Hey there Trashies! I know you have a burning question that needs answering, and that question is, “Are we going to have to talk about Ariana’s vagina this episode?” I’m sorry to say that the answer is yes, actually, we’re going to have to talk about it a lot. Also this week, Stassi and Ariana throw dueling birthday parties, and there is a clear winner. Let’s get started, shall we?
We open with Stassi, who has taken Katie and Kristen with her to Dapper Cadaver, to get props for her murder-themed 29th birthday party. She wants to celebrate the death of her twenties. Stassi says she wants to be taxidermied when she dies, and have a photo booth at her wake, so people can take pictures with her corpse. Katie hopes to outlive Stassi, just so she can go to her funeral.
Now we find out Patrick blocked Stassi the whole time he was in Amsterdam. As Stassi explains it, she came on to him via sext and he turned her down. Then she threatened to bang another guy, so he blocked her, for fear she would cheat on him.
In other words, Patrick started a fight with Stassi so he could whore all over Amsterdam while being technically single. “But, like, just because Patrick blocked me, that doesn’t mean we’re broken up,” says Stassi hopefully.
Meanwhile, Ariana takes Billie, Lala and Scheana to CLD Style House Costume Rentals. The theme is Queens and Kings — you know, Royals, as in The Royals? Great idea! In fact, it’s right up my alley. Ariana says she’s the Queen of fucking Everything (while actually fucking nothing — at least, not that we know of). Then she says she’s focused on making this the biggest birthday blowout she’s ever had, bigger even than her epically creepy 30th birthday kiddie party.
They go try on an bunch of lingerie and faux furs, then Lala spanks Ariana’s ass and says it’s her favorite ass ever.
Billie asks Ariana how old she’s turning, and she says 32. Billie says 30s are your prime, sexually and in every way. Ariana says, “Oh, I don’t have sex.” They all exclaim, “What?!” and Ariana offers this little bit of TMI: “I don’t want anyone looking at or touching my vagina.”
She interviews, “I’m not really a big fan of my nether regions, I guess you would say. I don’t go down there myself, ever, really. I mean, Tom does. He’s actually a bigger fan of ‘this’ than I am.” Funny, I’d have pegged her for the biggest wanker on the show. Lala tells her she needs to love her pussy, and Billie prays, “Universe, please let Ariana get f*ed really hard.”
“I’m working on it,” answers the Universe.
Now the Toms saunter in to TomTom. Today is the day when they find out if they got all their permits. Sandy says, “If those permits come through, it’s going to be the biggest check we’ve ever written.” Lisa and Ken arrive, and Lisa says Sandy smells of alcohol. It turns out they went to a strip club the night before with the triplets, and made it rain. He explains to Lisa what it means to make it rain.
Lisa asks, “Does your wife know you were in a strip club last night?”
Surprise, they got the permits! Lisa tells Sandy not to cry. He interviews that he thinks about some of the happiest days of his life — when he first met Ariana, his first live performance on the Sunset Strip, the day he broke up with Kristen — this is right there with those days. Now they write their checks, and Sandy says, “Just don’t cash it till the 30th.”
“Thirtieth of what, six months?” asks Lisa.
Meanwhile, Ariana is having her first therapy session with Dr. Julia Turetskaya, to work on her vagina issues. She says she’s always been a very self-critical person. “If I am wearing shorts or a bathing suit, I have makeup on my entire body,” she admits. Wow, so normal. Over the last few years, she says, things have amplified. See, her ex boyfriend was scared of her vagina, and would say, “You should go to the doctor, there’s something wrong with you.” She says he never took a sex ed class, so he must have been from somewhere else, such as the United Arab Emirates, or Jupiter maybe.
The therapist wants to know more about this alleged relationship. Ariana is sketchy on the details. She says at the beginning it was just a fling, but then this person said, “I want you to stay with me.” Then she didn’t have money, and he was paying for things, and letting her stay there, which was nice, but then it was being held over her head. Oh, and there were a lot of scary text messages and yelling, that kind of thing.
Ah yes, it’s Ariana’s body-shaming, mean-texting ex we never heard about before — that guy.
Dr. Turetskaya asks if she has a good support system in her life, like, oh, say, a best friend who isn’t dead. Ariana says yes, her boyfriend is a really good support. She sees him as her romantic partner, a friend, and a partner in business, things like that.
Dr. Turetskaya wants to know if that future involves marriage or a family, and now we find out why Ariana doesn’t want to have babies (aside from how disgusting she finds them) — it turns out she’s scared of how ugly her vagina will look with afterbirth coming out of it. Yes, really! She says sometimes she’ll show Tom pictures of other, ickier women giving birth, and she’ll say, “You don’t really want to see all that disgusting stuff coming out of me, do you?”
Hey, doesn’t her mouth look like some kind of fucked up vagina in that pic?
So here are her totally deep and un-superficial therapy goals: she wants to be able to wear something or be naked in front of her boyfriend, and not have so much anxiety. Also, she doesn’t want Tom to think she’s not attracted to him.
Boy, I was way off. I thought she wanted Tom to think she’s not attracted to him, so she could control him through his insecurities.
Meanwhile at Villa Rosa, Lisa and Ken meet with Lala, James, KFC, and Schwa to go over the plan for World Dog Day. We flash back to World Dog Day last year, and James announcing he found someone’s Mickey Mouse key. He says it’s not the sexiest gig in town, but on the road to success, you have to pay your dues.
So Ken says that when everyone comes in through the balloon arches, they ask them for a donation. “Just a straight donation?” asks Schwa. Lisa says, he can say that he’ll make out with them for 50 cents. Ken adds, “And you’ll forget about it afterwards.” Ar-ar.
Lisa brings up that tonight the separate birthday parties are happening. KFC asks if she’s going to either party, and she says, no, she’s got businesses to run. They wrap up the meeting, and Lisa asks KFC to stay behind. She says she’s really mad at Jax, and doesn’t want him coming to World Dog Day.
Over at Tom and Ariana’s, Tom cooks an amazing breakfast, and they sit down to talk.
He asks her how therapy was, and she says, “I mean, I know I’m a work in progress, and I’m trying to figure it out, but it means a lot to me that you stick around, because it’s not easy for me to know that there’s something wrong with me.”
Tom says, “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, but when we first started dating, we were having sex, like, multiple times a week. When we took our first trip, literally we had sex, like every night we were there, and I know obviously the newness wears off, but…”
Ariana says, “The confidence is, like, partially an act. You know what I’m saying? Like, it’s new, and it’s fun, and it’s you know, like we’re falling in love with each other, and you know me better now. There is no playing pretend, there’s no pretending to be confident. So if I feel it I feel it, and if I don’t, there’s no faking it, you know what I’m saying?”
“Yeah, but I think you felt it a lot more back then,” says Tom. He interviews that he thinks she’s afraid to tell him she’s not attracted to him anymore, because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.
“You were freaking having multiple orgasms,” he says. Now she lays this trip on him that she was faking her orgasms all this time. She interviews, “I know it must be confusing for Tom, because he never knows if he’s gonna get the twerking, grinding, fun-loving, confident Ariana, or the Ariana who’s pretending she hates her hooha,” or something like that. Here we get a series of flashbacks of Ariana twerking and grinding.
Now we find out Tom was out with the triplets for days, and didn’t bother to come home much at all. Ariana says they need to spend all their time together — all of it — or she won’t have the confidence she needs to show him her hooha.
Now we’re on to Stassi’s apartment, where Stassi, Katie and Kristen are getting up for her murder party. Stassi is going for a “shot-in-the-head chic” look. Kristen says, “We’re like dead, but hot. Like sluts in a morgue.” Katie says she went to talk to Lisa, and in came Kevin Lee with a big bouquet of flowers and a half-assed apology.
Kristen says Carter was being an asshole yesterday. Apparently he was mad because they were fighting and Kristen put headphones on. Stassi says, “Patrick would propose to me within the hour if I just put headphones on.” Yeah right. Then she interviews, “Patrick doesn’t really deal with my emotional outbursts well.” She wishes he would joke his way through them, rather than bang hos around the world, then bring home boatloads of STDs.
Over at Tom and Ariana’s, Charlotte knows what she’s wearing, but poor Tom doesn’t have a clue. All he knows is, he wants to wear a kilt right now.
Jax comes in with a case of Coors, and suggests Tom just put on a suit and pick up a party crown. Tom says that when it comes to costumes, he can’t be basic, it’s a way to express himself. Here we get a retrospective of some of Tom’s past costumes.
Jax has decided to go to Ariana’s party, and that was a no-brainer because of the ex-girlfriends and booze combo over at Stassi’s. Just then, KFC calls and says Lisa doesn’t want him to go to World Dog Day. Jax says he doesn’t know why Lisa is holding on to this grudge so hard, people have done a lot worse. “I didn’t burn the place down,” he says.
KFC says, “You’re gonna miss the beauty pageant.”
“A lot of hot bitches,” says Sandy, fondly recalling his torrid make-out sesh with Butter.
At C.O.D. Seafood House & Raw Bar, Ariana’s The Royals party kicks off. The guests file in looking stunningly regal. Just then, in comes Sandy, whose emergency costume guy really came through. Looks like Ariana picked the right life to steal this time.
In comes the birthday girl, and commands everyone to party. “Everyone is killin’ the game with costumes tonight,” says James, and indeed they are. Lala tells Ariana she could not have made it any more perfect.
Ariana says, “I’m not a boss bitch, I’m a boss, bitch!” and, no way — they all laugh! How fun trading her uber-vain, cis/het, privileged famewhore existence with a certain weirdo’s vision of stuff! Meanwhile, Billie is chatting up Tom, whose costume enthralls her. He says she should have seen his drag. Billie says she’s heard amazing things.
Meanwhile, over at Stassi’s sorry-ass party, the girls come in looking half dead. Schwa arrives, and gets a BJ from the kneeling wretched creature, who happens to be wearing Ariana’s discarded hospital johnny.
He says Stassi really put her stamp on this party, but for him, the scariest thing isn’t the severed head or the blood and guts, it’s the cascading fountain of ranch dressing. “It’s probably one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen in my life,” he says.
In come Stassi’s family, then Peter and Carter. Peter presents Stassi with a magnum of champagne from Ken and Lisa. Stassi says she’s overjoyed, because the year before, she would have gotten a flaming bag of Giggy’s dog shit. Just then, in comes Arielle, the stripper from New Orleans, whom they just “bumped into” the other day, and flew in for the party.
Time for pics!
Just then, Patrick arrives, and Stassi throws herself in his douchy arms. Patrick is not in costume, unless you count his dead-douchy manbun. He asks Stassi’s mom if she’s happy they’re back together, and she nods and says, “Very.” What?! Stassi’s mom makes Sherri look like Famewhore Pimp-Mother of the Year.
Stassi says she feels like she’s walking on eggshells with Patrick, and the only way she can deal with it is to drink.
Meanwhile, over at Ariana’s The Royals party, Ariana is pulling in some cool loot, such as a gorgeous ring from Schænə.
Billie asks Jax if he went to Stassi’s party, and he tells her he doesn’t want to surround himself with that anxiety, it’s a toxic group of girls who just sit there and lash out at people, and he doesn’t want to be a part of that. He tells Billie he’s trying to surround himself with better people, because he’s going to have a heart attack before he’s forty.
Sandy says to Ariana, “You did a great job, I really did miss seeing you.” Ariana says, “One huge thing for me is time spent, and experiencing things together.”
“I’m sorry I was MIA,” says Tom.
Ariana says she was wondering what was going on, was she just not important? He says no, he really needs her, she’s his foundation. Then he interviews, “God it kills me that I have something to do with the fact that Ariana is doubting herself, and being self-conscious. I need to make sure that I’m there every night, giving her little cuddles, and being a good boyfriend.” Ah, so he’s been sleeping elsewhere these days. “You need to be my number 1,” he says.
She says, “Well, that would be cool, but…” then he changes it to, “You are my number 1.” Ariana answers, “You’re MY number 1.” And then, no way, the unthinkable happens — Sandy gets lucky! O frabjous day!
Back at Stassi’s creepy downer of a birthday party, Patrick sits down with Katie, and says, “Sup, boo?” Katie says, “I need your assistance. I’m glad you two unblocked each other, but y’all need to stop doing that shit.” Patrick says they didn’t talk for eight months, like that somehow gives him Douchelord carte blanche.
“I know, and so you guys found your way back to each other,” says Katie.
“Yeah, we’re happy, yeah,” mumbles Patrick. Katie slurs, “She can never date anyone else.” Now Patrick spills the beans. “I mean, she can bang other dudes, she just can’t date other guys,” he says, with that smarmy smirk plastered to his face. What is up with Patrick’s face, anyway?
“What?!” gasps Katie. The cat is out of the bag: this baby is officially an open deal. Patrick smirks, “Like, I told her when we were, like separate, I was like, I really don’t care about her having sex with other people, I just care about, like, emotional connection.”
Katie says, “She doesn’t have any game.” Patrick smirks, “Her game is about this dingaling.” What an ass. Kristen says that every boyfriend Stassi’s ever dated, she was the conductor, but with Patrick she’s second fiddle. More like the toilet backstage at the auditorium. Then Patrick says, “I mean, who else would you want her to date, to be honest? I win, I win.”
Jax — she’d be better off dating Jax. At least he’d pretend she meant something to him, in the form of tattoos, and lies and such.
Back at C.O.D. (thank God), Sandy makes it rain on Ariana’s ass.
Time for the cake! Jeremy touchingly says, “I love you, you’re the fucking shit,” then Ariana gets up onstage with a plastic crown, breaks it, and tells them they’re all her fucking kings and queens. She says this party has been one of the best of her entire life. We have to agree, it was pretty damned good.
Back to Stassi’s complete event-planning fail of a bad party. Katie introduces Patrick to Arielle, saying she’s the amazing stripper she had at her bachelorette party. He says, “I know,” and smirks. Katie says they’re going to do body shots, so they do a shot off Arielle’s ass, then Katie lumbers after her saying she wants to insert the shot glass in her butt. Arielle says she’ll clench up, it’s not her thing. Everyone stares in horror, including… Patrick?
Now Stassi gets upset and throws a hissy fit. She says she invited Arielle as a guest, not to do body shots and be sexually assaulted by Katie. She’s really nervous about Patrick being there, and is also really fucked up on Adderall and tequila, so she bails.
Katie and Kristen follow her to the sidewalk, and ask why she’s so upset. She says she hasn’t been able to talk to Patrick the entire night, but also she’s upset about the stripper thing. She wails, “When in my life have I ever wanted a lap dance?!” Katie and Kristen remind her of NOLA via flashback. Stassi says, “I’m so fucking annoyed by how everything turned out.” They tell her she’s being a bitch right now, and she turns, opens her gaping maw, and snarls, “It’s MY birthday! So go FUCK YOURSELVES!”
Then she says, “Tell Patrick I’m leaving,” and runs off down the sidewalk, sticking Katie with a $1400 bar tab.
It’s time for World Dog Day! James asks how Lala’s pulling in so many donations, and she says she offers to show them one nipple, then runs away. Monroe wins the Posh Puppy beauty pageant! And elsewhere, Scheana takes pics of Charlotte, who’s bundled in a baby sling.
Tom and Ariana ask where Peter was and he says he went to Stassi’s party. “They were taking shots out of a girl’s ass,” he says. “The number one person she freaked out on was Katie, though.” Ariana says, “And she wonders why I don’t want to be her friend. That’s how she treats her two best friends.” Peter agrees it’s not cool, unlike everything Ariana’s been up to lately.
Elsewhere, Lisa asks KFC if she’s making Jax sandwiches. KFC says it’ll be awhile before she makes him a sandwich, being as she’s so busy screwing his brains out. Then we get a flashback of Jax screaming at NASCAR about what a phenomenal catch he was, and how if the roles were reversed, he’d be like, “Hell yeah, I’ll make you a sandwich!” We’re curious to know on what grounds he’d be so into having himself for a boyfriend.
Katie gets an apology text from Stassi and rolls her eyes, saying this meltdown was so Stassi circa 2012. She tells Schwa she got stuck paying a $1400 bar tab. Aaaannnnd… that’s it for this week!
Dueling Birthdays — Final Score:
Still to come on VPR, Lisa becomes suspicious of Jax’s interest in rakey, James loves Lala too much, KFC may be pregnant, and Sandy tells Schwa he doesn’t want to be around Katie.
Stay tuned, Lovelies!
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