VPR Recap: Sh*t Hits the Fan
Howdy Trashies! Here we are at week 8 of VPR season 6. Can you believe all the wanton extracurricular humping and pumping and smooching and smacking the gang’s been up to in a mere two months? It’s getting so complex I think we might need a flow chart soon.
Before we start, let’s check out that blind gossip item that was posted on CDN last August. Here it is:
“This Bravo reality star who likens himself to another celebrity is closeted. Well, to fans, but not to the people in West Hollywood or the multiple guys he slept with who a pseudo relative introduced to him over the years who paid for his services.”
So supposedly, there is a closeted male VPR cast member who has worked as a gay escort around town. Hmm, interesting…
We open at Jax and Brit’s. Sherri has shown up, and KFC is crying. Jax is very uncomfortable. Kristen says that pretty much every one of her friends that’s dated Jax is too good for him, but Brittany is especially too good for him. Imagine what Kristen’s creepy KFC obsession is going to look like in 10 years, if it keep up at this rate.
”Such precious tears! I must move my cup closer…”
Kristen interviews, “There aren’t enough adjectives to describe how badly I want to break them up.” Okay, that’s totally sane.
Jax scoots off to buy Sherri a present, and the comically frumped-up Kristen and Katie follow. Once KFC’s alone with her momma, she cries that she’s going to have trust issues for an awful long time. Sherri has a rare non-daughter pimping moment. “I don’t know,” she says, “Maybe Jax is not the right one for ya.”
”Dang, that sparkle sure went somewhere, didn’t it”
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Now Katie and Lala meet for lunch, to bury the hatchet. We get a lovely “summer bodies” flashback, reminding us how new this feminist Lala iteration is —
“Is this whore really telling me I’m fat right now?”
— then Lala orders a mimosa and doesn’t show her ID, because she’s a grown-ass woman who forgot her ID. She kicks things off by defending Scheana against the Rob gossip. Katie tells her no one’s talking about the TMI incident except Scheana herself. She interviews that Scheana was really high maintenance as a friend, but she’s super high maintenance as an acquaintance. The two toast to their new friendship.
“Here’s to collecting new dirt on Scheana”
Lala interviews that she’s all about “power of the pussy” this season, and wants to find a way to bring Scheana and Katie together. Great start!
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Back at SUR, Lisa asks Peter for a chilled shot of Don Julio Blanco. Peter says he’s worked for Lisa for nine years, and she’s never asked for a shot of anything; it’s always either rosé or pinot noire. As he hands Lisa the shot, he tells her his birthday is in about an hour, actually. She hands it right back. “Well, now, this is for you. Happy Birthday!” she says.
She interviews that out of all her many employees, Peter has to be the sweetest, kindest one.
”Is this really happening?”
How nice! And Peter certainly is sweet. Imagine what he’d get if he were an asshole.
Now Scheana comes barging up and aggressively asks Lala how lunch went. Before she can answer, Scheana snips, “So you guys are f*in best friends now.” Lala says Katie was really cool and didn’t say a bad thing about her. Scheana says well, that’s only because Lala would tell her. Lala informs Scheana that Katie hasn’t been talking about the Rob thing at all. Scheana says she’s this close to breaking, and also, she’s PMS-ing, so it’s a bad time to f*ck with her.
Lala interviews that the whole Katie and Scheana feud this season started with her, because she dangled Scheana in front of Katie like a fine morsel of chum, in order to get off the hook for the Bungalow reveal. But she feels that it’s their job as women to get past all the retaliatory BS and get along. She asks Scheana how they can make it so she doesn’t have a panic attack every day. Scheana says she’s trying to figure that out — somehow, the more Lala helps, the worse it gets.
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It’s Peter and Carter’s birthday! The gang files in, and Ariana interviews that she’s happy to get her first ever invite to Peter’s birthday, as in the past, he’s only invited guys. She interviews about how nice it is to have “chicks with the dicks”, but, oh no, haha — then she realizes she’s referring to trans women who haven’t had bottom surgery, who are apparently as icky to Ariana as lesbians. We can’t help but notice how puffy and bloated she looks in this talking head; frankly, not as “sparky” as usual.
”Shh, don’t tell anyone: ‘pasta’ is code for Little Debbie snack cakes”
Is this one of those later talking heads they add after the season wrap-up? Have any of you Lovelies seen her in this red dress all bloated and bitter yet? Just curious…
Anyway, back to the party. Katie tells Kristen that Jax wasn’t happy with Sherri’s surprise visit, and they cackle. Kristen shares that she’s got another surprise coming — she’s flying Brit’s big sister Tiffany in, too, as she still has a ton of frequent flyer miles left on her broomstick. Jax knows this is all Kristen’s doing, and moans they won’t let a dead horse die, they have to keep kicking him. Poor thing, maybe Kelsey will give him a hug.
So for those of you who didn’t see Jax & Brittany Take Kentucky, Jax and Tiffany didn’t get along, because Jax judged her redneck lifestyle.
“I’m not listening to that fallen woman with the bastard babies!”
Time to cut the cakes! Patrick is in Amsterdam watching sex shows and banging prostitutes, so Stassi’s going to be Peter’s “makeshift girlfriend” for the night. We flash back to that dinner scene where Patrick tried to call Stassi out for being a crazy girlfriend, but ended up looking like a major, world-class douche.
“Think about it as, like, a good experience for me,” he said douchily, as we recall.
*** Mr. Continental Douchelord 2018 ***
Stassi says she doesn’t mind doting on Peter all night, because he’s her only ex boyfriend that she doesn’t fantasize about murdering. Meanwhile, Carter plugs Kristen’s pie hole with his index finger.
“Well, that shut her up about KFC for a hot minute”
Lisa sits down with Sherri, who’s looking pretty in a coral jumper with matching lipstick. We wonder if the Frump Sisters gave her an off-camera makeover. Sherri says when she heard Jax cheated on Brittany, she was devastated. Lisa says. “So you don’t want him to be with your daughter anymore.” Sherri says, “Well, there would have to be a big change.” Oh please.
Lisa says, “You seem so emotional.” Sherri says she is, because she always stood up for him and said he’s changed. Lisa says, “Brittany loves him so much, it’s unbelievable.” Yes, totally unbelievable, completely 100%, you lost me. Now Brit-Brit tells a grumbling Jax that if she matters at all to him, he will put all his efforts into making sure her family is okay with him. “If you can’t do that,” she says, “then you can’t be with me.”
Meanwhile Lala’s all fired up due to “new age feminism”, and is determined to bring Katie and Scheana together. Before you know it, she’s shouting at Scheana in this coarse voice. “ENOUGH! I’M OVER IT! STOP! STOP!”
“SOOOO f*ing glad I befriended Lala”
Then she screams at her fellow pussies, “Let’s as a united fucking front of women COME TOGETHER! What the fuck is GOING ON HERE?!” Scheana interviews that Katie’s always been a bitch, and the wedding was just an excuse for her bitchery. For some reason, she thinks Katie’s cozying up to Lala merely to revive her image, and she’s not having it. “You guys are so f*ing fake!” she shouts.
All of a sudden, Schwa is overcome with the desire to have Katie’s long-neglected back. “Scheana!” he jumps in, “Look at your nails, you’re the fakest person in this whole building!” Scheana applauds him sarcastically, and shouts, “Bravo for standing up for your wife, for the first time ever, and being a man for fucking once!”
Lisa cracks to Sherri, “I feel like we’re in the cheap seats.”
“Well at least I’m on the set, thanks to ma baby’s hooha!”
Schwa goes on, “You’re fake from head to toe! You have no personality! You’re nothing! You’re a bootleg Kardashian! All you care about is your f*ing selfie!” Scheana retorts, “All YOU care about is making out with fucking chicks in bars! That’s what you do! That’s what you do!”
“KARDASHIAN?!” II “Or Kristen in 10 years, I don’t know!”
Now Katie jumps in. “Come up with some new material, bitch,” she says dismissively, and turns her back. Scheana breaks down and cries, because that went really badly. Then she tells Lala, “I don’t want this to happen to you!” and that it was Katie’s fault she treated Lala badly last year, like that’s really going to help.
At this point, Ariana jumps in like a true friend, and tells Lala that Scheana’s being really genuine right now, and that “some other people” (Katie) are not being genuine, they just want to revamp their image by befriending the person they “talked the most shit about” last season. Oh okay, that’s where Scheana got that dumb idea. Well, that person would have been Scheana, not Lala, m’kay? We think Katie is genuinely okay with Lala now, especially since she’s serving Scheana up on a platter so helpfully this season.
Lala says to Scheana, “You may have PM… what is it?” Ariana tells her Scheana has PTSD, because she knows everything. “You may have PTSD,” continues Lalz, “but guess what, bitch? You’re stuck with me, homie!” Scheana’s so fucking thrilled, for sure.
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Now Lala and James hit the courts for a little tennis. Lala just started lessons two weeks prior, because she wants to do more things with her man, who is a super amazing tennis player. James interviews that he does believe Lala and her man have similar interests, such as they both like to ride in private jets together, oh, and stay at the Beverly Hilton midweek, for daiquiris.
”I don’t like it when balls fly at my face! Except at the Beverly Hilton on a Wednesday!”
They break, and talk about the night before. James tells her she was more lit than he was, and Lalz says she was more lit than anybody. James thinks that Scheana’s just the odd sheep in the room, being pushed into that corner. They both think she’s being antagonized, then lashes out and it goes badly. Lala says she tried to bring peace to those two bitches, but now she’s washing her hands of it.
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Meanwhile, over at Jax and Brit’s, Jax got sandwiches for the girls. They boss him to fetch condiments, then Brit-Brit interviews, “If we want margaritas, get your shaker out. If we want hot wings, go get us some Hooters, if we want to have a ‘spaulll’ day, drive us there and pay for it all. He has a lot of work to do.”
“You know, to prove he loves me. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Our butler needs to get us some better-tasting food,” cracks Sherri, then she tells Jax she wants to talk. Jax says oh yeah, sure, but how about later, then interviews that maybe he should go run off to Canada. But he has a felony, so he can’t.
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Back at the tennis court, Lala asks James, “How are Logan and ‘Quel? Does Logan like Raquel?” James asks what Lala thinks. Lala says she thinks Logan wishes James were not a straight human being. “He has mad love for you,” she says.
“What do you want? Logan’s my mate. Logan’s my girlfriend,” he says. Lala points out he said Logan is his girlfriend, and corrects him, then they wrap it up with a really straight “grab my balls” joke from James.
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Back at Jax and Brittany’s, Tiffany says Logan was crying the night before when they got into the car, and Tiffany asked him why. He said it was because he and James were f*cking. She asked if Raquel knew, and he said she was dumb if she didn’t. Jax laughs, and interviews, “I mean of course James and Logan are sleeping together. Have you not seen them together?”
“Psst! Don’t tell anyone – I’m not ready to come out yet”
“You can totally tell they’re boning,” says Jax dismissively. KFC says if that’s what they want to do, fine, but he’s dating Raquel, and that’s what bothers her.
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Over at SUR, Lisa enters with fresh baguettes. In come Katie and Schwa, who enjoy smelling them for a minute, then Katie goes upstairs and Schwa sits down to talk. Lisa brings up the night before. Schwa says he was way out of line, but guess what? He had Katie’s back! And it felt great!
“About bloody time,” says Lisa.
Schwa says yes, but back in the day, Katie expected him to have her back always, no matter what an unreasonable jerk she was being. Lisa says, well, that’s the idea of marriage — you present a united front to the world, and then privately, you can work it out. Schwa says Katie has changed and matured so much, he’s falling in love with her for real now. “Katie’s so cool now,” he says, “I wasn’t about to just stand there and let Scheana of all people call her a fake. The hypocrisy was just too much.” Katie joins them, and tells Lisa how nice it was that Schwa defended and protected her, like a man or something.
Lisa says meanwhile she’d been sitting talking with Sherri. She says, “If Jax treated my daughter the way he treated Brittany, not that that would ever happen, I would be kicking his bottom from here to breakfast time, and it would not be a pleasant experience.”
Except for the fresh croissants
They talk about how hard KFC is trying to hold on to this, she even moved to LA for him. All of a sudden, Schwa gets very deep and intellectual. He says, “It’s like the Sunken Cost Fallacy.” Here is a little explanation of the Sunk Cost Fallacy, for those of you who aren’t rocket scientists or adorable junior business partners or whatever: it’s a fallacy of logic wherein people believe they make rational decisions based on the future value of a thing, when in reality, they’re stuck hanging on because they’ve emotionally invested so much, it’s become hard to abandon it, along with all the effort and energy they poured in.
This is obviously something Schwa has thought about a lot, so it’s nice to see those two lovebirds in a better place, thanks to edible weed (and Lala).
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At the gym, we learn that Sandy is a jump rope wiz. He says people sometimes challenge him to a jump rope-off, and he always wins. Yes, we’re sure he’s left many a 10-year-old girl in a puddle of tears on the playground.
So James is hanging with Jax and the Toms outside, when Jax says Tiffany told him that Logan said he and James were lovers. James says, “Wait, what?” He says Logan would never say that — he’s totally straight, and very much in love with Raquel.
Schwa hilariously interviews, “I would say there’s like, a 77% chance that at least some portion of James’s penis has been in Logan’s mouth.” Jax is like, “Whatever, it’s your business.” James says, “You think there’s any truth to this?” then takes off.
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Over at SUR, Brit-Brit takes Stassi and Katie’s order, then up comes Lala. They ask her about James and Logan. Lala explains that James wants people to find him hot, and why would he shut that down from Logan when he wants that from everybody? Kristen says, “Do I think James wants to date guys? No. Do I think James had ever waded in the penis pond? Yeah, I do.” Then they fall all over each other trying to prove they’re open-minded because it’s WeHo, and all they care about is if he’s cheating on his girlfriend, because they care about Raquel so freaking much, dontcha know.
Meanwhile, Raquel and James go to the Blending Lab to make some wine.
Cool shades, ‘Quel
So they do their sexy little science project, then Raquel asks, “Are you here?”
“No,” says James. He says he’s in shock, really, and he feels so weird. Raquel says she feels very uncomfortable with the whole thing. James interviews that he puts up with a lot from Logan, but at the end of the day, “You can’t disrespect my girlfriend, you can’t spread rumors about me, take it or leave it.”
Raquel says, “First of all, I have to deal with another person saying that they’re fucking my boyfriend.” She says she knows it’s not true, but it’s like, the whole world is claiming to have sex with James Kennedy. James says, “The whole world wants to have sex with James Kennedy.”
Raquel replies, “Oh god. I don’t think so, but…” — haha, burn.
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Over at SUR, KFC tells Ariana and Tom that Jax is having dinner with her mom and sister right now. “Hope they’re ripping him a new asshole,” she laughs. Then she laughs harder when Ariana gives her a look of skepticism, hoping Bravo will give her the edit. No such luck.
“All I got is duckface on that one, boo”
Back at the restaurant, Jax finds out Tiffany has never heard of sparkling water. He sneers at her, then pretends he was scratching his nose. We’ve been noticing a lot of subtle shade and other sneaky stuff from the boys this season.
Men of VPR — the new Li’l Bitches of VPR
Now for the interrogation. Sherri wants to know if it was a one-time thing, or did Jax have feelings for this girl? Did he want a relationship? Jax says it was a one-time thing, and that it was just the “act of doing it”, whatever that means. We get a flashback to Jax’s disturbing squirrel fantasy.
“I desperately want to make love to a squirrel with a pussy”
“Eek! Maybe we should be going…”
Sherri needs to know why. Jax says he doesn’t want to get too graphic, but the fact is that he’s been frustrated with Brit-Brit’s lack of motivation, and also, she’s become fat. Specifically, she sleeps till 1:00 and eats all day, every day.
“I think she does a lot for you,” says Sherri. “But what do you really do, like, with your time?”
“Besides hittin’ the ol’ rakey?”
Jax says we’re getting into a lot of details here (oh, NOW he isn’t about details), but the big picture is, he’s not a mean person, he doesn’t do things to hurt people, and he’s not happy with himself, not even a little bit. This makes Sherri sad. Then Jax says he’s a selfish, terrible person. Sherri — smiles?
“Aw, y’ain’t so bad when yer not porkin’ side chicks”
Sherri says she has saw a lot of good in Jax. For instance, she will never forget when her son was infertile on Jax & Brittany Take Kentucky, and Jax gave him a bunch of money to make a baby. We agree that was pretty cool, especially since it’s a scientific fact that you can’t have enough Cartwrights in this world, so she says she’ll give him a second chance, because she loves him. Jax interviews, “What’s that, Kristen? Your plan didn’t work? Aw, poor thing.”
“I’m believin’ in you!” says Sherri.
“Suck it, Kristen”
Okay, to recap — Jax cheated on KFC because she lacks motivation and is fat, and his main reason for making up to Sherri is to spite Kristen.
“Hallelujah, he’s changed!”
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Back at Jax’s, the Cartwright sisters decide they’re going to confront James about his “sex scandal” with Logan, because they’re so concerned about their fellow cast-boinking famewhore, Raquel. Jax texts him, then takes off to go get a root canal or something. So James arrives, then calls Logan and puts him on speaker. He tells them to be quiet, so Logan won’t know he’s on TV.
“Hey, so not only did you say that we were fucking, but also you said, “Welcome to Hollywood’, that’s what I’ve been told, Logan.”
“By whom?”
“By Brittany! And Tiffany!”
“Um, it’s all a lie. I mean, I said it, but it’s all a lie.” As James buries his head in his hands, Logan goes on, “It’s me just being a jealous little bitch… and being in love with you.” KFC finds this really funny (because she’s so amazing and wonderful).
“Aw-HAW, busted that li’l faggot GUUUD!”
James says, “How can we be friends after this? After you try to ruin my relationship?” He calls Logan a piece of shit and hangs up. James is crying. He feels he lost a true friend, but obviously Logan wasn’t a true friend after all.
This whole scene looks fake to me. I mean, why would Logan tell James it was a lie if that was a given, and he thought they were alone? Either way, Logan doesn’t want to be marginalized, and his heart is hurting.
Now it’s time for Sherri and Tiffany to go. Jax loads their bags in the car, flips them the bird, then comes in and plops down with KFC on her couch. He says he really has everything he wants — “I got my girl, and I got a cold case of beer in the fridge. The end.”
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Next on VPR, the triplets get a makeover, Kevin Lee fat shames Katie, and Kelsey gets to know the real Jason.
“Come to my arms, you bad, bad boy”
Till then, Trashies!
xoxo
~AS
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