**DISCLAIMER: I started this recap pretty drunk, then fell asleep and finished it the next day. If you pick up on a tone shift, now you know why.**
More exciting than a commercial for Taco Bell’s new Nacho Fries – yum – it’s the week’s second installment of Celebrity Big Brother! I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying this season more than last year’s shitshow, but it seems like not much is happening in the episodes. Also I miss Metta. Speaking of Metta, Brandi thanks him for saving her in the game as well as leaving her one of his panda hats.
I am still not over the fact that Metta’s name was once The Panda’s Friend
If you were wondering why Omarosa nominated Metta instead of taking out an actual threat, don’t worry. She lets us in on a very persuasive conversation she and Metta had just before the live show.
Wow, who knew he was such a strategic genius?
We flashback with Ross – still flying high from his veto win – to all the strategizing he did pre-veto ceremony. He convinced Marissa to exert the bare minimum of effort and join in a final four with him, James, and Mark. This is perfect for them, he explains, because they won’t have to be sad when James and Mark are evicted like they would with be Brandi and Ari. Plus:
Now we travel in time to 2 hours before the eviction, and James is coming up with lots of new name ideas for their alliance – Rad Sauce, Squad Goals, Sexy Gremlins, Sloppy Seconds, Deez Nuts – before they ultimately decide on:
Aw come on, Sexy Gremlins was the obvious choice
Marissa leaves the inaugural Roomie Squad meeting to chat with Ari and Brandi, and let them know that saving the two of them is all she cares about.
Um, did you forget how to play?
Brandi and Ari are pleased their final four with Ross and Marissa is still going strong, then we cut to the kitchen where Mark and James are jazzed about the same exact thing (but with them). James is a little less than pleased with Ross for using the veto, though, since James wants Brandi out next. More than anyone. But what’s that? You say surely Omarosa will be the next target?
JAMES YOU’RE MAKING ME HATE YOU
Omarosa may not be the next on James’ list, but she’s for sure the number one person Ross would like to say goodbye to. Mainly because she’s literally the only person in the house he’s not working with.
Way to have standards (that is not sarcasm)
Brandi and Ari, the Wonder Twins, have another idea altogether – they want James out next, which is smart of them. I’m actually pleasantly surprised at how well both of them are doing in the game (although I imagine somewhere Shannon Elizabeth is holding a baby elephant and weeping).
Speaking of Ari, she interrupts a conversation between Mark and Ross in the kitchen. Ross cleverly diverts her by shouting that he doesn’t like chicken thighs, only chicken breasts.
I bet Mark likes the wings. Cause he just wants to fly. GET IT
When Ari tells Brandi about the suspicious kitchen convo, Brandi isn’t bothered since she knows Ross has to play both sides for now. Also there’s a shot of James wearing a waist trainer and slightly looking in two directions at once.
Here’s looking at you. And you.
Okay, it’s time for a strategic meeting, and – wait. Now Brandi’s wearing a waist trainer too?!
Maybe they’re back braces
Anyway, Omarosa is blathering on about Mark and James wanting to get out Marissa while Ari takes a nap.
It’s tiring being perfect
Omarosa’s sticking to her usual strategy of turning friends against each other, and sure enough it works – now Marissa is saddened and worried that James and Mark hate her. Which they might (she is never quiet on the live feeds, so I wouldn’t blame them if they did.
But enough talk, it’s time for the HOH comp! There are complicated rules read aloud about heats and rounds and heat winners facing other winners – it is very hard to follow, but it’s called Red Carpet Ride. Basically all you need to know is that everyone has to wriggle down a carpeted wobbly bridge as fast as they can without touching the ground.
The Red Carpet element is making everyone nostalgic; Marissa for that time she won a Tony, and Mark for Sugar Ray’s glory days. This comp is the polar opposite of glory days, however, and I am really enjoying watching these celebrities fail miserably.
Schadenfreude. Wow, I’m very impressed I can spell that without looking it up.
After a certain number of failed attempts, the red carpet tightens so it’s easier to cross, and Brandi comes up with a winning strategy.
Do what you know
The top three fastest times win, I think? So everyone tries their hardest even after Brandi wins, then we’re on to the men’s turn. Why are the genders competing against each other? And why is James wearing a baseball uniform?
If you’re wondering if it has his name on the back, it sure does.
The men’s heat is less fun to watch than the women’s – mostly because I am concerned about Mark’s bones.
Going with the season’s theme of eternal comps, this one lasts about four hours. Seriously though, I’m pretty sure they somehow spent more time showing the comp than it took to play. Eventually, Mark wins the men’s heat, and so we’re on to the final round. It’s Mark vs James vs Brandi, but if you pay close attention to their final times, there are signs that Brandi’s chances aren’t looking good.
Oh never mind; it only took her three times as long, she’s got this!
James makes it across first, but he lets Mark have the win instead so he can compete for the next HOH. Mark is super grateful to his friend, but his chin appears to have taken some carpet damage.
So look out everyone, there’s a new king in town and it’s Mark McGrath – even if Squire Maslow was the one that paved his way to the throne.
Fer sure, brah
Marissa is freaking out and squishing her face up as she tries to figure out how to save Brandi and Ari from the wrath of McGrath. Marissa has caught on to the fundamental truth about Omarosa that somehow the other houseguests have forgotten:
She subtly tries to get Mark thinking about nominating the lying liar, but Mark and James are still fixated on getting out Brandi. When Mark tells Omarosa he’ll be nominating Brandi because she’s rude and hurt James’ feelings or something, Omarosa has the nerve to pass judgement on Brandi.
Mark’s chin is disintegrating before my very eyes – maybe the stress of being HOH is too much for him.
Now Marissa and Ross are both trying their hardest to get Mark to nominate Omarosa, and it is really baffling to me that she is still in the game at all. If she wins this thing I’ll just…man. Complain and still watch the next season, I guess. Oh, and lest you think James is the only houseguest to wear an inexplicable sports jersey, here’s Mark’s workout gear.
That’s right, Mark’s headed to his favorite place; the elliptical machine. He tells us in the DR that he really misses music, but there is always a song in his head. What that song is, no one knows, but what we get is a bizarre tune sung by James to a beat that sounds kind of like Maniac from Flashdance. It is somehow autotuned and out of tune at the same time, and I have no idea how that is possible.
Hooray, now it’s time for Omarosa’s story time! What tantalizing political dirt will she spill this time?
She tells her literally captive audience about how much food costs on Air Force One, confirms that President Obama and Trump have the same size motorcade, and also says that she has a picture with Oprah so if Oprah wins the presidency she’ll have a pic with two presidents. MOVING ON.
Brandi wants to know if James let Mark win because the two of them have a final two deal – Mark sputters a denial that Ross loudly claims to believe. This line of questioning does not endear Brandi to Mark at all, which doesn’t bode well for the nomination ceremony. Of course, Omarosa is pleased at the 20 foot hole Brandi is digging for herself.
Speaking of nomination ceremony – here it is! Mark predictably nominates Brandi and Ari, and reactions vary. Omarosa tries not to cackle, Brandi doesn’t like her picture, James is a smug lil weasel, and Mark’s chin gives up and falls off.
Oop, nevermind, he fixed it.
Well – only three episodes left! Makes sure you vote for the player you hate least for America’s Favorite Player, and I’ll catch y’all again during the regular BB season, bbs <3