Alright everyone – who’s ready to watch like 75 hours of Big Brother a week, not counting live feeds? If you didn’t raise your hand or scream “ME!”, it’s okay – that’s what we’re here for. But it’s not just any Big Brother, it’s Celebrity Big Brother for the first time in the US!
Although Gary Busey has been haunting UK Celebrity Big Brother for decades
Celebrity Big Brother means a fancier house, a bed for each player, and unlimited booze. It’s immediately clear from Julie’s outfit that this is a much classier game.
Only the finest sleeping bag will do
Once Julie breaks down how many hundreds of cameras and microphones there are in the house, it’s time to meet our eleven “celebrities”! We already touched on the houseguests in the Cast Takedown, but there is plenty of new info tonight (in varying degrees of sadness).
Mark McGrath, self proclaimed rock star and “legend in my own mind” has been working on new Sugar Ray songs, raising twins, and apparently telling his plastic surgeon he’s going for a Grandma look. In a livestream chat last night, a friend coined the portmanteau “Grandmark”, and that is all I will be referring to him as in the future.
Click here to watch a young Grandmark struggle to not punch a kid for calling him “Sugar Gay”!
If Mark McGrath is turning into a Grandma, Brandi Glanville is morphing into Lisa Rinna – her lips are out of control and she’s all about the hustle, baby! But seriously, something is wrong with her lips, they are…askew.
Brandi thinks she will win because she’s a desperate middle aged woman who needs to pay $30,000 a year for each of her kids’ private school, and if that’s not a worthy cause I don’t know what is!
Metta World Peace seems like a real sweetie – despite the fact that his other options for a name change were “So Hood” and “Mr. Ghetto”, but I’m still holding out hope he’s going to get into some brawls Malice at the Palace style. He admits he knows nothing about Big Brother but is excited for the journey.
Good luck Mr. Peace
Okay, so maybe there isn’t new information about EVERYONE. Araidna Gutierrez is a snooze – pretty, but a snooze. On to my current favorite, Ross Matthews.
It’s true – I want his skin care regimen. Regime? Regimen. You know what I mean.
Ross is a superfan who plans to nudge and string-pull his way to victory and I am here for it.
Our first five celebrities meet on stage for the first time, and Grandmark cannot contain his glee at seeing Metta World Peace.
You’re doing great
Julie shoves everyone through the doors where they proceed to stake out beds – Metta’s is too small, and he’s also surprised by the bathroom cameras.
Maybe you should’ve watched like, ANY Big Brother before signing up for the show? No?
Staying true to herself, Brandi lays claim to the bar and production decides to add a giant “GULP” sound to the mix whenever she takes a sip.
Too much mouth sounds, no thank you.
Okay, on to the rest of the cast!
Shannon Elizabeth is an actual witch because she looks pretty much the same as she did in American Pie.
WITCH! BURN HER!
Perhaps her eternal youth is due to good deeds and not because of a deal with devil; she’s been in South Africa for the past year working with her anti-poaching charity. So she’s nice and beautiful AND a poker player oh AND ALSO a ultra-super Big Brother fan? Like, I want her to win but are we sure she’s a real person?
Next up: the reason my boyfriend isn’t complaining about watching the show (little does he know it’s on 5 days a week – sucker!), Chuck Liddell. Much like Ariadne Gutierrez, no new info except that he plans to win.
Keshia Knight Pulliam’s fun new fact is that she has a line of spices. I would say I’ll try to call her “Keshia” and not Rudy, but we both know I’d be lying.
Next up, Marissa Jaret Winokur discusses her past successes, but there’s only room for one Tracy Turnblad in my heart, and it ain’t her.
Don’t come for my Ricki Lake, now
Marissa tells her superfan son about her casting via cake; it’s probably cute to an actual human with feelings, but I’ve been drinking and am a little surly so I just said “oh quit crying” out loud to the television.
Like a normal person
Now we come to James Maslow, of Nickelodeon fame.
“My strategy to win is to win!”
His name will not stay in my mind for any period of time, so just expect me to refer to James Notmarsden as Big Time Rush.
Great. Omarosa is here. Politics taught her to watch her back, front, and wear impractical ball gowns at all times. Yay.
The second group of celebs gets herded through the doors, and then it’s finally game on! Ross Matthews is all of us, in that he’s not psyched to see Omarosa, and Grandmark is bowled over by sportsdudes again upon seeing Chuck Liddell.
As everyone stakes out their beds, the first “expect the unexpected” twist is revealed – Shannon and Marissa know each other outside of the house.
What a twist!
Omarosa makes small talk with James Marshawnlynch, by telling him she was on The Apprentice; he proceeds to shade her SO HARD by asking “who was the person you were apprenticing for?”.
More like Big Time Douche, amiright
Bottles get to popping, Omarosa leads everyone in a toast (oh no, now you’re all cursed!), then somehow they get on the topic of music and singing. Brandi is already slurring drunk and wants to hear from Grandmark, and whenever James Blanderbeek tries to interject she shuts him down. We have our first house enemies! Brandi doesn’t like “pretty boy”, and Big Time Rush thinks Brandi is a lush who can’t control her liquor.
I mean, he’s not wrong
As Brandi and James (you know the one) are tiffing, Omarosa is getting her claws into Shannon.
Wow, you held on to that secret for like…10 minutes
A furtive women’s alliance is born between them, with I guess Marissa unwittingly added to the mix. Moving to a next room, they recruit Ariadna.
Strong like bull
The alliance is solidified in the awkwardest of fashions, with Marissa’s “yeah! Time’s Up – it’s the year of women!”
I’m not sure that applies here
Enough small talk – it’s time for the first HOH competition! I’m not going to lie, I actually forgot about the comps part of the show for a sec.
I missed that lil squirrel
Everyone has to dress in tuxes for the competition, which has an award show theme – and before they begin playing, Julie has a surprise “award” to give out. That’s right, one player will not compete because they’ll win a week of immunity. The winner is determined by a “””randomly””’ selected number. Huh. I wonder what player CBS is banking on being a big draw that everyone else would probably want out of the game ASAP? It sure would be convenient if that person won immunity.
Wouldn’t it though.
Oh CBS. Never change (except for please please change).
On to the competition – Award Squeezin’! Players must cling to a giant trophy the longest, presumably while being sprayed or spattered with something since they all put on safety goggles. Early on, Marissa is struggling while James Madhatter does an excellent spider monkey impression.
More like Big Time Clutch, amiright
The statues rise in the air and start swaying gently to and fro, while Shannon Elizabeth tells us in voiceover that the “Girls” really need to beat the “Boys” which is a generous, if not limit stretching, use of both those words. Grandmark pushes his safety spectacles up on the bridge of his nose as Metta World Peace starts chanting “glute power”.
Using that in my next lower body workout
Suddenly, music begins to play as Julie mentions that the competition is missing something…like a song and dance number. My stomach drops to my feet and then all the way out onto the floor as a familiar face bursts through the dancers that suddenly appear.
This can’t be happening.
That’s right – Paul is here! Grandmark is, as ever, star struck to be in the presence of such Big Brother royalty. But it’s not just Paul, there’s more!
Chuck Liddell overtakes Ross Matthews for the lead in my heart as he says “I don’t know who these people are or what they’re doing out there, but I’ve had enough of the singing already. I tap! I’ll do whatever it takes to get this guy off the stage”.
Paul’s singing claims its first victim as Marissa slips from her statue and flops to the floor. No one else drops though, so a mist of some kind starts spraying them as Metta continues talking about glutes then promptly slips off.
Not content to simply hang onto the statue, Brandi twerks it then goes on a stream-of-consciousness ramble about what she would do for money, and maybe she’ll just start hooking on the side.
I wonder if her kids watch the show?
Next, the statues start spinning, then glitter pours on everyone as Grandmark gets introspective.
Then he falls off.
Ross is down next, leaving just Chuck, Shannon, Ariadna, Brandi, Keshia, and James Marshmallow. Strike that, Chuck is down. Realizing he’s the last man standing, James starts thinking about making a deal. By the time it’s down to just him and Shannon, James Maidinmanhattan’s foot starts to slip so he NEEDS to make a deal. Unfortunately for him, Omarosa is there and points out that he’s, well, not really in a place to make deals.
Don’t think you can make me like you, Omarosa – it’s not happening.
With his attempted deal DOA, poor lil James’ heart – and body – can’t take anymore, and he falls off, making Shannon the first HOH.
With great power, etc
Ross is first on the scene with clean towels and lots of flattery. As everyone heads back inside, they each grab a gift bag from a table. What’s in them? Well, I’d tell you, but we just cut to the 50th commercial break in this one hour episode of television, so you’ll have to wait.
Okay, wait’s over.
Grandmark is a chrome nightmare.
So, most of the giftbags contain general swag, but some of them contain a power to “recast” the household – which is the ability to overthrow the current HOH and take that role for yourself.
Oh my Gah
On hearing this news, Shannon Elizabeth looks very nervous and Grandmark looks TOO enthused.
Well – that actually flew by! Luckily for all of us, it’s back on tomorrow. And the next day. And Sunday! Oh, and there’re live feeds, which are mostly Brandi being a drunk mess at this point.