Hey Trash Bags!
Alright, so when we last left our pals in the Hamptons, Lauren had just kicked a girl out of the way and shoved an entire sheet cake in Carl’s face…only to then try to make out with her cake-faced “friend.”
I’M ASSUMING THAT’S CAKE
I’d hate to be an enabler, so I think Lauren should lay off the rose. However, the girl needs to chug Fireball straight from the bottle every weekend that this show is filmed. Is that bad? Don’t care. I need it.
Carl washes off his cake face in the pool, which slightly irritated me. I mean, was there not a hose nearby, or the kitchen sink? Then again, let’s be honest, that pool is clearly contaminated with far worse than some of Betty Crocker’s finest. As he is doing that, Lauren is bouncing around in her “Let’s Get Twisted” bathing suit, and proceeds to flash the party. At this point, I put two and two together and realized that they have all been pounding those tall boys of Twisted Tea in every episode. I assume they are some sort of sponsor or have a deal…so I’m sure they LOVED that!
Everyone at this party is beyond shitfaced, except for possibly the snoozfest known as Amit. He is up on the balcony hitting on a couple of girls who tell him he looks like a lesbian with a beard. Sign them up for next season!
I am so happy that Summer House is hitting it’s stride in episode three, when the L’s take it to the next level. Out of the blue, Lindsay begins to get a little emo over Everett. Well, I guess it’s not totally out of the blue, since she hasn’t shut up about him, and she’s been pounding booze all day, and is not being pounded by Amit.
Anyway, she is upstairs having a bit of a heart to heart with Carl (of all people) when Lauren the lush comes tumbling into the room. She is beyond wasted and laughing, and Lindsay gets a little peeved because she was pouring her heart out about her war hero ex-boyfriend…as one does.
Lindsay makes a comment as she leaves the room that it was a little rude of Lauren to interrupt their convo. This is where Lauren flies off the handle. There is a lot of back and forth bickering about Carl and about each of them being selfish. I really was trying to follow for you people, but they were filming a wall and it was hard to keep up. Why were the camera people not in on the action you ask? Lindsay is on the toilet peeing as this fight has continued into the bathroom.
FLUSHING IT OUT
This fight continues on, and Lauren will not let us forget that Lindsay was on the toilet. She says it…hmm…12 billion times? Lindsay is confused as to what Lauren is talking about and why they are fighting, and Lauren continues to scream at her, “YOU JUST SAT ON THE TOILET AND SAID….!” I’ve never loved a scene so much.
During the fight Danielle begins to make her way upstairs, but I guess she decides against it. Thank God. She makes a hilarious joke that yelling ensues when you are on the Carl Coaster. Umm…please don’t steal Bethenny’s jokes. They typically aren’t funny when she says them, soooooo, don’t try Danielle. Thanks.
It’s about 1:30 AM now and the party is winding down, but not before Lindsay mutters that Lauren is a psycho bitch. Actually, it might have been vice versa, but who cares? Kyle is barely alive on the couch mowing down a bag of chips, and Amanda tries to get him to bed. She’s a trooper.
Cut to around 5:30 AM and although she smashed an entire cake in his face and screamed at Lindsay, Lauren and Carl decide to hop in the Jacuzzi. Guys, there has been a lot of cocaine (pasta) talk lately on Bravo. All I will say is that if you are pounding margs at the tiki bar all day, drinking rose, and swigging Fireball straight from the bottle in the 4th of July sun, it’s pretty difficult to stay up all night until almost 8 AM. You guys do the math.
PASTA IS ON HIGH
They proceed to get into bed together and Carl tells Lauren that she is his girl. Excuse me while I go vomit.
The next morning everyone is cleaning up, and they discover that Lauren and Carl are still in bed. They are irritated, but not shocked. Amit denies making out with Lindsay, and I need him off this show. He bores me.
They all go on a boat ride later that day, but must be split into two boats. Come on guys. There are only 8 of you. Carl and Kyle moon each other like the idiots that they are, and it’s pretty uneventful.
Once they get to the beach, Lauren and Lindsay decide to have a chat near the water and squash their beef. Well, that’s pretty difficult when Lauren won’t let you get a word in. There is a lot of Lindsay asking Lauren to stop interrupting her, and Lauren calling Lindsay defensive and that she’s playing the victim. I never thought I’d say it, but I’m so Team Lindz. I also realized that it is very difficult to tell you about the arguments between these two, because they are both motor mouths and I really just love to sit back and watch.
The gang starts to get annoyed with their squawking and Carl tries to get them all together. This pisses Stephen off, of course, and they all end up leaving the beach. Oh yeah, Amit states that if this was Survivor, he’d want to be the first kicked off the island. Don’t worry buddy. I see that in your future.
They all go back to New York after the holiday, and I don’t care. The only thing that we learn is that Danielle lives in Brooklyn and she did some computer job, but was recently laid off. Also, Kyle is starting up, yet another, app and is looking for financing from some guy he met a while ago and ended up naked on his couch. Umm…whatever.
It’s Friday again so they are back in the house and Amit and Carl arrive first. Amit relates them to the cartoon characters Pepe Le Pew and the Tasmanian Devil. I don’t get it. Can he please leave? If we are comparing ourselves to cartoon characters in our 30’s, I’d say more like Tweedledee and Tweedledum.
CARL & AMIT
There are a ton of Amazon Prime boxes for Stephen and Carl makes some snide comment about them. It’s official. Stephen hates Carl.
They decide to go out to some bar and find some peeps to hit on. Lindsay is pretty unlucky, but, Amit brings home several girls back to the house, early. Uh, okay. The entire cast is at the bar. I can’t with him. No one wants to see you not get any action back at the house.
Of course, Kyle gets blackout drunk and Amanda is upset. She is completely embarrassed by him, and honestly, they should just break up.
With all the drama going on, Danielle has planned some clam hunting. Obvi, Stephen wants nothing to do with clams. Lauren and Lindsay have yet another convo where nothing goes anywhere. Unfortunately, for me, Lindsay has turned over a new leaf and let’s it go. They all have a nice time eating lobster and clams with some native tribe that busts out a drum and sings one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. It did look fun though! They sing kumbaya and all is right in the Hamptons…until next weekend. DUN DUN DUN!!
Love you people!