Last week, the best and the brightest group of American women landed in Barcelona for the girl’s trip of a lifetime. The RHOA happened to travel there as well.
This week, Eva walks around the entire house offering coffee to the women. Cynthia and neNe aren’t interested because they’re trying to figure out how to say “ we are mature ladies seeking Ensure” in Barcelonian. Porsha isn’t interested in any brown drinks that aren’t Hennessey and Kandi is not wasting precious stomach space on liquid. The only taker is some bum who slept on a bench last night – oh, it’s Sheree. She’s confined to the basement which is sweet karma for her pretending to have a completed chateau last season. I’m kind of annoyed that she made the Tyrone/prison comparison before I could.
If Kandi isn’t on time for anything, she’s on time for a meal. For the record, I’d give anything to be sitting on that balcony eating breakfast right now. It looks so beautiful. Cynthia arrives next and both she and Kandi had a hard time sleeping because their doors didn’t lock. I don’t get the big deal. They could just barricade themselves in their rooms with their respective wig supplies.
More of the women arrive and we find out that they stayed up until after 3AM twerking in the villa. Porsha feels like that was the key to her making up with Cynthia. Kandi hopes that Marlo will be on better behavior today since she kept coming for her yesterday.
Last week’s episode ended with Kim sending footage of “roaches” in NeNe’s bathroom to the entire group. All of the women agree that it was wrong and Kandi says that sometimes parents need to pull their kids to the side and correct them so that an adult doesn’t have to check a kid. For years, Riley had a great relationship with Kim’s second generation blow up doll but that was all ruined when the friendship suffered death by remix.
Cynthia says that Kim’s friends need to talk to her about this but Sheree denies responsibility. They raise their children differently. Sheree puts her kid son air mattresses and Kim puts air mattresses inside of hers. She tries to claim that Brielle was just taking a selfie but the women all point out that she zoomed in on the bugs. Come on Sheree, a group this self-absorbed is not going to fall for a selfie misdiagnosis.
In another callback to last week, Eva is mad that Shamea called out her supposed lesbian relationship. Kand says that she better get used to it; in this group, souls are optional. Shamea and Marlo don’t understand the issue because Eva talked about her daughter and relationship. Eva explains that she only wants to talk about things that she brings up which is about the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. She isn’t cut out for this show at all. She says that since Michael is running for office, there is some stuff she does not want to discuss. Marlo tells her in the future to just respond that it isn’t there business otherwise she’ll end up having to backpedal like Porsha. I’m guessing that Nene gave the marching orders to target Porsha today. The editors show Porsha backpedaling last season. NeNe finally appears and announces that she’s found a hotel room. I was wondering how they were able to trash this Airbnb when they usually get a discount for publicity. I guess it was all part of the show.
On the bus to their first activity of the day, Cynthia wants a girl on girl kiss for her bucket list challenge. Kandi refuses to kiss any other girl in their circle again. Porsha volunteers for it. Cynthia can’t even be sexy and fun with it. She’s asking who’s putting who’s tongue in who’s mouth. Ugh, she is just the worst. Who plays 21 questions while making out? Cynthia. Cynthia Bailey does. Also, she totally swishes water around in her mouth before the kiss because…Cynthia stinks. Guys. We have like 7 solid weeks of evidence here.
After the bus kiss, the women rent go karts. Porsha and Shamea laugh at Cynthia for adding her name onto a supermodel shirt instead of listening to instructions. That’s rich coming from a woman who’d sign her name on the petition to get a MetroCard on the Underground Railroad. They take the go karts out on the streets and Porsha and Shamea crash while dabbing and squealing like mental patients. Porsha says the accident was a freak of nature which incidentally is her blackplanet screen name. She claims that the brakes must have been faulty and tells the man to check them. He immediately follows the squeaking sound and puffs of dust but it just leads to Porsha’s head.
After single-handedly ruining a local business, the women take their special brand of destruction to a lovely restaurant. It’s lunchtime so naturally they order Absolut and Hennessy as their appetizers with a generous helping of police for dessert. The women eventually have a table full of food. Kandi eats a fish with its eyeballs still attached. I’m pretty sure it was the restaurant’s mascot but when Kandi hasn’t eaten in a few hours all bets are off.
During lunch, NeNe asks what they discussed at breakfast while she was trying to get them out of inadvertently starring in Hostel 3. Besides the fact that half the cast changed into alternate wigs, they discuss the roach video again and everyone agrees that it was wrong. Sheree says that roaches are so 90’s and no one even has them anymore. Fortunately Sheree built her house with sheetrock stolen from the set of Full House and we see a clip of her trying to kill a roach at her house just a few episodes ago. NeNe says that Porsha should have stood up for her even though they aren’t getting along and Sheree says that she will discuss this with Kim because it’s wrong.
Nene says that they didn’t have a beef but Kim was being calculating and saved up information to prepare for a situation. Marlo keeps asking if Porsha is going to talk to Kim about the situation or not. Porsha says that it’s between Kim and NeNe. Marlo explains her persistence by saying that NeNe is her sister mother. I see the resemblance – mostly in their mugshots. Porsha and Marlo argue with each other and it’s getting louder and louder. Porsha has gotten so much smarter. She tells us that NeNe and Kim will fight and then be friends so she’s not getting in the middle of that wig sandwich.
Things are getting worse between Marlo and Porsha. NeNe is scared because when Marlo gets angry, bad things happen. Really bad. Like The New Normal bad. As they argue, Marlo says Porsha’s breath stinks. Duh, she just finished kissing Cynthia.
Porsha says that Marlo is friends with Kim so she can speak to her. Marlo says that they’re only IG friends but she’s hoping they can become best friends at summer camp. Are we seriously doing this right now? Somehow it turns into Marlo insulting Porsha’s tiny welcome mat and the fact that it’s totally acceptable for Cynthia to have Ikea furniture but not NeNe or Porsha. Cynthia is happy to have furniture imported from Sweden and t-shirts imported from the Michael’s craft reject pile.
Porsha’s mom brought her the doormat so she starts to cry. Like actual tears. Porsha says that when you work really hard for things and your family is proud, you’d be hurt too if someone bashed it. Marlo gives zero welcome mats and says that Porsha isn’t crying about the lie she told on Kandi. Porsha starts jabbing her fan towards Marlo like a fidgety pirate and Marlo snatches it like a debit card from a septuagenarian.
The women are separated and helped out of the restaurant by security. In their corners, NeNe tells Marlo that she provoked Porsha while Marlo calls her newfound foe a fat chicken with bad breath. Meanwhile, Shamea tells Porsha that she has a fabulous house and doormat because doormat shaming is an issue we can all rally behind. The cops are on their way so Marlo immediately feels at ease in her natural environment and flashes them a bail-worthy smile.
The women leave the restaurant and mature Cynthia has a hard time getting up the steps of the villa. NeNe calls Gregg to tell him that they’re moving into a new hotel while Kandi tells Todd about Doormat-mania 2017. If anyone would get their doormat implants, it’d be Porsha so I’m intrigued to see where this will go.
Porsha feels beat down, she keeps going to events and feels attacked. I wonder who else has felt attacked:
I no feel bad. Porsha tells NeNe that she’s leaving because therapy and anger management taught her to remove herself if she feels trapped. NeNe says that she can relate and this is a sisterhood that has highs and lows. Porsha has to push through the lows. Lawd, don’t tell Porsha to push it’s like telling Hulk to smash.
Porsha says that she thought she was growing closer to the women and Cynthia hurt her when she made the “getting to know you” comment. NeNe tells her that she needs to tell the whole group that she messed up and then they would forgive her. Porsha thought that it was more effective going to them individually but she would have done a group telegram if she knew that they preferred their apologies orgy style. Porsha is still going to leave and NeNe says that she will be there for her as a sister. But not a sister mother. That’s only for Marlo.
In two weeks, NeNe is confronted with the Tyrone dating rumors. The women are also caught up in the Spain election protests so be prepared for Eva to interject with her expert political commentary. What’d you think? Did Porsha pull a Kenya with that fan? Would you kiss Cynthia? Should Marlo have gone home instead? Did Porsha’s vegan backsliding disappoint you? Love you for reading and commenting!
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