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Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, who cares? Kim walked down the stairs by herself. “Look guyz! Ahm doin’ it! Ahm doin’ it! Even movin’ my levt voot! Tage thad, Daniel Gay Looiz!”
We open with Kyle and Mauricio having a totally normal married couple talk plugging their businesses. Fuckin’ Kyle. Is this betch even making an effort any more? I can’t help but wonder how many requests she’s put in to producers demanding a 1-800 number at the bottom of the screen to order her shit while she’s on camera. Last week she had a party at some overextended rich person’s unfinished mall house that Mauri’s trying to sell. This week she’s planning a girls trip to Mauri’s new offices in Mexico to plug even more shit. But it’s so hard to leave the SITCOM!! Girl please. You’re no Reba.
I refuse to talk any more about this idiot’s solo scenes until she does something other than try and hawk crap on camera, but I have to hand it to her. She’s the best there is at getting camera time for her businesses. Kyle is on a roll. Or is a roll on Kyle?
For a moment I think we’re about to enter my personal Heaven, Ross Dress For Less, but it’s just Villa Rosa.
Schnooky, the Jan Brady of Lisa’s dogs, hides in the closet because it knows Lisa’s having yet another damn pound puppy delivered today.
Vanderpump makes a joke about Schnooky being under her skirt, cuz she’s in the middle of a season of “fucking the animals” jokes and she’s nothing if not consistent. She rolls around on the carpet to love the dog, and it’s hard seeing her in that giant closet without getting jealous that she has a flesh roomba keeping the floor roll aroundable. You pull that shit in my house and you’ll walk out of here a fire hazard.
My queen, Rocio, is standing in front of a wall of purses that each cost more than she did. She’s sad. Not because she could save her entire village if she sold two of those bags, but because Vanderpump is going on a trip and leaving her all alone in a mansion with nothing but tables and tables of jewelery and racks and racks of ballgowns to dress up in. Girl who are you kidding with that frown?
The evil black swans pop to attention when they sense their spirit animal approaching the bridge: Eden Sassoon Pilates Instructor.
Eden lets herself in, which disproves the theory that she’s a vampire. She walks into Lisa’s closet and shares the “I’m poor too, girl. I see you” look with Rocio. Lisa looks at her without a smile and says “I don’t know why you wanted to see me.” LOL. I understand her caution here. This is Hamster Brandi, and she’s the first woman who’s ever been in that closet without squealing and oohing and ahhing and pooping the floor. Something’s…off. “When she said she wanted to talk to me, my hair stood on end.” Hm. What made your hair stand in the triangular shape in the back all these seasons? I need answers.
I don’t get them. Instead, Lisa walks Eden out onto the balcony for some tea and fruit. That’s all Eden eats, too. I see a friendship forming here and I don’t like it. Eden tries to start off light, which is rare for her. She asks if Lisa had fun at the party the other…Lisa interrupts. “I hope you know why I threatened to shove a Loubitin so far up your ass it would push the Xanax out of your nostrils.”
Eden just stares at her blankly, used to older rich women threatening to sell her to a circus if she doesn’t stop using the f word at the dinner table. Eden says “I wanna go back to the beginning.” Oh shit. That could be right before she popped out of the womb, knowing this woman. If she starts talking about how the OBGYN who delivered her gave her NOTHING, I’m pressing the fast forward button.
Kyle is at her Forever Not 21 Anymore by Alene Mostly store pretending to do things. I know I promised not to write any more about Kyle while she blatantly hawks her terrible products, but I’m a liar.
Rinna comes in the store dropping fifty thousand Amazon Verified Purchase Reviews. “Kyle! Am I in hog heaven or is this a real life store? AMAZING! I was just here yesterday buying something for every season! The sparkle leopard caftan is gonna change my entire world BABY! Is that air conditioning I feel on my cheek or the mist from Heaven as it opens its gates to take me there happy cuz I COULD DIE HAPPY RIGHT NOW! And that party! I mean that GALA! That was fancier than the Met Opera and the Oscars combined!”
Kyle nods and holds a zebra print bra with rhinestones up where the camera can see it. Rinna gives a monologue about how delicate, classy and superbly built a swimsuit hanger is before turning her praise to Kim Twitchards. “I had a wonderful moment with Kim. What a lovely girl. Just great. We only said one sentence each to each other but it was like a tiny sentence hug I can snuggle up with in front of the fire. Wearing one of your Dalmation fur robes, of course. Those robes are ten stars, baby!”
Kyle holds a pair of upmarked Claire’s Boutique hoop earrings to the camera, so it’s hard to see what’s going on. She says she wishes that Eden could have a nice damn moment with someone. What’s up with that bitch? Maybe a two for one sale on pantyhose could help?
Cut back to Vanderpump’s. Eden has just gotten through year two of her childhood. “Dahling, get to the point. I don’t have enough years left to rummage through your spiritual garbage.” Eden tells her that her ENTIRE LIFE has been based on alcohol. Well it could have been worse. It could have been based on a true story.
Vanderpump cuts her off. “Of course Kyle’s going to be upset when you’re doubting Kim’s sobriety. It’s her only storyline. She can’t try to sell terrible clothes or homes in every episode, dahling” (she can. She’s a pioneer). “It’s KYLE’s job to question Kim’s sobriety and then cry for sympathy tweets. Do NOT get in the way of a woman’s sympathy tweets. “
Eden squeals that she didn’t question Twitch’s sobriety. “Never! I would NEVER do that! I gave that woman EVERYTHING! Have I told you I tried to take a journey with her down the mountainous spiritual path in Dorit’s foyer? I have people interested in the film rights.”
But if Eden isn’t questioning Kim’s sobriety, WHO IS?
Kyle asks Rinna where Eden’s hearing that Twitch is off the wagon. Why would anyone think Kim is drunk? She was sober at PK’s party. She didn’t complain about one dirty mirror or steal anyone’s crutches. Well give the woman a gold damn star. Rinna explains that Eden sees her dead sister whenever she sees Kim and keeps trying to press IGNORE on her but can’t bring herself to do it.
“Has she asked about Kim’s history? How does she even know so much about her?” We all know Eden is poor, and her not having a TV to watch the show on is plausible. Kyle, of course, knows that Rinna was talking shit, but Rinna sure as shit isn’t gonna admit it. Instead, she pulls a Dorit. “I have no idea what she knows. I don’t talk about it much. Maybe we can ask Boy George when we see him. He lives in my house BABY!”
At Villa Ross Dress For Less, Eden is telling Vanderpump about Rinna saying that Kim’s a smidge away from cremation. New Lisa Vanderpump Detective Theme music plays. Snap snap snap booooyaaaaaa! As if she’s just solved the biggest mystery of all time, she exclaims that Lisa Rinna did it in the library with a candlestick. “Lisa Rinna has a biiiiig mouth.”
Eden’s not done. She says that Rinna was the one who made her say all that stuff and then instead of standing (or kneeling, as it were) by her side, she was off peeing in the bushes pretending she had nothing to do with it. Oh good Lord. Rinna said Kim’s a drunk and Kyle’s an enabler. She didn’t tell you to build a career off it. Lisa smiles big. Finally, her chance for revenge is nigh. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Rinna says I told her to say it.” LOL
Back at the store, Rinna is telling Kyle that she may have no memory of ever having a conversation with Eden about anything ever, but she knows Eden is coming from a good place. I mean who doesn’t like the Valley?
Kyle squints her crossed eyes and says “If you keep coming from a good place, you’re gonna end up in a bad place.” Please tell me Kyle isn’t in charge of writing this TVLand show in any way.
Vanderpump is now smiling at Eden and thanking her for her revenge gift. Good pet. GOOD GUUUUUHL. She says she can be friends with Eden now that she knows she’s not crazy, just prone to MANIPULATION DAHLING. “Can I tell Kyle all of this?” Vanderpump is so polite in her bitchery. Eden wags her tail and says yes. “I love the path of truth. We’ll take a road trip down it together and embrace each other’s spirits the entire way.” Vanderpump gives her one of Schnooky’s bones and sends her on her way. “Shouldn’t we hug?”
PK and Dorit are having lunch at Chili’s. Sure, Dorit would like to shoot somewhere fancier so we start to believe that she has more than five dollars in her joint account, but when PK wants an Awesome Blossom with four or five sides of bleu cheese, there’s no stopping the man.
She carries both the kids on her sides. PK is on camera, so he asks if she wants help. You got her help. You have like 13 nannies. Where’s the lunch nanny? I told you. Poor. Dorit whines “They both want ME! I can’tah haylp eht!” Right now it’s a vacation, but when those kids realize they’re real mommies aren’t coming they’re gonna freak out.
PK looks at two year old Jagger like he doesn’t know wtf he’s supposed to do with him. “WOULD YA LIKE A CRAYON OLD CHAP?” Jagger squeaks and laughs as PK looks for an exit sign. Dorit tells him “Jagga’s at heez bahst when ya just lat hem baey!” Hi PK, meet your child. Milk Nanny emailed Dorit a wiki all about him this morning.
Dorit tells us what a STROGGAHL it is raising a hot baby who can’t communicate well. What is he thehnken? What ah hes drahms? Hahs dissapohntmants? Bitch, he’s two. You can barely talk yet and you’re forty. She tries to make him say stuff like “I luv ya!”, but he’ll only point to Baby Phoenix. I don’t blame the kid. These people who have kidnapped him for the day are morons.
When Jagger does start talking, it will be interesting to see what new disease Dorit comes up with for him. And trust. She will.
Rinna’s at home packing for both the trip to Mexico and a trip to New York to see one of the brats walk in Fashion Week. “Lorena! I don’t know what to take! What do you take to two places!? Day to evening? Mexico to Lessxico? A sombrero? A Statue of Liberty foam hat? WHAT?” Lorena offers her the newly found rolling pin, but Rinna still doesn’t know what the heck anyone would use that thing for.
What if someone tries talking Spanish? What a gorgeous language! The language of love! Like birds chirping or giraffes mewing. Do giraffes mew? How come the word for no is the same in Spanish but the word for yes is different? UNLOCK YOUR MYSTERIES, MEXIYORK CITY!
Lorena, unlike Rocio, doesn’t pretend to care that Rinna’s neurotic ass is leaving town. She’s gonna go into that lockbox of flour in the garage and eat like it’s 1999.
The brat will be walking in the Tommy Hilfiger show. Last time we saw him on this show is when his daughter spoke at the Lyme Gala last season about being tired a lot. Guys remember when Lyme wasn’t trendy? Glad those days are over! When people give me shit for taking naps five times a day I just say Lymenhausen and they instantly get jealous of my coolness instead of calling me a fat lazy fuck. Thanks, Yolanda Foster!
Rinna wants to make sure that the Other One practices her own model walk while she’s away. “Make her walk up and down the driveway in heels, Lorena!” Lorena nods, but you know she’s gonna shove so much gluten down the Other One’s throat while Rinna’s away that she’ll pop a button or two. It’s called a maid’s revenge, ok? I’m totally fine with it.
Time to go to Mexico! Erika is Erika Girardi today. You can tell cuz she’s wearing too many hair clips and a really tacky zebra print sweatshirt to look more wife-y. Erika Jayne is pretty spot on with the aging whore who swallowed big enough balls to buy three people’s worth of hair, but Erika Girardi needs a makeover. You’re too rich to look this cheap, dahling.
PK and Dorit arrive, and like that creepy uncle you can’t escape at a family reunion, he immediately starts poking Erika (he wishes). “Look at Erika! So trendy and ‘cool’. Ya prehheh trendy theha ahen’t ya guhl?” She’s like “Um hi Uncle Creepy guy please don’t hug me”. As she walks off, he stares at her ass and licks his lips. Not even kidding you right now.
Boom. We’re in Mexico! I like that the airlines have stood up against Housewives filming on board. All sorts of terrorism are banned, not just the religious kind. It just seems fair.
The group takes a bus to whatever overpriced hellhole Mauricio and Kyle are trying to sell. Dorit says all she wants is a glass of “Rosaaayah!” Kyle jokes that if she says rosé too much, Vanderpump will accuse her of being a copycat. HAHA. Dorit is wearing pink, too. Erika tells us “No one owns the color pink. And why would you want to?” Erika is super serious about pink ownership right now. Like…really really serious. “It’s not THAT great.” Is Erika hinting at a run for office? Cuz her opinions on stuff is super strong this season and I’m digging it.
Pasadena, I, Erika Girardi by day, stand against potholes. They’re ridiculous. I hate em. I mean, potholes. Gross. Whenever I run over one, it says “I wanna be a pothole.” Well, I’m here to tell you, potholes. I’m Erika. And I don’t give a fuuuuuuuuck.
Cheers from the crowd “YAAAAASSSSEVERYTHAAAANG!!!”
She’s running so hard for office that she’s already onto another platform specific to Mexico. “I want chips! I want salsa! I want guacamole! I want a BURRITO!” The poor people are crowded around the buss cheering “Siiiiii! Toooooodooooooo!”
You guys when I was making the above gif, I paused on this hilarious picture. I hope she will use it if she wins office, because it’s the same look Norma Desmond had on her face in Sunset Boulevard when she said “I’m ready for my closeup, Mr. Demille”.
“I’m ready to not give a fuck, Mr. Demille.”
They get to the house and Mauri shows everyone around and assigns them rooms. Dorit and PK are assholes, so they have to take the room with two double beds. Dorit laughs “Mauriciah! We DEW wanna have sayx!” Mauricio stops, barfs on the tile floor, and runs away.
Rinna and Not Gigi are in their NY hotel room. Rinna’s helping her with her walk. “Mom I think they’re looking for tomboy.” Rinna knows what Tommy is looking for. “You need to look exhausted, BABY! The Lyme has ravaged your almond digester, your hair is falling out, you can only bring yourself to put on white jeans. Slump more! We need to put some dark circles under your eyes. Where can we buy a tick in this damn city PREPARE FOR SUCCESS BABY!”
Rinna refers to herself as a reject model, but she understands the Lyme walk after last season. Not Gigi gasps at her own fortune. “I’m. Walking. With GIGI!” She hasn’t met her yet, and she’s scared that Rinna will start shit with Yolanda. “I wouldn’t do thaaaat! I’m just gonna tell her I heard some chatter!”
Eileen is back at her shrink and it sounds like a lunch with Eden. The words “journey” and “self love” are mixed and matched for lots of different sentences. The goal here is to get Eileen to accept her misery and not be embarrassed by it. LOL. I have never known anyone prouder of her own misery, but ok. Eileen’s kid is having some issues because she’s basically been sobbing since she had him.
Is he in the womb or literally trying to be sent to a laundromat to clean Eileen’s sob snot out of his hair?
Eileen tells us that she’s learning that it’s ok to be sad around her kid and he’s gonna have to deal with her misery in his own way. Um, that’s fucking terrible terrible terrible advice to give yourself, but her shrink agrees with her. That’s some bullshit. Your kid wasn’t put on this earth to support YOU. Put on a brave fucking face and feel things over a bottle of Charles Shaw while he’s at school.
She says that not letting herself “go there” is keeping her from being in the present moment. I’m sorry, but when has Eileen ever not let herself go there? She’s been crying eighty percent of her scenes since her first season. I mean, she’s had reason to so I’m not taking that away from her, but I don’t think CRYING MORE is really the answer here.
The shrink asks “Do you know how LOVABLE you are?” Eileen laughs at the cheesiness of that, and so do I. “You’re so LOVABLE!” Ah, the sincerity. Time’s up will that be cash or check?
Kyle, Dorit and Erika go out on jetskis. Erika stands on hers and tells us that she’s the same on a jetski as she is on stage. “Wide open.” At this point, Erika’s vagina is basically extra storage space. I’d like to think there’s a remote control up there, or a toaster or some shit. I respect a woman who employs multi-usage womb storage. It’s creative and utilitarian.
As she stands again and says that she’s a Southern girl not afraid of speed, she flies off the jetski. LOL.
In New York, Rinna meets up with Camille cuz her kid is walking in Fashion Week, too. Jesus. Are poor people without famous parents just too thick to walk now? How are poor dumb people with pretty faces supposed to make money? You’re ruining everything, kids of rich people!
Rinna and Camille congratulate each other on having both their kids walking for the first time. Only LA people would say shit like that seriously and pat themselves on the shoulders.
Rinna: “Isn’t this restaurant AMAZING? The lights! The tablecloths! Who doesn’t like checkers? NAME THEM I DARE YOU! You can’t! EVERYONE LOVES CHECKERS BABY!”
She tells Camille that this very table was in a scene from Annie Hall. Camille coos “I looooove Annie Hall!”
Of course you do. It’s about a somewhat pretty person dating Woody Allen and most likely ending up rich and happy without him. Camille’s psyche has always been a little on the nose, and I have learned to love that about her. And she’s so damn agreeable these days. Rinna could have said “Gigli was filmed at this table” and Cam would have said “I loooove Gigli!”
“Slavery started at this table.”
“I looooove slavery!”
“Ten children were murdered on this table.”
“I loooooove ten children!”
Camille says Frasier still won’t speak to her or the kid, which has actually kinda worked out cuz it’s kept the kid depressed and rail thin enough to walk in a show to earn a man’s approval and money. AW! HUGS!
Rinna totally understands. Why, last year, the ladies were mean. LOL. That has zero to do with Camille getting dumped and cut off, but ok. Rinna has decided that it’s a test from above, learning to deal with all these people. “Otherwise why am I constantly in situations where I’m confronted by them?” She laughs like a guinea pig being sucked into a vaccum, ignoring the cameras for this TV SHOW she’s on.
Camille sweetly and ooohhh-ingly tells Rinna that she’s already done the “confront Twitch for being an addict” thing and it’s better to just back away slowly and keep her mouth shut. Rinna’s like “Of course! I don’t wanna talk about it! I never talk about it! I have nothing to say about it! Is there a waiter? I wanna order Kim Richards some sobriety and self respect to go. Do you think they have a big enough box? What were we talking about?”
Kyle and Vanderpump walk the Mexico property. Vanderpump, who has barely been able to keep it in so long, tells Kyle that Eden came by to stare at the fresh fruit Rocio put out. Kyle is pissed. “Let me guess. She wanted to talk about me and my sister! LET ME GUESS!” Lisa pats her on the head. “I think you may be reading the situation incorrectly.”
“DAMMIT LISA! She did talk about us! Let me just have a moment to gloat that I was right! And to show you this amazing garden that could be yours for a low monthly mortgage payment. Just imagine yourself here at this lovely paradise!” She winks at the camera and starts spelling “THE AGENCY” with her hands.
Lisa says that Eden told her that Rinna said that Twitch isn’t really sober and she’s near death. Kyle freaks. WHAT? Vanderpump gives it a beat before adding “And she said you’re an ENABLER!”
Kyle is furious. How the hell is she an enabler? And why is there Nancy Drew music playing? When Kim was at her lowest, Kyle didn’t pay her rent. She stole her house. If anything, she’s a disabler. Don’t wanna get a job and clean up? Fine. Kyle will cut you off and shove you onto a TV show to embarrass the shit out of yourself. Kyle’s about as enabling as a kick to the knees.
“Lisa Rinna needs to shut her big mouth.”
Vanderpump smiles. “You’re gonna need a lot of thread.”
Dinner time! Mauricio caught a tuna for the meal. Everyone’s super impressed. Erika’s all “I fish! I love catching fish. I know ALLLL about fishing.” People are like wow Erika that’s great. Are you as good at that as you are jet skiing? Erika wants to impress the men, and PK wants to impress Erika. “I fish too. Once I caught a marlin!”
Erika growls “That’s quite a fight.” LOL at Erika thinking back on all her experiences catching marlins. PK turns red. “Well ah didn’t catch it. But I was standing next to a guy that did!” Erika laughs, but in a charming “You don’t even have to pay me to fuck, I’ll do it for the pleasure of ruining your idiot wife’s life” way.
Dinner is served, and Kyle thanks them all for coming and celebrating Mauri’s business yet again and hey don’t forget to buy one of the pashminas her assistant is selling on the way out. Then she’s like “This has been fun. I hope RINNA WON’T RUIN IT!” She tells everyone about Rinna talking shit about Kim as Lisa smiles big. In the next shot, all the men are gone LOL. They’re like oh hell no let’s go to a strip club.
Kyle’s been mad at Eden this whole time but none of this is her fault. It’s all Rinna’s fault!
Dorit, who likes Rinna but has only been faking it with Eden, tries to steer. “I spoke tah Eydeayn and sheh dadn’t have anehthan nice to say about ya sistah!” Kyle won’t have it. “But Rinna called me an enabler and said Kim is gonna die!”
Erika repeats that, but in a funnier voice. “She’s gonna diiiiiiiie?” hahah. Basically everyone believes this, because Rinna is Rinna and she’s said the same thing to everyone a million times. Dorit hasn’t made enough of a splash, so she puts on her “Ah’v got a wackeh storeh!” face. She tells them about Rinna having a bag of pills and Eden taking Xanax.
Dorit is an idiot, but she’s a really funny idiot who’s just given us a season. Kyle is furious. “Xanax? So who is she to judge my sister?!”
The next day, everyone’s getting shitfaced in the pool when Rinna walks in. “Hello! Hello! HELLO EVERYONE HELLO! HI! HELLO! It’s me! Television’s Lisa Rinna! HELLOOO! HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI.”
Everyone awkwardly stares at her. Drunk Kyle goes “I’d greet you better but we’re having a perfect moment right now.” Then she turns away while Rinna stares at them all, blinking rapidly. “Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Fade out.