Welcome back! The above audiobook is a podcast available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. They’re free the week they’re released and then go to the premium feed. Find it at podbean. Thanks for the support!! xoxoxo – Ronnie
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Rinna called a drunk a drunk, Eden went to Auntie Vanderpump to forge an alliance after every other cast member put her on IGNORE, and Kyle got some PR for Mauri’s Mexico property wearing a swimsuit three sizes too small.
We open in Mexico, and I’m on TV!! Yes, I stalk these idiots. I couldn’t ride a Vespa on the beach though, so I had to settle for a fucking horse.
We open where we left off last week: Rinna arriving in Mexico going “HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! Hello! It’s me! Lisa Rinna! In Mexico! Hi! Hola! Hi! HIIIIIIIII!” while everyone stares at her awkwardly.
Kyle’s hunched over a Lazy Suzan built for the pool. Where can I get one of those? That shit is amazing. Only Kyle would have a pool with chairs and a Lazy Susan INSIDE OF IT. She’s trying to throw shade by saying she’d get up to say hi but she’s really happy where she is, but it’s Kyle at a floating table of food, so Rinna doesn’t question it.
Kyle tells us she can’t be fake right now. She’s feeling one thing. Anger. Anger that there isn’t a Dominos in Mexico. Jesus Kyle, eat your lunch.
Rinna wanders off to find her room. Mauri would help her, but he knows if he leaves Kyle will finish the tacos herself. As she walks off, Vanderpump says “I feel bad now. Like a hypocrite, you know what I’m saying?” Well, yes. Last season Rinna, Eileen and co. built up a gotcha moment and then laid it on you when you were least expecting it. The difference is that this Kyle Slight was caught on camera, so Rinna’s busted. Hopefully Rinna learned something from Vanderpump during that encounter and will respond to all of this with a “Whaaaaat? Nevah happened! Unless my poor old frail brain is losing steam. DAHLING AM I DYING OF ALZ…I forgot what I was talking about. Are there tacos left?”
Later in the day, the girls start gathering one by one to go to the big Mauricio’s Selling Something Again party. Kyle wants to confront Rinna, but not at Mauri’s party. There will be a taco bar there and she’s too polite to yell with her mouth open. Rinna comes down in a green dress, and Kyle says “We’re like Christmas” in the saddest voice ever. Poor Kyle. Could you imagine Christmas in that house? “Here’s a tiny airplane bottle of vodka for Kim and NOTHING FOR THE ONE WHO CAN’T BOOK ONE DAMN COMMERCIAL.” Sad Kyle horns. As if understanding the meaning of Christmas colors, Rinna hugs both of Kyle’s backs.
It’s an odd time politically to build walls in Mexico, but Mauri don’t give a fuck. Let’s fiesta, bitches! They all get to the party and Erika’s like “MARGIS! Hey it’s a mariachi band! I’m a great mariachi band myself!” Kyle tells the bartender that she needs more tequila “because I’m married to a Mexican.” The most stressful kind of husband to have, apparently. The Mexican Man behind the bar doesn’t take offense. Instead, he hands her the entire bottle.
Mauricio gives a super mouth breathe-y speech about his pride in bringing people back to Punta Nita. If you want to keep people in Punta Nita, please don’t let Kyle do the splits on the dance floor. No telling how long she’ll be stuck there without her normal dudes from AAA to rush in with their special unstick tools.
In other news, Dorit seems to have found a local coke dealer.
Ken is here with his shirt unbuttoned down to his pubic line, but don’t worry. He’s not just here to give us all boners. A flesh Roomba’s work is never done. As he picks up crumbs around the floor in a sombrero, Kyle dances off her tacos with him.
Rinna tells Eileen and Erika about her kid walking in New York. Erika’s all “I can walk. I’m a great walker. Everyone says that.” No, she walked in a fashion show. “I’m great at fashion. Love it.” Rinna and Eileen do their best to not stare at Erika’s rock hard fashion nipples.
Eileen announces that she has to barf and she’s not asking permission to feel that way so just deal with it.
Eileen tries to figure out what’s making her sick. The tacos? The water? The FEELINGS? Please don’t cry, Eileen. Please. Maybe it was that vitamin drip she got with Eden. Cut to scene with Eden. Flashbacks are the only scenes they’re putting in with Eden. The producers must hate her ass because they’re completely editing her out of this show. It’s almost like they cast Edens on purpose and then abuse them to remind us that they do still have some grasp on taste.
At the vitamin drip session (only on this show), Eden is going off about what else? Kyle and Kim! She says that Twitch isn’t the problem, it’s Kyle because Kyle enables Twitch and then gives Eden NOTHING. Jesus lady, get a damn life. You’re not the Franzia police. Eileen sat there and listened to the whole story, waiting for her chance to get in a monologue about not banning herself from crying at random moments, but Eden never let her talk. #blessed
Erika senses that Eileen is about to segue into a story about her emotions on the whole subject, so she blocks her and tells Rinna “You really need to talk to Kyle.” Rinna’s all “Shit. What’d I do now?” Erika won’t tell her the whole story, because it will be much funnier coming from Kyle as she tries to swallow the taco bar whole.
Rinna walks up to Kyle with a bowl of salsa to wash down her snack and asks her to talk. “Erika said you’re mad. I have no idea why! I can’t even imagine what you’d be mad about. Is it my green dress? Show me on this taco where Christmas hurt you, baby!”
Kyle tells her that Eden has told Vanderpump about her saying that Kim said that Jack Daniels told her that Kyle said that Dorit said that Kyle…OH FUCKIN A with this. Erika rolls her eyes and calls this the worst game of telephone ever. “I’m great at telephone, though. Everyone says so.”
Rinna’s like “UM WHAT did I say? I don’t even remember ever saying anything to Eden about anything really. I think I just talked about how AMAZING the chips were at the FANTASTIC Mexican restaurant we were at. They had a mariachi band there, too. I’m really loving mariachi! What a sound! How is it not in the top 40? Mariachi is life, baby!”
Kyle snaps her fingers in Rinna’s face to bring her back to the present. “Did you or did you not say that Kim is near death?” Rinna’s eyes bug out and her wig shakes faster than her head. “Did she get into an accident? What happened to Kim? Was she trying to hang glide off an overpass again? I’ll go visit her in the hospital, bless her heart! I love Kim Richards! How would I have known she was close to death if I didn’t even know about her hang gliding accident? That doesn’t make sense. Was she drunk again?”
Kyle flicks her in the forehead. “Focus! Did you say Kim was close to death and I was an enabler?” Rinna blinks a lot. “I might have said those words in a different combo. Like: Kim’s close to killing a bottle of two buck chuck and Kyle’s enabling independent women to wear fur vests way too young for them or something like that…” Vanderpump is here now, and she’s not having it. “Did you say it or not, Rinna? You can’t just forget saying someone’s near death!”
Rinna’s all “Who are you sweet lady? Have we met? Are you a fairy godmother? Do I get my wishes now? I want a pumpkin car! Like Sleeping Beauty! No darn it what was her name? Where am I? What day is it? Is it Nancy’s birthday? Bring me Nancy!” Lisa Vanderpump is not buying that Lisa Rinna has turned into Ronald Reagan. She knew him and he was sharper than he let on. “So you DID say it!”
Rinna deflects. “I’ll tell you what I AM saying, Dorit had lunch with Eden and Eden said bad stuff about Kyle’s sister who was just in a near death accident. HOW COULD SHE?” Dorit wasn’t ready to spew her bullshit yet. She tries to focus her coke eyes. “Yass. Yass shuh deed!”
Flashback to another Eden scene from the cutting room floor where Eden is going off on what a messy drunk ass Twitch is. Eileen says that in her cut scene, Eden was just worried about her own dead sister. Kyle shouts that it’s shit like this that drives a drunk to drink. Then Kim should be thankful to have a decent excuse this time. It’s more sympathetic than “Id’s vive a clock sumwheres!”
Rinna apologizes a bunch even though she can’t remember what for. “I’ve been so careful with my words!”
Vanderpump literally squeals “Careful with your words?!? You stood there and said ‘Let’s talk about your arrest’ dahling! That’s not careful!” No. Careful with your words is when you say something like “Is Kim sober? I don’t know but Kyle says she is and that’s good enough for me” shrug. That’s careful, Rinna!
Rinna tells Vanderpump “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. You’re correct and also right. Right. Yes. Right. Correct. Yes. Right.” Vanderpump throws water on her face to stop her from shorting out. “So you’re 1,000 times positive you didn’t say the words…” Rinna stops her. “A thousand times? That’s so much! Is anyone that sure of anything? A thousand? Is that even a percentage? Are you making up numbers or am I this bad at math?”
Vanderpump is gleeful. Her squawking impersonation of Rinna brings birds crashing into the windows of the bar.
The ladies decide there’s nothing they’re gonna be able to do at this point. Rinna’s basically a twitching, word repeating mess. As she furiously dials 1-800-FLOWERS to send gifts to Kim’s hang gliding accident hospital, Kyle drops her offense. “OK, Rinna, you can come on now. You’re literally backed into a corner now.” She is, in fact, in a corner behind a folded up table trying to defend herself from the taco shells spewing from Kyle’s mouth.
Kyle and Vanderpump walk away as Rinna slumps onto the ground muttering “blueberries are from Canada, pie is from America” over and over again, broken. Eileen pats her on the head and tells us that Vanderpump is a little too happy about this. Almost like she wanted it to happen. Well no shit, Eileen. The difference between her and you is that she didn’t have to MAKE it happen. You lost. Feel free to be emotional about it.
Rinna pops up full of energy. “I’m not letting her get away with this! My life is too good for this bullshit!” She’s in a crazy place right now. She’s gonna go to the nearest CVS in Mexico and start dumping bottles of Vidal Sassoon all over the floor. Crying, she leaves and paces outside. “WHYYYYY?! WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!” Eileen has found a way to blame Vanderpump for all this, which is so Eileen. “They’re just all jumping on the bandwagon.” Well, to be fair, they’ve jumped on yours in the past and it won’t go further than the sale rack at Ross Dress For Less. It’s called giving themselves options, EILEEN.
Rinna stops her crying by reminding herself that she’s doing this show for a very important reason: to bring duster awareness to poor women in the middle of the country who need her guidance. She marches back into the party and announces that she’s gonna take Eileen home. Vanderpump celebrates by twirling Kyle around the dance floor and saying “She’s not owning it, eh? Someone’s lying. Probably the person who was lying last year!” Kyle refuses to laugh at this, so Lisa does an impression of Rinna again.
Erika leaves too, mostly because PK can’t stop staring at her fashion nipples and she feels like a cookie at fat camp. She checks on Rinna and tells her “Now listen, girl. It’s super important that you remember what you said and confess.” Rinna’s all “Um…said about Mexico being the most amazing country on the planet? I confess! The beaches! The air! The panchos!” Erika grabs her face. “About Kim.”
“Kardashian? What a talented girl! Once I saw her balance a bicycle on her butt! Just her butt! I looked for strings and THERE WERE NO STRINGS! There! I said it! Kim Kardashian is a star!”
Erika doesn’t waver. “Think back. Waaaay back. You were with Eden, and you said that Kim…”
“Yes! I said that no one would have been a better Tootie than Kim Fields! What an actress! Did you know she learned to roller skate for that role?” Erika puts an ice pack on Rinna’s wig and closes the door behind her, quietly. She suspects that producers might be putting stuff in their water bottles. “Everyone in this group of girls has trouble remember things at one time or another.”
Kyle, Vanderpump and Dorit pile into the bus with their men. Vanderpump is shitfaced. “Let’s have a husband swap, dahlings! I’ll take the porky one.” Kyle shields Mauricio. PK slurs “Who’s the unlucky fucker to end up with you, Liser?” She laughs way too hard, so PK goes on. “Hey Ken, how many times have you fallen asleep waiting for that one to take off her enormous knickers?” HAHAHAHAH. Lisa cracks up. She stands and starts pulling her spanx-erware down from her chest.
Kyle has a pair of Vanderpump’s knickers and holds them up for us, saying they’re like a bedspread. “I’m sure Ken wants to wife swap!” Not for you. Cuz I think any man would choose the woman who knows her spanx over a woman with five backs on the dance floor. No offense.
When they arrive back at the house, PK tells Lisa he’s gonna get ready for bed and meet her later. She says “I’ll be in the bedroom on all fours barking like a dog, dahling.” I have never seen Vanderpump like this. Making Rinna cry is her Super Bowl win.
The next day, Vanderpump comes downstairs reading the back of a shampoo bottle in Spanish, hoping that it says “Bring me some orange juice, please” somewhere on the label. She’s still high off her revenge cocktail. Meanwhile, Rinna is in her room calling Harry Hamlin to tell him about the dramz. “They think I put Kim in a body cast after convincing her to hang glide off an overpass again. I don’t remember doing that!” He’s all uh huh, I’m performing breast augmentation surgery on a frog I found outside just to see if it can be done and she’s all “You’re the most brilliant man alive, Harry Hamlin! And so handsome! Back off ladies, Harry Hamlin is m…hello? Harry? Are you there? Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Harry? Hi!” He’s gone.
Let’s see how the poor people in Mexico live. Oh I’m sorry. It’s Eden’s house.
Eden’s mom is here! Oh shit. The one who went to the Hamptons right after she pushed you out? You’ve forgiven the heartless bitch? I can’t help but hope ole Mom takes Eden to the Beverly Center, tells her she’s gonna use the ladies’ room and never comes back. Eden tells her “I LOVE you” with way too much drama. Mom just stares at her. “Well, that feels….good. I love you, too.”
If it seems like these two have known each other for five minutes it’s because they have. Mom was a drunk, and then when she sobered up, Eden became a drunk. About four years ago, their sobriety calendars matched up and they decided to have lunch. Eden has so much to talk to Mom about. Just kidding! Just Kim and Kyle again. “Mom, remember when Cat was alive and she partied with those actors?”
“Why yes! Jimmy Spader and that handsome Robert Downey Jr. He could inject heroin while playing ‘Heart and Soul’. It was touching.”
Eden: Do you remember the girls at all?
Mom squints and her eyes turn cold. “Kim Twitchards. You know she stole a jar of mayonnaise from the kitchen. Who does that? I left the keys to the Bentley right there on the kitchen table but that Kim just had to make chicken salad with her hands. I’ll never forget her. I still have a chain and padlock on the refrigerator. Why do you ask? Has she died?”
Eden: No mom. I’m on a show with her.
Mom: Have her arrested.
Eden tells her about calling the Richards out because she couldn’t save her sister, and her mom tells her to mind her own damn business and shut up. OK thanks for coming over, mom! Mom’s all “ok I’m gonna pretend you were just born and leave now.” Eden hugs her and won’t let go. “Dammit Eden these hugs. Let me go!”
Eden’s mom for the win.
Back in Mexico, Dorit and PK are calling the Tit Nurse, Peggy. “Hallo?”
“Teet nuhs! Weya heha in Mexeeko!”
Peggy: Who dis?
Dorit: It’s PK and Dorit! Ken ya heya ows?
Peggy: Jagger, who am I?
Dorit: He sed “Mama!”
Peggy: He was talkin’ ta me. Why you callin’ here? The cameras aren’t enough? The kids are fed and there’s no poo poo in da pan pan. What more ya want from us?
Dorit: It takes a village, Peggeh!
Peggy: You’ve got a damn village here, lady! Der are nineteen of us taking care of two orphan behbehs! We’re busy! Don’t call here again if ya know what’s good fer ya!
That was touching. Everyone’s going out on a boat today, but Vanderpump has to go to Washington. “I’m going to speak to congress about the Yulin dog meat festival so they can stop the atrocities happening in China!” Congress can’t even pass a damn budget, but good for you. With Vanderpump’s luck, her organizer will have her fly to Austin and give a speech on Congress Ave. Those speeches aren’t the best organized.
On her way out, she gives a very dramatic two cheek kiss to Rinna. “Learn something and move on.” In other words, don’t ever fuck with me again twinkie or I’ll snap you like a twig in a meat grinder.
Kyle feels bad that Rinna cried, but at least it’s out in the open now. If Kyle just let it build and build, she would have eventually have called Rinna an alcoholic and tried to beat the shit out of her in the back of a limo on national TV.
On the boat, Rinna announces that she needs a drink the most. LOL. It’s good for the memory. PK tells her that she’ll be alright. “Just stop taking advice from random strangers.” She follows the advice from this random stranger and walks away. “Damn it I did it again!”
She and Eileen go to the back of the boat for some alone time. Rinna says “I feel hungover. Emotionally, I mean.” Eileen nods in her sunhat. “Yes. That’s what happens. Emotions get to you and you try to hide them and not let yourself feel them but…” Rinna interrupts, not listening. “Where did it come from? I feel unheard. I don’t get it. What’d I do? What’d I say?” Eileen tries again. “For example, when my mother passed aw…” “Did I say those things? Could I have? I mean Kim Richards is near death? How could I not remember that?”
Eileen: I’m allowing myself to cr…
Rinna: Vanderpump was so happy. She had an orgasm. She just wants to bring Lisa Rinna down to Chinatown like in that movie with Jack Nicholson…
Eileen: Why do I want to cry? I don’t know. I’m just gonna do it.
Rinna: Well great Vanderpump. Glad you’re happy! Guess what? I’m not crying!
Eileen: I’m crying.
Rinna: I’m never crying again!
Eileen: Ugh. Never mind. I’m gonna eat.
She leaves. In the front of the boat, PK is annoyed that Rinna and Eileen are off having private time. Erika rolls her eyes at him. “They’re close. I don’t give a fuck.” It’s either sit with him or go to the back and watch Rinna work herself up into a frenzy. PK has taken his shirt off, so she chooses B.
PK and Dorit follow.
Rinna: It’s like I told my kid, Eileen. Wait. Eileen. Where’d you go? Eileen! Was Eileen here or did I imagine that? Did I just forget Eileen? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
Erika asks her if she’s ok and she’s all “I’m GREAT! Like Tony the Lion. Amazing. I love life! I’m living in the now! RIGHT NOW! Hey what time is it I don’t need a watch to tell me cuz it’s NOW O’CLOCK BABY!”
PK pats her on the head. “You recover well.”
Rinna stares at him. “Thanks, PK. How nice of you. PK is so nice! What a gentle spirit! Ten stars!”
Erika can’t take any more. “Let’s swim. I’m really good at it. Everyone says so.”
Dorit: But what about the shahks?!
Erika laughs. “Sharks? You’re married to a whale. He can take them.” Rinna laughs. “I’m more worried about the women than the sharks! Bring on the sharks! Then we’d all be close to death and no one would get mad at me for saying it even if I couldn’t remember it.”
The girls (and PK) take turns screaming and jumping off the boat. Dorit won’t do it. Kyle holds up a taco. “Hey I’m with ya, Dorit. Why waste a good taco?” She clinks the air. PK yells from the ocean “If you jump, Dorit, I’ll buy you a Birkin!” She does it. What’s one more bag added onto a fifteen million dollar bankruptcy?
Lunch is served on the boat. Rinna says that if they play Pankillr, she’ll dance on the table. They do. Dorit is horrified. Rinna went from slut shaming Erika in her first season to celebrating her in the next. It’s quite beautiful, really. She’s even learned the moves. LOL. Kyle shouts “After that? All is forgiven!” Everyone hugs and we’re out.
Rinna totally blabbed about Kim and Kyle, used the Dorit defense, and ended the episode with everyone cheering her. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with the idiotic PK on anything, but when he said “You recover well,” he was right on the money BABY.