two weeks left and this isn’t rocket science, so start getting your shit together, guys! There’s strong applause, and then it’s back to the remaining matches. Well actually, first Ryan makes this face:
As for the final three guys; Jaylan picks Tyranny, Joey chooses Casandra, and Michael is fortuitously left with Kathryn. Moment of truth: how many beams will they get?
Five! At least it’s not four. Yay?
The extra beam this week makes Derrick get up and do that creepy chest strike from Fear.
20 year old references, anyone?
Tyranny is slightly less excited.
Na na na na na na na
Ryan’s all “congrats sort of but quit screwing up so much”, and then they’re on their way back to the house – except for Hayden and Carolina who pack up and scoot to the Honeymoon Suite.
Five beams is progress, no matter how small (I mean, it really couldn’t be smaller, but what the hell). Who were the matches, I wonder? I really am wagering on Joey and Casandra for one, but we know what happens when I want a couple to succeed. I’ll see y’all next week for what looks like a fight between Derrick and Tall Michael, and #Jasandra’s inevitable collapse.