Don’t change your television stations. This is Real Housewives of Atlanta. You probably thought it was Hoarders because we’re back at Porsha’s wig and air mattress mausoleum of a house. She’s a toddler vegan now and has a chef coming in to teach her how to make new dishes now that she’s mastered Minute Rice.
She’s invited Kim because she’s the only one besides Sheree who’s desperate enough to film with her. I assume Sheree wasn’t invited because she won’t be able to fill up her gas tank until Bob’s alimony check posts. As usual, Kroy waits outside for Kim so he maintains his record as the most chauffeuringest post-NFL chauffeur to ever live.
Kim tried the vegan lifestyle but she gave it up almost immediately like she did her singing career, cancer diagnosis and proper mothering. Porsha gives her an apron but Kim says she only wears her outfits once anyway. Atlanta readers: keep an eye out for collagen streaked, stretched out blouses at your local Neiman Marcus.
Porsha tells Kim about the Houston trip and how horrible Kenya was to Shamea and Cynthia. They mock Cynthia for going after Kenya because neither one has ever maintained a friendship and much like original boobs, it’s a foreign concept to them. Kim throws out the tired line about Kenya not really being married, not having kids and not getting laid. Porsha tells her that Kenya actually did get boned in a truck by her ex. This must be Kim’s trigger word because she immediately runs outside to take Kroy a plate of food. Free food for her and the driver? This is Sheree level mooching.
Kandi takes adorable little Ace to Revel, the location for her Essence magazine cover party. DonJuan and Carmon want to play “Pin the Tail on Porsha” at the party which is dumb. You’d just have to listen for an African accent and her ass would be there, ready for the pinning.
Porsha has not been invited to the party but Kandi insists that DonJuan does so. She wants Porsha to see “the glow up” which translates to “the producers made me and you know I won’t turn down a check”. They discuss Shamea making up with Porsha and they think that the whole trip was a PR stunt to cast Porsha in a better light. I think she’s up to 25 watts which is great cuz now it matches her SAT score.
Cynthia is making sushi for Will while Mal, who’s on the phone, is impressed. She thinks that they must be getting close because Cynthia doesn’t let anyone come to the house. For goodness sake, she’s a model and she does her own leafblowing!
Will comes over and the sushi making is a fail but for one thing. He asks Cynthia if she washed her hands furthering my Cynthia Bailey May Stink theory. Fortunately, Cynthia is aware that those cheekbones are made for ordering GrubHub and she has a stash of sushi in the fridge for their sexy parasite exchange.
Will wants to date Cynthia and have a family. Ugh, I am not in the mood for a Fifty One Cynt storyline featuring Kenya carrying Cynthia’s late in life mood baby for Will. She’s not starting a family and Will is a weirdo. Next!
Oh wait…Cynthia doesn’t immediately shoo him away so she can peruse Reader’s Digest and think of new ways to increase her fiber intake. She entertains this nonsense! She tells him that she planned to date for one year but he’s ruining that plan with his love for Cynthia Bailey Eyewear and not dressing in a Norbit costume to take her to a chicken coop for dirty picture time.
She reveals that she is still on a dating site and Will is totally against that. He says that he just doesn’t want to get hurt again which is totally psycho/man-speak for “I will hurt you”. He tells her to get the “dating” out of her system and he’ll be there, waiting in her bushes, when she’s done.
Eva Marcille finally makes her debut in a scene with NeNe. The streets say that Eva was brought on so late because the producers were trying to phase out Kenya. Eva is on the show because her new man lives in Atlanta and is running for mayor. In real time, he dropped out and backed someone else who lost so their political capital is worth about as much as NeNe’s personal information to identity thieves.
Eva won ANTM years ago and has a daughter with Kevin McCall, a rapper, singer and first rate douchebag. He’s been in blogs for getting shot in the foot, having beef with Chris Brown and most notably disowning his 3 year old daughter with Eva because: see douchebag comment above.
Eva is very hapy with her new man and says that she’s totally different than any other woman he’s ever dated. Apparently when he has a cold, Eva gives him garlic and a stake through the heart or something like that. It’s all very modern.
Kenya and her cousin Che go shopping for a birthday present for Marc. She is purchasing an exercise machine which seems odd for a birthday present to your secret husband of just a few months. He loves New York but she thinks that Atlanta is better for them to raise kids. She’s hoping that this 500 pound piece of exercise equipment is enough to entice him to visit more often because a whole wife isn’t quite enough.
Kenya shares with us that being married is so different than being single. Now she has to be sexy, keep the house together and buy large quantities of washing powder. First of all, that sounds like standard adulting. Second, is washing powder really that high on the list of marital priorities? Third, go ‘head Kenya Cleaver! She’s living her life like it’s the golden age of patriarchy. I’m actually secretly concerned. She says Marc is an alpha male and they bought a stick shift car together although she didn’t want it. I’m just over here counting down until they become a Nightline episode.
It’s time for Kandi’s party and Porsha is about as welcome as she would be at a Me Too convention. I know people are on Kandi’s case about not getting over the allegations from last season but we are watching entire careers and families implode throughout the industry for the same or lesser accusations. DonJuan calls out Shamea who walked right past him. He calls her phony and she denies it. She’s simply an opportunist who needs a free hair hookup now and then.
Porsha eventually congratulates Kandi at Shamea’s urging but it’s awkward. Kandi resorts to physically placing people between them so she doesn’t get accused of trying to slip pork rinds into her Hennessy. Kenya brings flowers for Kandi because married women should always carry around a spare bouquet.
Will greets Kenya with “what’s going on gorgeous?”. Nope, not down for that. That just reeks of lip licking player. Meanwhile, NeNe and Eva are in the car recalling NeNe’s glory days of being on magazine covers and having employment outside of Bravo. Eva reveals her relevance which is that she knows Will and he had a girlfriend as recently as a few months ago. What I don’t understand is, as much politicking as her man was doing, why would Will stand out to either one of them? Eva makes it clear that they only met the one time. She throws him a bone and says that maybe they broke up that night. It’s perfectly logical. I break up with guys and date supermodels within 48 hours all. Of. The time.
Dixie Cup Kim arrives with her wig and slur in tow. I’m sure Kroy is waiting right outside the doors with a Ziploc bag for the leftovers and if necessary, self-strangulation. Kim gifted one of her friends a Kandi-Koated vibrator and feels it necessary to share this info with her former friend at this super loud event. I suppose nothing says friendship like the imagined gentle buzz of a friend’s marital aide.
Peter arrives dressed in his best Temptations blazer. Cynthia finds out that he’s there and she’s shocked. Peter spies Cynthia and “vanilla” Will or Vawilla for short.
NeNe arrives and doesn’t speak to Kim and Sheree. Todd makes a speech to introduce Kandi and mentions that despite how horrible Kim, Kroy and Porsha are, they were lucky enough to score an invite to the party because his wife is so wonderful. Kandi and Todd would be better off hiring Anthony Scaramucci to write their speeches.
Kandi says that she appreciates everyone there including the ones who took her places she never thought she’d go. Does anyone else think she’s referring to the all night invite only Cracker Barrel fried pancake-a-thon? Also, Kim is brought to tears by this strange insult thank you speech combo. Then again, she might have been tearing up when she got the text from Kroy asking why she only gave him three stars on Uber.
Peter ends up leaving because it’s 47 percent harder to swindle Cynthia when she’s getting dick. NeNe gathers the women , minus Sheree, Porsha and Kim, to discuss the Will situation. Kenya hears enough to tell Cynthia what’s going on but NeNe is annoyed that she can’t ruin her friend’s life on camera first and chases them down. Pretty soon, all of the women are outside like it’s recess in the 7th grade and they just found out that Jonathan totally french kissed Melissa under the bleachers. If it sounds personal – it’s cuz it is.
Cynthia says that she saw a picture of him with Eva on the night in question. Eva says that the woman was supposedly close to his daughter. Cynthia tells them that she receives this because she’s a 1989 Brother fax machine. Will approaches to explain but Kenya pulls him aside before he uses his vanilla beans to turn Cynthia into a bigger pile of mush.
Cynthia says that she doesn’t want to date him if he has a girlfriend. Will never really denies it – he just says that they’ve talked about this and he doesn’t want to be ambushed. Eva says that they don’t know him but he made it seem like he was on the campaign trail with them. The producers are amazing and give us flashbacks to ten and thirty minutes ago of Will’s lies. He wishes Eva would’ve talked to him first because everything was “perfect with us”. Sounds like a killer to me.
Porsha, Sheree and Kim finally make their way outside. Cynthia’s barefoot, Dixie Cup Kim is still shoving hors’d oeuvres in her purse and Will excuses himself while announcing that he’s so not going to rock the vote for Michael Sterling. Cynthia tells the women that she will always want to know any information they have on a person she’s dating. Porsha pipes up but we have to wait until next week to hear the rest. It’s going to be a doozy. Word on the street is she might actually use a compound sentence.
Next week, we get more dirt on Will – I assume. Momma Joyce puts Porsha in a chokehold until she agrees to a lunch date and Marlo asks if Kim is allowed to cross state lines with Black women. What’d you think? Is Will misunderstood? Is exercise equipment a good gift? Will promises of pectorals bring Marc home? Why did Cynthia take off her shoes? Love you for reading and commenting!
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