Ugh. Where did we leave off? Last week, Erika’s husband Tom /Mr. Girardi broke his ankle in a car accident and she contemplated widowhood. (God forbid.) Dorit kept Teddi waiting in a restaurant for 54 minutes or was it 53 minutes or was it 6 minutes? The answer is different no matter who you ask- birthing this season’s dumb prolonged fight story arc: WaitGate. Kyle stirred her cauldron with regard to Wait Gate, getting both Teddi and Dorit fired up. Lisa suggested Dorit apologize for calling Camille a “Stupid c*nt.” Camille is officially over Dorit. Kyle sold two new shows, further continuing to air her family’s dirty laundry- and nobody was happy for her. A mostly-absent Rinna still found a way to leave a mark by dropping the bomb that Ken, supposedly, assaulted a woman. What else? Oh yeah, PK is disgusting, you know, in case you forgot.
Over at Vanderpump Dogs, Lisa enters and meets a teeny, tiny dog.
Ken, we’re supposed to be HELPING the dogs
Then Ken comes in and promptly puts the dog inside his shirt. Uh Ken, you are supposed to be SAVING these dogs, not killing them.
I want to clone him, but not you, Leezer.
We review that Ken wants to clone Giggy and it will cost $50,000 to do so. Lisa thinks Ken loves Giggy more than her- because he’s never mentioned cloning Lisa. One LVP is quite enough at the moment.
I’d hug you but my shirt would rip.
While meeting with the guy running the joint, John, with his dress cut down to there, the lawsuit comes up. This is what LVP has to say on the topic- when they first bandied about the idea of having a Dog Rescue, they felt it best to align themselves with an already-existing rescue group.
They did this at the outset, aligning with “Saving Spot,” but once they got into it, Ken felt they had to withdraw because of reasons which we have not yet been made aware. Ken gave this woman who ran “Saving Spot” $40,000 – payment for taking over, Ken explains, and now the woman is suing them. Ken just wants to have the lawyers handle everything but Lisa knows he is upset to have his integrity questioned.
Hopefully she will be less full of sh*t than Vicki Gunvalson
We see Teddi heading down some alley- looks similar to the place where Vicki Gunvalson gets her colonics- to get a facial. Teddi explains to the facial-ist- not the same one that said that LuAnn likes to dominate short French men in bed, that she is inviting the ladies over to her house for a “Glam Circle.”
Lie back and think of horses
She is doing this as a thank you for the trip to Vegas- it was the only thing she thinks all of the women have in common- caring only about their appearance.
Who wore it better?
Kyle heads over to the American Woman set, channeling Beetlejuice. Kyle says she is a very hands-on producer.
Nothing says big-time TV show like a futon covered with a blanket from Ross Dress for Less
They are working on “105,” and we see a little clip- it’s boring, but Kyle says that making the show has been a very emotional journey, brings back so many memories of her Mom, and that she can’t really share any of this with her sisters.
Kyle recreating a reality which never existed
The show is inspired by events of Kyle’s life but it’s not “based on” Kyle life. Maybe Kyle should have Dorit explain it to her sisters- Dorit has a great way of twisting the truth to suit her narrative. Kyle leaves 3 minutes later- yep, very hands-on, indeed.
Upon leaving, Kyle said “When I was little and wanted new roller skates or a new bike, her Mom would say “ok, you get this job and we will go and buy the bike.’” You know who else does that? Pimps.
Work it, you ho
Speaking of Dorit, we go to visit her at her rented mans, and Erika arrives. Erika is going shopping with Dorit to pick out a birthday gift for PK. They get into Dorit’s rented Bentley- they get in carefully, so as to not tear the plastic covers on the seats- this thing needs to be back at the dealership by 5 o’clock. Dorit asks how Mr. G is doing? Erika explains that Tom (aka Mr. G) is always so strong, but has turned into an infant with this broken ankle. Yep, that’s why, when men have the sniffles, we call it “Man Flu.”
Brett believes Dorit has money
They go to the Pagani Dealership and meet Brett- the owner, who greets them as “young ladies.” This mofo thinks Dorit is going to buy a car. Lolololo Dorit is wearing a shirt that says, “We Should All Be Feminists.”
Yes. Yes. We should be.
Yeah, this really applies to Dorit- who allowed her husband to talk her into shutting down her, supposedly successful, company to, supposedly, push out a couple of kids she has some nannies raising.
This looks like a piece of medical equipment
Dorit says that Brett has convinced her that a Pagani would make the perfect gift for PK. Brett explains that there are only about 25 or 30 of these cars in the US and the car is valued at approximately $3,000,000. Has anyone convinced Brett to check the Kemsley’s credit score?
In her interview, Erika thinks that PK would have a real problem with Dorit spending $3million on a car- certainly Mr. Girardi would have a major issue with Erica doing that. Well yeah, the difference is, Mr. Girardi actually HAS the $3 million.
The only 3,000,000 of anything PK has is people who think he’s a gelatinous turd.
Erika popping a lady boner
Dorit and Erika are going to take the car for a test drive, but they decide for Erika to drive it first. Then Dorit drives, and she drives it like a grandma.
Dorit is so broke she couldn’t even pay attention in her driving lesson
Dorit then says that she can’t spend $3,000,000 on a car for PK’s birthday- of course she can’t, SHE DOESN’T HAVE THE MONEY.
Harry making the most of his one appearance this season
Over at the House of Hamlin, Lisa has put heavy cream in Harry’s tea. They discuss Harry’s job on Law & Order, The Menendez Brothers.. They discuss Delilah moving going to NYC.. The plan is for her to model and to go to NYU. She has been accepted into NYU for the spring semester so she has a gap of time prior to school starting. Rinna and Harry Hamlin worry about her being in NYC without having school to keep her busy- that some bad stuff can happen to a pretty girl in NYC. Yep, But Rinna says she has them protected by a white bubble of light. Well, yeah, that should make everything okay.
Then Harry suggests that Rinna start selling “white bubbles of light” on QVC. Hey, stranger shit has sold on QVC..
What do you MEAN I don’t have an appointment?!?!?
And now for the episode’s throw away scene= Kyle takes her dog to Vanderpump dogs to be groomed. But OH No!! LVP forgot to book her an appointment. Ok, you know what’s going to happen right? Kyle and LVP will groom the dog and hilarity will ensue.
This poor dog
Whatever, MisRed is getting a cup of coffee, carry on.
After, what they are sure to call their “Lucy & Ethel” moment, Kyle and LVP sit down and Kyle informs LVP that she got “Storm” (the dog they tortured in the previous scene) from the same lady who is suing Ken and LVP. LVP worries about Ken and how he’s handling everything and now she knows that Rinna was talking about the lawsuit.
They discuss going to Del Mar and LVP bringing her horse down there, but first she wants to get to the bottom of why Teddi is upset with Dorit. Teddy loves horses.
LVP and Kyle discuss “Wait-Gate.”
Teddi telephones Dorit to see if she would be able to come over a few minutes early for the Glam Circle, so they may talk and clear the air. The Glam Circle starts at 4:30 and Teddi is asking Dorit to come at 4 or 4:15.
How DARE you ask me to come early!!!
In Dorit’s interview, she acts like Teddi has asked her to arrive 16 hours early and haul rocks up a hill. “Sure, I GUESS I can come EVEN earlier than I’m supposed to be there.” Just a dash of passive aggressiveness, to start your morning..
Teddi has an event planner- someone with whom she used to ride horses, of courses- to help plan the perfect Glam Circle. They have flower crowns and terrariums, I suppose we will find out later how they relate to one another.
Dorit got up so early she wore her sweatpants
Dorit shows up and make a big deal about her being there “bright and early.” It’s 4pm, honey, it’s not 4am. Teddi offers Dorit a drink, Teddi gets a glass of champs and Dorit says “I’m going to be a VERY GOOD FRIEND and go for the Vanderpump Rose.” The bartender must have been an amateur because he serves Teddi’s Champagne in a Wine Glass and Dorit’s Rose in a Champagne Glass. And of course, Dorit makes a HUGE deal out of the mistake.
Dorit interviews “There are different glasses for different kinds of drinks for a reason. I didn’t make it up. I just know the difference.” Yes, Dorit, you are very proper, with your lateness, your passive aggressiveness, your calling a woman a “Stupid c*nt” and implying because she had a hysterectomy she is no longer a woman- yes, all of this is very appropriate behavior- the GLASS from which you drink –AS A GUEST IN SOMEONE’S HOME- is certainly a reason to have your nose out of joint.
No one is touching this face… Trust me, no one wants to
They walk outside and Dorit sees that there are tables set up for facials and various treatments, and Dorit says “Oh look how professional, you know I’m not going to let anyone touch my face?” Teddi is like- Oh, you aren’t? Dorit further explains, that you have the people you trust, and she gets a bit nervous with anyone else. MisRed does understand this- but you could be a little more gracious. Dorit has zero manners.
Thanks for declining the facial, betch.
Teddi then explains in a talking head that in the text she sent she explained everything that was going to happen and at that point Dorit could have told her that she didn’t want to participate in the facial. You know, so maybe Teddi didn’t PAY for a treatment not being utilized. Teddi didn’t say that, this is MisRed’s projection
MisRed aside: MisRed cannot even attempt to explain the, oh so many times, this has been an issue. MisRed is generous with people- throws parties, etc.. If I invite you to a Crawfish Boil, and you are allergic to crawfish or just don’t like crawfish- either decline or let MisRed know this information so that MisRed might be prepared. Don’t allow MisRed pay for 2 lbs of crawfish that you have no intention of consuming. OR, inform me when you arrive that you are, and I apologize to all of the actual* Vegans out there, a F*CKING VEGAN, and are upset that there isn’t vegan- friendly food. (BTW, this particular Vegan informed me that he was not a Vegan for ethical reasons- he was just a vegan because he wanted to seem cool. That’s a DOUCHE VEGAN. And if you are a Vegan, don’t let me catch you 3 days later eating a spicy double at f*cking Tornado Burger, because MisRed will shank your ass.
*Actual Vegan refers to someone who is Vegan due to, either health reasons, ethical reasons, or because it’s a valid lifestyle choice they have made. I respect your choice, but don’t come to my parties because know, Vegan food isn’t fun to cook or serve- nobody wants a Tofu Dog in a blanket. Hate on MisRed all you want, it’s a fact. Love you. Xoxo Call me.
Dorit, let me explain and I’ll use small words
So Teddi jumps straight in and says “Listen, here’s the long and the short of it, I didn’t actually care that you left me at the restaurant for 54 minutes.” Dorit interrupts that she didn’t leave her at the restaurant for 54 minutes… ugh, here we go. Teddi continues “Dorit, you called me at 48 minutes past the time of our meeting.” Dorit says she was supposed to meet Teddi at 4:30… Teddi corrects her- “4 o’clock.” Dorit goes on to say that she was just coming from a meeting, blah blah blah. Teddi informs her that it’s not the fact that she was late that bothered her- “but it was that you told Kyle that you were only 6 minutes late, and that then I had to leave.”
We flashed to Kyle and Teddi talking and what Kyle said was, Dorit said that she was only 20 minutes late.
Teddi says “The one thing I am never wrong about is what time I’m supposed to do something.. I’m an accountability coach and a former professional equestrian, it somebody says 4:00, it’s 4:00. I sat there for one hour Dorit.”.
Dorit spews some bullshit about her believing it was 4:30, and does Teddi really think Dorit is just pretending she thought it was 4:30?
Like talking to a brick wall.
Teddi is like- well it’s putting me in a situation where I’m actually having to defend myself for something when I didn’t do anything wrong, and then I’m talking to another person about you when I really should just be talking to you about the situation. That’s the gist.
Teddi is like- why aren’t you talking to me about this instead to someone else? Because Dorit is a dramatic cow.
Dorit interviews “How did I get to be the villain in all of this?” Um, because you are the villain in all of this. “I mean, it’s (Teddi) a little overly sensitive.” Six minutes- maybe that’s a little overly-sensitive. 54 minutes –No. No, it is not overly sensitive to be pissed about being kept waiting for 54 minutes.
Then Dorit tells Teddi “Don’t be ridiculous!”
MisRed is sorry- well actually not sorry, but she is on Teddi’s side in this. Dorit is the absolute worst.
“You’re making a much bigger thing. I just talked to Kyle about it.” Dorit says.
Teddi is like- “None of it matters other than the point that you put me in a situation where I had to have another conversation with another woman about you and then it put a bad taste in my mouth about us.”
Dorit tries to argue, saying “What is it that you think I did wrong?”
Teddi is like- listen, I didn’t just invite you here today and pretend everything is fine and then talk about you behind your back. I’m trying to get this straightened out.
Teddi says she is fine to let it go. Well let’s see if that actually happens.
Then Dorit says “I think I’m going to change my glass.” UGH.
hi, Hi, HI
Rinna arrives at Teddi’s- she’s always up for a spa day. She interviews “I’m tired. This old bag needs a little fluff-n- puff.”
Glass Gate in the making
Dorit goes ON about the glass, how she shouldn’t be drinking WINE out of a champagne glass. You know what else you shouldn’t be doing Dorit? Acting like a pretentious snob, acting like you have money, putting on pretend accents, being late for sh*t and refusing to take blame, holding grudges, spending money you don’t have, refusing to take responsibility for your actions, acting like your husband isn’t a disgusting slimy bottom-feeder, acting like you work, acting like you raise your kids.
Has MisRed left anything out?
Dorit goes on for 5 minutes about the glass. Rinna tries to placate her a little.
Red Solo Cup, BABY!!! Own it and then throw it in the garbage, Baby.
But then interviews, “I understand certain glasses for things, but I also don’t give a sh*t. I grew up in Oregon and mostly drank alcohol out of red Solo cups.” Amen Rinna.
Dorit says she is planning a 50th Birthday Party for PK. Oh, and it’s a surprise. I mean, the biggest surprise in all this to MisRed is that PK is only 50. He looks 65 if he’s a day.
We get a flash to Dorit working on the party with a party planner and her assistant who you know is doing all of the work. It’s going to be held on a boat. Dorit says “He’s never ever ever had anyone plan a party for him in his entire life.” Dorit is flying PK’s family in, and she has so many surprises planned.
Must be older than PK, because who would have another child AFTER PK?
The biggest surprise is going to be on the people who think they are going to get paid at the end of this shindig.
LVP shows up and says “Dorit, were you here on time and have you called anyone a c*nt?”
Teddi- never believe a single thing Dorit says
Teddi is like- Oh, you only talked to Kyle about the situation, huh Dorit? And punches Dorit in the arm- should have been her face.
Rinna is like- I’m staying out of it. I wasn’t there. LVP is like “Well that’s never stopped you before.” Rinna is like- I’m good, I don’t have any beef with anybody right now.
We don’t have a beef… to my knowledge.
LVP is like… well wait a minute, I did hear you were mentioning my husband…. Rinna is like- yeah, well I read it in the paper and mentioned it.
LVP interviews that it seems like the old Rinna just bringing up stuff that’s hurtful to LVP and Ken. Why wouldn’t she talk to me first?
LVP, you, of all people know how sh*t works on this show.
Yup, Rinna wants to talk about it
Rinna maintains that it was not a malicious act. But it was all over TMZ and Page Six and that LVP just doesn’t want to talk about it… but Rinna does.
The vast interpretation of the dress code: CASUAL
Kyle shows up in Pajamas, and Erika arrives in a $5,000 sweat suit- not including the shoes, Dahling.
Erika needed a little escape from Tom and his broken ankle so she is happy to be there.
First I have to stir the pot and now you want me to serve up the spoils too?
Dorit immediately pounces on Kyle about what Kyle said to Teddi and they argue about whether it was 6 minutes or 18 minutes or 54 minutes. UGH. In Kyle’s talking head she is like “Dorit’s energy level is very over the top!” Dorit maintains that the meeting was at 4:30. Ugh.
Camille shows up.
Let’s drop it until you bring it up again next week.
Dorit and Teddi continue to argue- Dorit saying, “I really need this to go. This is the most childish thing I’ve ever had a conversation about.”
But you are the one who brought it up AGAIN, DORIT!!
Teddi is like- Great- let’s drop it.
Yes, Dorit you really struggled
Dorit is like, FINALLY!!!
Show of hands, anyone think Dorit will bring this up again?
So, then Dorit vents to LVP saying that Teddi said “another girl in the group is offended, blah blah blah.” Meaning Camille.
I came here to relax
Erika is like- I left home to get some peace at this Glam Circle, not to be in a Hen Circle. In her talking head Teddi says she wanted a Glam Circle, not a Circle of Death.
LVP, Kyle and Rinna exchange some friendly banter back and forth about who needs vaginal tightening or laser work, etc. LVP says that Rinna needs her vag tightened. And LVP volunteers to do it, admitting she’s no surgeon, but that she is pretty handy with a needle and thread. Bahahaah.
Four stages of a half-apology
Dorit chooses the time when Camille is relaxing and knees beside her saying “You know I’m a stupid girl with a stupid sense of humor. You know I would never, ever, ever—I didn’t mean anything. I totally appreciate you being…upset and hurt and like Dorit, where the hell did that come from?”
Great apology, Dorit.
Camille explains that the C word is a little harsh. And it was the godfather thing AND the strap-on thing
Dorit is like-What Godfather thing? HAVE ANOTHER DRINK YOU F*CKING LUSH
Dorit says she’s sorry. Camille says that she thinks Dorit’s apology is sincere, but she doesn’t really want to have a relationship with her at this point. It would take a lot for Camille to trust Dorit.
Droit interviews that “This concludes my apology tour.” One half-apology does not a tour make, honey. You didn’t apologize to Teddi.
Dorit asks Camille if she would like to have lunch? Camille says “That would be nice. I’ll bring my strap-on.”
Next time. Teddi and LVP chat and Teddi says she doesn’t like when she has to pretend to be something she’s not to make other people comfortable. Oh, and she loves horses. PK’s birthday party happens and PK lands on the boat in a helicopter, but it doesn’t look like he lands on the boat that’s having the actual party.
So, what’s the point? Dorit calls Teddi a psycho.
Yeah, Teddi is the psycho in this scenario
And it would appear that Dorit is going to attempt to sing with Boy George.
Boy falling to the E List in 3…2…1
OMG. You guys?!?! WTF!! Worst Episode EVER. Can someone push Dorit overboard next week? HATE her. But LOVE you guys!!! Even you Vegans!! xoxoxo
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