Howdy Trashmii! This week on VPR, Jax almost dies, to the merriment of the Vanderladies. Also, we learn just how amazing Rob really is. Let’s get to getting, shall we?
We open at Rob’s cabin in Big Bear, where the gang is waking up after the previous night’s festivities. They’re all groaning and rolling around, while in the kitchen, Lala hits the bottle and asks if James remembers their talk from the night before. She wants to know if he’s going to be a kind person today. He says, “Yeah, sure.” He interviews that what he meant by saying he loved Lala is that he has these feelings for her that make him want to protect her, but it’s hard for him to respect her relationship.
Schænə says James and Lala have a very interesting relationship. They hooked up a couple years ago, and now they’re like bro/sis, but they fight all the time. Schænə doesn’t get their dynamic, but says, “If it works for them,” and shrugs. Here we see the dynamic trio, taking a shower in their swimsuits the night before.
They decide Sandy should be the one to cook breakfast, because he cooks such sexy breakfasts. Scheana wants to make sure it’s fresh for Rob, so it must be timed correctly. Jax is like, “Rob, Rob, Rob!” He says Schænə talks about him as if he’s Jesus Christ risen again. Then he goes out for a jog, and nearly passes out in 20 feet.
Meanwhile at SUR, Lisa is overseeing the hanging of some new chandeliers when in comes Stassi. Stassi asks how TomTom’s coming along, and Lisa says it’s a mess. Stassi asks if Lisa ever just parks it on the couch and watches TV. Lisa says not these days. Stassi makes some joke about Lisa shopping for ponies and polishing her diamonds, then she asks if Lisa will do her podcast. She admits to needing a little relationship guidance, so reluctantly, Lisa agrees to do it the next day.
Back on the lake, Jax bitches to James that he couldn’t run for more than 20 feet, because of the altitude. “I can’t breathe for sh*t,” he says. Meanwhile, inside, Sandy tells Ariana he was trying to get Jax to take a breath when they talked the night before, and he literally couldn’t. Jax is out on the dock doing sit-ups while James cheers him on quite sincerely, as bros tend to do. “Killin’ the damned game,” says James. Jax gets up and dives in, saying he’s going to swim to the buoy.
He stops short of the buoy and says, “Maybe not.” Rob shouts from the boat that he should chill at the buoy for a bit. Jax tries to swim back but he’s getting a pain in his chest, so he calls out to Max the lifeguard, who says, “Is he shitting us?” Then we go through the most wondrous montage of Jax’s life flashing before his eyes, from the chunky sweater throw-down, to the bloody forehead punch, to Lisa’s place right after the sunglasses-theft arrest, to Carmen beating him to the breakup punch, to Laura-Leigh calling him an asshole, to the Vegas impregnation, to nose-job no.3, to the felony charge in Hawaii, to admitting he had sex with Faith.
Finally, Max and Rob rescue him. “No more swimming to the buoy,” says Max sternly. Meanwhile, the girls watch from the kitchen window, laughing their asses off. KFC is laughing the hardest. She interviews how horrible it would be if Jax drowned, but only because they interrupted her gut-busting yuk-fest to ask.
Now Scehanana takes breakfast out to Rob in the boat. Ariana laughs in interview that of course it would be devastating to lose someone like that, but they didn’t, so it’s just funny. Gee, someone’s a Bitter Betty, aren’t they.
Inside, Jax starts complaining about how much Schænə brags about Rob, while Sandy teases him with little Rob compliments. Sandy says, “Jax and Rob, even though they’re close in age, they couldn’t be more different. Rob started a production company, has a cabin at Big Bear, Jax who’s a bartender at SUR, and is a known thief, and his relationship is in a shambles because he cheated on his girlfriend.”
“I cheated death today,” says Jax.
“You would’ve been fine, Rob was out there,” jokes Sandy.
Back at SUR, Lisa is overseeing the installation of the new chandeliers. She’s very pleased with them, and says, “They’re so beautiful, like heaven on earth.”
Katie comes in and starts rolling silverware in napkins. Lisa tells her this light designer is based in Vegas, and is making a lot of the stuff for TomTom, so Lisa’s planning a trip to Vegas, and she wants to take the Toms with her. Katie interviews that never did she think when she met Schwartz that he’d be a businessman, but now she think it’s the role he was born to play.
Lisa wants to hear from Billie Lee about Stassi’s podcast. Billie said it was so much fun. Katie says she heard on the podcast that she went to Thailand to get her vagina done. Lisa asks, “Why Thailand?” Billie says that much as you go to Beverly Hills for boobs, you go to Thailand for a vagina. Lisa asks how she chose the surgeon. Billie says he had the prettiest vagina pics around — (unlike a certain alleged ex). She says it was the best thing she ever did, and she loves her vagina. “Alrighty then,” says Lisa.
“And my orgasms are amazing!” says Billie. Lisa says, “I don’t need to know about your orgasms.” Billie says, “Yes you do!”
Meanwhile, at Big Bear, Sandy says Lisa messaged him today asking if he and Schwartz would go to Vegas on the 6th and 7th. It turns out the 7th is his birthday. Ariana says being left out of Vegas trips is kind of a sore spot for her, and here we get the most glorious of flashbacks, from Ariana’s pink unicorn birthday party, which, if we recall correctly, Sandy spent the whole time pretending he was enjoying while scheming to ditch her.
So Sandy wants Jax to come. Jax says it should be a birthday trip, then he tells KFC she’s coming, and she says damn right she’s coming. At this point, Sandy complains that if KFC goes, Stassi’s gonna want to come. Then he adds, “And so will James and Lala,” since Ariana’s got her radar out for heteronormative bullshit. Ariana interviews, “Did I make the guest list?” Sandy says nothing’s set in stone — he needs to check with Lisa, and he’ll get back to them.
Out on the beach, Lala does not see Katie around, so she’s taking her tits out, like a normal ex-yacht ho.
Now the gang goes out on the boat, and Sandy jumps from a rock into the water. Jax sits that one out. The girls go inner-tube skiing behind the boat, then the guys go, and lose their pants. They both happen to be wearing hot pink undies, only Sandy’s is an actual pair of swim trunks he thoughtfully donned for a pop of color under the board shorts, whereas Jax’s are just a soaking wet, sagging pair of skivvies.
Now its time for Rob to water ski. Jax says he’s surprised Rob’s not walking on water at this point, because according to Schænə, he can do no wrong. So there is Rob, doing these amazing flips, while shooting beams of light out of his head and healing lepers. Schænə says, “He water skis, he skis, he snowboards, he does it all. I’m finally dating a man.”
Back in WeHo, Tom and Katie are grooming their pooches when in walks Stassi. Schwa says he has a good idea for the podcast. Stassi asks, “Should I play ‘Would You Rather’?”
So Stassi’s wondering all the things she wants to know about Lisa, such as what she does when she’s home sick, or how did she bag a notorious playboy bachelor in three months? Schwa asks, “Is it too much to ask her, like, when did she lose her virginity? And what turns her on?”
Katie wants to go to Vegas, so the trip won’t devolve into the usual debauchery. She asks Stassi what’s up with Patrick. Stassi says he was disappointed in her for her meltdown at her party. She cries because she’s so upset that they’re repeating all their old patterns. Katie says it’s not a reflection on her, and Stassi says, “But who likes psycho girls?”
Back at Big Bear, Lala announces to the gang on the boat that she put her top back on before they got back. Jax says, “Bummer,” to which KFC says, “You’re not cleared to say things like that.” Rob drops off the girls and goes out on the lake for a little bro time. He tells the guys he bought this place 10 years ago, for $365K, to be precise. Then he put in recessed lighting, surround sound, and the TVs, which was his first opportunity to see if he could be a handyman. Now the house has quadrupled in value and he’s a bang-up handyman. Oh, and he also owns a house in Studio City, and I guess that one in Beverly Hills, too.
Sandy asks how he and Scehana are doing. Rob says, “Good.” He says they dated for ten years, minus the six she was with Shay. So they dated for ten years minus six; I see he speaks Schænənese, too. He says he was almost married before Schænə, to a legit princess of Brunei. But at the end of it, he wasn’t ready, and he had to let her go.
Jax weighs and balances, “Princess of Brunei, endless amounts of wealth; Schænə from Azusa, works at SUR.”
Now we find out that not only does Rob not kiss Schænə on the mouth, he also doesn’t tell her he loves her. He says he’s waiting for her to be in that place where she’s good, because it’s really easy for him to hurt people’s feelings. Waiting to do what, break up with her? Rob says, “Having a girlfriend is hard enough as it is. Why make it harder?”
Jax says from what Schænə tells her, Rob says he loves her every day. Something’s just not adding up. (Just subtract four, divide by two, carry the 1, flush twice, and there’s your answer.)
Now Tom and Ariana go out on the beach for the Vegas talk. Ariana says it sucks he’s going to Vegas on his birthday, which we like to believe is a little quandary Lisa’s thrown into the works for fun. Sandy’s like, “Oh yeah, I really wanted to do something with you, with everyone, on my birthday.” Ariana says, “What do you mean, everyone? I thought you wanted to spend it with me.” Tom interviews that the last thing he wants to do is assume that he can take Ariana along on his business trip, which is funny, since he’s already assumed he can take Jax.
He also says normally you’re not allowed take your girlfriend on business trips. Who told him that, Ariana’s vagina-fearing imaginary ex-boyfriend from Qatar? Ariana says, “You said you want to spend your birthday with me, so it’s up to you to find out how to make that happen.” Or else. (No nooky for another year.)
It’s date night for Katie and Schwa. They’re a month and a half from their one year anniversary, and they look f*in great rolling up to El Coyote on their scooters. They start off the night with jalapeño poppers, a skinny margarita for Katie, and an iced tea for Schwa. So far so good!
Katie says she never thought taking a job at SUR all those years ago would bring her to him, and then bring him to Lisa. “Bubbie,” he beams. Then he says they did some calculations, and found out he’s roughly 27% sexier now. Suddenly, the mariachi band comes up to serenade Katie. She’s so happy, Schwa cries tears of sweet, blessed relief.
Back at Big Bear, Lala and Raquel are talking about being in the mile high club. Lala’s not a member on commercial, “But on PJ, yeah buddy!” she exclaims. Now Raquel wants to talk about how Lala and James bond on a whole other level other than friendship.
Lala interviews that Raquel is a sweet girl, but it takes a tough bitch to deal with James, especially with Lala provoking him constantly, then screaming at him to back off. Lala’s not sure Raquel is up to the task at hand. She tells Raquel that she would never allow James to act in such a way that would disrespect her man, and Raquel has nothing to worry about, with her or anybody else.
Over at Villa Rosa, Stassi has arrived to do her podcast with Lisa, who’s had two glasses of wine, so her guard is down. They plop into these fluffy chairs and get to it. For an ice breaker, Stassi finds out Lisa’s celebrity crush is George Clooney, and the sexiest thing about him to Lisa is that he’s a philanthropist. She says that says a lot about how he is in bed. She asks Stassi how selfish pieces of shit are in bed, and Stassi says not so great.
So here’s the 411 on Ken and Lisa — she was 21 when they met. They got engaged 6 week after they met, and they got married within three months. Lisa says they met through her brother, and she felt an instant connection with him when they met. The first night they went out, he said, “I’m not going to give you my number, because I think I’m going to fall in love with you.”
He said, “I will never ask you to marry me, because I know you don’t want to get married.” She said, “Well, ask me anyway,” and he said, “Will you marry me?” and she said, “Yes, I will.”
Stassi gets that Lisa considered herself a catch in Ken’s eyes, and Lisa says every woman should have that attitude — you meet them on an equal footing, or it’s not worth going down that path. Stassi says, “You hear that, ladies? It’s time to adopt a new mindset.” Stassi says Lisa is a boss-ass bitch.
Lisa is actually really impressed with Stassi’s professionalism. That is, until she asks the last question — would Lisa rather swim in a pool of poop or dead bodies? Lisa takes the poop, because she’s positively swimming in critter doots over at Villa Rosa, truth be told.
Back at Big Bear, Schænə rallies the troops to help her clean up the house for the tenants. She hands Sandy a cottage-cleaning book Rob put together, to help guide them on their quest.
This includes locking up the jacuzzi, so the “hobos and the peasants” can’t use it, James says. But first, Lala and James jump in for a soak.
Meanwhile, Sandy tells Ariana she should come to Vegas. He’s checked with Lisa, who says, “Well, of course!” The accommodation is covered, and they’re just going to have to pay for their plane tickets. Ariana’s happy she’s becoming a bigger priority for him now — almost as big as Jax.
Over in the hot tub, James is behaving just fine, so Lala decides to provoke him again. She wants to talk about how Raquel said there’s flirting between them, and that she’s never seen James act like this with any other girl, ever, in the history of girls. James says he’s the one who found her. Lala wants to clarify, does James mean he discovered her? Well, yes, says James. Also, he was the first one who recorded her voice, and he discovered her talent, such as it is.
She says he’s going to have to change, and not be so touchy-feely and flirtatious with her now. James sulks that he’ll stay in his corner. Then he interviews that if he’d been that successful billionaire, Lala would have gone with him. “You know Ray J hit it first before Kanye, right?” says the Artist FKA The White Kanye.
Back to Big Bear. Schænə’s in bed with Rob, and says, “I love you.” Rob rolls his eyes and says, “Um.”
Then she tells him he’s so sexy, and he walks out of the room.
Now Schænə goes around waking everybody up, so they can help fulfill the cleanup checklist. Jax interviews, “I thought it was Rob’s house, I didn’t know you were making payments on it. Schænə, you’ve been here twice, it’s not your home.” Only twice? I thought she said they’d been going to Big Bear for 10 years. Minus six. (Equals four.) Hmm…
So the Big Bear vacay is over, and the gang packs up. James says bye to “Lalz”, and the gang hits the road.
Back in WeHo, Schænə just happens to be listening to her smash hit Good as Gold, when Kristen comes in.
Kristen has brought a belated birthday present from three months ago, that’s how often she’s checking in with Scheana these days. Schænə tells Kristen she and Rob are working on a business together called Divorce Closet, which is like an ebay for stuff you’re left with after you break up. She says for example, she has Shay’s snowboard in storage. Kristen asks, “It doesn’t bother Rob?”
“No! Nothing bothers him!” says Schænə.
“And that kind of almost bothers me,” she says, “that nothing bothers him.” It’s almost like he doesn’t give a sh*t, or something. Kristen interviews that she has to hand it to Schænə for inventing the most ironic business model ever. “Selling your ex’s stuff with your current boyfriend? Are they prepping for their future divorce?” So Kristen comes bearing another gift, a big steaming pile of Jax gossip. Jax has told her — and everyone else who wasn’t at Big Bear — that Schænə’s putting a lot of pressure on Rob to tell her he loves her, and Rob has said he’s not in that place.
“He didn’t say that,” says Schænə. “I know my man loves me. In fact, his actions every day show he loves me.” She interviews the fact that Kristen even believes this BS for a second is annoying as fuck. She tells Kristen Jax is threatened by Rob, because Rob is taller, better looking, younger and more successful, and Jax wants what Rob and Scehanana have — a love so strong you don’t even have to kiss.
Schænə says, “Rob and I are very much in love. Rob has a hard time expressing that. Come on, do you see the way he looks at me? He fucking adores me.” Sure, he has a hard time expressing it, but they’ve had talks about that, so it’s an issue they’re working on. She says they talk about getting married and having kids, they go house-hunting, and they’ve even named their firstborn daughter — Madison Marie “Parks” Valletta.
Wowzers. Schænə’s so hopping mad at Jax, she plans to mentally fuck with him. Specifically, she wants to ruin his relationship, which perks Kristen right up. “He’s going down,” says Schænə.
Next time on VPR, it’s Vegas, baby, and maybe… please, say it ain’t so… Vegas baby?
Till then, Trashies!
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