Howdy Trash Bags!
I’m talking like a cowboy because Stephen opens the show with his recap of last week looking like Woody from Toy Story. I’m not sure what is happening with his looks this season, nor do I really care. I’m usually a Stephen supporter, but he was BEYOND whiny this episode.
However, his puns are on point. Ashley smashed the watermelon last week so he said that things got “melon-dramatic.” Somebody give this guy an HBO special-STAT! Alright, let’s get into the show.
So, we start where we left off. Ashley, Carl and Stephen are having cocktails and Stephen is spilling the “cock tails” about Carl. BOOYAH! I’m available for an HBO special as well. Take that Stephen! Anyway, Stephen says that Carl told him that the best head he ever got was from a guy. Does this shock anyone? Carl explains that he was in a threesome with GIRLS and a gay guy happened to be there and hopped in. Honestly, I don’t care about Carl’s sex life. What I DO care about is how long his neck is and how he probably would appear to have a neck scarf of hair if he didn’t shave it. Massive amounts of razor burn up to his chin.
AND MKE WAS CALLED A GIRAFFE???????
Really, no one even cares about this except for Stephen who whines and almost breaks into tears because Carl called him a liar and people think he has a crush on him. Umm….you do Stephen. Deal with it.
It’s four days later. THANK GOD we didn’t have to deal with the stupid “work” BS of New York. It’s Friday and all the moms are coming to visit this disgusting cum house. Carl and Lindsay drive up with Carl’s mom, Sharon, and Lindsay’s Aunt Rhonda. We kinda met Aunt Rhonda last season when Lindsay called her about her absentee mother. I’m just going to put it out there…I LOVE AUNT RHONDA.
The Wirkus twins show up first with their mom, Dana, who we also met last season and looks like Kim Zolciak Biermann before the plastic surgery.
Kyle gets his car washed and I’m not sure why this is a scene, but he is the most excited ever. Lauren tries to open a wine bottle with her teeth, Carl mentions that his mom’s shorts are longer than his (everyone’s are) and Kyle and Amanda’s moms will come tomorrow. Everyone is kind of having a blast…enter buzzkill Stephen. He didn’t invite his mom because she doesn’t accept his sexuality. Well, at least he’s got his tall boys of Twisted Tea to comfort him.
Lauren and her mom have a little chat about Carl as they are getting ready and her mom tells her some words to live by: “When the bus has lost control, get out of the way. And that is one large yellow bus!” Cut to Carl in a bright yellow shirt. Genius.
Danielle and Amit are not there because his mom is dead and she doesn’t want to deal with Carl. Umm, did you guys notice? I did not.
The gang sits down for dinner and Carl makes a toast to his mom who rode 8 hours on a bus to get there. WTF?! This bitch is nuts (actually she seems really sweet.) There is constant chatter from the Wirkus Circus, as usual, and Carl finds it funny that Mama Wirkus is from Carlsbad. It honestly took me a sec, because my cousins live there, then I remembered that it’s Carl we’re dealing with. Carl’s-Bad. Lame.
The moms and “kids” play beer pong. Kyle gets wasted. Stephen pouts. Pretty typical night.
Lindsay has a little drunken heart-to-heart with Aunt Rhonda about Everett. She plays her a voicemail that Everett, most likely drunkenly, left for Lindsay and they chat about their relationship. During all of this Lindsay catches a wasp in midair with her hand. Honestly I was very impressed…and terrified. Lindsay thinks that Everett is on a campaign to make Everett and Lindsay great again!! Were they ever?
Carl’s mom has had a couple glasses of wine and he comforts her because she is getting divorced after 34 years of marriage. What I didn’t realize before was that the dad left and is moving in with another woman who he is going to marry. What an asshole.
The moms and aunt leave and we see a little clip of Danielle for no reason. Why does her chyron say that she is a “tech product manager?” We all know this bitch doesn’t have a job.
It’s getting late and Kyle wants to party, but, Carl wants to FaceTime with some chick. Super smart with the Wirkus twins downstairs, and Bitchy McGee. Ashley and Stephen go upstairs to eavesdrop on Carl’s convo and they hear the girl saying that she saw a psychic who said that she’d meet a 6’4″ guy who lives on the beach. She sounds like a real winner.
Of course, they immediately tell Lauren who confronts him, with Ashley chirping behind her back the entire time. Ashley tells her that it’s not worth it, and the guy is in his underwear so this isn’t the time.
CARL. CARL. CARL. CARL.
Lauren tells Carl to pack his bags and get out. Obvi, he doesn’t and the rest of the crew go party. Lauren has a mini meltdown that Stephen is eating up with a spoon, but Kyle sees right through it and so does Lindsay. They realize that Stephen is the culprit and the pot stirrer. DUN DUN DUN!!
They get back at 2 AM and Amanda tells Kyle to, “take me to bed, or lose me forever.” Oh, wait. That was Meg Ryan in Top Gun. Amanda said, “It’s 2 AM and if you’re gonna fuck me it’s gonna take a while. So we better go to bed.” Hemingway is not dead people.
The next morning Kyle’s mom, Jane, arrives. She’s a bit of a spitfire, and tells Kyle, regarding his relationship with Amanda, that couples should share a 2×2 space and make sure their sex life is good before committing. Sounds logical, but I agree with the great Adam Carolla, who said the key to a great relationship is a lot of square footage and two DVR’s.
Amanda’s mom (Donna) arrives next and the foursome go to brunch. They seem to get along, and Amanda and her mom are seriously twins.
THE FAMILY THAT DRINKS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER
Lindsay has a convo with Carl about his friendship with Stephen. Honestly, I was barely listening because I was distracted by Lindsay’s pizza towel.
Stephen and Mama Wirkus have a therapy sesh and we learn that Stephen came out to his parents when he was 23 and they didn’t really accept it. She gives great advice to love himself and find someone who appreciates him. Blah blah…it was sweet.
It’s the final day with the moms and they all drink and have dinner. We hear the story of how Mama Wirkus found out she was having twins and there is a sweet moment between Carl and his mom. She’s having a tough year with all she is going through with her divorce, and Carl is a loving and caring son that comforts her.
I FEEL YA SISTA
I hate to end on such a sweet note. Well, Everett returns next week…so that should be entertaining!
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