Here we are, week two of Celebrity Big Brother United States Deluxe Compressed edition! So far we’ve had an asthma attack and dwindling breast milk on the health front, maybe tonight someone will break a leg Christmas-style.
Last time, Ross was the HOH and nominated Omarosa and Rudy with the ultimate goal of backdooring Shannon; but then Rudy had to leave to feed her baby so an eviction was straight up wasted.
Thanks a lot, baby.
Omarosa is sad that Rudy is gone, because they were best friends (see, I could’ve said “breast friends” there but I didn’t), and now the target will always be on her back, and it’s been her against the world for her whole life.
“Boo hoo” I say aloud, popcorn spilling from my mouth
What’s that? You want to hear more details about Rudy and her breast milk? Great, because that’s what our first segment is! Why have an HOH comp when we could be watching this? Lets go back in time, to two hours before the eviction.
Me too, Marissa.
So Rudy’s breast milk supply is dwindling because she is separated from her baby; for the first time ever in that baby’s life! Ari and Marissa are understanding of the situation, but also bummed out that the Shannon backdoor is falling through (so say we all). Brandi is…less sympathetic.
Brandi for the win (I know I said Ross at first, but I’m changing my mind)
Pulling Rudy aside, Brandi makes the point that they ALL miss their kids, but –
CAN EVERYONE QUIT SAYING MILK
Well you know what? Brandi has to provide for her kids, too – it’s $30,000 a year for private school instead of breast milk, but potato/potato.
Oh my god, stop
Omarosa cannot believe Brandi would put her own need for money over Rudy’s child’s need for boob juice, and she says as much in her patented evil whisper in the DR. Moving on!
Shannon, blissfully unaware of the bullet she just dodged, is glad that Rudy is gone and that her alliance is going strong,
Sweet summer child
Ross is playing it very cool with Shannon and James, and shows us his “confused but I really know what’s going on” face that he uses for nefarious purposes.
Now it’s time for the HOH competition! Ross and the BB Squirrel – who I’m certain has a name – are in matching captain’s outfits.
The “Get Your Put In Gear” comp consists of getting the best time on three hole-in-ones, while dealing with the winds generated by their superfans.
Oh, also they’re dressed like this for some reason.
Mark is loving it.
Up first is Brandi, who makes some obligatory fan puns and finishes up with a time of 5:56. Shannon is next, with Omarosa glaring on from the sidelines. It looks like another shutout, since she gets the first two shots on her first try. The third one takes foreeeeeeever, but not as long as it took Brandi, since Shannon beats her time with 3:04. Everyone starts getting nervous that Shannon will win and prevent her imminent eviction, but hey – I’ll let the superfan explain why.
Thank you so much.
Omarosa has an uneventful turn, followed by Marissa’s terrible one, then we’re on to Ariadna. She’s got her game face on (which is still just full makeup), and after figuring out how to hold her golf club –
she takes the lead! Her time is 2:18, and everyone freaks out congratulating her in a totally non incriminating fashion.
Next up – Metta! Metta’s got…some thoughts. “I’ve got a million thoughts going through my brain, like what if an iceberg hits us, what if we drown, what if one of my friends fall in the ocean and she’s like ‘come back, come back'”
What exactly do you think is happening here, sir?
Metta’s turn stretches on for an eternity, becoming into a psychedelic nightmare of fan closeups and deep thoughts, until the clock runs out. Mark is next on the scene, and he’s continuing the proud Paul tradition of screaming and wildly gesticulating in the DR.
If he says “friendship” I’m out
His plan is to not win, and cruse on under the radar. Last up is Big Time James; Ari gives him an ill-advised tip on how to play, and he gets 2:18, BUT –
Big Time Frustrated
Just like that, Ariadna is the new HOH.
I know, right?
I’m really starting to feel bad for Shannon now, because she feels safe and is so excited and happy Ariadna won. Unbeknownst to Shannon, there’s a dance party of deception going on in another part of the house.
Elsewhere, Metta is doing…this.
Iceberg! Dead ahead!
Metta is finally down to start playing, because he is PISSED that Rudy got to go home –
YEAH WE GET IT
but he is unable to leave even though he really, REALLY misses his wife. Thus we see the gradual transformation of Metta World Peace into BB’s newest hashtag – Metta World Beast! He vows that he will see the blood of his enemies stain the ground at his very feet! Or something.
I was close
Beastmode Metta proposes just putting up the main targets of James and Shannon, and Ari agrees. Well, Ari and Brandi agree – they’re a package deal at this point.
Oh hey, are you ready for more of Omarosa’s White House Story Time?
Basically: the White House is a dump, and Melania has great decorating taste and is smarter than people give her credit for. I…don’t know if intellect is the major problem people have with her but whatevs.
Everyone except James and Shannon (not suspicious at all) meet up in the HOH suite to discuss plans – Ross wants the pre-discussed Shannon backdoor, but Ari’s still down with Metta’s straightforward plan.
Frightened by Shannon’s supernatural powers (I think that’s why they want her out, right?), Ariadna doesn’t want to be left alone, lest Shannon try to mind control her. It’s definitely not suspicious to Shannon that everyone is just chilling in the HOH suite, and whenever Shannon walks in the conversations turn very loudly to “what’s for dinner?”
Not suspicious at all.
Oops, I spoke too soon; Shannon figures out that something’s amiss – how can she talk to her team about nominating Metta when Metta won’t stop sprawling on the floor talking about icebergs?
Finally, Shannon tires of the forced small talk and leaves, causing Brandi and Ariadna to mutter “she’s CRAZY” to each other. Downstairs, Shannon tells James that she thinks the tides have turned against them – James is predictably bland about the news.
As dinner is prepared, Shannon gets an answer to a question I didn’t know she’d asked.
Since no one will look her in the eye, has deduced she’s going up on the block. This immediately sends her into a dramatic tailspin.
“I fear this consumption shall claim me within the fortnight”
James tries to get Shannon to snap out of it, but Shannon’s too busy being sad she doesn’t have any friends. Which is, you know, pretty sad.
Enough crying, it’s nomination time!
Before Ari joins them, Shannon tries to refute the lies about her secret alliances. Sadly, it’s too late for the truth because everyone thinks Shannon is an evil manipulative monster. Possibly with super human strength.
After that awkward and super low volume conversation, Ariadna makes her way onto the scene.
To no one’s surprise, the first nominee picture that lights up is James’ – he takes the chance to make the “””joke””” – “you know, that really isn’t a bad photo at all!”. Ha ha ha.
Shannon’s picture appears next, but Shannon can’t get any lower than she already was. Omarosa turns to the camera and smugly says “Revenge is a dish best served…cold” like it’s a phrase she’s just invented, and that’s it for the episode. Who will win veto? Will there be a backdoor? Make sure you have an adequate supply of breast milk pumped, and tune in Friday to find out!
I can’t wait!