TrashTalkCeleb: Taylor Swift, Kim Cattrall & Sarah Jessica Parker, Bradley Cooper, Kylie Jenner, the Obamas
Jezebel – Taylor Swift Songs are the New Russian Pee Tape
You may be wondering how Taylor Swift, formerly known as the flying horse Starlight before she escaped the tyrannical clutches of Rainbow Brite, keeps her powerfully influential ballads a secret from the public. Well imaginative Weasley brother Ed Sheeran (who recently worked with Swift on “End Game,” which I have never heard) gave a series of interviews recently and said that Swift, that crafty, sneaky genius she is, sends her unreleased tracks to those very important people who need to review it on an iPad, kept in a locked briefcase, and then flown swiftly (ha) back to her. Even her backup dancers (Taylor Swift has backup dancers?) are kept in the dark: during video shoots, they’re given ear buds and dance to the beat of a “click track.” I guess all this secrecy is important, since Taylor Swift songs are widely revered more highly than The White Album. Taylor Swift songs put “Stairway to Heaven” to shame. Taylor Swift songs look at Bob Dylan’s entire ouvre and gobble it up, wash it down with a glass of liquid gold, and shit it out as even better Taylor Swift songs. So yeah, I get the high risk involved with sharing them.
Hollywood Life – Is It Wrong to Masturbate to This Trainwreck?
I don’t care. This is getting me HOT.
To give you some context, if you haven’t been following what is quite possibly the Betty & Joan feud of the new millennium, Kim Cattrall’s brother died recently. Sarah Jessica Parker, someone who is Kim’s former (pushy) coworker and (not) friend, reached out in response to offer some sympathy. But because Sarah Jessica Parker is much like the character she played on Sex and the City, she is a BAD. FRIEND. And none of her fake bullshit means anything to
Samantha Kim, who just wants to sit in her apartment, washing her sorrows away with hot men and cold drinks. You hear me, Carrie? Stop asking for more. Why do you keep asking for more more more? You have it all, we get it, but that’s all you have. Be happy in your palace on Fifth, where you totter around in ugly expensive shoes and bitch to your wildly rich husband because he has the gall to want more of your time. Your gifts have run out. And you will not milk anymore Sex and the City movies sympathy from us.
By the way, per Hollywood Life: “a Sex and the City insider EXCLUSIVELY told HollywoodLife.com… Sarah does plan on clapping back.” Good god, I am so disappointed in both that insider and HollywoodLife.com.
Page Six – Bradley Cooper Looks Different or Something
Has he gotten some work done?
People – It’s Her
There she is! Where has she been? What did she do? What does the car smell like? The public has questions for local mom exiting car in Los Angeles. Will she answer them? I don’t know! All I know is IT’S HER. What is her name? Who can never be sure?
A mystery the world will never solve
TMZ – Maybe it Works if You Squint Really Hard
Barack and Michelle Obama, the ones who got away (we miss you. we know what we did was wrong. but baby we’re lost. please come home.), were at the Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery this morning for the unveiling of their portraits by renowned artist Kehinde Wiley. And it went pretty good! I mean, mostly. For the most part it went good. I mean, Barack did take his dad jokes too far, letting them slip into the creepy territory when he thanked Wiley for capturing the “hotness” of his wife.
But hang on a second. Did Wiley capture… anything… about Michelle?
Like. Don’t get me wrong. Michelle is hot. And the lady in this painting is hot, even if she looks like she was hastily drawn into the “Take On Me” music video. But are Michelle and Painting Lady the same hot person? My vote is “no.” Also, considering how well Wiley did Barack’s portrait…
… this one for Michelle feels a little phoned-in. And Kehinde’s a great artist! (seriously, check out his work) But I mean, come on dude. This is MICHELLE. MOTHERFUCKING. OBAMA. Would you do this to Oprah? No, and you wouldn’t do it to Michelle.
At least it’s not as bad as Kate Middleton’s portrait. At least he didn’t paint her as a decrepit female corpse, whispering haunting incantations from an old box buried deep in the forests of Bavaria. So thanks at least for that.
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