VPR Recap: Call Me Jason, Honey
Howdy Trashmii! Last week, Jax changed enough to please Sherri, and James addressed a rumour for Tiffany and KFC about his seksuality. Let’s hear it for the Cartwrights, a veritable gift from Winchester, KY to the world. Ready for some more VPR? Okay let’s go!
As we open, Lisa is taking over as Editor in Chief of a magazine called Beverly Hills Lifestyle, and wants James and Stassi’s help throwing an event in honor of her new position. She says she wants this evening to go without a hitch. Stassi assures her it will be perfect, but James would have to double up on gigs with See You Next Tuesday. Lisa says, “There are other DJs in this town,” but James assures her he’s down for both. Stassi says, “Don’t you worry, let me worry.”
“Now that worries me,” says Lisa.
“In a Beverly Hills lifestyle sort of way”
When Lisa leaves, Stassi tells James he can bring his boyfriend. James rolls his eyes and says he doesn’t have a boyfriend. Stassi asks, “What does Raquel say?” and James says she’s pissed.
“So your boyfriend won’t be coming tomorrow,” cracks Stassi.
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Now the Toms and Katie go to a men’s clothing store, to outfit the triplets with some fine new duds. Sandy’s really excited at the opportunity to do a more extensive makeover on the triplets. We flash back to the day he got them up for the surprise reveal at the Twenty Mile House.
”Voilà! Now for the hairspray, and maybe a little lipstick”
So it turns out Schwa hasn’t had the triplets over yet, because Katie was hesitant to have them stay over, but now Katie’s so cool, she’s totally down for pretending it’s okay. Schwa says she’s gone from being Tequila Katie to Chamomile Tea Katie. He sees a tiny little suit, and wants to have a baby.
“I’d stop kissing randos for that, Bubba”
Mission accomplished! Brandon, Billy and Burt are all set up. “Go triplets!” they cheer on three.
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Billie Lee is doing Stassi’s podcast, Straight Up with Stassi. But first, she tells Stassi she got an earful from Ariana (with Lala and Scheana on backup) about Stassi being a closed-minded bigot that Billie should fear. We see Ariana saying hopefully Billie will school Stassi’s ass on her privilege, because she prides herself on being ignorant. Oh wow. So apparently, Stassi did a podcast on the 2017 Academy Awards ceremony where she bitched about the Black Lives Matter speeches in a totally bitchy way, then got piled on by a bunch of people who have nothing better to do than listen to Stassi’s dumb podcasts and police her thoughts.
Speaking of d*cks, how big a dick is Ariana? It boggles the mind. But we must make an effort to be tolerant of “those people”, as it turns out they’re a type of modern homo sapiens, too.
Stassi invites Billie to listen to that podcast and discuss it. Then she cries and peals off her fake lashes, causing Billie to cluck “there, there”, and light some palo santo, which she waves around therapeutically, aaaaand — it’s air time!
”Suck a d*ck, Ariana, Billie’s mine”
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Over at Katie and Tom’s, Gordo and Butter helpfully bounce around while Katie sets up the inflatable beds.
“Pourquoi?”
Sandy and Jax arrive, and Sandy lays out the triplets’ new wardrobe. He says if he can teach the triplets one thing about fashion, it’s to create a strong foundation, then express their personality by rotating jackets, shoes and purses.
So there was an electrical fire at SUR the night before, and Jeremy heroically kept it at bay with a fire extinguisher until the fire department got there. (Suspiciously, Ariana was “somewhere else” at the time.) In comes Schwa with the triplets. Sandy’s so excited! He remembers when he first met Schwartz, the darling bumpkin hadn’t had a haircut in three months, and didn’t have any clothes either, but under Sandy’s tutelage, he became the stud that he is today.
“20,000 pairs of sweatpants and one suit — you’re on your way, kid!”
The triplets say they don’t want to go back to Yulee, so Schwa asks Katie if it would be okay for them to move in. Katie has a suitably cool response, then interviews she sure as hell doesn’t want their place smelling like socks and farts.
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Lisa arrives at SUR to inspect the damage. The whole electric box is melted and charred. She’ll still have the meeting, but they’ll have to close for the day. Stassi arrives, and tells Lisa she’s getting pushback from Ariana, who refuses to bartend for the Lifestyle party.
“I’d rather torch SUR, bitch”
Lisa says Stassi just needs to just lay down the law with those slackers, and she’s reminded of Stassi pulling this same shit with her a number of times. Stassi starts to cry, and tells Lisa about Ariana’s accusations. Lisa interviews that she’s seen a lot of negative BS from Stassi (hence the promotion), but she’s never seen bigotry, nor would she have tolerated it for a minute.
It’s time for the meeting! As they file out, Lisa says, “If I’m yelling at anybody, can you just try not to lick your chops?”
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Lisa kicks off the meeting with a promise to James that they’ll open one side of SUR for his gig. Now she brings up the planning for the Lifestyle party. “From what I’ve heard, it’s been a little problematic,” she says. Ariana just sits there smirking in a hospital johnny.
“Psst, Lalz — what’s up with Ariana’s hospital johnny?”
Just when Ariana is sure she’s destroyed her arch nemesis, Lisa forces Ariana to be at her party — snap! Lisa interviews that Stassi and Ariana clash because they’re both queen bees, but if they could combine forces, there’d be an abundance of honey for teatime throughout the kingdom. She tells the gang that Stassi speaks for her, adding, “When Stassi says something, can you all say, ‘Yes, Miss Schroeder’?”
“Rats, foiled again” II “Nanny nanny boo boo”
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Stassi’s crew is setting up for the party. Ariana arrives, and finds out she’s going to be making batched big pinkies with no bar kit or nothing, “So thank you, Stassi, for NOT planning this event,” she interviews. What, is Stassi supposed to tell her to bring her bar kit?
When Lisa arrives, Jax is nowhere to be found. Stassi says they’ve tried calling him, but he won’t answer. Lisa interviews that she’s put up with a lot of crap from Jax, but he’s never been rude to her (unless you count the stealing, and the bathroom sex). She grabs Maxie and asks him to get behind the bar. Just then, KFC shows up late, and Stassi asks after her boyfriend Satan.
Inside, Lisa bitches to Maxie about Jax, while Kevin Lee admires her.
“Isn’t she shi-shi-shi?”
Brit-Brit comes in and says Jax is getting a haircut, and Lisa says, “Tell Jax to f* off when he shows up.” Now Billie lets Lala know the podcast was fine; Stassi didn’t need schooling after all, just a whiff of smoldering palo santo. Lala quickly walks things back, interviewing she doesn’t think Stassi’s an ignorant person, she just doesn’t always think before she speaks. Gee, thanks for the valuable lesson in thoughtful speaking, Miss “Summer Bodies”.
When Jax finally shows up, Lisa stops him at the door, calls him a selfish, ungrateful asshole, and boots him the hell out. Jax apologetically interviews, “It’s a bunch of rich people coming for free drinks, I think it’ll be okay.”
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Jax winds up at SUR with the Toms and the triplets, and tells them he got kicked out for being a half hour late. The triplets ask if he’s in trouble, and Schwa says he’s always in trouble. Jax interviews, “Tell me, what I’ve done differently than the rest of my friends. They’ve all cheated, they’ve all lied, they’ve all slept with each other, they’ve all been late to work, they’ve all ‘fighted’ with each other, Please tell me. Tell me.”
Then he chips his tooth on a bottle of beer.
Poor dear, maybe Ariana can assign someone to school his clueless ass.
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Back at the party, Lisa makes her speech under the watchful gaze of Giggy. Sadly, the Editor in Chief of BHLM died just two weeks prior, and Lisa’s honored to take his place at the helm, beside his grieving widow and son, who are in need of a little glamour-puss help. Sean “Puffy” Harrison is nowhere to be seen.
“I hear the little puffball’s getting a haircut”
Now Katie approaches, and tells Lisa that Kevin Lee just fat-shamed her. Apparently he went on about it, too, saying, “What happened to you? I was shocked when I saw you,” and, “You gained a lot of weight, you have to work on it. Seriously, I’m telling you as a friend, it’s out of control now.” Lisa is stunned. She says she’s in agreement with Christian and Guillermo from the kitchen — Katie is the most beautiful girl in the restaurant.
At this point, we learn the origin of Katie’s mysterious scar on her chin. A little less than eight years ago, Katie fell through a skylight, then 25 feet down a flight of stairs. We see her in a video with her jaw wired shut and several teeth missing. “Everything’s been put into perspective,” she says, “When you cheat death, you can’t help but look at things differently.”
*** VPR Smashmouth Prize, Season 6 ***
Katie interviews that she opted not to surgically erase the scar, because that would erase a monumental moment in her life. She likes her scar, and thinks it gives her character, and she also considers it a badge of honor. Totes badass, I must say.
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Back at the Lifestyle party, James tells Stassi she’s killin’ it, then takes off on foot to SUR, carrying his sweet DJ toy on his back. Along the way, he hustles and invites everyone he passes to the gig, because thanks to Lisa, he gets a cut of the bar (in honour of having been a drunken asshole in days of yore).
At SUR, a triplet asks if they’re allowed to request songs. James says they are, because they’re VIPs. Katie sits down with Kristen, Stassi and KFC, and tells them Kevin Lee fat-shamed her. And it was especially awful because Katie had gone to the gym with KFC the night before, to try to work off some of that lard before the event. They are all incensed — even Stassi waits patiently to jump in and make it all about her. They all agree that Kevin Lee and his ilk must hate themselves.
Now — finally — Stassi shares the whole Billie podcast thing, and Ariana’s insinuation that she’s a bigot. Kristen says none of them are like that, God.
At the next table, Jax comes up to Ariana to apologize for the no-show, and hears Kristen talking sh*t about him with KFC. He shouts, “Kristen is the fakest bitch there is! I hate Doute.” Kristen hilariously interviews, “Everything is always MY fault. I’m like this lightning rod for Jax’s hatred,” like she didn’t just fly two people into town just to blow up Jax’s life.
Jax asks Scheana if he got involved in her marital problems. She says, “You made some comments,” and we flash back to Jax telling Lisa he has milk with a longer shelf life than her ludicrous sham of a marriage. Up comes KFC, to rake him over the coals for bashing one of her best friends, and says Jax is supposed to be changing right now, like it’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or something.
Scheana says, “Jax, you’re almost 40, your heart can’t take this kind of anger.” Ariana busts out her well-schooled comedy chops, and humorously cracks that he’s going to pop his blood pressure medication. Haha, good one!
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Over at Tom and Katie’s, Sandy comes in with an ironing board, and asks how the party went. Katie has this Wizard of Oz moment where she tells the boys she was fat-shamed, and they gather around to comfort her, and help her get back to Kansas. Katie says she’s not going to worry about it, clicks her heels three times, and takes off.
It’s time for the makeover! The triplets get their hair cut by a pack of traveling hair stylists, then they peacock and get suited up, and we learn that the last few days have been the best of their lives. Here’s hoping they get kicked out of Yulee for lookin’ so dang purty.
Go triplets!
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Now Jax hits The Den Meditation for a little rakey healing. First, Kelsey checks in, while leaning all over him. She says the last time she saw him, he was open, which was amazing. She asks what’s happening for him now, and he says he just went ape-shit.
“What’s here,” she asks, putting her hand on his chest, “that’s making you so f*ing pissed?” He says he doesn’t know, but it’s definitely not that handful of roids he pops each morning. He interviews that he’s not just going to one therapist, he’s going to two. Now we get a little clip of him freaking out his other therapist, Lindsay, with an admission that he barges through life hopped up on roids and wondering what he can get away with.
“Wow”
He says Kelsey sees good in him, down deep (that’s what she said), and that means a lot to him.
Now they do some tapping. Kelsey says, “Repeat after me: I have all this anger… so I burst out… and I hurt people… Who’s gonna own this anger?… I won’t let it be me.” Then they take a deep breath, and she asks, “What was the first fucked up mistake you made that started the path of destruction?” He says probably getting into the acting and modeling business, which is this yucky scene where you’re 90% rejected and 10% used as a prop (and 1,000,000% sleeping with your gay roomie manager).
She makes him own his choices to use his looks and his “whatever it is” (if you know what she means), so he reluctantly goes ahead and owns it. “You can learn Jax better,” she says. Jax thinks for a moment, then says, “You can call me Jason. That’s my real name.”
Kelsey seems a little too thrilled about this “call me Jason” business, and gushes that she can’t wait to get to “know” Jason better (*wink, wink*). Jax explains in interview about the pressure he was under as a young pretty person to try to get people to like him. He says he’d like to get to know that guy better, then chokes up, and we are transported to a more innocent time, before Jax used his looks and “whatever” to get stuff — truly a touching moment.
Kelsey calls him Jason, and asks, “Does that feel authentic and true for you?” Yes it does, says Jason, at which point Kelsey lunges into his arms, saying, “I have faith in you, honey.” Faith, the magic word. And now we’re on to ‘honey’, well that was quick.
This rakey business may have a longer shelf life than Jax & Brit
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Next on VPR, Lisa doesn’t want Jax anywhere near her, and Stassi and Ariana throw dueling birthday bashes.
Till then, Trashies!
xoxo
~AS
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