Hey Trash Bags!
You guys!! I’ve never been more bummed. There are only two weeks left of summer! I can’t deal. Ugh. Alright, Stephen is up this week to fill us in on what has been going down. It was Lindsay’s 30th birthday hoedown…Carl banged a hoe…blah blah… Oh, and Stephen dropped a bomb on Lindsay, that the night Everett didn’t come home- he slept in a bed with four people! Uh, oh…shizz is about to go down!
Sunday August 14
10PM- So, Stephen has just let Lindsay know that Everett slept in the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory bed the night he didn’t come home. I see her getting hives, and she goes up to calmly and rationally speak to Everett about it. Ahhh, yeah! Here come the fireworks! Nope. Where has our Lindsay gone? She is calm…and Everett explains that it is a “flagrant impossibility.” Is that like a flagrant foul in football? I mean, there is no way he could fit in a bed with four people. Uh. Ever heard of a California King, buddy? Who do you think you are? Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Well, nothing happens, and Stephen is pretty pissed that his drama arrow didn’t penetrate this week.
Everyone heads back to NYC. Cristina is tripping over all the names that she is dropping as the gossip column queen of the big apple. Kyle is talking about his fitness app and how everyone ruins their progress over the weekends. Agreed, sir. Tell that to my Fitbit. Anyway, Kyle, Carl, the twins and Lindsay all drive out together for the weekend. Lauren is a little uneasy about driving with Carl…but doesn’t show it.
The whole house is going to partake in a 5K race for Everett’s charity this weekend. It’s HOH. Of course, I immediately thought of Big Brother and the Head of Household. Unfortunately that wasn’t the premise. How great would it be if these guys were on BB? Uh…I’d die! Anyway, it’s some military charity, Heal Our Heroes. Great cause. No one shows.
Lindsay is acting super weird. She is trying to be the Worlds Best Girlfriend, and is helping in anyway she can. She’s an event planner, you guys. She is also wearing the dumbest shirt ever. I honestly don’t know what it even means. Is this from the Kristen Doudte line?
Fridays we be like…squad goals. Huh?
So, the Wirkus Twins are chatting it up, and married twin (Ashley) is concerned that Lauren will just take Carl back after he embarrassed her by hooking up with the Cali hoe last weekend. She has said “like” 100 million times, so Ashley knows that Carl will charm Lauren right back into his tall, yellow toothed, gangly arms in no time. Lauren asks Carl to chat out on the patio, and he’s a dick as usual. “Are we dating?” Well, I’ll answer for Lauren. “Umm…no ASSHOLE! It’s still rude to bang some skank when I’ve been sticking my tongue down your nasty gingivitis mouth all summer!!” UGH!!! Well, she calls him bipolar, but, forgives him, of course. Not before throwing Cristina under the bus though. He said that Cristina gave him the impression that Lauren was WAY more into him, then he was into her. OMG. I have to have Cristina’s back on this one!
Sat Aug 20
It’s time for the charity 5K. Kyle is pretty pissed because Everett has a stacked team of military dudes, and he has the Wirkus twins…who are stacked in their own ways…boobs. Hey! It’s hard to run when you’re heavy up top! They are doing some team race where you have to carry weights as well. It’s all good…until…Ashley twists her ankle. She thinks she’s fine, so she tells everyone to run ahead. Well…she was wrong! She completely F’D her ankle! She was left for dead, and I was expecting to see some Troop-Beverly-Hills-like move, where some other team carried her to the finish line. Nope. Some truck picked her up and took her to the ER.
Lauren had felt her twin pain, just like those commercial from the late 80’s. Remember? A twin burns her hand on the stove and the other twin, 100 miles away, feels it?! Anyone? Bueller? Whatever. The boys call to check on her, and she’s in a lot of pain and needs crutches. Kyle is worried about this, because she is already super needy and bossy. She is going to need a Wirk-a-sette….good one Kyle. She has no idea how crutches work and is pissed that there wasn’t some class. She gets back to the house and Lauren wraps her casted leg in a trash bag so she can shower. Umm…probably should have taken off the yoga pants prior…just a thought.
Kyle is calling his partner about his fitness app, but is getting terrible service. Ten feet away, Ashley FaceTime’s her hubby to show him her ankle and how miserable she is now. He doesn’t really care, and she has a breakdown about leaving her sister to go live with her husband. Okay…let me repeat that. She has a breakdown about leaving the Summer House full of trash, and her sister…to go live with her husband! Now, I don’t have a sister. We’ll, I have a sis-in-law and two brothers. I adore them all…but NEVER would I give two shits about leaving them to go be with my husband and start a family. Whatever. I guess I’m not a twin. (thank God)
NOT WITHOUT MY SISTER- THE NEXT SALLY FIELD MOVIE
Lauren is super concerned about her sister, as shown by her playing the stupid hand slap game that elementary school kids play, with Carl. Kyle is upset, because, for the first time this summer…his bed is empty. Please block his calls Amanda!
Sunday 11 AM
The gang is carrying around giant fishbowls full of liquor. Lauren is cleaning, as usual, and they are about to embark on a party bus. I’ve never been to Montauk…but is a party bus necessary? They go to the Crooked Ladder and Kyle gets sloshed on the free beer. Jaclyn shows up and Kyle, in his drunken stupor, is thrilled that she goes from 1-100 in a moments notice.
They are all pretty wasted now. There is a stripper pole on the bus, so fun ensues. Please stab me if I’m ever on a party bus with a stripper pole again in my life. Beyond over it. Anyway, everyone is making out. Everett and Lindsay. Carl and Lauren (which Ashley is pissed about). And, SHOCKER! Kyle and Jaclyn. This is snooze fest 2017 for me…who cares?
10PM- They chow down on pizza and it’s late and Kyle is hammered…so he is missing Amanda…as usuge.
Everyone is back in NYC. The twins are getting facials and talking a MASSIVE amount of shit on Cristina. I guess they have “party pimples.” I wasn’t really listening, because I kinda wanted to get a facial with the twins too! Anyway, later Kyle and Lauren pick up Jaclyn and head back to the Summer House…I guess it’s Friday now. There is NO WAY IN HELL I’d do this every weekend! Okay…maybe when I was 21…not now!
Pretty much everyone is at the house now. Lauren has invited her pal from college, Alexis, and she comes in with a beer bong. Umm…thirsty anyone? You guys. She WAS going to come in saying, “What up geeks?!” But, she didn’t. HAHAHAH! This chick is hilarious! Stab me.
I’M 40! LET’S BEER BONG!
Lauren let’s us know that she can still open her throat and take a big one. Eww. Gag me. Wait. What? Lindsay and Everett give Ashley a scooter so she can roll around and she names it “Crashley.” Are they TRYING to make me turn off my fave show?!
Stephen arrives, and he tells us he just needed a break. He needed to calm himself and regain his patience. I feel ya brotha. Namaste my friend.
Okay Trashies. Here’s the meat and potatoes of the ep. We shall now intercut between the girls (twins, Alexis, Cristina, Jaclyn) and the boys dinner (Everette, Kyle, Carl, Stephen and Lindsay!) Let’s just do one at a time:
Girls: They are all at the house, drinking Rose and eating dinner. No better time to slaughter Cristina. Am I right ladies? Lauren goes IN on her. She is pissed that Cristina gave Carl the impression that she was more into him than she was. Cristina is kind of shocked and states that maybe he’s just not that into her! Chill out lady! Unfortunately, she then brings up the bonfire where Carl and Jaclyn were flirting it up! This infuriates Jaclyn, so she says, “SHUT THE F UP CRISTINA!” Cristina says that she was APPALLED by Jaclyn’s actions at the bonfire. They all royally hate on Cristina, and make fun of her gossipy, news lady tendencies. Ugh. I feel bad for my girl, Cristina. She IS a meddler…but I think she meant no harm. Plus, she SUCKS at arguing! The twins should have been lawyers, as far as I’m concerned!
TONIGHT ON BASHING CRISTINA LIVE!
Meanwhile at the “boys dinner.” Everett has turned against Stephen. Uh, the guy JUST got to town and here we go! Lindsay brings up the fact that Stephen told her that Everett woke up in a bed with four people the night he stayed out. Everett is furious, because he is guilty, and Stephen is cool as a cucumber. Yay for Stephen! This guy knows how to hold his own. Take a lesson, Cristina. Everett and Lindsay are fired up. They are pissed at Stephen, but, of course, turn on each other. Carl and Kyle are uncomfortable, as most people would be, and comment on the legit-ness of the sea bass. Classic. Lindsay gets pissed off and leaves. Not before vowing to sleep in a bed with a dude herself that night! Good luck honey! You’re a pretty girl, but, you crazy! No man wants to sleep next to you! I’m sure a nice man will sleep next to your boyfriend though.
Anyway, love you guys! See ya next week!