Two weeks ago we were left with a cliffhanger: would Cynthia find out that Will was only dating her for her eyewear discount? I know it’s been tough but we got the answer: definitely. At the end of the party, Porsha says that he’s dating another woman and is only with Cynthia because he’s an opportunist. I don’t think I’ve ever used the word opportunist more than twice in my life before this cast learned it and began beating it to death four years ago.
Kim is annoyed and thinks that Cynthia should do what her heart tells her. After all, Kim ignored everyone, married a barely legal NFL player and now she has a permanent designated driver!
Will and Cynthia ride home. He says that he’s not an opportunist because he’s not getting anything from being with her. He rhetorically asks if he’s going to get a Ferrari or Rogaine. Then he says that he already has a house and a thee-ay-ter room so he can watch Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo all he wants. He starts being all manipulative saying “I’m learning how to be with you and this is what I get…what have I signed up for?” A reality show that’s known for killing marriages and credit scores. It’s not that deep Will.
Porsha and Momma Joyce meet the next day per the latter’s request. Porsha orders brussel sprouts because the only thing better than being yelled at is being yelled at while you’re scrambling for Gas-X.
Joyce says she would’ve owned Porsha’s Rolls Royce had she pulled that drug and rape stunt with her. That’s what it would take? Sheree would shakedown a Walmart for a Rolls Royce after buying an ill-fitting sweatsuit that cut off her cankle circulation. Porsha says she only believed the story because an attorney told her and attorneys are almost like lawyers.
She must’ve said all the right words because Momma Joyce is madder at Phaedra Parks Mess-quire for introducing Kandi to Todd. How is this woman still saying these things?! To her credit, Porsha tries to clean it up and says it’s a good thing because now they’re married with a baby. Joyce doesn’t wanna be saved and says Kandi took lemons and made a short, big headed glass of lemonade.
Joyce says Porsha’s a ride or die chick, she’s loyal to a fault. She advises her to be honest with Kandi and tell her what she knew. In other words, throw Phaedra so far under the bus, she’ll be lucky to grab a seat on the caboose of the Underground Railroad.
Cynthia and NeNe have a semi-tense lunch on account of NeNe’s “friend” Eva jeopardizing Cynthia’s booty call.
NeNe just wants her to be aware of what’s going on and mentions that Peter was looking better than Will. NeNe also thinks that Cynthia likes guys that are a little rough anyway. I’d agree. No one will ever be able to tear up her FICO score the way Peter did. Cynthia is putting Will on an opportunity hiatus and is going out in search of international peen. She’s arranged a trip to Barcelona that will be paid for by Groupon and Airbnb. Did Kim’s wigs use up that much of this season’s budget? NeNe isn’t sure about this coupon based trip but she is sure about her love of bread because she’s chomping her way through the basket like there’s a plastic surgeon at the end of it.
NeNe isn’t crazy about Kim going because she either wants to bring Kroy or she makes excuses for not going. By the way, you can tell that they filmed this out of sequence by Cynthia’s lack of braids. Word on the street is that Kim and Kenya didn’t go on the trip at the last minute and the cast had to reshoot some stuff. Either way, Kim has a new excuse to add to the list courtesy of NeNe: Kroy’s butt implants are leaking. That’s so silly. It’s probably just Kroy’s NFL pension being bled from him by Kim’s weekly pallet delivery of Virginia Slims.
Kenya is at the doctor with cousin Che. Che looks…different. Kenya tried to say that she’s just tan from vacation but she had on a horrible wig which people tend to do when they want to distract from something. Che wants to know why she was drawn out of recovery to film this and Kenya says it’s because she’s six weeks late. Not on her taxes, that was six months, but her period. Marc always says to her that it was a miracle she found him on the clearance rack so another miracle, in the form of a baby, could be on deck. She passed on Barcelona because the last two trips have been negative. Hopefully the pregnancy test won’t be. Marc texts her and says that he’s her strength in the storm and all she has to do is be worth it which she has been, especially recently. What does that even mean? Was she worth a light drizzle but since she bought him that Shake Weight, she’s worth a category 5?
Her doctor’s name is Dr. Thrasher. I don’t know if I want a thrasher down there. She should change her name to Dr. Warmhands or Dr. Nocopay – something more comforting. The doctor is at an emergency call but phones in to say that the test is inconclusive. The blood test is pending and will give her more info. It’s a little sad.
Porsha is having a vegan “No Beef” dinner and invited everyone. Unfortunately for her, the ones who hate her won’t actually be in attendance.
Cynthia and Peter meet for lunch because she’s bothered that he avoided her at the party. He avoided her because it’s uncomfortable to see another guy with her wallet. He seems insecure and calls Will her type – a model. Cynthia counters that she married Peter and he’s not even close to being a model. She fills him in on the “opportunist ” allegations and he says they may just be looking out for her. Then she eats half a pound of sushi because she’s sad. Also, the seaweed covers up her 50 Scent.
It’s time for Porsha’s party and Marlo arrives first. She calls the welcome mat too small, asks if the doorbell works and then wonders why Porsha has the living room draped in white curtains like the set of every sexy Boyz II Men video made from 1992-1997. Did I mention that she’s saying all of this to herself? She finally lets herself in because Porsha’s house is such a mess that the door isn’t locked. A home invasion would probably improve her property value once they steal all of her wigs, Hennessy and semen stained cocktail dresses.
Kim arrives with her red solo cup and a half empty bottle. She also peeks in, sees the white curtains draped around and wonders why there aren’t any eyeholes in them. I kid. The theme of the party is boho chic so Marlo shows up with the chicest of roadkill on her arm. Sheree, daily-wearer of activewear, questions the class of her wardrobe decision. The girls take shots and smoke hookah which Sheree likens to frat party activities as if she’s been to college for anything other than plotting on draft picks. Marlo can’t stand hookah and begins to cough. You’d think she’d be used to white mist going down her throat at this point. Allegedly.
The women begin to talk about Cynthia and Will – but then Cynthia arrives – and they still talk about it. At least they’re really phony and welcome her with open arms. Cynthia explains that she was caught off guard by Peter being at the party and then hearing all of the Will rumors immediately afterwards. The Bailey Agency of Dating Divorceès hasn’t taught her what to do when stuck between a Peter and a Willie. Marlo would have handled it like a pro. Allegedly.
The women go inside to eat their pureed soy and veggies and Porsha requests that they not mess up the dinnerware because it has to go back tomorrow. Sheree can’t believe that she’d send $19.95 plates back; she’s squatted in entire houses worth way more than that. Since none of the other real cast members are there, the women are still focused on Cynthia. She tells them about lunch with Peter and Kim announces that because she’s intuitive she knows that Cynthia loves Peter but knows who he is. She also tells us that Cynthia drinks water and knows that it’s wet. It’s a real talent.
While all of this is going on, Marlo burps. Loudly. And then she blames Cynthia because the burp probably smelled like salami and we all know that Cynthia stinks. Cynthia nearly goes into a panic to prove that she wasn’t the belcher and Marlo finally cops to it. Even she was tired of hearing about Peter Cottonbeard. Marlo interrupts to bang on Porsha’s African purchased china with a soon to be returned Sur La Table fork. Porsha takes exception to the assumption that an African bought her flatware. Breasts, yes. Forks, absolutely not.
The women are discussing the trip and Marlo asks if Kim can take a trip with the African American girls and without Kroy? Kim doesn’t understand why she can’t bring him with her. She had a stroke and Dr. Kroy, Medicine Man knows what signs to look for if she gets sick. Cynthia doesn’t care if he comes or not. She’s more concerned with the thought that Will could be burning up their friends with benefits contract as they speak.
The trip is near and NeNe is in her closet packing. Gregg opens wine for her, spills it on his finest Haband Big & Tall shirt and uses a throw pillow to absorb it. Kandi tries to pack Ace but she can’t fit all of that adorable in one suitcase. On the way to the airport, Porsha counts all the way up to six! You read that right. Sheree has six bags and we all hope there’s more than sweatsuits and Tyrone’s dirty money in there. Cynthia has on hat that looks like a pin cushion from a Joann Fabrics “Hats Your Cats Will Love” workshop.
NeNe tells Cynthia that Kim isn’t coming because Kroy is getting butt implants and Cynthia shares that Kenya is staying behind to get her uterus implanted by Marky Marc. Kandi calls in because she’s running late after her mandatory pre-trip stop to Chick-Fil-A and says that since Kim never wants to follow the rules, she shouldn’t hang out with them. In Sheree and Porsha’s car, they talk to Kim who doesn’t see the big deal about Kroy. Word on the street is, they had to say these things because Kenya refused to travel with Kim so production cancelled Kim. Kenya was all ready to go but discovered that Marlo was going and she refused to take the trip. I blame everyone and no one. Hopefully the trip is decent.
Next week, Kim finally puts out the the roach video. Kandi seems to be protesting against some kind of physical activity, per usual, and Cynthia uses the “getting to know her” line on Porsha. It’s kinda becoming her go to vacation insult. What’d you think? Should Kroy be the only man allowed on trips? Is Ace the cutest baby on the planet? Is Momma Joyce certifiable? Love you for reading and commenting!
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