Hey Hey, you trashy fucks. It’s been entirely too long. Welcome to the first installment of TheMiki Gets Super Drunk and Trashes the Movies. Each week I’ll be recruiting a friend to drive me to the theater, where I will get absolutely shitwrecked while watching whatever movie looks the stupidest, and then come home and tell you all about it. There will be spoilers (lots of them) so consider yourselves warned. Also, on top of being three sheets to the wind, I’ll also be recapping everything that happened from memory. So… A lot of this may be wrong. If you want accurate movie recaps I hear Wikipedia is an awesome place for that.
On with the cinematic dreck! For our premier recap I went and saw Jupiter Ascending, because the trailer made me laugh several times and at no point was it trying to. Also, because Mila Kunis.
Jupiter Ascending opens with narration and closes with narration, but has no narration in between. This is what I like to call a Narration Sandwich, and it’s usually the mark of a director (or team of directors) that has given up and just wants their damn paycheck. We learn that Jupiter’s parents were super smart and Russian, but then some very Russian thugs broke in to their house and robbed them and shot her dad, and so her mom named her Jupiter because nothing heals the pain of growing up without a father like having a really fucking stupid name. You might as well buy her a stripper pole and some acrylic heels for her tenth birthday.
Fast forward to now. Jupiter is a maid because the Wachowskis want us to believe there is a world that exists where girls that look like Mila Kunis scrub toilets and live in whimsically overcrowded houses with all their relatives. This is what’s known as science fiction/fantasy. Try to suspend your disbelief for now. We haven’t even gotten to the rollerblading werewolf with wicked eyeliner yet.
Off on some other planet there are siblings who live in opulence and everything is covered in gold and they all talk in affected not quite British accents and dress like they’re on their way to a winter formal at a rich kid private school. They’ve inherited some shit from their recently deceased mom, and the one I call Mr Shouty-Whispers has inherited the Earth. Only he says it like “Uuuuuuhth,” so you know his intentions can only be evil. Aside from Mr Shouty-Whispers there’s also his sister, Unremarkable Girl, and his brother, Pretty Like a Girl Man. PLAG-Man wants the “Uuuuuhth” but MSW is like, “Nuh, uh. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuth is worth more than every world you own combined.” Oh damn, son. We must have stores of Unobtainium hiding around here somewhere.
**Spaceships and aerial shots of alien worlds for five minutes because the Wachowskis want you to know that they at least know how to direct set-building**
Back on Earth, space bounty hunters or something are looking for Jupiter Jones because reasons. MSW wants her killed, but the other siblings want her alive. I think we might have the makings of a Space Bounty Hunter Rumble!!!
In a strange and never really fleshed out subplot, Jupiter is selling her eggs to a fertility clinic. Maybe there’s some sort of underlying meaning that ties into the narrative, but fuck this movie if it wants me to dig into its deeper meanings. I totally didn’t bring enough whiskey and I’m realizing I have 100 more minutes to get through. While preparing for the weirdest fertility treatment ever, Jupiter starts floating and all the doctors turn into aliens. Before one of them can shuffle her loose the mortal coil, Channing Tatum air-rollerblades in to the rescue. I wish I was joking, but his character has “gravity boots” that give him the ability to skate around like a douche at the Ice Capades through all the fight scenes, making it impossible to not feel like you’re watching some sort of gritty Xanadu remake. Oh, did I mention he’s half werewolf and wears eyeliner? Because that’s important.
Channing is taking Jupiter to Planet Posh Dinner Party for PLAG-Man. But first they stop to see one of his old friends, where we learn that Jupiter is space royalty because she’s immediately covered in bees. Yes, bees can detect royalty and automatically swarm around it. Somehow Jupiter has made it her entire life without ever being near enough to a bee to find this out, but it’s enough to convince everyone that Jupiter is some reincarnation of the siblings’ dead mother, and that she is the actual rightful owner of the earth.
Some more bounty hunters show up and there’s a lot of air-rollerblading and pew pew pew and eventually Jupiter is headed for the shiny planet full of awful rich people to… claim her throne? I guess? I’m pretty sure this movie wouldn’t make much sense sober either.
Goddammit! This movie turns into such a convoluted mess at this point that I have no fucking memory of what happens next. It jumps straight from bees to Space DMV in my head. Oh well… Probably some super forced sexual tension between our two leads and lots of expositional dialogue. Leading up to… Space DMV! Yeah, this movie is whimsical, and it wants to make sure there’s no doubt whatsoever of its level of whimsy. Watch as Jupiter Jones ascends to the throne by standing in multiple lines, being told she needs different forms by people wearing strange steampunk attire who look like they escaped from the set of Brazil (which would be a strange move. Don’t escape from the set of a good movie to hide out in this schlockfest). This random comic interlude has been brought to you by whimsy. Whimsy: It’s like comedy, but with less laughter and a lot more cringing.
Jupiter can totes rule the Earth now, you guys! Isn’t it exciting? But first, Unremarkable Girl would like to offer up her assistance by getting naked and hopping in a fountain of youth and emerging 30 years younger and quite a bit hotter. Neat! This planet must be the high-tech magical future version of Southern California.
PLAG-Man tracks Jupiter down and tells her that the fountains of youth are harvested from humans and that the earth is really just a factory to produce this shitty rich family’s botox treatments. Blah blah blah, humans are but cattle, blah blah not-very-subtle-Vegan-undertones, blah blah. He tells her that he knows it’s wrong to treat people like a commodity and that if Jupiter marries him they can work together to keep the earth humans safe. Then his cronies throw Channing Tatum out the airlock because PLAG-Man has nefarious motives (namely, NOT keeping the earth safe), but Channing survives with the power of hotness and rollerblading and shows up just in time to stop Jupiter from marrying PLAG-Man. Whew! What a non-stop thrill ride.
Shouty Whispers has had enough of this mucking about, so he says fuck it and kidnaps Jupiter’s entire family and puts them in a cryofreeze and is like, “Bitch, surrender the Uuuuuuurth to me or yooour faamily wiiiil diii-iiiie.” He talks like those evil vampires in Twilight, which leads me to believe the movie I’m watching should actually be called The Matrix 3: Breaking Dawn.
Jupiter is super sad, and Mila Kunis is just emoting her little heart out while Shouty Whispers chews on all the scenery like he’s a baby puppy and the set is made of Nylabones. Rather than sign the earth over to an evil alien dude, Mila says she’ll sacrifice her family to protect her planet. I suspect this decision was made easier by how much WHIMSY was going on in that house back on earth. My god. A person can only take so much.
There’s a fight, the evil guy dies, Jupiter gets to go back home to earth, her family gets zapped with Men In Black lights and remember nothing, and Channing Tatum gets his wings. Again, I wish I was fucking joking, but this movie seriously ends with Channing Tatum, the rollerblading werewolf, getting back his wings, which he lost for biting the mailman or something. And then him and Jupiter fall in love despite having no chemistry whatsoever, and they fly across the city while Mila slaps the final piece of bread on this narration/shit sandwich.
Final rating: 2 out of 5 (bottles of whiskey required to not start bashing my head into stuff). At least it’s pretty. I’ve dated girls with way less substance than this movie and they weren’t nearly as easy on the eyes as this set design was.
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