Hey there Trash-Meisters! Poof! MisRed has turned you all into Germans, without your consent, she might add. Did everyone have a Happy Valentine’s Day? MisRed spent it getting her lady parts checked… and speaking of twats:.
I’m sorry you aren’t a good enough friend to me, Kyle, dahling.
Previously on RHOBH- uh, let’s see- LVP was mad that Kyle was mad that Dorit was mad about Teddi being mad about Dorit being mad about the glass in which she was served Rose at Teddi’s Glam Circle.
Did you follow that?
MisRed thinks, this week, we are going to pile on a little Camille being mad and Erika being mad as well.
LVP was upset that no one gave her lawsuit dismissal the attention she believes it deserved- and walked out on Kyle and Dorit and the neckerchief’d waiter at Palihouse. Lest you forget it’s some hoity-toity restaurant in LA where they bandy about a shaved carrot salad like it’s some kind of culinary revelation…everyone knows waxed carrots are the latest trend.
Kyle attempted to cry on cue because she thought Dorit and LVP were plotting to kill her (ever-so-slight dramatic license taken, possibly). The ladies descended upon Teddi’s beach house for her pot-luck complete with casseroles – whoops sorry, wrong show. Rinna returned to Days of Our Lives and PK decapitated Phoenix in a horrible Faux-Precious Moments accident.
Ok, MisRed thinks this gets us all on the same page.
Shut up, Dorit!
Shut up, Dorit!
Shut up, Dorit!
Sorry, MisRed was just stretching her muscles.
Teddi, are you certain this cup is the proper size for a medium sized K-cup coffee?
Down at Teddi’s beach house, the ladies are waking up, and Dorit is acting gracious toward Teddi. Hmmm. She’s up to something or hit her head. Dorit and Teddi flashback to the previous evening saying how nice it was to relax and just be silly with the girls.
Anyone trust this? MisRed doesn’t either.
Dorit is, of course, wearing a white T-shirt that’s full of carefully crafted, and artfully-placed “holes” that probably cost her $700.
The previous evening, it would appear that LVP gave Kyle a wedgie.
Can there be some kind of warning? MisRed needs her eyes.
Kyle pulled up her shirt and put her juggs in LVP’s face- well that explains the wedgie.
The other ladies join Dorit and Teddi in the kitchen and we learn that Kyle stole Dorit’s room.
<MisRed buckles her harness>
However, it was not, in fact, Dorit’s room, it was Erika’s room, but Erika, apparently left Teddi’s the night before- which we saw in the previews.
LVP interviews that Erika had said she was having stomach cramps- due to “the worst period” of Erika’s entire life.
I’m “in season” girls…
No, not her life as a cocktail waitress, her actual menstrual flow.
Being a woman is not for wimps
Is this an episode about Auntie Flo because MisRed is not up for this horsesh*t… as she’s going through THE EXACT SAME THING?!?! Maybe this is sign that I should launch a career like Erika’s… become a gay icon… leave MrRed and bag some old, rich lawyer and PAT THE PUSS, PAT THE PUSS. She already has the completely extra flamboyant Mikey-like gay. MisRed can see it now… she’s going to skin Erika and wear her like last year’s Versace.
Sorry, MisRed was hallucinating.
Where were we? Oh, yeah, Erika has her period.
LVP says she doesn’t understand why Erika needed to check into a hotel due to stomach cramps. She’s says she’s had cramps a MILLION times and she’s never had to go to a hotel. If we take LVP at her word, literally, that would make her 83,320 years old. Which seems about right.
Anyone have a horse tampon I can borrow?
Erika shows up at Teddi’s house- and she walks in and there’s an awkward silence. However, Erika isn’t exactly giving off a cheerful attitude. But then Kyle tells Erika she missed all of the fun the previous evening, her getting a wedgie, etc.
Why is sh*t stirring their first thought as well?
Dorit interviews that SHE THOUGHT the first topic of conversation was going to be Erika’s departure from Teddi’s house since it was SUCH a big deal the night before. Apparently, Teddi was a little put out because Erika was supposed to stay with her but then decided, at the last minute, to go stay at a hotel. Teddi says she would have been fine if Erika had chosen to stay in a hotel from the get-go, but she shifted gears, and skedaddled to the Double Tree. Dorit thinks it’s odd that nobody wants to talk about it.
Does anyone else smell a script here?
- MisRed finds it hard to believe that Erika would not have taken Teddi aside and told her the reason she was leaving. Erika is the wife of a very high-powered attorney, she may be trashy, but she knows her etiquette and MisRed just doesn’t believe she wouldn’t have given Teddi an explanation.
- Ok, MisRed has no point B. P-Kay is gross. There, there’s your point B.
Plus, is this what we are reduced to? Can Kim Richards get arrested again to liven this season up a little? Allison DuBois? Anyone?
But just then… Teddi’s trainer- Alex- arrives to work out these old nags.
LVP, you might want to look into getting a sports bra, just saying. We know you say they are natural, but we don’t need to see them flying all over the screen.
Ok, we’ll try to get you up to a gallop
Erika and Dorit choose to NOT work out. They stand in the kitchen watching vacantly. Dorit interviews that the previous year, she had a conversation about an issue she had with Erika to all of the other ladies rather than addressing the situation with Erika herself.
If you will recall- Erika neglected to wear panties under a dress and inadvertently flashed PK who stared at her vagina like it was the f*cking Ark of the Covenant, thus angering Dorit and sparking PANTY-GATE. Where Dorit talked to anyone and everyone about the fact that Erika didn’t wear panties, vilifying her, but didn’t address it with Erika until is was a HUGE deal.
Dorit doesn’t want to get caught in THAT trap again.
Since we aren’t exercising, I think I will exercise my mouth
Dorit says to Erika “After you left, a couple of the girls were, like, very mad about it.” Erika is like- oh? And then Dorit says, “Erika, I don’t like this position at all.”
Oh does it hurt twisting the truth within an inch of its life? If it’s so uncomfortable, then why are you bringing it up, Dorit?
Erika says well- who is it and why would they be mad? Dorit says, she thinks the issue is that Erika said she was staying, but then she, instead, left. Dorit tells Erika that it was Kyle that got mad. Well, she says, it was Kyle at first, then Teddi.
Erika interviews that she had every intention of staying at Teddi’s but she was unwell, and decided to check into a hotel. She also, doesn’t understand what the big deal is.
Erika summons Kyle and asks if she was mad that Erika didn’t stay at Teddi’s? Kyle says she wasn’t mad, she just wishes Erika would have stayed and had fun with them. Erika says that Dorit just told her that Kyle was mad.
I was planning to lap dance YOU next, Erika.
Kyle is like- oh Jesus what has Dorit been stirring up while we’ve been outside?
Teddi comes in and Erika says, “Were you mad that I didn’t stay here last night?” Teddi says that she wasn’t mad, she just thought it was weird. Erika asks for clarification as to why it is “weird?” Teddi says that Erika came, picked a room, and then decided- last minute- to check into a hotel.
Okay, for the record, I might give half of one f*ck
Erika says, “I think it’s weird that you should care, but okay.”
OKAY! This is POINT B. Yes, Erika always boasts about how she doesn’t give one single f*ck, blah, blah, blah, but MisRed cannot believe she would- unprompted- act like this. Erika is cold, and difficult to crack, but we just saw her in the car with LVP listening and advising as a true friend would, AND she took time out of her life to help Dorit make a fool of herself at P-Kay’s 90th Birthday Party. Something isn’t ringing true here.
Odd reaction, in MisRed’s opinion. But ok… let’s see where this goes.
Teddi says- she isn’t mad, she isn’t hurt, she just thought it was weird. Dorit chimes in that she was starting to feel uncomfortable when she was sitting with Erika, so she had to say something. Camille asks Dorit why she even told her? Erika comes to Dorit’s defense saying that Dorit felt Erika needed to know.
That’s not cool
Camille says “What? You want to be a tattletale, that’s not cool.” Dorit says she wasn’t being a tattletale. Camille says- “But it kind of was…”
<Knock Knock Knock>
Dorit: Who is it?
Camille: It’s the “Stupid c*nt” and she’s coming for you, Betch.
Dorit says that “it was a discussion.” Camille says if it was, in fact, a discussion, then everyone should have been involved. Camille, in her interview, says, she thinks Dorit was trying to latch onto Erika- as a barnacle friend- and thought that this was the way to do it.
Well, Dorit does want to BE Erika.
Erika says to Teddi, bluntly, “I didn’t want to bleed all over your sheets.” Erika then gets upset, and walks out of the room.
Teddi says that it’s becoming a much bigger deal than it needs to be… and Camille says “Yes, because someone tattletaled.”
Dorit, the tattletale, says “Oh, whatever, Camille. What are we 12? Someone went and tattletaled.”
Is “tattletaled” even a word? Tattle-Told. Who knows? Anyone have the energy to look this up?
Hmmm. LVP works out with full camel-toe. Interesting.
Erika has gone into either a bathroom or another room and Dorit and LVP are standing at the door, asking if Erika is okay. Dorit walks by Camille and says, “You are so silly.”
Camille follows Dorit and says “Oh please! Call me silly. You called me a C*NT. I think that’s so silly. Dorit, I don’t agree with the things you say and some of the things you do. Calling me a stupid c*nt in front of my boyfriend was not cool.”
Who you calling c*nt, C*nt?
Dorit says, “Going over it again?” OH PLEASE. The queen of the rehash is now pissed someone is REHASHING her and her disgusting behavior??!!
Camille then says, “I think you say things for attention and I don’t think it’s cool. I don’t think you should have said anything. If Teddi had something to say about it she could have said it.”
Teddi is like- Firstly, I wasn’t the only one saying it but I stand by it. Nobody cared where you slept, we just thought it was weird. Teddi interviews “I thought it was weird. You’re not okay with that, don’t do weird sh*t.”
We are at the 10:10 mark. Is 4:45AM too early for a cocktail? Asking for a friend.
It was weird
Teddi says the only thing she cares about is that Erika is upset. Erika is like- I’m fine, it’s just embarrassing and it’s gross. Come on- the topic isn’t P-Kay… Everyone is like- hey, we are all women, it happens to all of us. Teddi then touches Erika’s shoulder in a gesture of comfort and Erika recoils saying, “I don’t need any more petting, I’m fine.”
Then the TENSE music starts and everyone is just sitting there staring at one another. Teddi then gets upset and says that she was trying to comfort Erika and Erika just shut her down. She was trying to extend an olive branch and it was not accepted.
What you really should be crying about is those countertops
Erika says “Well, that’s me being hurt. That’s me being embarrassed.”
Teddi says this shouldn’t be about her (Teddi), it never should have been about her. She says it was an off-the-cuff comment- about Erika leaving and it being weird- and now Teddi is being made to feel like she did something wrong. I just said it was weird, and it WAS weird, but nobody should have their feelings hurt over it.
And Kyle’s lap dance validated my fear of her backfat
LVP interviews that she does feel for Teddi in that moment because she has already expressed that she is uncomfortable with entertaining, and suddenly she has all of these high-maintenance women around her and it’s validating her fears. Of course LVP does nothing to neutralize the situation.
And we resolve, exactly, nothing. Yayyyyyy.
Gus! We are going to need the belt sander in here… STAT
We go to visit Rinna’s on the set of The Middle- getting her make-up done, talking about how hard she is working. Great. Next scene. Clear Rinna. CLEAR!
Thanks for the sh*tty time!!
Everyone packs up at Teddi’s, and Erika thanks Teddi for having her and apologies if she hurt Teddi’s feelings- she was simply embarrassed and then to hear people were talking about her, it hurt her.
In the car, LVP, Dorit and Kyle talk about situation and Kyle is like -Why was I singled out first? Why did Erika ask me about it and why was she putting the blame on me?
Because of Dorit and her big, stupid, mouth.
She didn’t so much push Kyle in front of the bus as throw her under it
Dorit tries to say that Erika didn’t single Kyle out. Kyle says that she did and asks if Dorit said that Kyle was mad- and Dorit says “I said you and Teddi. She said who brought it up?” Kyle says that they all thought it was weird and thinks it’s inappropriate for Dorit to have said something.
Dorit says “It’s not a big deal, but these things can become a big deal.” And Kyle is like – Uh yeah, it just became a big deal because of Dorit.
MisRed aside: Dorit is a c*nt-knuckle of epic proportions. There was no reason to bring this up other than to stir the pot and/or to try to climb further into Erika’s ass. She succeeded in creating a mountain out of a mole hill, which is her specialty.
Where is the lever MisRed can pull to have a safe fall on Dorit’s head?
But enough about me. What do you think of me?
Back in the 90210, Erika serves Tom a cup of coffee. Tom is still recovering from his car accident and is working from home, which Erika has been enjoying- as he’s never home much. Tom says he’s working so hard, but not as hard as Erika. Erika then pulls that little old spotlight right onto herself recounting all of her accomplishments- patting the puss, having someone write a book for her, having someone write a ballad for her… but then she says that she can’t fathom how Tom manages his whole firm and all of his cases- it’s massive. She says she has learned a lot from Tom- when to let things go and when to take things seriously, etc. Tom thinks it’s a bid deal that Simon and Schuster sought Erika out for a book- Erika says that she is like a fish out of water in that arena.
Did this scene accomplish anything? No. But we got to see a little more of Mr.G, which, MisRed happens to like.
At the Casa de la Rat, Rinna and her kids are packing for NYC. GG and the Udder One are walking in some shows for NYC Fashion Week, we learn that Camille’s daughter, GG, is also walking in a show. Dorit is having a party and Kyle is having some shindig at her store.
Rinna’s GG is also moving to NYC. How long as this kid been moving to NYC for- the past 14 months? The Udder One says that Rinna needs to take her to a couple of stores- and GG says- “Well if you had your license you could drive yourself.” The Udder One says that she wants to spend time with her mom! You would have thought that Rinna was offered another Depends commercial, she jumps on top of the poor kid and smothers her with kisses.
Someone likes me!!!
Finally, someone wants to be with her by choice.
Let’s check in at the House of Smarm- PK’s parents have decided to stay in town a little longer. Dorit is upset because she “hasn’t had a moment’s rest.” Uh. Ok.
Being an asshole is exhausting.
Dorit is happy that both sets of grandparents are in town to help P-Kay out while she’s away in NYC. Because the 4 nannies probably couldn’t handle the kids, like they do the other 358 days of the year?
P-Kay’s parents seem borderline human. What happened to him?
P-Kay asks Dorit how things went at Teddi’s? Dorit, we assume, recaps for P-Kay and the in-laws what happened and says that she has a bit of anxiety about going to New York with everyone. P-Kay’s Mom, bless her heart, has obviously never watched this show, says “Time heals, it will mellow. People don’t remember every aspect.” bahahahahahaahahahah.
Teddi meets Kyle at her store because Teddi is going to Fashion Week and she has no clue what to wear. Teddi says she likes simple things, but fitted. Ok, Kyle’s House of MuMus probably isn’t the place for you.
Kyle and Teddi discuss the whole Dorit/Erika debacle and Kyle thinks that it was Dorit’s way of outing them as being mean, especially Kyle and then stepping away from the fire. Coincidentally, it was Kyle and Teddi that were “against” Dorit in Glass-Gate, and now Dorit is creating some drama and making Teddi and Kyle the “bad guys.”
Erika and Mikey are choosing “Moments” for her trip.
Yes, you never know when I might audition for a Gay Marching Band
LVP is having Rocio pack up all of her favorite see-thru shirts and dresses. And LVP has the MOST practical luggage possible- Chanel Pink Velvet. The only thing more practical would be to have it be made out the skins of infant panda bears.
Dorit is packing with the help of the Walking/Talking Liverwurst, P-Kay.
P-Kay always looks like he just got finished rolling around in a kiddie pool full of Vaseline
Dorit is “hosting” a party for Bella magazine because she’s on the cover. Wow.
- Never heard of Bella Magazine
- They must be hard up for cover models
- They must have never watched this show
The betches arrive at the airport and fly to NYC.
Erika reminisces about her time in NYC, when she was just a young girl.
Rinna and GG are shopping in NYC. Rinna says that all of the people she knows who have moved to NYC-their parents go ahead and set everything up for them.
Who exactly does Rinna know, because f*cking Yolanda, who did this? Hey, MisRed has an idea? Let’s breed an entire generation of kids who are non-self-sufficient, think their sh*t doesn’t stink, clueless, over-dramatic, work-adverse and self-entitled. Oh wait, we already did this: Millennials and beyond.
BUT! Rinna says she’s NOT doing that. We get shots of GG’s apartment and it looks like a cyclone hit it.
Things are really shaping up over there.
Rinna says that GG is paying for that apartment and if Rinna has to help her, GG will pay her back.
Well ok, not sure MisRed believes that, she’s going to need to see the ledger on that situation to be sure.
Rinna takes GG to Jonathan Adler to shop- for ideas only.
This would make one hell of a smoothie
Rinna finds some decorative glass pills that she thinks she needs- harking back to Xanax-Smoothie-Gate Circa 2016-2017 Season.
Will that fit in my baggie?
I’ll tell you, the big one is, approximately, the right size for MisRed to take to block out Dorit.
MisRed might need two
GG tells Rinna that she has clogged her toilet and doesn’t have a plunger. GG’s decorative “ideas” cost Rinna $585.
The other ladies check into the Hotel, except Kyle and LVP who go to Kyle’s store.
Ugh, speaking of Kyle, MisRed’s support staff seems to have some flatulence today. Whew! Do NOT go in here.
Who wore it better? Kyle’s belt buckle or Clariiiiiiiiiice?
Teddi and Rinna meet for dinner and Camille and Dorit join them. Dorit’s giant concrete boulders are on display and crack Rinna’s spine in 3 places when they hug. Dorit tells Rinna “I miss your energy!” Did Dorit have a PCP sandwich for lunch? Since when has she ever had a nice thing to say about Rinna.
Please don’t hit me with those boulders again
The girls order some food they aren’t going to eat. Erika shows up late. Erika and Rinna want to know what’s been going on with everyone.
Dorit rehashes the Kyle, LVP, Dorit dinner when LVP left in a huff.
See you all in HELL, Dahlings!!!!
Rinna, of course, loves it. Erika and Camille think that there is a little bit of “friend jealousy” going on. Erika interviews that she thinks LVP absolutely LOVES the fact that Kyle and Dorit are competing for her friendship and affection.
Interesting that Erika is mad when people talk behind her back…but when the Jimmy Choo is on the other foot, it’s not an issue.
Dorit recounts the tiff between Kyle and LVP at Teddi’s beach house. Then Dorit brings up the fact that Erika left the Beach house and says that Kyle “was very outspoken” about Erika leaving to go to the hotel. Erika wants to know exactly what was said?
Dorit says that Kyle said, “What the hell is this?”
Camille is like – here we go again, Dorit.
Ugh, and she thought Kelsey was a pretentious twatknuckle
Teddi, again, says that she felt it was weird.
Rinna interviews that the fact that Erika left wasn’t weird, the way that the women are dealing with it is weird. Hmmmm, possibly some biased on Rinna’s part?
Erika goes on to say that she doesn’t really care if anyone thinks it’s weird or not. She is going to do what she wants to do and that’s the fact.
They get back to talking about LVP, and Dorit says that LVP has said to her PRIVATELY- note that word PRIVATELY- “Dorit, I really feel like, sometimes when we are in a group, you get talking with someone else, and you don’t even include me, and you know, you don’t listen to me. She also said when I’m talking to her sometimes, she said I just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk over her.”
Yes, LVP is so JEALOUS of me and my fake life and disgusting husband
And Dorit dissolves in a fit of laughter- which is nice for her because nobody else is laughing. She continues “I may have even said, she was feeling jealous that I was talking to Kyle.”
Erika says, “Who did you say that to?” Dorit says she said it to Kyle. Rinna wants to know if Dorit has said it to LVP?
Dorit says “No. Not yet. But this is—like, nothing I wouldn’t say to her.” Yeah right, and MisRed dispenses $100 bills from her butt twelve times a day.
Rinna says – so whatever you said to Kyle, you would say right to Lisa? Dorit says yes. Rinna says she worries for Dorit because LVP is going to be REALLY pissed when she finds out what Dorit has said.
Good luck with that, Dorit!!
Yasssssss. And MisRed can’t wait.. she is already popping that Jiffy Popp- the good, old fashioned kind you make on the stove… yup, she is firing that sh*t up.
Oh look! It’s the same team who convinced Teresa Guidice she could write a book too.
Next time:. Erika goes to Simon & Schuster. Rinna’s Udder One is going to walk in the Dolce & Gabana Show. Kyle finds out (we don’t see how) what Dorit has said about LVP and runs right to LVP with the info.
My back fat would never betray you, Lisa
Mmmmmm, MisRed can’t wait. We then see Dorit talking to LVP in the park saying “I’m over it.. but I want to be sure if I’ve said anything, that I’ve told you.”.
Et tu, Dorit?
LVP says “Are there any other little nuggets you’d like to deliver to me? Because now is your chance.” And then LVP pushes Dorit down into the sewer from whence she came. Ok, a little wishful thinking on MisRed’s part.
Yes, Yes, I have you right where I want you…right there in my web…
Kyle and Dorit get into it and the look on LVP’s face is PRICELESS.
MisRed really wonders how much longer we can subsist on these petty, ridiculous, arguments? Can LuAnn party with one of these chicks and stir up some real trouble? Can it be about Tom? My kingdom for someone to demand a casserole!!! Can someone rip someone’s hair extensions out? PLEASE. Flip a table? Prostitution Whore? The Round Up? Anything?
What do you guys think? Do you think Teddi has the right to think Erika leaving was weird? Do you think LVP is going DRAG Dorit? MisRed hopes.
You guys had such nice comments for MisRed last week. She appreciates the love… if she hadn’t had her tear ducts sealed in 1992, she might have shed a tear. xoxox Love you guys!!
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