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Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Twitch told the ladies that having a pregnant daughter made her feel “Those firzt mother inztincts.” That means “I wanted to shoot heroin and snort meth off Emilio Estevez’ ass” in addict speak, apparently, cuz Eden announced that soon, Kim will just be a super thirsty ghost that falls down a lot.
Kyle will only shoot scenes involving her money, her husband’s job or Kim. Shaking up the bag. HER HUSBAND’S JOB! What’d I win?
They’re trying to offload the mega mall mansion that some loser ran out of credit to build in Malibu. Kyle knows lots of hangers on and people who live off massive loans, so I doubt there will be a sale of this shitshow of a house. Still, it’s an excuse to throw a party she doesn’t have to pay an army of gays to clean up after tomorrow. Polluting the ocean is a massive trend right now, and Kyle’s nothing if not trendy.
She won’t have her regular Fatburger truck at this thing. You know cuz her party planner has become a living Fatburger truck and Kyle it too cheap to pay for two.
People are always asking when her White People Party is, because it’s tough living in a town where everything is so damn integrated. She wanted to change it up this year because Mauri’s fucked if he doesn’t sell this place and minorities don’t drive to Malibu anyway. This year, the theme will be Great Gatsby. Oh, poor sad Kyle. You know that book didn’t end well, right? That fucker was full of shit and ended up dead.
Kyle calls Vanderpump in France and tells her that she HAS to come to this party. Vanderpump needs convincing. Just tell her you’re gonna be on Eileen’s side. She’ll ride Ken piggyback all the way there if there are no flights.
As we’ve learned from Rinna in the past, Harry Hamlin can do anything. He can build dollar stores, wrestle unicorns, rub his tummy while patting his head, birth sows, plug holes in sprinkler lines, speak a tad of thirty languages, word jumbles, fluff eggs a la francais, delve into political discussions, wax backs, etc. Today’s special resume skill is pie making.
“HE ONCE HAD A PIE OFF WITH CYNDI CRAWFORD, BABY!” The thought of two thin modelish types fighting over whose pie is better doesn’t compute in my pie soaked brain. Who the hell even tasted either pie as a judge? Fucking no one, that’s who. You don’t look like Cyndi Crawford or Harry Hamlin by eating pies. Dry ass cracker crust with no sugar. TRUST.
I’m so mad about pies right now.
Rinna offers to help Harry. “Can I get you something? Support you in any way? Make you feel like the incredible suped up genius man of the world that you are HARRY HAMLIN?! What can I do? I’ll do anything! Give you children! I already did that (car that needs new belt reversing laugh) but I can give you more! If I can’t have them myself I’ll inject one of the kids with Isaac Mizrahi sperm while they sleep. Do you need a towel? An award? A HUG FOR YOUR HEART TELL ME WHAT I CAN DOOOOOOOO.”
He’s like erm, find a rolling pin.
“What’s that? We don’t have one of those. The one thing you need I don’t have! LORENA DO WE HAVE A BOWLING PIN oh Harry anything else anything else anything at all. I have a tennis ball. Different sport but it might make the pie good. The dogs love ‘em. Can’t keep em in stock!”
Uh ok. Then how bout some flour?
“IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?! Just divorce me now Harry Hamlin you married a flourless woman with no hope of ever scoring a turkey!”
The maid comes in and saves the day with a rolling pin and some pre Days of Our Lives flour she found hidden in Lisa’s “Don’t Ever Speak of This Again” Time Capsule box buried under the garage.
Harry checks his iCal and texts his agent to book him anywhere immediately so he can recover from the trauma of being in a kitchen that doesn’t stock the tools he needs on days he’s pretending to be a master chef. “Is there I can do for you my amazing fantastic talented hero of human being husband FOREVER TIL DEATH DO US PART IF YOU LEAVE ME I’LL MURDER YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY?” Train screeching to a stop laugh. He closes the oven door and tries to get the hell away from her by going outside to start the grill for today’s barbecue.
He douses the poor grill with about a gallon of lighter fluid. The problem with having a man who can do everything is that he can’t really do that much…well. Those burgers are gonna taste like Bic Lighters and dead cow ass. Rinna runs around the backyard taking flower pots Lorena has been placing for years to plop on her picnic table. “See? THIS is a real barbecue baby! Harry I found flowers! Can you make a pie with them? Or do you bowl with these? Darn it Harry I forgot! RETEACH ME PROFESSOR OF LIFE!”
Rinna reminds us that the barbecue is a RHOBH tradition now. Kyle hired a damn caterer and dressed like she was going to Brazil’s version of the Oscars for hers, and Erika’s attempt was a “festival of butts and penises”. HAHA. It was also where Yolanda threatened to start you on fire and feed you to her staff for telling everyone she had the MunchenLymenProxyVanDykenhausen. That was a good one.
Her barbecue will be a “REAL” barbecue. I think that just means she’s way poorer than both Erika and Kyle and she had Lorena buy some cheap ass weenies from the Ralph’s. I may not know much, but I know how to throw a “REAL” barbecue. It involves potato salad from Costco. Sad poor person horns.
Eden arrives first so she can be hurt by everyone’s non reactions to her as they arrive. There will be a bartender to say hello and an Eden to squint her eyes and exclaim “THEY GAVE ME NOTHING.”
Harry’s like “Ohhhh…so it’s…yooooou.” Harry wouldn’t be a good wife to a Mayor. Eden isn’t listening to him anyway. She’s presenting a gift. It’s a big empty bottle. A little on the nose there, eh, Eden? It says “Bottle of Love” on it. I think they had those in the trailer where I last donated sperm. I can’t remember it’s been a few weeks.
The bottle comes with a monologue: “I am endowing this empty vessel to you so that you may fill it with the love and adoration you have for your wife. Then you are expected to bring it to my tiny home and turkey baster that love back into me so that I may know what it feels like and be slightly less jelly.” Harry and Rinna just blink a lot. “You make me a stronger woman.”
Rinna just hugs her, thanks her and walks the fuck away as fast as she can. She tells us that it was sweet but she doesn’t know wtf a bottle of love is. “You can’t re-gift that, right?” LOL.
Dorit is here! “Dan! I mean Derrick! Wait…Donovan! Denise! Danforth! Don! Shit….Drake! Oh my God what if Drake was here! I would die if you were Drake I’d be like ‘Hey Drake Harry Hamlin can write songs! Let’s hustle in the same lane ammIrightDRAKE? Thank you for coming I got you this bottle of love!” Before Dorit can remind Rinna of her terrible made up name, Kyle walks in wearing a bra three sizes her junior.
Rinna jokes that Kyle can now learn what a “REAL” bbq is. The smell of cheap overcharred beef wafts over from the grill Harry is still pretending to understand. Where are the games? Kyle’s BBQ was inauthentic, but at least she brought Faye for someone to punch. Please tell me you bitches aren’t just gonna sit there and eat.
Eden hugs Kyle really hard and for way too long. Kyle’s face:
Erika Jayne arrives and sniffs the air. Rinna is always going on about Harry’s meat, but it definitely smells better than her own husband Don Rickles’ meat. And Rinna doesn’t have to make sure he doesn’t trip over his nuts. Can Erika just move in?
She says hi to the Hamlin kids, who are obsessed with her. Erika has some really good advice for these girls re: selling your youth to a grouchy elderly person with money. Yes, the Pasadena prison complex she rules over when Don Rickles is at work is nice, and yes, she does have some extremely large print to canvasses of herself squatting over all different sorts of ping pong balls and yes, the friends she’s purchased with her allowance say “Everythang betch” perfectly…but the road is not easy. The breath alone….Erika’s now slumped on the ground rocking back and forth sobbing. Lisa’s kid is like “I took a day off from the toastery for this.”
Dorit and Eden are off to the side trying to figure out ways to get camera time. Dorit, in about seventy pounds of eyelash glue, reminds Eden that they went to dinner to bitch about everyone in the cast who has given Eden NOTHING in return for all the overly intense squinty eyes she’s glared at them. “You sehmed ubsaht!” Cut to dinner. Eden went off about donating the entire past year of her life to helping Kim Twitchards down those two steps in Dorit’s living room and Kim gave her NOTHING. NOOOOOTHINGGGGGG! “I shoulda just let her crawl.” LOL wtf.
She rants and raves that Kim is a sick person. She doesn’t even care what other people think! Eden was trying to openly judge her but Kim pretended she wasn’t even on trial. WTH? As sober women, it’s an unspoken rule that you listen to each other tell you how close you are to using again so that the person lecturing doesn’t feel unheard and use again herself. Kim is trying to make Eden use again and that’s unforgivable.
Dorit just looks at her, trying to form this into a logline to spread to the other girls so they don’t ignore her again just because of their short attention spans. “So whaht deed sha doooo to ya? Show me on thes rattan rocka from 198sevahn wheah Kyle’s seestah tuchedah ya!”
Eden shakes her head. It wasn’t like Twitch pulled her hair or called her the c word or anything like that. It was silent shade. “She just didn’t care what I had to say. SHE DIDN’T EVEN CARE! And as an addict, that’s a red flag!” Oh hon, I’m sure it’s much easier for you to label people who don’t give a flying fuck what you have to say as having some kind of medical issue, because it’s way easier than confronting the fact that you have zero of interest to say. I don’t care what you have to say, does that make me an addict? No. The drug and alcohol binges probably do, but you don’t get to take credit for it. My mother gets that honor.
Dorit tells us she’s learned her lesson with these women about talking behind backs, even though her issue was saying everything to Erika’s face nine million times. She encourages Eden to start shit with Kyle so she can be the fun one while everyone hates on Eden for a couple of weeks. “If ya say eet behahnd hah back ya’ll have to say it to a skinny child’s brazieah!” Just as she says that, Kyle passes by them quickly making her “Oh shit don’t make me talk to these losers” face to the other girls.
Might be a good time to note that Dorit is telling Eden she should confront her problem with Twitch to Kyle’s face. LOL. That’s literally behind the back. Dorit logic. Eden’s not the most hexagonal L in the IKEA store, so she goes for it. Dorit’s like “Greyat! Have foon! I’ll be at my kid’s orientation at tha Pre-School Fah Formerleh Mooshy Hayded BehBehs. BYE!”
The smartest thing Dorit has ever done is leave this shitshow right now so she won’t be blamed when the Twitch hits the fan.
Eden sits with the other girls under a tree. Eileen tells Kyle that she shockingly had a lovely conversation about babies having babies and tripping over kitchen islands or something with Twitch. She doesn’t really know what the fuck Kim was saying, but she had a lovely tone in her voice. “It’s the first time!” Amazing what can happen when you don’t start out a convo with “Are you drunk right now? Do you need an ambulance? Do you have a sponsor?” Maybe you should share what you’ve learned with Eden. She doesn’t. Instead, she pats herself on the back and says she is glad there was no more icky energy.
Eden, who’s overly made up, botoxed face has turned all pale and waxy, says “Speaking of icky energy!…” She’s sweating right now. It’s either the nerves or the adderrall. Or both. Either way, “REAL” barbecues should all have rolls of paper towels strewn throughout the yard. Especially with women who inject discount neurotoxins into their face. The girls all look at Eden like all girls look at Pilates instructors: with fear of being yelled at or fat shamed.
Eden picks up a twig and announces that she has the talking stick and wants to share her feelings. Groan. Jesus Kyle tell your stomach to shut up. Lunch is almost ready.
Eden says that Kim gave her bad energy at the party even after she offered her hand down the five hour hike that were Dorit’s two living room steps. Kyle looks at her like a reduced fat Oreo’s box.
You’re wasting my time.
She says that Eden is “reading into things too much with a magnifying glass.” Twitch is painful enough to read in small print. Kyle doesn’t hate anything more than magnifying glasses. If Kim had one she might have seen the clauses into the loan agreement and Kyle would be short a house.
Pilates Teacher Clown Music plays as Dorit whines about Twitch not being kind to her, as if she’s the owner of a video store and Kim returned a VHS tape of Breakfast Club without rewinding. And we all know Kim did that about thirty thousand times in the eighties. Kyle says this is like Groundhog Day. But way less amusing. Eden’s faux struggle is on par with Andy McDowell’s atrocious acting in that film though.
Rinna jumps up and starts asking people if they need anything. “Water? Soda? Juice? Bowling pin? Flowers? Sail boats? Trips to Europe? LET ME PLEASE YOU!” Eden’s annoyed that Rinna is suddenly a late night waitress at Denny’s instead of the backup she needs. “Grand slam? Smiley face pancake? Eggs or french toast? or BOTH? GET CRAZY!”
Eden says “feelings” and “honor” and “journey” a lot while Kyle watches the dog shit. “That dog is shitting.” LOL. Everyone cracks up. Harry tells them that their dog is very spiritual and was conveying the value of their convo. Kyle agrees that the talk is shit while Eden stews wax-ily. Her damn face is gonna fall off. This is why you should never wear organic products.
Rinna’s annoyed that Eden would bring her drama to the entire group here at the REAL bbq. This probably would be a bad time to point out Rinna sitting Yolanda down for a group talk at Erika’s Pasadena Prison Spambecue, or that Rinna and Eileen ganged up on Kim to ask about rehab at another party, or that time…well, you get it. “Just eat a hot dog and go home!” On that we can agree. Who can stitch it on a pillow and sell it to Cracker Barrel first? I’ll race ya!
Kyle has a semi surprised look on her face. She didn’t know animals actually pooped outside. She’s gonna have to get someone to teach her pets to do that. The other ladies take the shit as a cue to get the hell out of there while Kyle rips Eden’s head off with her bare teeth. Camille whines “I need foooooood!” We all know that’s a damn lie. She’s not putting anything solid into her body that’s not a rich dick that could possibly take care of her well into retirement.
Kyle shocks us all and decides to save her fighting for after Mauri has sold that godawful wreck of an unfinished new money mansion in Malibu. Instead, she calmly tells Eden that she’s interjecting herself into a situation she doesn’t understand but that it’s ok. “If you and Kim were stuck alone on an island together, you’d probably get along. You’d understand that she only tells Emilio Estevez stories to make you like her and she’d understand that Pilates isn’t a group of people that fly airplanes. HUGS!” Eden has been trying to start a fight for weeks now and no one’s biting. She’s pissed, but she can’t keep this going right now. She needs to get in and let her makeup mask dry before we all realize she’s just some creepy shrunken head Alison DuBois created to torture Kyle for the rest of her life.
There are lots of friendployees on this show, but Dorit’s sitch is the saddest because she doesn’t have her own friendployee to shoot with. She has to borrow PK’s. Hey, he had to fork over a lot of credit to get that shitbox of a car twice a week so Dorit can pretend she’s rich enough to justify being on my TV. The friendployee has a real accent. Bold.
They’re going to be personally trained today by “a womeen PKeh meht and wahked out wath!” PK worked out? That’s huge news why are you just telling people now? Warn us next time girl, we’re on like seventy kajillion fault lines in this town. I’d of taped down my tortillas.
The trainer is fucking terrifying. Imagine Mickey Rourke as The Wrestler eating a lesbian, shitting out the Hulk, and then Shit Out Hulk taking a forty year nap inside a really large roasting oven. PK sees a woman with muscles like this and he’s not thinking “I should exercise more”, he’s thinking “that bitch has a really good drug dealer” cuz that shit ain’t natural.
Dorit giggles and does squats and talks about how working out is different in Los Angeles than it is in New York. But how is it in Milan, Dorit? How is it…in MILAAAAANNNNN. I can’t stand this fuckwit. The only reason I finished watching the scene was to see if the trainers nuts come untucked. They don’t. BOOOOOO.
Erika is at CBS for her Young and the Restless audition. Wait. Audition? I thought she got a role for her birthday? Who gives someone an audition as a damn gift? This makes me glad Erika didn’t feed anyone at that party.
She’s really nervous and tells us that auditioning is an art form, but so is using your vagina as a canon to shoot midgets over crowds at Honda dealerships. She hasn’t been to a proper audition in years, but she still remembers what to do: smile, keep going if you mess up, and when in doubt: swallow your fist.
Eileen is reading with her, so this is a challenge for both of them. It’s a bitch vs bitch scene, and Eileen’s method. It’s gonna be hard to not ask Erika for an apology about the fight in this scene for the next three years. Erika doesn’t want to be mean to Eileen. “Everyone else is. Not me.” LOL. I can only think of Vanderpump, but I’m sure we can only imagine what slights Eileen rotates in her head after every single encounter with people. Eden is giving her a run for her money, but Eileen’s still the queen of “You were mean.” That doesn’t make total sense, but I feel adding rhymes occasionally really rounds out my recaps.
Erika reads the lines pretty well while Eileen tells us what acting is.
The casting chick gives notes and Erika does it again. She sounds like she’s mispronouncing common words, but she does it consistently so it kinda works. They oooh and ahh over her natural ability. “She can make the adjustments and spit out that other character,” Eileen nods. Oh hon. If Erika spat, she’d still be poor. One thing she didn’t do was choke. Practice makes perfect!
Erika leaves the office confident, but not overconfident. “I’m not one who nails the audition,” she coos as she looks around for a producer to nail. Atta girl!
Kyle, glammed out in spanx from the 20’s for her big open mall house, gathers her poor friends who can’t afford transportation to Malibu. PK and Dorit arrive right in time. On the ride there, Kyle tells Dorit, who she knows is a moronic attack dog able to spew her special brand of stupid wherever Kyle aims her, about Eden grating her nerves like the block of cheese she’s been craving since she woke up this morning.
Dorit, still trying to get her drama out in bite sized loglines that can be easily used as weapons, says “Sha game een and sed ya enayblen Keem!” Kyle, who was expecting Dorit to beat around Erika’s bush for half an hour, is shocked it came out that easily. Mauricio pops his head up from the coke tray. “What? Who said that?” he anger mumbles.
“Wha, Eeeden Sassooooon Piladahs Instructah!”
Mauri says that’s crap and Kyle got a sitcom out of her enabling skills so Eden should mind her own damn business. Mauri, you’re getting too fat to get this angry. Shhhhhh. Blood pressure. Kyle, (predictably) pissed, tells him to enable her with another glass of champagne. LOL. Nice work, Dorit! You learn fast!
Over at the soon to be repossessed mall house in Malibu, the girls start to arrive in their flapper costumes. Some people worry that this season will be a wash drama wise, but do not fear! The Roaring Twenties was immediately followed by The Great Depression. In housewives time, that should be four to five episodes. YAY!
The ladies ooh and ahh over Erika’s look. Amazing what costumes she can whip out when invitations explicitly say “Please No Baby Janes Trying to Act Like Child Whores From TLC”. She’s glowy and beautiful. She growls “The best. Duuuuuuuuuuh.” I’m liking this woman.
Kyle, two glasses of champers in, arrives and scans the party for crazy face. Kyle being insecure about her weight and finding a Pilates instructor to fight with is fucking gold. She tells us that she told Eden to back the hell up and she refuses and she’s not gonna be here for a damn therapy session with the loca betch. She’s instructed Kim to refuse help down the stairs so things don’t get dramatic later, and poor thing almost kills herself. She looks like she just got new joints made out of silly puddy. Notice the semi hidden yellow triangular CAUTION sign to her right. LOL.
Hey look Kahl A’hm doin tha Macarena down thstrsz.
One of my favorite songs, Kim Richards Walks Down Stairs Clown Theme, plays as she wobbles carefully down. I have to replay that shit thirty times. I’d like to think Eden is watching this at home telling the TV “You did this to yourself.”
Kyle is worried about hidden ice sculptures and dark oceans and the lifespan of her Fatburger Truck friend. Thankfully, Twitch finds her and gets her mind off things that don’t matter by reminding her of things that matter even less.
“Hey Kahl I wuz gummin’ inzide and then there was ztairs and I waslag ahmagah KAHL! I feld tha zame way I fald like when I’z firzt pregnant lige ahmagodz KAHL but I didn’t fall down the ztairs thiz tahm I wend one zteb atta tahm lige thad zitgom One Zteb at a Tahm member when I waz the ztar of thad? I saw I’m cummin’ bag on thad show on the Nedvlixz KAHL!”
Eden approaches them and kneels down. Did I mention they’re sitting? Still weird, but not as. She puts her hands on her heart and Kyle gives this look.
Eden says that she looks at these sisters and gets emotional because it reminds her of the sister she pressed IGNORE on all those years ago. Sometimes straight to voicemail means straight to die town. Let’s pray and possibly scissor each other until we either cry or fall asleep. Who’s with me?
Kyle is over it. She just told Hamster Brandi to keep her nose to herself and now it’s so far up in Kyle’s business that she’s gonna smell the Cheetos and whipped cream she had for breakfast. She doesn’t wanna make up with Eden because she fears the long hard hug.
Eden continues that she’s been projecting her own emotions onto their relationship and sees that it’s not right. Wow. So that was basically an apology. From Eden of all people. I honestly didn’t see that coming.
Unfortunately for her and fortunately for the rest of us, it’s too late, betch! Instead of hugging Eden and saying they’re all sisters in a way and she can be disappointed in Kim too now if she wants, Kyle goes “Um I thought you were mad at my sister’s behavior at the Singing Squatter Party.” Kim snorts. “Mah bayavyer? What’d a do? Sing too on pitch er zomethin? Comma Comin Leon iz one a mah biggezt hits uh all tahmz! No one get’s mad at Comma Comin Leon!”
Eden is confused. Not that Kim thinks she’s Boy George, but that Kyle is mad when Eden has her hands on her heart. Did the woman not hear her?
Kyle: And by the way, I’m not an enabler.
Oh, so NOW you wanna fight? Eden literally rolls her head and snaps it back.
Leave it to Kyle to declare war while her opponent is on their knees. It’s not really fair play, but hey. At least Kyle doesn’t lose often!
Kim laughs “No one zeez how mudje Kahl doezn’n enlabel me. I’m lige Kahl! There’z a labelz on thiz drezz and she juss ignorez me and magez me zay zorry to the lady at Ross.”
Eden explains to us what she means. Kyle will ignore stuff that’s going on with Kim until something big happens and then she’ll try to help clean up the mess. Um no. A. That’s not what enabling is and B. Mind your own fuckin business. And while we’re at it, how you gonna say you’re sober when you take Xanax? Bitch please. I’d tell you to take a seat, but Kim’s gonna take at least three home and I don’t want Kyle to be in trouble with the party rentals people.
Rinna and Eileen watch this convo happen and try to guess what’s being said.
Rinna: Eden, I’d love it if you’d be less gorgeous and own more fat on your body baby cuz you’re too gorgeous to live on the same planet as Lisa Rinna BABY!
Eileen: And Kyle, I’d like to say that I agree with the entire world that Eileen deserves a proper apology from Lisa Vanderpump with very specific bulletpoints and a promise to make her feel less like a husband stealer and more like an intelligent brave woman with a fantastic modern kitchen.
PK tells Rinna and Eileen that they’re like the two old man Muppets who make fun of everyone. They take offense to that because those dudes are really old and fug. To PK, they’re a step up and neither one of them had to buy man spanx to fit into their suits, so I think he means it as a compliment.
Back over with the Witchards and Eden Sassoon Pilates Instructor, Kyle is asking why this conversation is brought up over and over again. Eden does what everyone in a corner does on these shows, she aims the blame hose elsewhere. “Ask your friends! Everyone asks me how I feel about Kim!” LOL WHAT? Kyle’s botox veins are about to explode. “WHO?” Cut to Lisa Rinna saying Kim’s a smidge away from death.
Eden tells us that Rinna is the one who came to her about Twitch’s problems in the first place and “Where is Rinna now?” Well hopefully she’s moved on from Kim’s addiction and is about to launch into an intervention with PK about his binge eating disorder. There’s a lot of broken glass to glue back together at this party, give the woman her time.
Shoes. Legs. Knees. A thin man in a glitter dress with a long cigarette followed down the stairs by a Roomba that can even pick up dust bunnies in stair creases. Lisa Vanderpump is heah dahlings! Everyone oohs and ahhs at the Roomba being able to make it down the flight more gracefully than Kim. Vanderpump hugs Kyle and tells us that she’s here because “That’s what friends do. And don’t you forget it, Richards!” Well if she does, at least we know you won’t. This has been added to the list “Everything Ken and I Have Done For You” on Vanderpump’s Echo.
Vanderpump air kisses the girls and tells Rinna “Sorry I didn’t make it to your barbecue.” Rinna laughs like a jar of pennies caught in a lawnmower. “No you aren’t! And I’m not sorry you didn’t make it either!” HAHAH. The low temp shade between these two is becoming quite enjoyable.
Pump sits with the girls and compliments Erika on being fucking gorgeous in that “Thanks for not dressing like a victim of human trafficking tonight dahling” tone she takes. Erika compliments her back. “I love this…illusion on you. Very regal.” Vanderpump retorts “It’s been said before. Now don’t try to steal my crown.”
Vanderpump apparently got into the box of Pump Sangria in the trunk on her way over, and I love it. She’s here to smoke a really long cigarette and fuck with people. This is when she’s at her best. It inspires the gays. Cue PK’s interruption to stand on the edges of her bitch spotlight.
He asks Erika “Ah ya gonna be kinda to my wife now? Less cold?” As if he hasn’t been vag shaming Erika for months now. I truly hate this man. I’ve said it once and I’ve said it a million times: You’re too fat to be a housewife. Someone clear him.
Erika laughs it off and says she’s a cold fish until she gets to know you. Until then, “I’m kinda a cunt.” A fuck you to PK and to Vanderpump in one word. Nice work, EJ! Pump, having already been down this road, sees the young broken ho she wanted to mentor in the first place shining through. She smiles big. “A what, dahling?”
“A CUNT!” Erika growls. Vanderpump smiles bigger. “I would agree with you, but I’d be calling you a cunt and I don’t say cunt.” See? Now this is the pair I wanted from the beginning. An old Madame training a hardened pro to become even harder so she can run the bordello. 2017 is the year of my dreams coming true.
Meanwhile, Rinna and Eileen get shitfaced and do the Charleston before stumbling around looking for a place to pee. Rinna says “I love a warm portapoddy!” HAHA. Eileen is mortified. “I don’t like portapoddies. I don’t trust them!” Eileen took a stance on portapoddies guys. Tell your friends.
The editors cut Erika’s mistrust of people together with Eileens distrust of portapoddies. I mean, this show.
Camille asks Kim “How aaaaare yoooooooou duh?” Kim’s all “Wow. Woah. Oooh. Woah. Yeah. Wow.” These two should start a band together.
Before you know it, all the girls are together asking Kim how she is in that “Are you drunk right now or do you wish you were drunk or can we help you not get drunk right now even though you probably want to?” voices. She snorts and “woah”s a lot. Erika announces that she feels protective of Twitch and roots for her. “It’s not easy when a new bitch comes in and tries to stick it to ya.” Everyone cheers that sentiment, so Eileen brings in the wet blanket to throw on top. “You have to know this, we’re all on your side.”
Twitch snorts and nods her head, which Eileen takes as a “Thank you for your kindness and I’m sure Vanderpump is truly sorry.” Twitch tells us she’d like Eileen if she’d call a Rinna a Rinna and mind her own bees every once in awhile. “Guz otherwize, ya asg everyone elze to mind yer beez and then they die and WHERE’MAH GONE GED MA HONEY KAHL?”
Eden sits with Vanderpump, who is smoking her second carton of cigarettes of the night. Dang girl. Eden, like she’s just gotten NOTHING from every single person in Malibu, sighs “Ooooh, Vanderpump.”
Vanderpump tells her to lighten up and snap out of it. “What do you have to worry about?” To Lisa, if you’re not spending days bringing flowers to restaurants or threatening slutty waiters in their forties to fire them if they keep stealing goat cheese balls, you don’t have a life. I mean in Eden’s case, she’s right, but still. Eden starts rehashing old non drama, but she’s not really into it any more after just getting her ass handed to her by the Witchards. “It all started at game night…”
Lisa stops her. “That’s not your business and Kyle is a good sister to the twitchy one.” She tells us read my lips, sweetie. Uh oh. She’s getting all Bush on this betch now. She tells Eden that she gets that her sister passed and it sucks, but she can’t keep trying to act out and get people to press IGNORE when she calls to punish herself forever. It jacks up everyone else’s phone bill and it’s not fair.
Eden tries to yap, so Lisa stops her again. “We got off on the right foot, and I’m happy about that. But my other foot will kick you in the ass if you come for my girl Kyle.” BAM. Eden hamster blinks and Lisa takes another long drag off that fucking cigarette. There could only be one thing to end this scene perfectly, so let’s just pretend it happens.
Mikey pops up behind their bench and snaps “YAAAAAASSSS BETCH! EVERYTHAAAAAAAANG!”