Howdy Trashmii! After all that vagina talk with Ariana’s shrink who weirdly had “Tourette” in her name, I bet you’re ready for a little vacay at Big Bear with the gang. Okay, c’mon, let’s go…
As we open, Scheana, Tom and Ariana show up at Villa Blanca to work. Ariana says she’s just glad she can go work some shifts there after the fire at SUR. She interviews, “I’m one of the lucky ones.” Don’t forget privileged (and schooled). Lisa arrives, and asks Ariana and Tom if there was any hanky panky going on back in the day when they were supposedly “just friends”. They say nope, then Ariana shoots Lisa a question about the “face lift” ongoing at SUR. Lisa says they have an endless litany of things that need doing, which would ordinarily take three weeks, but is actually going to take three days.
So they’re going to Rob’s place in Big Bear for the weekend, “they” being Scheana, Rob, Tom and Ariana, Jax and KFC, James, Raquel, and Lala. Scheana interviews that after the whole TMI bullshit, she wants Rob to see that not everyone in her group of friends are assholes. Jax is blowing up her phone, demanding a queen bed or he’s getting a hotel, because those young whippersnappers are not making Old Man Jax sleep in a twin bed with his bad back.
“Such an attitude!” exclaims Lisa. She remarks on how negative and angry Jax has been lately. Sandy says he seems withdrawn. Scheana says it’ll be good for him to go to Big Bear, then she says they’ve been going there for 11 years, minus the six she was with Shay (which equals one desperate soon-to-be-divorcée, for all you Lovelies in the remedial math group).
Over at Kristen’s, the Witches of WeHo (minus Stassi and Ariana) are bedazzling their sit-down scooters. One of them asks if Stassi’s still coming, then they bitch about how she ran out of her party and stuck Katie with the bill. Katie says gone are the days when she used to coddle and enable this kind of behavior in Stassi. Nope, now it’s Katie’s turn.
Stassi has arrived! She comes in crying and apologizing, and blubbering that there’s nothing she can say, while they completely ignore her. Finally, Katie says it’s not the end of the world. Kristen says, “Just start blinging out your bike, because you’re going to have to play catch-up.”
They asked her why she got so angry. Stassi says she doesn’t know, but it definitely wasn’t anything Katie or Patrick did. Apparently Patrick said, “This is the first time you’ve done this to other people and not me.” She cries that she really doesn’t know what’s wrong with her, but she wants them to know that no thanks to her, it was one of the best birthdays she’s ever had. “You made it SOOooooohohoho nice for me,” she shudders, her voice quaking.
“It’s all good,” says Kristen, “Let’s just fucking let it go.” Stassi writes a check for half the amount, for some reason — perhaps she received a payoff to keep her yap shut about the stripper-assault thingie — then they go out for a spin. Katie says this is what an adult friendship looks like, they take hush money, get over things really fast, “hop on their broomsticks”, and find other people to attack.
Over at Jason and Brit’s, the lovebirds are packing for Big Bear. Jax says it’s going to take a lot of meditation skills to get through the next few days, and at times like these, he wishes he could chain Kelsey to his leg. In comes Lala, who hugs Jax, then goes up to hang with KFC, who tells her that Jax is nervous about being stuck in close quarters with James. Lala says she’s having a problem with James, too, because when he drinks he starts attacking her man. KFC asks if Lala thinks James still has feelings for her. Lala says, “Multiple people have told me that.”
She interviews that she and James will never be romantically involved again. “That ship sailed long ago, and since then it’s done sank,” she says, “Heyull no.”
Now we get a bunch of packing-the-car and driving-to-Big Bear scenes, then Schænə and Rob arrive at the house. Scheana gives us a little rundown of the house’s features, and all of a sudden we’re on a mini-episode of Million Dollar Listing BB, cue the snappy porn music — Rob’s cabin is a cute three-bedroom waterfront house with a private dock, hot tub in the front, and sundeck in the back. Schænə says, “This is our… his happy little home, and I’m happy to be a part of it.”
We all know the ending of this little fairytale, so let’s skip to the epilogue: we got confirmation, right from the horse’s mouth on WWHL, that Mo’manna wasted no time, and has banged Carl Radke from Summer House, not once, but twice since filming — you go, girl!
Back to Big Bear. Oh God, is she already calling Rob “Dad” to her doggie? I feel bad for some of these pooches, they have so many dads and uncles. She calls Rob on the boat, which he’s repairing single-handedly with a repairman. Scheana interviews that this is more the life she envisioned for herself. “I’m happy as fuck, and it’s just like, hashtag, it’s all happening!” she says.
The gang pulls up, and Scheana shows them to their rooms. She bitches about what a diva “Old Man Jax” is, and says if she had a dollar for every time he references his age, she wouldn’t have to work at SUR anymore.
Tom and Ariana get the little kiddie room with two twin beds. Tom sighs, and Ariana says, “It’s okay, we can push the beds together.” She interviews that everything’s great now, it’s on like Donkey Kong, and they’re going to “do the thing”, you now, “it”.
Wait, did she just call me, “It, like, scary clown It?”
So while they were driving up, Sandy bought a knife for protection, and managed to cut his hand on it at the store. Meanwhile, James is hitting the bottle, and it’s not even noon. Scheana sends the boys out for a liquor run.
Down at the liquor store, the boys pick up $200 worth of booze and snacks, and $85.77 worth of spinner toys, to keep James out of trouble. The guy asks, “How long are you here for?” They tell him two days.
Back at the house, Scheana brags about how handy Rob is, while the girls roll their eyes. She says, “It was so sexy this morning, he like hooked the hitch up to my car in like, two seconds. He is literally the handiest person I know, it’s so sexy. He hung a TV on the wall in under seven minutes, I timed him. I’m with a man.”
Lala interviews, “C’mon, we get it. He does everything,” (except kiss Scheana on the mouth).
Raquel thanks Scheana for inviting James, so she could come. Lala says she needs to talk to Raquel. James has been talking smack about her man, whom she would literally take a bullet for. Raquel asks, like what? Lala says she’s not even repeating it, and we get a flashback of James going at Lala at the breakfast joint, “Honey, honey, you fuck the fat man ’cause he pays for your rent.”
Raquel says she won’t stand for that. Lala tells her she’s got to keep James in check.
Now Rob comes roaring up to the dock in the boat he just fixed. Jax says, “The way Scheana talks about Rob, I mean, he created the air that we breathe.” Jax is concerned for his fellow bro, which is that sweet thing guys so genuinely do, which leads to cooperation, and building stuff, and exploiting other, non-bro groups of humans, who tend to be yanking out each other’s weaves and spitting on each other, so exploiting them is a piece of cake, #letsgetreal. He says it’s a lot of pressure being put on that pedestal, “I mean, what if you fall off?”
Rob throws an arm around his buddy Sandy, then says, “We have paddle boards, bocci ball, music floats,” causing Jax to become so overtaken with mancrush enthusiasm, he shouts, “We got tits and ass!”
Meanwhile, at Stassi’s hellaciously hot pad, Katie has come over to fix Stassi’s bench. She interviews that Katie is handier than any boyfriend she’s ever had. At least, she thinks she is, but she can’t be sure, since all her boyfriends were out banging hos whenever things needed fixing. She fetches an Allen wrench, and they start gabbing. Katie asks where Patrick is, and Stassi says, “I don’t see him very often. Katie says, that’s great, she gets lots of alone time.
Katie says, well, he did come to Stassi’s birthday. Stassi says, well, if he didn’t, that would be next level shit. Kinda like what he pulled at the party. Then she says Patrick was not happy with her meltdown. Oh, who the fuck cares. Katie interviews that she likes Patrick and wants things to work, but you can’t fit a square peg into a circle hole.
Katie says she senses a change in Stassi when Patrick’s around, that she becomes more demure and docile. Stassi says she definitely walks on eggshells around him. Now we get a flashback of their creepy dinner date, where Patrick revealed he was too douchy for his shirt.
Stassi says this relationship is so fucked up. She loves him and is in love with him, but the same patterns are happening that she said could never happen again. So now they’re going to a tarot card reader, to get some juju insight and advice.
Just as we’re starting to feel sorry for Stassi, she reveals that while growing up, not only did she frequent the French Quarter for tarot card readings, she also pretend-read tarot cards for her desperate, lovelorn friends, and totally fucked them over. For instance, she’d tell them the guy on the football team liked them when he really didn’t. And she still thinks it’s funny.
Back to Big Bear, it’s evening, and James sits out on the deck with Raquel. Raquel says the girls were saying that James had been saying hurtful things to Lala about her man. He says Lala says hurtful things about Raquel. Like what, she asks. James says, “I don’t know, skinny hot bitch.”
Raquel is flattered, and says, “I’ll take it,” but James says she doesn’t know those people. He interviews that it’s hard to have a good impression of Lala’s man when the only time she talks about him is when she’s complaining. Then he calls him “big fat Rolls Royce”. Raquel tells James he should be supportive, but James says, “You can’t support something that’s rotten.”
SUR is re-opening! It only took three days. They’re still on a generator, but other than that, everything’s all repaired and gorgeous. The chairs have been re-covered, and the floor is beautifully repainted and glossed in olive green. Lisa and Guillermo toast to nothing beating them, then wonder why they think they’ve seen these purple chair covers in some pre-fire scenes.
Back at Big Bear, Scheana and the girls heteronormatively cook dinner, while Rob dreamily offers to help. James is in the kitchen razzing Scheana about how good she’s working the meat, when Lala redirects his attention, shouting, “He says a lot of stupid shit!” So of course now he’s on to Lala. He gets right up into her face, growling, “Make me some more tacos,” and shouting “LALA!” in her ear.
Scheana gets Rob’s approval via taste test for dinner, and they sit down to eat. The gang toasts to Rob having them over, then Rob toasts to TomTom. James says Jax is getting left behind. Scheana says if we do the math, Jax can technically be Raquel’s dad. Then James starts flirting with Lala while she giggles.
Everybody at the table stares at the spectacle, while Ariana makes a big deal out of keeping her mouth shut.
Time for games! The gang settles down to play 100 Questions about Sex and Never Have I Ever. Lala parks it next to James. Ariana goes first, and asks if Rob ever went to a swinger’s party. Rob says he’s not opposed to experiencing things, but he likes his d*ck, and wants to keep it. Scheana starts bragging about what a great d*ck it is, which Rob seems to quite enjoy.
Next, James asks Ariana if she’s ever experienced a multiple orgasm, and Ariana lies, “Yes!” Lala jumps up and gives Ariana a standing ovation. “More like standing ovation for Tom,” Ariana says, while Tom looks defeated. Hmm, looks like she’s faking them again, only Tom’s not buying it this time around.
Sandy unenthusiastically interviews that they’re boinking here and there now, and calls it a “work in progress”. Mm, sexy. Now he asks Lala if she ever had to kick someone out of her bed the morning after. James says, “A million times, I can answer that for her.” They all laugh. Lala concurs that it’s been a lot of times, and we cut to Jax, who’s making an interesting face.
James pounces on Lala with his blanket, teasing, “Don’t knock it till you try it!” They both giggle and wrassle until everyone else gets super uncomfortable, and starts to wonder just when that ship done sank, or if it done sank at all.
Back in WeHo, Katie and Stassi go to get Stassi’s tarot cards read by Angie, the tarot card reader. All these professionals the gang employ lately seem way too excited about it, don’t they.
Stassi draws her cards and Angie reads them. First is the mother card, which means Stassi will have babies. She’ll have her first in 2019, and she’s definitely having more than one. Stassi tears up. She interviews that this is great news, as she has a serious medical condition, which is that she only dates assholes.
Now Angie takes a wild stab at the relationship card. She says there’s love around Stassi, but there’s uncertainty, too. There’s a guy who has a lot going on on the side, and can’t give Stassi what she wants. She asks if Stassi has a situation where things have been going back and forth. Well that’s just uncanny. Angie says Stassi will know if it’s worth it, but Angie doesn’t think so, judging from seasons 1 – 5.
Meanwhile, back at Big Bear, James drunkenly spews some unintelligible gibberish to Jax and Sandy in the kitchen. Jax asks if that was English. and James slurs, “Don’t forget how this country was made, by people like me.” Jax says, “Our country would be fucked if it was made by people like you.” Like it’s not already? Seriously, anything more at this point would just be the cherry on top of this f*cked up sundae we call Home on the Range.
Jax and Tom take off to the queen bedroom for a break. Jax asks if they were that bad when they were young. He interviews that this was supposed to be a relaxing trip, and it’s not. He says Kelsey told him to separate himself from people who cause him anger or anxiety, then he tells Sandy he’s gassed, meaning mentally wiped out.
He calls the Toms machines, because they can party all night, then phone it in with Lisa in the morning, sorta, whereas Jax says he’s out for 48 hours on KFC’s couch watching ’90s sitcoms. Sandy worries that Jax feels left behind. Jax starts stressing about his lack of education and age, and Sandy tells him to stop. “We’re not going to bartend at SUR, like, for ever and ever,” he says. Jax says it’s looking that way for him now.
Meanwhile, out in the kitchen, Rob gives Scehananna a peck on the mouth. Schænə says she’s going to brush her teeth and hop in bed with him.
James shouts, “Truth or dare, I dare Ariana to lick Lala’s nips!” Lala tells him to get the f* up out of her face. Then he starts haranguing her, and walks out when she tries to talk. “Save your talks for someone who cares,” he snarls. Raquel is so done.
Then they all leave James alone with Lala, who wants to talk about how he comes at her. He calls her an idiot, and she asks, “Are we friends or are we not?” James says, “Uhhhhh, nah,” and walks out. He interviews that Lala goes around thinking she’s better than everybody else, and you can’t blame her, but without the boyfriend, there goes the Range Rover, the Chanel, and the private jet.
Outside, Raquel says he’s antagonizing Lala. James says she’s right and he’s sorry. Raquel brings up the flirting aspect of their interaction. She says she doesn’t like when they roll on the couch, and they touch a lot. James says there is passion behind their friendship. Raquel says, “I guarantee you if I was laying on a couch with a boy you would not be having it.” James agrees he would call her out every time she touched a boy. He asks her to get Lala.
Now Scehana comes downstairs to tell the gang to shut the f* up, because Rob’s trying to sleep and has to drive the boat all day tomorrow. They all agree to go to bed, except Lala and James, who hit the patio for a very loud talk. Lala asks James why he comes for her the way he does. He says, “How do I come for you?! I called your man fat?!”
“And you say it again!” shouts Lalz, and before you know it, they’re howling at each other about drawing blood and sitting the f* down. Lala cries, then James says very emotionally, “I’ve loved you.” Lala says he has Raquel now, and she has her man, and their friendship is going to change, and he has to get used to that. She says, “Do you realize how much respect we owe to Raquel and my dude?”
She asks if he’d like to apologize, and he says, “Yeah of course, but you haven’t shut up for two seconds.” Now Lalz walks out, and that’s where we leave things for now.
Next on VPR, Jax almost drowns and everybody laughs. Lisa does Stassi’s podcast, and Rob moans to Jax and Tom that Scheana forces him to use the “L” word, which is not a word dreamy things such as Rob just throw around.
Catch ya then!
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