Hey Trashies! Ari Safari here, with the latest installment of TTTV’s own VPR recaps. This week we help you tackle the age-old question: what’s the deal with Scheana’s mouth?
Okay! Let’s get started…
As we open, Stassi is meeting with Lisa, Nathalie, and Alina the Bitchy Stylist, to put together the costumes for this year’s Pride. Lisa says she needs all the hands she can get, even if they are Stassi’s grubby little mitts.
For starters, Stassi says KFC should wear one of the flower tops, because she has huge boobs, thanks to Jax. Alina asks, “She’s pregnant?” Lisa says, “No, he bought her a pair, it’s a long story.” Stassi thinks Scheana and Lala should wear the smaller tops, because they have smaller boobs. Lisa says she knows what Stassi’s up to, she wants to find the meanest, skimpiest little outfits for them. Stassi says to the contrary, it would be nice of her, because they’d look hot.
Lisa says, “Okay, why don’t you wear one of the skimpy tops?” but Stassi begs off, because she has all these scars from her “breast reduction” that might poke out and traumatize little Nikolai watching at home. Then she shares this supposedly cool pic, where one is “reduced” and one is not, and finally, the mystery of why her gazoinkers look bigger is now solved…
“Which one’s the new one?” cracks Lisa, as they’re both the same size, only one’s not hanging down around knee-level all National Geographic anymore.
Now the Toms, Jax and Peter go to The Den Meditation for a Reiki session. As Kelsey the Reiki master kicks things off with a few drops of essential oil, Jax interviews that he thought Reiki was one of those mini Zen gardens from Brookstone, so he’s totally confused.
The boys lie down while Kelsey rings a bell, and touches Jax here and there. Now Kelsey want to know about their “mind”, such as it is. Schwa starts — he says that he’s been getting too drunk, even though he’s been presented with these golden opportunities lately (or perhaps because). Kelsey butts in, “Yeah, you’re fucking them up!” Hmm, she seems not unfamiliar with the show.
She tells Schwa to write down the word “OWNERSHIP”.
Sandy feels like his mind is dulled, so his word is “AWARENESS”.
Peter says he’s always, like, “Go, go, go, go, go,” so he’s supposed to write the word “CONTROL”.
I would have gone with “STOP”, but I’m no expert.
Now it’s Jax’s turn, and he starts crying. He says there are a lot of things going on with him now. She asks if he’s willing to feel afraid, and he says no, which apparently is okay. Then he says he had this great relationship the last two years, and he f*ed it up.
He interviews that through this whole thing, no one’s asked him how he’s doing — he, the cheater, who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself. But now along walks Kelsey, into his heart. Kelsey’s showing him that she cares, and she’s invested in him, and it actually feels pretty good. Ugh, why is there always some ho ready to step in?
Kelsey says, “You will never be able to make anybody else happy, you have to start with yourself.” Then she asks for a hug. “I’m proud of you!” she squeals, as he squashes his kielbasa on her leg.
Jax thanks Peter for taking him to this, and asks, “Do you think Kelsey will let me move in with her, stay at her place for awhile? I could deal with that every single day.”
Now Lala, Ariana, Scheana and Brittany head to the dermatologist, for Botox and whatnot. Lala says she’s been putting Vaseline around her eyes since she was five, to guard against those ugly toddler crow’s feet. Then — cringingly — KFC tells them Jax went to the Reiki mediation thing, and apparently cried the whole time. She interviews, “I’m seeing him put in an effort, and that’s all I ever wanted.” Then she adds, “Oh, and to not cheat on me.”
I wonder how Brit-Brit is doing now that she knows why exactly Jax is so interested in this “rakey” business. Ariana hints, “He felt, like, the girl who did it was really perceptive.” Clearly she’s heard about Jax ‘n’ Kelsey, but she’s learned her lesson, and realizes now is not an appropriate time to, you know, be a friend.
Now the subject turns to the Toca Madera Incident (hereinafter referred to as TMI). Ariana says she’s worried about Scheana because her anxieties are clearly getting the best of her. She shouts to all those people in the back, “It’s not your business!”
“Then get the @#$%^ off my TV!” they shout back.
Scheana says it’s such a deflecting mechanism, because of Schwa’s drunken amnesiac make-out sesh. She says, “Sweetie, that’s your husband, that’s not my boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn’t make out, not even with me.” Scheana girl. This is not a thing to brag about, that your boyfriend (per se) doesn’t kiss you.
Scheana says that when the rumor came out, Rob just laughed and laughed. But now she hasn’t seen him for a few days, and she feels him wanting to pull away — especially when she puckers up. Now she asks, “Can we please just never talk about it again?” KFC says she would love to not talk about it again — at least, not when Scheana’s around.
That evening, Katie, Kristen, KFC and Stassi hit the town, to watch a rooftop screening of La La Land and sh*t-talk Scheana while dressed in the primary colors (and green). This scene has Stassi’s grubby little event-planning mitts all over it.
So while they’re hanging around trash talking Scheana on the rooftop, Chris the Waiter comes up, right on cue, to serve them drinks and flirt with KFC. He’s been to Winchester, Kentucky! He has family in Lexington, no way! Yes, Stassi slipped him a Benjamin at the bar, and now he’s going to set them up with another drink — “something sweet”, he says, looking meaningfully at KFC. KFC interviews that it’s good to know there’s at least one man out there who finds her attractive.
Now Brit tells them Jax is heavy into Reiki. Oh great, can this situation get any more pathetic? Stassi interviews that Jax knows exactly what he’s doing — he’s doing just the bare minimum to keep Brittany around. And he’s probably doing Kelsey, too.
Meanwhile, Lala and Logan join James at Sweet Chick: Chicken and Waffles for some shots — specifically, bourbon and maple syrup. James tells them Raquel’s moving in, then asks if Logan is okay with Raquel. Logan and Lala exchange smirks, then Lala asks, “Didn’t you see how we ate all of Raquel’s pasta at See You Next Tuesday without her permission?” James goes nuts. He screams at Lala how Raquel’s a more beautiful woman than she’ll ever be, and Lala bangs a fat man to pay her rent. Then he snarls that her man will get bored, and move on to the next pretty young blonde.
Lala takes a moment, then lays into him, saying if he keeps this up, he’ll turn around and find her gone. Then she gets up and leaves. Logan urges him to go after her. Outside, James tries to apologize, but ends up hollering about the pasta some more. “It’s not about the pasta!” he repeats, over and over.
Then he interviews — you guessed it — “It’s not about the pasta.” It’s about Lala showing respect to his girlfriend. And if she doesn’t show Raquel respect, he won’t respect her fat, ugly sugar daddy, either.
Elsewhere, the Toms show up at Tom Tom, to put in that sweat equity they promised. They have trash bags, masks, and one of those mechanical grabby claw thingies that Schwa uses to playfully grab at Sandy’s crotch. So the night before, Schwa broke all of Katie’s rules, then passed out on Sandy’s couch. He says he did this “subconsciously” on purpose, without actually remembering it, just to see how she would react.
Then, around 10 in the morning, when he stumbled home bleary-eyed, and stinking of strippers and booze, she was so warm and loving, it caught him off guard. In fact, it made him fall in love with her all over again. They both agree it’s really sexy when their women act like dumdums, and allow their men to mistreat them.
Then he asks Sandy how to put on his mask, because he’s not an engineer — huh, wonder why he said that…?
At the very same moment, Katie’s having mason jar smoothies with Kristen and Stassi, and tells them Schwa broke all the rules, but he did so in such an adorable manner (and while he was doing so, Katie downed three mason jars of pot gummies), so all is right with the world. Kristen can’t believe Katie doesn’t have Schwa on a locator. Katie says that if this had happened a year ago, she would have probably insulted his d*ck, but marriage is good for them.
Meanwhile, back at Tom Tom, in come Ken and Lisa. Ken says he believes they’re giving them a building permit on Tuesday, meaning, presumably, they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing, but they’re really just posing attractively, so he lets it go.
Lisa quizzes Schwa on the goings on the night before. Clearly she’s sorted out who Schwa is actually married to, and she’s still unhappy. She wants to sit him down and go over his marriage vows, but he says he has them right in his heart, and now he wants to hug her. Lisa says, “Shut up, get your dirty paws off me.” She interviews that he’s getting too old for these puppy dog antics — he’s married, and not to her.
Meanwhile, back at Katie’s, Kristen says she’s arranged for a little surprise for KFC — she’s flying in Sherri for a surprise visit! Kristen wants to break up Jax and Brit if it’s the last thing she does, and she says if Sherri can’t talk Brit into dumping Jax, no one can.
It’s time for LA Pride! The gang is decked out in their peace-and-love finery. At SUR, Rob comes in to hang out with Schænə, who immediately starts bitching about TMI.
Rob says, “Life is hard enough as it is, and that’s why you want good people in your life. And if I’m literally going to be in your life, and if it doesn’t work for me, then that’s it.” Essentially, he’s threatening to break up with her.
“I lost my smile this week, for sure,” she says. Then she interviews that if she loses him because of what these bitches said, there’s going to be a f*ing problem. “Friends wouldn’t do this to me,” she adds. Rob says, “You can’t lose your smile because of… because of people. That’s what people want.” Scheana nods, and flashes a big, gloating smile — this scene is going very well for her own agenda (never mind it’s annoying the f* out of Rob)!
Is it just me, or do these two talk like they’re characters in a remedial reading book?
See Schænə smile.
Run, Rob, run.
Meanwhile, Stassi is dolling up the SURvers on some rooftop deck overlooking the restaurant when Lala arrives in a Wonder Woman costume. Lisa asks how her relationship is coming along, and Lala starts bitching about James tearing into Lala’s man for no reason. Lisa says he’s lucky she hadn’t heard this, or she’d have boxed James’s Dumbo-size ears and sent him to bed with just a small bowl of porridge.
Up at Wardrobe Central, Jax refuses to put on makeup, whereas Sandy has brought his own. Lala gives Scheana a boob-to-boob hug, and asks how things are with Rob, and TMI and all that. Scheana says they haven’t had sex in a week. Lala notes that Scheana’s lost weight, at least a good five pounds. “Girl, take down a chicken sandwich!” she urges, because in Lala Land, you don’t eat things, you take them down.
Inside the restaurant, Lisa and Ken see that Jax is not festively attired, so Ken says, “Take your shirt off,” in this really rapey tone.
Mm, me likey.
Now Lisa introduces a very special person to the crowd: Billie Lee. Billie tells us that she went through some really bad struggles regarding her transition, but then Lisa found her, and brought her into the SUR family, and she lived happily ever after.
Jax interviews when he first met Billie, he couldn’t tell that she was transgender. He says she got her money’s worth, they did a great job. He goes and chats up Billie, who tells him her vagina is awesome.
She also tells Jax she really likes his vibe, and he says he’s glad they’re friends. Billie seems like a real go-along, get-along sort; we hope she doesn’t get eaten alive by this crew.
Outside, Lisa checks in with Stassi. “How’s it going?” she asks. Stassi informs her that Pride has never been better, and more people have shown up than ever before. Oh, also, Lisa looks hot and is amazing. Lisa compliments her on a job well done — way to take credit for the entire Pride, Stassi!
Inside SUR, James does some kind of plank on Jax’s junk, and starts teasing him that he doesn’t have any balls. Logan’s jaw drops, and Raquel says, “What is happening?!” Jax snarkily interviews that seeing James and Logan together, he just can’t figure out who’s the top and who’s the bottom.
James says Logan and Raquel fill different voids for him — Raquel fills his emotional void, and Logan fills his… wait, that’s not what he means. What he means is that Logan is his best friend, and they like to party — yeah, Logan fills his party void, that’s it! Now James and Logan get their party on, while Raquel gets increasingly pissed.
James interview that it’s very important to him that Logan and Raquel get along, or shit’s going to hit the fan. Now the boys sit down with Raquel, and Logan says, “Me and James have a very deep relationship. It’s just like, I always look out for him, you know? Raquel says, “Yeah, but there’s something going on.” Logan kinda sorta shakes his head, and James plants one on a very perturbed Raquel.
Meanwhile, Scheana’s yapping on about TMI to Brit-Brit over at the SURver station. KFC says that she and Scheana are the exact opposites, because when she’s upset, she wants to eat anything sweet to make her feel better. “Chocolate wasted is a real thing,” she says. Huh, never heard of it. Maybe it’s a Winchester thing.
Lisa perceptively notices that Scheana has lost weight, and that there’s a fragility to her. So she sits her down and talks to her about what’s up. Scheana says she feels physically ill because of all the gossip. She tells Lisa that Katie, Stassi and Kristen spread something about Rob (TMI), and it wasn’t true. “This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my liiiiiifffffe!” she wails. “Like, why are they trying to fuck with that?! Why are they trying to bring us down? We’ve been perfect. Literally perfect.”
Lisa reminds her that just a few short months ago, Scheana was telling her how uh-mazing things were with Shay, and it wouldn’t be the end of the world if this relationship didn’t work out. Shceana says it’s going to work out, because they were meant to be together.
Now Lisa jumps up and steals a croissant sandwich from one of Katie’s tables. She gives it to Scheana, who starts wolfing down fries as if she’s actually famished, and has been intentionally starving herself to gain sympathy or something. “You look shaky, you look jittery, you look like a nervous kitten,” says Lisa.
After Scheana’s done gorging, she sits down with Rob, who says it’s his first Gay Pride. Scheana squeals, “I popped your cherry!” Then she tries to kiss him on the mouth, but he squirms away, and she lands on his ear.
Just when Rob can’t take it any more, the heavens open up, and there is Sandy — amen and hallelujah! Rob greets him warmly. Scheana says, “I found my smile!” (Run, Rob, run!) Scheana interviews that once she’s with Rob, and he’s allowing her to kiss him in the head region, it makes everything better, and now she just wants to eat a fucking sandwich.
Another fucking sandwich, that is, with a heaping side of fries. And maybe go upchuck it all in the alley when she’s done.
Speaking of which, KFC is out there now, counting her money. She tells Jax she’s been in those heels for eight hours. He says he bets her feet are really stinky by now, but she doesn’t respond. Then she says she earned $576 today, in a loud, meaningful tone, causing us to think there’s stuff on that audiotape about how she’s a lazy-ass freeloader who parks it on “her couch” all day.
Jax says, “You look really pretty today,” while not looking at her. KFC interviews that sometimes she thinks Jax is just a charmer, but she still loves him, even though he’s a dummy. Oh please just shoot me now.
He asks if they can go home now, so he can stay in that red room and ignore her. She says okay, let her count her money that she earned not parking on her couch, then sends him in to get a shot for her.
“Nice talk,” says Jax.
Maybe he and Kelsey are just talking…
Now James checks in with Lala, “Are you still mad at me, baby?” Lala reads him the riot act, and makes him promise he’ll only say nice things about her bigtime fugly movie producer sugar-daddy from now on. Oh, and he’d better buy her a drink.
Later, at Jax and Brit’s, Jax and Brit engage in fascinating theological discourse about how Jax goes about eating apples (the dirty way), when in come Kristen and Katie, looking all frumpy (hmm, audiotape?). They park their asses on KFC’s couch, and Kristen interviews that Brittany is the most amazing thing that ever graced God’s green earth, and she’s not about to let Jax bring her down. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door — it’s Sherri!
But seriously, wouldn’t it be great if Kelsey got thirsty and threw Jax under the proverbial “tree in the forest”?
Next on VPR, Jax has to answer to Sherri. Scheana and Schwa have an insult contest, and Logan tells people he and James are lovers. Now why would he do a thing like that?
Stay tuned, Trashies…
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