Ohmigod, we’re at the end of celebrity Big Brother! Who will win??? Will it be Omarosa? Like, seriously, if it’s gonna be Omarosa could someone tell me now so I can turn this shit off and go to bed and pretend it never happened?
Could we just pretend all of this never happened?
We are down to Ross, Marissa, Mark, Ariadna, and Omarosa. Big Brother does a quick season recap where they try and convince us this was all a lot more interesting than it actually was. And reminds me how much I miss Shannon and Metta. We also get to find out who America’s Favorite Player was, and so help me god, America, if you chose Omarosa we are done.
I have trust issues with America’s voting right now
We start the episode mid HoH comp again, with all the HG’s (minus Oma) trying to hang on while their wobbly ski platforms move all over. Marissa goes down first (and hard), Ari goes down second, then Ross tells Mark if he goes down he won’t put him up or backdoor him. That seems sort of impossible to promise at this point since there’s only five people left and we know he won’t put out himself or Marissa. So… If someone wins the veto he has to backdoor Mark. This is really simple math, guys.
5 minus 3… Could be anything! Big Brother won’t let me have a calculator
The whole time Ross and Mark are trying to make a deal Omarosa won’t stop shouting about how she needs to know what they’re saying and how Mark is so much sturdier than Ross, but then Ross plays the “I need a letter from my sick mom” card, and Mark goes down. So Ross is Hoh. He has a deal with Mark and Marissa, so the only people he could possibly put up are Omarosa and Ariadna.
Meanwhile, Ross has decided he’d rather sit next to Mark in the final two because he knows he can beat him. Is he really worried about beating Marissa? Cause she’s not really good at anything or making any major plays or doing things. He seems to think all the girls would vote for her just because they’re all girls, which is dumb as hell since the female alliance cannibalized itself in less than a week. Ross and Marissa tell Ari that she’s going up next to Omarosa, and they just can’t let Oma win the veto. I actually like Ariadna, despite her constantly teaming up with the worst people in the house, so I’ll be sad if she gets evicted.
How do you look perfect all the time? This is Big Brother? Someone please tell me she has a flaw on the live feeds!
Ross and Ari make a final two deal, which means that every single idiot celeb in the house EXCEPT for the worst one is currently thinking it’s a good idea to bring the person most likely to beat them to the final two. No one (not even Marissa) should be bringing Ross to the end. He’s the only person left in the house that’s been playing Big Brother at all, except for the really horrible one that no one wants to see win.
Nomination time! No surprises here. The noms are Ari and Oma, and Oma makes all the faces she knows in rapid succession.
Anger! By Omarosa
Time for the Veto comp. It’s the same one they do every season finale where you have to know what day certain things happened on. I imagine this is much easier when there’s less than a month worth of days to choose from.
Dumbing it down for the rich and famous. Just like life does.
Marissa is up first, and she knows the days (as a superfan she knew she’d need to) but the part of the comp where she has to climb stuff is a serious struggle. Mark is up next and looks like he does an okay job speedwise, but I think he got some of the days wrong, Ross struggles with the climbing and moving stuff just like Marissa, but is also pretty confident about his answers, Ari is the most agile of the group so far, but she has some seriously wrong answers. Goddammit you guys! Are you gonna let Omarosa win this bullshit??? Oh wait… Oma appears to have got everything wrong. Okay, never mind. We’re good.
Let’s see the results! Marissa got 8 right, Mark got 6, Ross got 8, Ari got 4 (lol), and Oma got 1. Hahaha. 1! Don’t worry though, cause Oma is sure to blame her asthma for all her poor performances.
You’d think I’d have gotten a rescue inhaler by now…
So between Ross and Marissa the fastest time was Ross at 5:42. He holds a veto meeting, where he does not use the power of Veto, because why would he. We get the HoH speeches where Ari says she’s happy with whatever, and Oma goes all shitty and says she has a vision from god that Ari will win the whole thing. Way to try and backhandedly throw someone under the bus, ya crazy bitch.
Jesusjesusjesus, I’m an insufferable twat, Jesus
Eviction time! Ari’s speech is just about how much she likes everyone, Oma won’t shut up about her relationship with God and even Julie sounds exhausted when she thanks them at the end. It’s just Marissa and Mark voting, with Ross breaking any ties. It’s 2-0 for Oma to go and I am so fucking relieved. No one left in the house would upset me if they got the money. Not even Mark, who annoys the shit out of me but seems like a nice dude.
Your face still freaks me out though
Exit interview time. Oma thinks she sealed her fate by evicting James, and says she chose to come on Big Brother so people could see the real her. Lol. Good to know the real her is also horrible.
TV Omarosa was a villain, but Big Brother Omarosa was a spoiled petulant child with fake asthma
Final HoH time! The winner gets to pick the one person to come to the end with them. Again, everyone has said they’d bring Ross and NO ONE should because he oughta win. The final battle is a “Spot the incorrect statement” battle. There’s also some annoying fake Twitter wars between the evicted celebs to decide the incorrect statement, and it’s hard to believe that half these celebrities are actors by trade.
Round one only Marissa gets right, round two everyone gets right, round three everyone gets right, round four everyone gets right, round five everyone gets right, round six Ross and Mark get right. So we have a three-way tie between Ross, Mark, and Marissa.
Marissa takes the tie well
Final tie-breaker, how many seconds did the Rocky Mountain Fly competition last? Marissa is the closest and is the final HoH. If she’s smart she won’t bring Ross to final two with her… But is she smart? Probably not.
She is finally happy though
Final speech time!
CBS rules! I love Big Brother! Please make me relevant again!
I love you, you’re amazing, do what’s best for you!! I’m flawless and my jacket is awesome!
I love you! We’ve talked about this! We did it! (please ignore the fact that I was not planning on bringing you with me to the end)
So… Marissa isn’t smart and chooses to bring Ross with her to the end. And I hope her superfan kid is absolutely SCREAMING at the TV right now. Not that we can really predict what any of these celebrities will do (or if they’ll even be able to figure out how to vote at the end) but Mark would probably be way easier to beat.
Exit interview time: blah blah, boring shit that people say when they’re coached by PR people. Can we get a season of Big Brother with only shitshow celebrities? Get some Lohans up in here? Maybe some Toddlers and Tiaras cast-offs?
Celebrity Big Brother Season 2: All Toddlers and Tiaras stars, and a pantry full of Mountain Dew and Pixie Stix
Time to get the Jury together for questions and ass-kissing. It’s really boring. Lots of “What do you regret” and “Why do you deserve to win” and Ross and Marissa just ramble and don’t really say anything. Ross also says the word “Pivot” at least a dozen times.
Time to vote. They explain to Chuck multiple times that he votes for the person he wants to win this time. Everyone locks in their keys and does their vague speeches. Metta also gets a reminder on his way up that he should select the key of the person he wants to win, and Julie makes him repeat it back to her. Lol. Metta says he doesn’t know who to vote for and then closes his eyes and grabs a random key. Ohmigod, is it too late to give the prize to Metta? A reality show at least?
You ridiculous clueless little panda
Brandi says she’s voting for the shadiest person in the house and someone off screen yells, “That’s you!” at her. James says the speeches changed his mind. Oma says she’s voting for the person who wasn’t gunning for her the entire time, and Ari votes for the most honest person. Mark calls the decision a Sophie’s Choice, because picking a BB winner is clearly on the same emotional level as choosing which of your children should be murdered by Nazi’s.
There’s some follow-up q&a. Most of it is dumb. They ask Metta what shocked him the most about Big Brother and he says, “How bad I was at it.” Lol. This guy better win America’s Choice. We get to see Brandi’s goodbye message to James which is basically, “I hate you and you’re annoying. Ugh.” Oh and everyone kisses Shannon’s ass about how she’s the best player ever and that’s why they had to evict her. Um… No… Shannon was a competition beast and an awesome person, but she was a terrible player that put a massive target on herself.
She’s also aging the best, except for Ariadna, who I suspect is a cyborg or an alien
Time to reveal the votes! Here’s the breakdown!
Mark votes Ross
Ari votes Marissa
Oma votes Marissa
James votes Marissa
Brandi votes Ross
Metta votes Ross (blindly)
Shannon votes Marissa
Keisha votes Marissa
Chuck votes… I guess we don’t care? Oh wait, later we find out he voted Marissa
Never has someone won so much for doing so little
So Marissa wins. While Ross played a way better game, I think the fact that the whole jury got to watch all the episodes before voting was probably his downfall. In a normal season of BB all his scheming and back-stabbing would have a little more deniable. I wonder how mad Marissa is gonna be when she finds out he was gonna bring Mark to the finale.
For now there’s SPARKLES!
All that’s left to do is crown America’s Favorite Player. The top three are Shannon, James, and Ross. WHAT??? NO METTA??? What the fuck is wrong with you, America??? They give it to Ross, which is fine, I guess. Meh.
The face you make when you tried the hardest and got totally shafted
So Marissa won it all after doing next to nothing all season, which, it turns out, is the better strategy when the jury can watch all the episodes and live-feeds. This whole finale was pretty Meh, but oh well. At least Omarosa didn’t win anything, right?