Previously, on the show that is now making MisRed detest Doritos for the mere fact that you can’t spell Doritos without spelling Dorit: Teddi threw a Glam Circle and Dorit was supremely offended when the bartender served her Rose in a champagne glass, Teddi tried to clear the air with Dorit about leaving her sitting at Plan Check for 54 minutes, but Dorit was not having it. She thinks Teddi is being ridiculous. They both agree to drop the issue until Dorit brings it up again 17 seconds later. LVP and Ken are in a lawsuit over Vanderpump Dogs and Dorit gave Camille a half apology for calling her a “stupid c*nt” but Camille is wary. Rinna is protecting her kids with white bubbles. Let’s carry on, shall we? Surely we won’t be rehashing old fights this week… right?
Anyone else see the blind item that Erika and Tom are getting divorced? I mean, he’s probably tired of buying $5k ugly-ass track suits.
Big Mistake. BIG.
Erika meets Kyle to go shopping at Boulmiche, which is the store that kicked Julia Roberts out in Pretty Woman. The irony of this is not lost on MisRed.
Kyle is SO EXCITED to be able to wear velvet all year round. OMG!!!! That is so exciting. MisRed can hardly contain herself.
Kyle asks after Tom (aka Mr. G aka Erika’s bankroll), as he is recovering from surgery stemming from an automobile accident. She says she has loved caring for him even though he can be a little bratty. Erika says that her life changed drastically when she met Tom, she met him when she was a cocktail waitress and he was her customer. She served him whiskey sours for a whole year before they went on a date.
She rescues him right back…
She says she WAS Pretty Woman. MisRed may or may not have embellished the Whiskey Sour part, but isn’t that what all 95 year olds drink?
Erika’s face though…
Erika recounts her experience driving Paganis with Dorit and they start to talk about the surprise party Dorit is throwing for PK. Erika says it’s a 007 party. Oh dear.
We flash back to Dorit telling Erika that PK is “like my James Bond.”
Is she dyslexic? Maybe she means 700, as in pounds?
James Bond? Please. PK can’t even afford a bond… Is that PK’s bank balance? $.007? More like James Pawned. See MisRed made a cleaver rhyme?
Erika says that she enjoyed hanging out with Dorit and that there wasn’t “that air of pretention.” Uh yeah, no pretention test driving $3,000,000 cars. Erika thinks they had the chance to really communicate.
“A hickie from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card, when you only care enough to send the very best!”
Erika only dropped $300, on a jacket that looks like a left over from a High School Production of Grease.
Rinna is dehydrated. Thanks for the newsflash. Rinna is going back on Days for a couple of days. Rinna says that if you are over 40 in Hollywood, you better find something else to do, because it’s a town run by 20 year olds. So, she, early on, took jobs that most people wouldn’t. Oh, like Melrose Place? Or is she referring to her Depends commercial?
During a meeting with her assistant- who looks like an “everyday version” of that vapid, vacant Crystal on The Bachelor- anybody? Anybody?
Or as they call her on Rose Pricks- Crystal Meth- which couldn’t be more fitting- Rinna gets an email from “the udder one” saying that Harry Hamlin said they could get a puppy. Their current dog, Lola, is 10, for anyone who cares.
Rocio is gonna need a raise (yes, MisRed knows her name isn’t Rocio)
So, Rinna calls the housekeeper in to let her know she will now be raising a puppy in addition to being a rodent wrangler.
Down at Del Mar… LVP and Teddi meet to ride horses. LVP brings her horses down to Del Mar and stays at the Fairmont so she can spend the night next to her horse. It’s something she can’t do at home because her horse is at a stable 45 minutes away. I didn’t know Lisa kept Ken at a stable… that’s a little sad.
They trot around. We learn that LVP’s horse only speaks French. Ken serves them tea..
LVP thanks Teddi for the Spa day but admits it was the least relaxing day ever, and Teddi agrees. Teddi says she doesn’t like to feel that she needs to be something she isn’t in order to make people happy. She then reveals that she has a beach house in Dana Point and she would LOVE to have people down to the beach house, but she wouldn’t do it now. She doesn’t want to have to worry about what wine goes in what glass. You know what MisRed agrees.
Teddi’s Beach House
LVP asked who minded that they got their wine in the wrong glass? Teddi refuses to say, but Ken jumps in and says, “It wouldn’t be Dorit, she doesn’t care what wing goes in what glass.” Ken, go back to your stable.
Is Annie, indeed, okay, Dahling?
Dorit goes to see the yacht she is hiring for PJ’s party. LVP joins her- apparently straight form the set of a remake of Michael Jacksons Smooth Criminal video.
I want a party that’s going to put us even deeper into bankruptcy than we already are!!!
In her interview, Dorit wants the party to be EXTRAVAGANT and believes the proper amount to spend on a birthday party is “somewhere between a Range Rover and a Rolls Royce.” For those playing at home- that is somewhere between $85k to $250k. For the record, Dorit is broke, she spent her last $3 on that cheap-ass-nylon Farrah Fawcett wig at Halloween Town.
OH, she announces that she and PK are going to fly OVER the boat in a helicopter. They won’t LAND on the boat. The point being? No idea.
The party is set for a time when people will be coming right in the middle of rush hour- great Dorit. Way to think of your guests.
LVP thinks that Dorit needs to focus on this party and she sometimes finds her a bit scattered. Well that’s because Dorit is so broke she can’t even pay attention.
THANK YOU! MISRED WILL BE HERE ALL WEEK!! TWO SHOWS ON SUNDAY!!! TRY THE VEAL!!
Dorit then breaks the news to LVP that Boy George wants her to do a duet with him at PK’s party- he wants them to sing “Fever.” LVP is like… Okaaaaay.
Of course, Dorit called Erika to ask for her advice on the topic. You know it’s the next step in Dorit trying to steal Erika’s life… she’ll throw PK from a moving car next so he can get the same surgery as Mr. G.
We get a flash to Erika saying that of course she and Mikey can help her – give her some movement tips. MisRed can’t WAIT to see Dorit pat the puss.
LVP gives Dorit some advice, as a good friend, don’t do it. “Don’t embarrass yourself. Have you seen the kinds of moves she does- crawling around on all fours with her ass in the air?”
In her talking head Dorit says that LVP should really be ENCOURAGING her.
No, she shouldn’t. She is trying to be a good friend. If my main gay told me he wants to strut around in a banana hammock- I wouldn’t encourage him, his ass is too fat for that. THAT is being a good friend.
The convo turns to Teddi and how LVP went horseback riding with her. Dorit says “PLEASE don’t tell me she’s still bothered about me being late…”
Bothered by the fact that you are a twatwaffle, Dorit.
No Dorit, you are the one that holds onto the smallest of the small, or the largest of the large if we bring PK into the mix.
LVP says that she thinks Teddi feels uncomfortable entertaining at her house, and that “someone was worried about what glass they were drinking out of.”
Uh oh. Let MisRed her popcorn, hang on.
Dorit admits to it being she who was offended by the Glass. LVP is like- Oh, I had no idea it was you. LVP goes on to say that some people are not as comfortable around the lavish type of lifestyle… and Dorit interrupts “My friends don’t do thing they don’t want to do to try to impress someone. And if you are, you’re already putting the wrong foot forward.”
Oh right, being a BIG FAT FAKE is YOUR gig, right Dorit? Because you really think you should be spending 6 digits on a birthday party for that dough-faced-man-baby you married when you are broke? Oh, and btw, no way is that lopsided barrel of goo only 50 years old!
Dorit, of course, goes off the rails saying she didn’t think there was a problem… and LVP Is like- there is NO PROBLEM, but Teddi just doesn’t feel comfortable. Dorit asks why she is doing it (having guests) if she doesn’t feel comfortable? Well she didn’t feel UNCOMFORTABLE, DORIT, until you made her feel UNCOMFORTABLE in her own home by insulting her hired bartender’s f*cking stemware choice.
Dorit explains that she DOES pay attention to those thing- glasses and such.
LVP interview that simply because one enjoys the finer things in life doesn’t mean one should put down those that don’t or haven’t. But LVP doesn’t really think that Teddi should have been insulted by Dorit.. UGH. Dorit says that she finds Teddi “to be a bit tightly wound.” Says the woman who can’t function whilst drinking out of the wrong-style glass.
For f*cks sake, we are not even 15 minutes into this torture.
Kyle and Mauricio meet Tedwin for dinner. Kyle is a little late- Teddi says that she didn’t even notice BECAUSE she wasn’t siting there alone. Kyle interviews that in Bev Hills there is a 10-minute grace period because traffic is unpredictable- thanks Captain Obvious- and in other news, water is wet. BUT 15-20 minutes late makes you RUDE.. Hear that DORIT?!?!?
Eh, it’s a throw-away scene, but we do learn that PK’s party is on a Wednesday. Hmmm, so maybe a little closer to the Range Rover, are we Dorit, dear? Who has a lavish birthday party on a Wednesday?
This is fashion.
In another throw away scene, where it looks like Dorit’s kid has taken a sharpie to a “Gucci” tank top Dorit is wearing. The tank top says “Common Sense Is Not That Common.”
Indeed it is not that common…
$450 for a TANK TOP?? Dorit should be ashamed of herself. That’s disgusting.
Speaking of disgusting, PK shows off his new glasses.
Too bad we can still see his face.
If Dorit thinks he looks like James Bond, perhaps she should be wearing the glasses.
Let’s plan how to stir the pot…
Rinna goes over to Kyle’s house for no other reason than to talk sh*t, it would appear. They discuss PK’s party and how it’s on a boat. Rinna is like “I hate boats.” We review all of the RHOBH boat situations over the years… like when Brandi slapped LVP on a boat in Amsterdam.
One who dared slap The Vanderpump
When Rinna and LVP got into it on a boat in Dubai…
The World Thanks You, Rinna
and when Rinna told Dorit to “F*ck off” on a junk boat in Hong Kong (MisRed’s personal favorite, wish she had tossed Dorit overboard, personally.)
They also discuss a text invite they got from Teddi who has invited them to her beach house. Wait, MisRed thought Teddy wasn’t doing that? She says, in the text, that they can stay at her house or at a nearby hotel (which ever option they are more comfortable) and she will have wine and margs and it’s going to be a pot luck. It’s a test that attempts to cover Teddi’s ass in every conceivable scenario, except one- these betches don’t cook!
Take MisRed’s word- at least in Texas- pot lucks don’t work out. It’s like pulling teeth to get anyone to bring ANYTHING. MisRed’s Mom taught her to never go anywhere empty-handed, apparently they don’t teach that everywhere. I had a Friendsgiving last year for 35 people- and 4 days before the event, I was like “I’m never doing this again.” A) People never RSVP B) People are pissed when you ask them to bring something- because MisRed, apparently, is supposed to feed and water everyone on her own dime C) People who are supposed to come don’t show up- but don’t text you until 5 minutes before they are supposed to be there, if they text at all. D) The jackass that I had assigned to bring (yes, MisRed eventually just ASSIGNED people various items to bring) chips and crackers, showed up 3 hours late. So, any appetizer that required a chip or a cracker as a vehicle to get from the platter to the mouth, SAT THERE UNTOUCHED. And when he finally DID show up he brought BEAN CHIPS. WTF is MIsRed supposed to do with Bean Chips? Bring a goddamn bag of Fritos and some f*cking Wavy Lays and call it a day. And then his kid stuffed turkey down the side of my chair cushions… NEVER AGAIN. BTW, MisRed is throwing a crawfish boil for a friend next week and is already NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN.
MisRed RANT over.
But Kyle and Rinna do laugh at it being a pot luck- like what on earth would LVP and Dorit bring to a pot luck? Maybe Dorit can bring the bowl of vomit she served Teddi a few weeks back.
Erika and Mikey arrives at SIR. Oh, wait, not SUR, but SIR. Dorit and Boy George are rehearsing “Fever.” Erika tells her that the more into the song she is, the better it will come off.
Ok. Ok. We see what you are failing to do…
Then Dorit, in her interview, says, in full-on-faux-Cockney, the funniest thing MisRed has ever heard “My God, what a gift to be able to give to PK to see two of his best friends in the world standing there belting it out for him. He deserves it.” Bahahahahahahahaahahahahaha
Ok, let MisRed think about it… what would be a better gift? So many options. Hmmmm, I’ll give you the Top Ten.
- A 4-hour cavity search at an airport in North Korea
- Being served a 3-day old, half-eaten piece of fish you previously saw laying in the street
- Roséout of the wrong glass
- A ball of burnt skin
- My sister’s childhood toenail-clipping collection
- A dead cat
- Being kidnapped by a Mexican Drug Cartel
- Hair in your food
- Sitting alone at a restaurant for 54 minutes
MisRed can’t, she can’t anymore…
Erika gives Dorit pointers. Pretty sure Dorit’s vagina will be patted at some point in all of this… and Erika tells her to just pretend she’s hooking on Sunset. Which, you know, could happen if PK continues to manage his finances the way he has been.
And poor Boy George… having to appear on RHOBH with Dorit? You know that old saying Karma Chameleon is a bitch.
Ok it’s party day, and apparently Dorit has told PK that they are going to a casual dinner. Yet, she is in a full-length evening gown and lays out his tuxedo rental from Men’s Warehouse.
Puhleeze, we have eyeballs that need protection from this kind of horror
He comes out of the bathroom and is like, why am I wearing THAT? It’s a little over the top for dinner, don’t you think? And P.S. Close that robe PK, nobody, and MisRed means NOBODY wants to see your gelatinous décolletage.
BTW, MisRed LOVES the ghetto-ass Walmart Rolling rack where you keep your clothes…very fancy.
Captured PK at his most attractive… completely blurred
Dorit says that she has a lot to do… she has to GET him TO the party. THEN get him ONTO the helicopter, THEN from the helicopter ONTO a yacht, THEN onto a speedboat to ANOTHER yacht. Honey, YOU aren’t ACTUALLY doing ANY of these things- other people are.
People start showing up at the Marina and no joke, the gang-plank to get down to the water is treacherous, and these women are in stilettos. Great planning, Dorit. LVP says that it will be funny to see her try to get back UP the ramp after some champagne. She’s likely to go “ass over tit.” Love that expression.
Not quite as gross…
Everyone is on board the yacht- even PK’s brother who seems slightly less smarmy than PK. I mean, hard to be more, is MisRed right?
The boat leaves the dock.
Dorit and PK get on the helicopter. On the yacht, the party planner announces that PK is flying over the boat in a helicopter… <eyeroll>
Extra. Extra. Extra. BINGO.
The helicopter lands on another yacht and then PK and Dorit get into a more fitting vessel for their budget… a rubber dinghy. OH, that will match the rubber check Dorit is going to write for this whole shindig.
Dorit and PK finally arrive on the yacht, PK is overwhelmed to see his parents and cries like a little bitch. Ok, MisRed doesn’t completely LOATHE PK at this one single moment.
LVP has her face in a bowl of caviar. Mauricio shows up late- not sure how he got to the boat.
Dorit is nervous to sing. OMG her tits are f*cking terrifying. Honey, sue that plastic surgeon for a refund and then cut his hands off so he can’t do this to anyone else. Those things are offensive.
The guest go up to the casino level of the boat, while Erika coaches Dorit on her performance.
Dorit, you have the talent of a skid mark but lets try to make it work… pat the puss?
Erika is being really encouraging- but I’m sure Dorit will turn on her at some point and use it against her.
A new low for Boy George
Dorit takes the mic- oh God. And she and Boy George start their “performance.”
MisRed has seen tree sloths with sexier moves.
Straight from Canal Street
Dorit wound up getting PK some kind of watch. Probably a fake and will probably turn his wrist green.
How dare you complain about my complaining!
Dorit asks Teddi to sit down and talk. Dorit says that she likes Teddi, but that she heard from LVP that Teddi was complaining about Dorit complaining about the glass she was drinking from.
Teddi, in her talking head, is like “UGHHHHHHH, HERE WE GO AGAIN!??!!”
There is some back and forth but the crux is, Teddi wants Dorit to be able to appreciate their differences and to be able to LIKE her because of those differences. Teddi says she is impressed by the party Dorit threw for PK, but it’s just not something she would ever do. But she can still appreciate it.
Then Kyle and LVP show up to start the stirring procedure…
Brits and Faux Brits...
vs. Celebrity Relatives
LVP gives Teddi a lesson in Glass Etiquette and of course Dorit is like “THANK YOU LISA!!”
Teddi says “I feel like I’m getting talked down to right now.”
Dorit and LVP say that it’s simple etiquette. Yes. It is. But you know what else is etiquette? Not making people feel like crap over stupid, insignificant things like a bartender’s choice of glass. It’s literally the stupidest thing MisRed has ever heard and trust- MisRed has a Doctorate in Stupid Sh*t. (It’s a four-year program at an Ivy League, inbox MisRed if you want the details. Love you.)
Dorit wonders how she became the villain in all of this. Um, right when you started acting like an asshole over the glass. And can you write it down this time, you seem to be asking this question a lot this season.
Kyle tries to come to Teddi’s defense and Dorit says “Are you her mouthpiece? Are you her spokesperson?”
Kyle is like- No, but we are all sitting here talking together. Dorit corrects her that No, they aren’t, it’s Teddi and she talking, not the group.
Kyle wonders why it’s okay for LVP to speak and not her. “Are we only allowed to speak if we are backing Dorit?”
Then Dorit accuses Teddi of saying that she (Dorit) couldn’t focus on a conversation because of the glass… which is EXACTLY what happened MisRed might add, she had to LEAVE a convo with Rinna because of the incorrect glass. Then Dorit says that Teddi “is not only exaggerating, but flat-out LYING! You are making shit up!! You are psycho. You are psycho, honestly.”
Teddi is like- I just don’t care.
Then Dorit focuses on Kyle- drinking a glass of water. And Kyle goes “I’m drinking WATER out of a WINE glass- can you BELIEVE?” BAHAHA Kyle interviews that this is a circular conversation and that Teddi keeps saying she’s fine, but she isn’t and Dorit will never shut up about it.
LVP and Kyle leave and Teddi is like “Can we just let it go and get over it?”
Dorit replies that she’s not going to get over it if Teddi “keeps acting like a psycho bitch.”
Dorit, you might want to check yo-self before you wreck yo-self, honey. The psycho here is you, my dear.
Then continues “You are a little too high-strung, it’s a glass.”
Um, yeah, exactly. Dorit is the only one blowing the situation out of proportion.
Next time- PK tells Dorit that Boy George only likes to sing with singers who can’t sing. Bahahah High-Five to MisRed, you slimy jelly pig- that was funny. And there’s some other argument between LVP, Dorit, Kyle, the tablecloth and possibly a ficus tree.
Who can keep up with these petty, bullsh*t fights? Remember the days when we fought about doing meth in the bathroom all night?
Ahhh, the good old days.
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