Welcome back! This recap is also available as an audiobook podcast available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. They’re free the week they’re released and then go to the premium feed. Find it at podbean. Thanks for the support!! xoxoxo – Ronnie
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Rinna got Reagan Brain and forgot saying that Kim Twitchards is a smidge and a half away from death, even though she’s said it thirty thousand times before and she’s kinda right. But aren’t we all a smidge away from death, guys? Aren’t we ALL?
Deep thought. Dong dong aling dongy dong dong.
Close to death or not, Twitch is, at the time of this here recap, still living. You can tell cuz she posts a lot of emojis on Twitter. It’s a game figuring out what she’s talking about, and it gets kinda deep. Let’s take a look at her Valentine’s Day Post:
Happy Valentine’s Day, Red Heart! National Love Day … Hearts Within Hearts. Sending lots of LOVE black heart heart within heart black heart heart within heart to ALL Make it a VAVOOMSHABANG firework red heart firework red heart firework red heart firework red heart Day! I black heart MYFAM I blue heart MYGSON green heart turtle black heart horse.
Yes, this could be an innocent holiday post. Or she’s saying blow up red hearts, her family is full of black hearts, and her grandson and green hearted turtle send black hearts to a Vanderpump midget donkey horse. Is this sweet or is it terrorism? You decide.
Ken and Lisa are checking out the Grey Gardens hellhole condo they’ve bought Max for holding down a busboy job for a couple of years and not doing heroin or getting some homely girl pregnant. The walls look like they’re leaking mold. Lisa’s hired one of her Tame Gays TM to find the place. You can tell they’re close, cuz Tame Gay is holding Replacement Giggy. She doesn’t just let anyone hold her animals. Only a Los Angeles gay with lots of plastic surgery and loneliness can truly understand the kind of love Lisa has for her dogs. Also, older gay guys work out a lot and can handle the weight of Harrison, who Lisa’s making fatter and fatter so he’ll never have the ability to run away.
Vanderpump is determined to redo this apartment, most likely with lots of giant clay pots and chandeliers and white couches. Ken is already roombaing the place, running into walls and turning in different random directions. He rips a window covering off the wall and the Tame Gay gasps. Lisa cracks “That’s how he rips my clothes off.” Tame Gay is not amused. Does he get plaster and fill your holes after, too? Cuz that’s drywall your roomba is ripping out, betch!
Lisa tells Tame Gay that she’s hired a private investigator to get info on Max’s birth parents. If anyone can understand the worry over a birth mother coming back to steal the child you paid for, it’s a gay dude in his forties with lots of plastic surgery and loneliness holding a really fat replacement dog that will never be as good as the original. Wow I’m having a lot of lonely gay dude in his forties feelings tonight.
Cut to Lisa on the phone with Columbo. “I need to know if the birth parents are living, and if they’ve held down jobs for over a year. Also, if they’re allergic to gluten, dahling. It’s a fad I don’t trust. Also, what is the mother’s favorite color? If it’s any shade of pink, have her buried in the desert. And if she looks like me in any way, make her uglier. Also fatten her up a bit. Maybe knock out a couple of teeth. Just bring someone from a local production of Oliver Twist who doesn’t believe in tipping bus boys and I’ll cut you a check dahling.”
She’s gonna compile a dossier of info for Max to check out just in case he wants to call off this Birth Parent search thing before she’s forced to give the parents an open tab at SUR and jobs on TV. This is a spinoff I could support. As an added gift, she’s going to have a Adoption Renewal Ceremony for Max to let him know how grateful she is to have found him on sale at that airport so many years ago. The Tame Gay nods and strokes the fat dog. “Thath’s beayooteefool.”
She winks. “Some people say I have no feelings, so I’m gonna have to prove them wrong.” Nothing says “I’m a sociopath” like announcing that you’re doing something to convince people you have feelings. But you’re a fabulous sociopath, so I support all of this fully.
Kim Twitchards is shopping in a kid’s clothing store. It could be for the new baby, but these are tween clothes. You know Kim would still try to pull this shit off. I wish there was a responsible person around to flick her forehead and firmly say “NO” to the outfit she’s looking at. It’s a baby doll with two giant roses on the chest. Put down the dress, Baby Jane. PUT IT DOWN.
My boobs is growin’ KAHL!
Kyle meets up with Twitch, telling us that it’s so peaceful seeing Kim sober and excited to have a baby. Whenever Kyle says how happy she is Kim’s sober, Kim does lots of non sober stuff. Let’s see how it plays out.
“KAHL! How was yer trib?! Did ya know rozez cangrow outta boobez?” Kyle nods with a smile and asks about her pregnant niece. “OH KAHL! AHMAHGAHD! Brooke wend da the dogder daday and he said her cervigs is softenin! Can ya believe that? It’s zoftenin! I tole her ‘do pushups with yer cervigs BROOKE!’ and I cried and tried to start a fern on fire. Did ya know fernz don’d bernz? Crazy. Then Brooke told me yer cervigs was subbosed to soften so I said ‘cheers to sovd cerviggzeggs! Hey Kyle guess whad?!”
Kyle doesn’t guess.
“GUESS KAHL GUESS! Ogay. WE’RE HAVIN A BABEH KAHL! A BEHBEH! WE’RE HAVIN A BAAAABBBEHHH KAAAAHL!!!”
Twitch jumps up and down like she found a baggie on the ground that wasn’t empty. Kyle just looks at her like “Um…congrats?”
Kyle changes the convo to the Gatsby party. Twitch feels bad how it all went down for Leo DeCaprio. She’s loved him since they did DieHardTanic together and all that. Kyle pushes her along. “Lisa Rinna…” Why Twitch had a great time with Rinna! Rinna spoke very loudly and clearly so Twitch could understand her and didn’t ask her about stealing stuff from Target. Is a friendship blooming? Not if Kyle has anything to say about that shit!
Meanwhile, Rinna is dressed for battle today. Leopard tights and a bright pink fanny pack.
Important things angry stuff STAT BABY!
“Lorena! I’ll be out putting someone in their place, baby! Re-hide that flour!” She marches down the driveway yapping into her phone to Harry, at least that’s what it says on the bottom of the screen. He didn’t say anything back, though, so she could just be doing that “I’m pretending to talk to my husband just so I can march down the driveway angrily talking to myself without looking insane” thing.
“I think you’re the most amazing talented flower on this Earth too, Harry Hamlin! Now look baby, I’m on my way to express extreme dismay to Eden SassLOON get it Harry Hamlin? NO ONE MESSES WITH LISA RINNA BABY especially when she doesn’t remember what she can’t remember. Thanks for the advice king of my heart!”
She’s asked Eden to meet her at some picnic tables. Why pretend to eat? Eden hugs her very very hard. “How arrrrre youuuuuu?” she coos breathily, trying to heal the stabs in Rinna’s back with soft meditation tones she learned from a book on tape.
“I don’t know how I am, Eden. I just don’t know. How am I? Wow. That’s a question for the ages, baby. What a question. You’re really great at question asking.”
Eden pouts. “I had a feeling.” LOL ok psychic Eden. This girl would run someone over and then pout when she saw the tire tracks on their chest. “I had a feeling you’d have tire tracks. I just had a FEELING.” Rinna brushes it off. “How are yoooou?”
Eden pouts deeper and shakes her head. “No. Let’s talk about your feeeeelings.”
Rinna: “No no my feelings can wait. Let’s talk about yoooooou. You’ve been a busy girl!”
Eden puts her head down. Yes. Busy girl. Busy trying to save lives and stop ex child stars from having IGNORE pressed on them when they’re crying out for help. “I’m not to busy to ask how you’re feeeeling! Was Mexico…fun?”
Rinna nods in that over sincere mom way, waiting for you to admit you took the car out at three am. “I really wanted Mexico to be fun. I really hoped and dreamed it would be everything my prior reviews of it said it was and more. I mean what kind of sad torn apart woman doesn’t have fun in Mexico? I’VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE TODAY.”
Eden avoids mentioning Mexico’s mass graves full of nameless, decapitated women. Instead, she’s like “Aw. Did you drink the water?”
Rinna isn’t gonna be able to out mom-guilt this chick, so she gets to the point. She tells Eden that the girls surrounded her in Mexico against a wall and basically dick slapped her for an hour. Why would Eden think it’s a good idea to go to Vanderpump of all people? She’s seen the show, right? Eden shakes her head and pouts. She raises her voice an octave, another reminder of Brandi guilt squeal. “I didn’t say anything that wasn’t said in the store! And I can’t afford cable.”
Rinna blinks. “What? I said Kim was close to death?”
Eden blinks back and squeals “You said she’s an addict and she’s close to death!”
Rinna looks around, wondering if she’s going to remember this conversation later. What if things get worse and she forgets to breathe or chew her food or stop at crosswalks? What is happening to her brain? “If said those things, I’ll own up to it! Did you happen to get video of this? Was I in my pajamas? Sleepwalking? I need context.”
Back at the store, Kim and Kyle are still making fun of Eden Sassoon Pilates Instructor at the party, kneeling down in that dark wig. Kim imitates her: “I’ve been talking about you…” like a witch around a cauldron full of baby parts. Kyle thinks Sassoon is obsessed with them. “You. Me. US.” Single White Turkey Neck.
Kyle figures Eden’s so obsessed because she’s struggling not to drink a gallon of Up and Up Red Wine before breakfast herself. Ding ding ding! But wait! There’s more! It turns out the reason Eden started stalking them in the first place was because Lisa Rinna filled her head. “She couldn’t know you’re close to death from being around you two times.” Kim gets a very serious actor-y face on and nods. In a weird English accent, she growls “Not reeeeeeally.” Huh? Kim is Poirot right now.
Kyle tries to get Twitch angry enough that she’ll stop herself from acting out an Agatha Christie mystery. She hates that. Her crossed eyes are almost popping out of her veiny face now. “Rinna started it and then left Eden holding the bag!”
“Wait. Who’s holdin’ a bag, KAHL?! WHO’S HOLDING A BAG? Inspector Pooharoad will get ta da bottom uh dat, mah ledeh!”
Picnic Tables. Rinna’s still gajoogled about Eden’s betrayal. I’m sure part of her figured that Eden would attack Kim’s sobriety after their talk, cuz why else tell her in the first place. Why ruin her side attack by taking the round about way and give Vanderpump ammo against Rinna? Eden says she wanted an unbiased source. “You picked the wrong baby, BABY! Vanderpump was practically having an orgasm and that’s NOT OKAY!”
I like when Rinna gets aggressive. I wish there was a wine glass around here for her to hurl at Eden.
Back at the store, Twitch is taking all this Rinna shit talking news pretty well. I can’t tell if she’s still living in her own BBC Detective show still or not. Oh wait. She sucked on a pipe and put one eyebrow up. Kyle keeps on with the Rinna goss. “She said she’s not sure if you’re sober, and that you’re close to death and everyone in your family knows it!” Kim drops her Poirot homage instantly.
Kyle: I KNOW! And that I’m an enabler! Does that mean I pour you drinks? I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean!
Yes, Kyle. You’re now a certified bartender. That’s what enabler means. Twitch doesn’t twitch at all. She’s totally calm through this news, no matter how dramatically Kyle is relaying it. She still talks like a damn crazy person, so I’m not worried. “Lisa Rinnaz pushes my buttonz and boom pow woah erm WHACK smackdaddleeedee I reagt!”
“I thing thad Liza Rinnaz knows now thad she can’d do thad to meh any morez!”
I’m making lots of Kim gifs today because it’s important to celebrate the fact that her hair moves in every single one.
Back in the woods, Rinna is still laying down the rules for her bratty teenager. “Don’t go behind my back and talk about me with these women and expect me to be there for you because that’s not ok! I LIKE YOU, EDEN! I gave you eleven stars when I met you. ELEVEN! That’s more than I gave the sham wow and that’s a miraculous invention according to Lorena. You hurt me deep, baby!”
Eden is good at listening. She literally just pout nodded through all of that. Rinna calms. “Now why did you feel like you were thrown under the bus?”
Eden squeals “I only told the truth and instead of you saying YES I DID say that because it’s how I FEEL, you pretended you were on a different journey and hid under a bus.” Eden has no idea what “under the bus means.”
Rinna drops the righteous indignation. “Wait. I said it? Did I? Those words? How could I have said it IN THE PRESENT TENSE and meant that? It just doesn’t sound like me! What was I wearing? Did I have a certain scent that day? Did I smell like QVC or toast? I’m always hustling baby is it in my iCal?”
OK so maybe she said it, but you got her tense wrong in your retelling. Totally different now.
There are clown tension violins playing as Rinna reaches through her brain to check for PRESENT TENSE. “Currently almost dead currently almost dead…um nope. I do remember faking a pregnancy on Melrose Place though! OMG I seriously forgot about that. There I admit it. I did it in the past, but it was in the present tense back then. ARE YOU HAPPY?!” Eden’s not buying it.
Back at the store, Kyle is still crossing her eyes. She’s convinced these girls just start little fires so no one will focus on them. Says the woman who brought Kim on this show in the first place. That’s the biggest distraction brushfire I’ve ever seen. Kyle isn’t sure if she should be mad at Rinna for saying Kim’s almost dead or if she should be mad at Eden for repeating it, but one thing she’s sure of: Kim’s sober.
“KAHL! I just got a text! We’re havin a behbeh Kyle! We’re havin a behbeh KAHL!”
It’s a new day, so let’s do something for the less fortunate! No, not Eden. She doesn’t understand tense yet. Let’s go for hungry strangers. Rinna will be receiving an award from Project Angelfood, which is a charity that feeds homebound sick people. She enters like she enters everywhere: HI! Hi! Hi! Hi! I’m television’s Lisa Rinna! HIIIII POOR PEOPLE!
Eden arrives in her poor garb. A headscarf with a baseball cap over it. I’m hoping she whips out a rap, preferably one that rhymes “Journey” with something. YOU GAVE ME NOTHING on your journey, I called an attorney, I walked you down the steps and tried to help you like a gurney but you bitch you’ll never learn-y. There. I just made Eden interesting. You’re welcome.
Rinna wants to stay mad, but she forgot what she was mad about and Eden donated part of her allowance to the charity. Erika arrives on time, too, so Rinna decides she’ll be mad at the late ones. “It shows that they have no respect for me.” On cue, Eileen calls. She wants to come, but her stomach! It still hurts! It must have something to do with all the PAIN she’s been feeling and she’s just gonna allow her emotions to…Rinna cuts her off. “Feel better Eileen!” Click.
The rose gold shitbox Hertz rental pulls up to the charity and Vanderpump and Dorit spill out of it laughing at a random “I don’t fuck my husband” bon mot from Vanderpump. Kyle’s with them, too, and she’s mortified to arrive in that car. “Could you have rented a more humble car to come to a charity in?” That car is a symbol of Dorit and PK’s financial grasping. They’re poorer than anyone you’re feeding today, considering they’re over fifteen mil in debt. Let Dorit have some fun before she has to eat crow when you start feeding her family of trafficked nannies.
Rinna nods really emphatically at them and talks in her “You made a poo poo right next to the toilet. Are you trying to make mommy mad? Mommy can be mad and still love you NOW POO POO IN THE TOILET YOU LITTLE FUCKER OR YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE WITH EILEEN!” voice. She tells them that the girls who were on time already got their pre-training training and the others will have to stay here to learn things before opening cans for the poor downstairs.
Vanderpump puts on her sad rasp. “Dahhhhhling. We had gate issues.” “What? You were locked in?” Vanderpump pout nods as Dorit cracks up. They had to pole vault Rocio over the gate to unlock it from the outside and the experience ripped apart one of Pandy’s old prom dresses. Poor Rocio can’t catch a break.
Rinna laughs to us about this story, but she believes it. “Vanderpump’s gate has been stuck for twenty years, honey!” Train screeching to a stop played in reverse laugh.
Downstairs, the ladies put their hair nets on and get to work. Kyle and Dorit giggle while jerking off zuchinis as they wash them, but Kyle can’t just simulate sex with a veg today. She’s super mad that someone would call her drunk sister a drunk and she’s not gonna take it any more! She tells Dorit really loudly that she’s confused about Rinna being nice to Eden since she’s supposed to hate her. Eden hears them and looks right at them, but that’s Kyle’s point.
The charity is run by a gay with cable, so he knows how to make this work. Charity Gay makes Kyle switch over to Eden’s station so the poor people have a chance to see rich rubber faced turkey neck fights. Dinner theater, if you will.
Vanderpump and Erika watch them and get to know each other deeply. Vanderpump is mortified when Erika says she only makes grilled cheese for her husband Don Rickles at night. “Dahling the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!” Erika sighs. “He’s old enough to feed his damn self. And the way to a man’s heart is through his goddamn ballsack and everyone knows it. I don’t give a fuuuuuuuuck.”
Van asks what Erika thinks about Eden. “She’s ok. But she gossips about sisters almost dying, and that’s not cool. Like, I give a fuuuuck.” Vanderpump likes Eden. She literally says “She’s like a wounded bird, dahling.” LOL. That’s Lisa’s main prerequisite for friendship and always has been. If it ain’t broken, she can’t fix it. Unfortunately, the humans she adopts are more Kingsley than Giggy. If Eden makes it to another season, she will be arrested for biting some old lady’s face off. Know THAT.
Eden is in charge of granola, and she’s acting like every little spec of the food is bringing her nourishment and spiritual fulfillment. Kyle packs little cups next to her, but she’s stressed. Totally not living in the now on this journey. Finally, she’s like “I’m sorry if you feel like I’m being rude.”
Eden shrugs. “Rude? I’m enjoying our mutual existence on this plane together as one.” Kyle grinds her granola, not accepting that answer. “It’s just that I heard some upsetting things and I don’t feel like talking to you but I wanna acknowledge that I’m not speaking to you.” Now THAT’s how to speak to Eden.
“Well,” she gently whispers, “do you want to talk one day about your feelings in this matrix we call life?” Kyle resists the urge to get granola in this crazy lady’s eye. “I don’t know, what does LISA RINNA THINK?! LISA RINNA DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD TALK IN THE MATRIX?”
Rinna, considering putting her head in the oven, takes a minute. “Um…yeah. I think it would be important that we get to…”
Eden: All of us? It’s important that we ALL get together to…
Rinna: FINE! It’s important we ALL get together to talk about which tenses to use when relaying stories. Sounds like a great, grade A ten star idea BABY.
The next day, Vanderpump buys Max a blue velvet tufted sofa for his new condo. She feels guilty, knowing what she’s about to put this poor couch through, but she’s too rich to have ever heard of pleather so this will have to take all the sperm and farts Max can throw at it. RIP, gorgeous gay couch.
Over at Dorit’s, Jagger is squeaking code and Dorit is pretending to understand what it means. Squeeeeak. Squeeek? Squeaaaak! “Yes, Jagga dahlin’! Mama did used to model!” Eden comes over with a super tight smile and hard hug. Dorit shows her the maid’s kid. “Isn’t he beayoooteeful! He’s sayin’ lines from Shakespeare roght now!” Squeeeeak! Squeeeeeek! Eden sees an immediate problem with Jagger, but at this point has no one on her side so she keeps it in. It looks like the restraint is killing her.
Dorit tells Eden that Rinna freaked out in Mexico about the sobriety goss, and Eden’s like “she says she doesn’t remember. What am I supposed to do with that?” Dorit squishes her face. “Do ya think her personality might be…induced?” LOL Dorit. Eden hamster blinks, knowing that Dorit is basically trying to get her to confront Rinna about the bag of GNC pills in front of all the other girls. Dorit is an idiot, a fake, and an asshole, but she’s a hilarious shit stirrer. Eden doesn’t take the bait, so Dorit brings the convo back to Rinna freaking in Mexico. “She denied, denied, denied!”
Eden thinks for a second. “She’s in DENIAL!” Dorit nods like “My wehk herah is doon! Car nanny! Come get this squeaky little thing away from meh!”
Erika meets her husband, Don Rickles, for lunch. Why does every restaurant they eat in have to be empty? It’s an odd pattern. Don says a lot of sweet things to Erika like “HEY TOOTS!” and “is that an ass or a caboose? And where do I buy a ticket?” Erika giggles and coos.
She talks about her new video as Don beams. “It was Expnzvz alright! But worth every penny! I’ve almost gotten hard twice.” Erika offers him a helicopter in return for letting her use the plane so much, but he waves her off. Just knowing that his money is going to jerk off material for less fortunate creeps on YouTube is enough for him. It’s his Project Angelfood, if you will.
Erika assures us that her marriage is real, and “I don’t give a fuuuuuck” about all the people who don’t get it. No one thinks you’re in a fake marriage. They just think you’re a ho who hit the jackpot. Good for you, sister! Beats being “a waitress”. She’s respectable, you guys.
As he leaves, Don shoves a twenty in her tit crease. Ah, romance. “Thanks, baby doll.”
Kyle’s in a meeting for her sitcom. She’s in the costume shop, and apparently she’s gonna make everyone wear flowy caftans with bad patterns. Every character in this show will be as terribly dressed as Kyle. She had to sell a sitcom to get any kind of revenge.
She tells us that her sisters were a bit apprehensive about the project at first, but now they realize it’s totally respectful and doesn’t air any of their dirty laundry. Cue John Wells to enter and say they’ve decided on baby laxatives as a prop to use in place of cocaine for the role of Kyle’s father. LOL. Kyle’s all “That didn’t really happen. My dad had great coke.” This will go over well.
Rinna is getting her makeup done by the bitchiest gay of all time. “What an AMAZING night this is gonna be! Everyone’s coming!”
Makeup Gay: Everyone? Even Harry?
Rinna: Even Harry Hamlin the most talented man alive! He knows how to make actual rockets out of Cheetos. He deserves an award for that. But tonight it’s my turn to get an award baby!
Makeup Gay (long audible sigh): Oh. You’re getting an award?
Rinna: Yes, sweet homosexual person with a monotone voice! I am! I’m thrilled! I’ve never won an award! I mean, you don’t get awards for selling amazing dusters to ladies just learning fashion, you know? Why isn’t that an award? I’ve brought cowl necks to the middle of America but no awards for that. If there were, I’d leave Meryl Streep in the dust! SUCK IT MERYL! Kidding. I know her. She’s lovely. She bought one of my dusters for her cleaning lady. And would you believe she tried to return it because it wasn’t an actual duster? That lady’s a nut. A really fun nut who doesn’t understand fashion. Or dusting, really. It’s why she always sounds stuffed up.
The Makeup gay looks like he wants to kill himself. Speaking of people who wanna kill themselves, Eileen calls. “My emotions are running rampant and my stomach hurts and also the doctor told me not to wear makeup cuz now I have an eye issue, most likely from the emotions I don’t allow myself to feel…” Rinna cuts her off. “I wouldn’t go out without makeup either, girl!” Click.
Eileen needs to stop with this damn pity party. Her poor son is stuck with her at home, most likely in a laundry bag waiting for her to leave the house.
The ladies get ready for Rinna’s big “It Doesn’t Take an Eater to Feed People” awards show. Kyle picks up Dorit, who’s wearing a fringe belt Kyle wants. “Ya can buy it from me. Also sellin a squeaky child and a milk nanny that has a little too muchah sassafrassahs!” Kyle ignores her and puts on lipstick, so Dorit launches into an update on the Eden sitch. “She insists she’s not krezzeh and that Leeser Rinnas told her naughty things!”
Kyle knows the Rinna stuff is true, because she’s said it many times already, and since she’s got nothing going on and has already shot a scene about her sitcom and another scene wearing an Agency hat, the only storyline left for this episode is Kim. She rolls her eyes and says “If I have to deal with this woman tonight…” Not sure if she means Eden or Rinna, but the relaxed tone in her voice tells me that at least it’s not Twitch.
The Hamlins are in another limo. In case you forgot, Not Gigi has learned to walk and they’re celebrating by teaching her how to chew solid food tonight. Rinna asks her her fave part of walking in the Tommy show and she says that it was when she met. OMG. GIGI.
She asked ole Gi how to walk, and she said to “Pretend like you’re walking down the street to get food.” Rinna blinks. “But you never get there, right? Or do you? And do you order? Food? Do you order food? This is a fascinating walk you’re taking. Do you see anyone on your walk? How do you remember things you said on this walk? And who’s Gigi? Did she talk in present tense or past tense?”
The ladies arrive. Camille’s here, and she swoops in on some dude she probably doesn’t remember with her trademarked Camille kiss. Catching an invisible piece of popcorn in her mouth into a cheek bump accompanied by a “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii”. I’m glad that at the very least, they’ve kept the Camille Kiss on contract for this show.
Kyle gets Camille a drink. “I said Coca Cola, honey.” Kyle hands the margarita to her anyway. “Sorry!” LOL. Has it even been twenty minutes since Kyle asked if being an enabler meant forcing drinks on someone? So good. Kyle tells us that she’s not gonna be bitchy enough to stay away from Rinna’s charity event just because Rinna called Kim a drunk. Maybe after her work here is done tonight, everyone will be talking about what a drunk Camille is and just leave Kyle alone.
Kyle asks Rinna where Eileen is, and Rinna says she has pink eye. Kyle flinches. That’s grosser than Eileen talking about her feelings. Way to outdo yourself, Eileen! Vanderpump’s not coming either, but she doesn’t have the decency to get pink eye as an excuse. Instead, she’s spending time with her nephew. Rinna: “She could have brought him! Just sayin’!”
Kyle crosses her eyes. “It’s not like you’re besties”.
“I went to that dog charity at the wrong government building, JUST SAYIN’!” Rinna, not being judgmental but observant, of course, thinks Vanderpump didn’t come to this event because it’s not about her. Also cuz she doesn’t like you. But we’ll stick with the first reason since we’re all moving on so well. Besides. Lisa Vanderpump is already doing her part to support the poor. She got Dorit a job. JUST SAYIN’!
Inside, the ladies take their seats at their table. Rinna is off giggling with one of those typical dirty Hollywood “Is he homeless or a billionaire?” types. Camille gets a line! Wait for it! “He’s not dressed properly.” Atta girl! Eden responds that she’d still fuck him. Kyle crosses her eyes and pulses her temple botox veins. “So. Eden. Are you dating anyone?”
Dorit giggles “She’s ‘dating’ someone alriahght! He’s heh ‘keendrad speereet’ and they met on tha Instagraaahms!” Kyle only uses Instagram to sell real real housewives her shit products. She hadn’t thought about using it for dick. She whips out her cell phone and starts scrolling as she grills Eden more. “Online, then? You’re dating online? Do I just search ‘penis’ or is there a code word? God. I follow a lot of croissant bakers. I love that hashtag.”
Dorit keeps on. “Well it’s vaaaareh intense! They don’t evahn know each otha in real lyyyyfe but at’s varrreh deep and he lives in LONDOOHN!”
Kyle: Dick Cheney has an instagram. I guess that’s kinda sexy.
Dorit grabs Eden’s phone and shows Kyle the hot douche.
Kyle is disgusted by his hotness. That’s not a man to grab onto your third back and then get a boner. Too hot. Kyle sneers “Um, this has ‘fuck me’ written all over it!”
Eden smirks. “Well he’s gonna get fucked.” Oh man. That poor douche is gonna be terrified when crazy stalker Hamster Brandi shows up at his door in London. Kyle announces that she barely knows Eden but “if I WAS your friend, I’d say that sounds like a flipping disaster!” Oh shit Kyle is mad. She said flippin. Kyle’s being a bitch, but Eden laps it up. “See? Kyle CARES about me!” Hahahahha. Good lord. Kyle’s gonna walk away to readjust her spanx in the bathroom and you’re gonna take it as a marriage proposal. There is something fundamentally broken about Eden.
Kyle agrees. She tells Dorit that she can’t even be mad at this pile of mangled humanity. “She needs guidance.” Get her a margarita, Kyle. Last time Kyle found someone this messy and hamster faced, she tried to sick her ass on Vanderpump. Will history repeat itself? Time will tell. Right now Rinna is getting the first award that’s actually useful: a blender to make her xanax breakfast.
“I am so proud to own this rolling pin!” Applause. “My amazing husband Harry Hamlin from television’s LA Law and a little bit of Mad Men can make blueberry pies with this, and as long as I can somehow support Harry Hamlin’s dreams it’s all worth it!” She yammers on about knowing what it’s like to eat invisible angel food when you’re trying to keep your weight down. “It’s not easy being homeless and thin in Los Angeles am I right, BABY?!”
Kyle listens to this speech, trying to understand the basic feeling of hunger. She decides that Rinna has a big mouth, but she also feeds people invisible angel food and might be able to help her get her to the size she needs to be to fit into her current bras one day. All is kinda forgiven. Rinna joins the girls after her speech and shows off her blender, not even minding that it didn’t come with a lid.
“Girls, all this stuff we’re going through? It’s a bunch of bullshit! Rolling pins are what matters.” They’re all “uh huh”, cuz the shit they’re going through is basically shit Rinna caused herself and her obvious attempt at sweeping it under homelessness is obvious. They’ll get back to bashing her bony ass next week. Until then…Kyle might try to take dibs on Vanderpump’s new Broken Ho Soldier (or Holdier, if you will). This could have bigger consequences than anything Rinna said. We’ll see soon!