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Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Dorit knows Boy George. Also, Kyle went to Kokomo to see Erika, and they both know that Dorit knows Boy George. Vanderpump looked for the birth mother of her son, who may or may not know that Dorit knows Boy George. The only character that hasn’t heard about Dorit knowing Boy George is Erika’s vagina, but only because it’s busy preparing a defamation suit against the Kemsely’s and has no time for idle gossip.
We open outside Boy George’s free studio apartment. Garage Number Three in Dorit and PK’s rental house. I can’t help but wonder how many times J-Lo sat in her Range Rover in that garage trying to talk herself out of turning on the engine instead of going up to look at Marc Anthony’s face.
Dorit visits sweaty PK in his home office. He’s trying to reply to an email. “It’s just killing me at the moment.” I mean how many times can you tell Captial One the check is in the mail? It’s really tough re-wording that over and over again.
Dorit is “under the most prayshoor yew ken eemajeen!” Are we still talking about how in debt your husband is, or is Erika Jayne’s beaver shot still keeping you up nights? No, the issue is that PK is turning 49 for the eleventh time soon and she’s got to figure out something special to do for him. What do you get the man who rents everything?
Might I suggest teaching him how to use the call block on his phone so it won’t ring every time Barclays calls asking for you guys to pay for those giant Macs you’re using?
Her big idea is to have Boy George play a private concert for her and her friends. Wow. Touching. Asking the squatter for a song. The WHOLE BAND will be playing, you guys, and it’s gonna be a surprise. Not to PK. He’s standing right here shaking his jowels at the party planner with Dorit. It will be a surprise to their friends, though (it won’t be)! This might not seem like a very romantic gift, but all PK really wants in life is for people to be impressed that he knows…wait for it…BOY GEORGE, so it’s actually kinda thoughtful in a super shallow and hopeless kinda way.
They task the hot party planner with coming up with a way to hide the band equipment during the party, like it’s hard to hide a casio keyboard and a karaoke machine. PK jokes that they partition off part of the living room and tell the guests that it’s under construction after a helicopter hit the house. That would imply suicide bombers are using their evil for good, and it’s not a message we need in America’s current climate.
Kyle and Erika are having drinks at sunset in Kokomo. Erika’s so excited to have a female friend that she doesn’t have to pay for. With all the money she’s saving, there’s a chance she can buy a full size Birkin this trip instead of a change purse. You gotta make that allowance stretch.
Kyle congratulates her on her Honda Dealership tour that Don Rickles bought her. Erika spent the first decade of her marriage finishing puberty and being supportive of her man, and it’s nice that she has a turn. And Kyle is having her turn, too! She’s got all these stores that her husband bought her and a show on TV Land. Kyle talks about her insane mother and goes through the fun memories: that time mom tried selling Kyle at the border because she needed a forty, the time mom took Kyle to the Burbank animal shelter and asked them to put her down because she had so much hair clogging up the shower drain, the time mom put Kyle in the dryer because she didn’t wanna pay for a babysitter. HUGS!
Erika wants to bond, so she reminds Kyle that she, too, has a domineering and terrifying parent that sitcoms could be built off of. Hey let’s call Don Rickles!
Tom: Hello? I can’t see you?
Erika: Hi honey! Thanks so much for being so supportive of me I love you.
Tom: Erin? Something wrong with the water filters I sent over? Did you get em? Erika’s a fucking idiot she probably forgot. ERIKA?!!!
Erika: No honey it’s Erika. On the phone.
Tom: There’s no picture.
Erika: It’s not facetime, honey. It’s just the phone.
Tom: How do I know it’s you and not some random whore askin for money? I paid extra for a full moon!
Erika: HAHA Thanks babe the full moon is beautiful! We love it!
Tom: I paid extra! I see no full moon on my phone! SHOW ME YOUR ASS WOMAN!
Erika: It’s just audio, honey.
Tom: MOON! SHOW ME MOOOOOOON! SHOW ME (cough cough cough)
Erika: Goodnight, honey.
Kyle just looks at her like “Gross. Did I mention I’m related to the Fatburger heir?”
Rinna and Eileen meet up to rollerblade with Dorit, who has never done it. I look around for train track or a freeway that Dorit can roll into, but don’t see one. If Eileen and Rinna want to become the MVPs for all time, they’ll figure out a way to turn this friend date into a tragedy.
Dorit, of course, protests and squeals and insists she’s nevah een a million yeahs done enhethen so unnatural! Closeup of her Groupon implants. Ah, editors. I love you.
She tells us that since she promised to move on from the horrendous boolyin’ the girls inflehkted upohn hah, she’ll make an effort to have fun with them. Besides, one of them might flash too much elbow skin or something and give Dorit a second act storyline.
Eileen tells us that she rollerblades at the beach with Vinnie and they get wasted. Then she takes a shot. I’m falling for this light, airy Eileen even though I know she’s probably gonna start talking about vaginas manipulating things soon.
Rinna tells us in her not coded at all way that she likes Dorit because Dorit can get over stuff unlike SOME PEOPLE. You can get into it with her, speak your mind and then all is forgiven! Rinna can lose her mind and her patience and her grasp on reality in a flash, but once it’s done she’s like um what’dIdo? and goes on bobbing her head and giving good reviews to random things. I love her positive attitude mixed with “I can cut you” vibe. She’s like a chola moving up the ranks of the Junior League.
The rollerblading lasts six feet of sidewalk. Dorit is squealing in so many accents that a city bus pulls over thinking it left entire load behind. The girls decide to call Kyle and Erika in Kokomo, mostly so Dorit can ask if there’s anyone there wearing Boy George t-shirts. SHE KNOWS HIM.
Erika and Kyle are both kinda horrified that anyone is hanging out with Dorit, and that they’re doing it in THE VALLEY. They shudder, hang up, and wait for the breadsticks refill. Kyle picked this place because of the bottomless breadsticks basket and she ain’t moving until she’s full dammit.
Back in the poor section of the world, Dorit is telling the girls she’s having a party for PK. “I was thinkin’ of invitin’ the Keem Reechahds! Is thet okay?” Rinna appreciates the heads up because usually people don’t tell her Twitch is coming to an event on purpose just to see if they can surprise Rinna enough that her wig slips.
Why sure, Rinna is ok with it! She refuses to let her mouth run off this time, but there are plenty of weapon emojis to text ole Twitch if she steps out of line.
It’s two AM in Kokomo. This crowd is almost as tired as Erika’s music. Poor Mikey is all “(sigh) yass. Everyth(yawn)ang.” Erika’s excited. She just did sound check and the stage is on a cliff. Unfortunately, the queens with working ears won’t have the same luxury of optional easy suicide when the music starts.
Erika makes her dancer gayployees whip off their shirts to get their ab makeup done. I can’t tell you, as someone who will never have abs, how refreshing it is to see thin people draw lines on their stomachs. YAAASSS QUEEEEEEEN!
Kyle watches them for technique. Oh Kyle honey no. Those guys draw lines, they look like He-Men. We do it, we look like basketballs.
Lisa Vanderpump is over at Villa Rosa pretending Giggy is already dead.
Stop trying to make Harrison happen, Vanderpump!
One can only wonder how long it will take her to bring in a new slightly less old man with his buttons undone to his belly button to prepare for the absence of her flesh roomba, Ken. Eden comes over, and she’s full of her new age bs. “I’m honored to be on the journey across this bridge into your home, which is a window into your soul” or whatever.
Vanderpump points out that her soul is windowless but if she looks out the living room window she can see piles and piles of animal dung as far as the eyes can see. Eden can no longer move her nostrils, but I’ll guess that they’d be flaring if they could.
She’s a facial mashup of Kim Richards and Brandi to me, which is a sign of a love hate relationship between us. She talks exactly like Brandi, though, and it creeps me out. Hamster Brandi.
They sit outside for tea. Eden accepts the drink, as it’s not solid and no one is gonna try to make her pay for it. Lisa points out the midget donkeys hanging out in front of the House That MoHam Built. Like a cursed Indian burial ground, the soil beneath the pink house is tarnished by the Yolanda Hadid Munchenhausenlymzens War of 2015. The horses don’t seem to mind, though. They’re supposed to always be too tired to do anything anyway.
Lisa makes some “hung like a horse GET IT” jokes. Her animal fucking jokes are even more disturbing than her “I don’t fuck my husband” jokes, which is actually kinda impressive. I appreciate when a Housewife strives for more as the years go on.
Eden doesn’t seem to mind, unless the midget donkeys are alcoholics or drug addicts. Then she’ll be steamin’ mad, dammit! Hey speaking of drunk animals raised in a barn, Kim Twitchards is obviously still an alcoholic and a user, eh? Textbook!
Vanderpump is confused by this diagnosis. Of course Kim wants to drink and dope or whatever. She’s like a plant. They don’t know why they need the water or the sun. They just do. But she’s not using and ruining anyone’s luncheons, so what’s the problem?
Well, the problem is that Kim could die and then Kyle will be just like Eden, a woman with hamster eyes and odd boob skin wondering why there’s no one left in her life to be better than.
Vanderpump assures her that Kyle stands up to Kim when the time is right, for example when she needs her to sign over homes, etc. Eden seems happy with that for now. Lisa tries getting info from Eden about herself. The only thing anyone really knows about her is that her dad did hair, she brings her own bottles of lemon juice to lunches, and she talks like a Deepak Chopra book with 97 percent of its pages missing.
Eden was in a relationship for three weeks, but she made the guy quit smoking for her and “He attacked me!” Lisa braces herself. What kind of “attack”? Did he hit her? Break up with her on a Broadway red carpet? Smash her iPhone? This show has seen all different kinds of “When Rich Homely Men Attack” episodes, and she wants to make sure this rando guy isn’t gonna pull a Russell.
No no, not that kind of attack. He just really wanted nicotine, so he started chewing nicotine mints. One day, he ate a hamburger, which is not only disgusting but also a crime against the souls the Universe placed into Eden’s journey.
As she tells her story, Lisa’s incredulous face is acted out by all the animals around her and it’s fucking hilarious. Even the geese think this woman’s fucking looney.
Lisa’s heard of a lot of different break up stories, but what kind of person is this upset over a hamburger? She’s perplexed, but her interest is piqued. Eden is obviously a broken ho, and that’s Vanderpump’s favorite kind of person. Can she open her heart to one more limping foster?
Eden continues. When the monster she was dating was done with his murder sandwich, he reached for a nicotine mint and Eden told him he was acting like a goddamn drug addict.
You know that Eden has been sober for a total of five minutes because she’s accusing everyone around her of being a drug addict. It’s like when my mom found Christ and would ask the checkout ladies at Skaggs if they knew her best friend, Jesus. They can’t help themselves. The newfound innocence is like a surge of righteous judgment. Point is, Eden’s an active addict. You heard it here first.
Vanderpump asks her about her own addiction story, and Eden tells her that she just woke up one day and said hey. I’m rich off of money I didn’t have to do shit to earn and I could be doing way more expensive drugs. Bye alcohol! Touching story. Giggy gives the camera a look like “Somebody. Anybody. Please. Just step on me. I can’t take any more of this shit.”
There’s an old lady trying to get on Toddlers and Tiaras On Ice running around in Kokomo. Oh it’s Erika. Hey girl.
Poor Kyle is like “I have fringe on my everythang purse bitch.” Erika pats her on the head and takes her to the before show prayer, which Mikey leads.
Dear Yass Betch Everythang! Let Erika’s pussy throb and the boys cocks bulge. Sex on a platter BETCH YAAAASSSSS! Suck a man or a men.
Kyle’s like um…that’s not a prayer. LOL.
Erika enters through the audience yelling “YAAAAS BETCH” at the Greek gays. It’s like her “Hope and Change”. She has a mini montage of her music, and she’s actually singing to the track. You can tell cuz it sounds like a little girl with no pitch trying to sing to a big girl on the radio with no pitch. Two no pitches don’t make a right pitch. Betch.
Still, though, she’s living her dream and it’s super cute. It’s like when people in old folks homes decide “Hey fuck it. I’m gonna learn a new card game even though I’ve played bridge every day up to now. I’m playing Canasta. And anyone who doesn’t like it can suck a bulging dick beeeeetch!”
You’re never too old to be an off key ho on a stage Don Rickles paid for. DREAMS! I have had a great time making fun of the way Erika insists on spelling her songs, but man. She’s in the right club for it. It’s called Xslior or some shit. Freedom is spelling shit however you want and Erika is the new President. The time to grab em by the pussy is right now, people.
She does her thing and finds ways to work in her key phrases, like “I STILL don’t give a fuck!” It’s the sequel. Her “Rings” if you will.
Once you’ve seen her vag, you have seven days to live.
DORIT I have a sore throat that woan’tah go aweeeeyah!
As she prances around and does the splits without sticking to the floor, Kyle looks on jealously. Then a guy who looks like one of Twitch’s ex boyfriends storms her platform.
Did you guys know there’s a poor section of Beverly Hills? Welcome to it! Eden is at her tiny sad house as her kid jumps all over the place and spazzes out. If you drink while you’re pregnant, it’s best to plan on continuing to drink until the baby you spawned is out of the house.
Rinna comes over and hugs Eden for way too long. “Hey goooorgeoooous! Wow! Is this a kitchen in a foyer? I LOVE IT! You can do the dishes and answer the door at the same time! And wait! It’s also a living room and a bathroom! How handy to be able to talk to your dinner guests while you’re on the toilet! I’m a super supporter of the tiny house movement! Save a tree! Hey save a forrest I don’t care! This place is a swimming pool away from being the best rooms in a room I’ve ever seen BABY!”
Dorit arrives. She hasn’t been to a house this sad since she left Boy leftover chicken bones outside the garage apartment. Eden laughs that they’re in her life now, and Dorit giggles “You have a captchad audience now!” No telling if Dorit just doesn’t know the saying or whether or not she’s being snarky.
Eden promises to bring a special gift for PK’s birthday. I’m guessing it’s some old Xenadrine. Eden ain’t shopping for that wobbly fuck. Rinna tells Dorit that Eden’s a pro on crystal and who uses it. No one doubts it.
Eden is “sober”, so she offers the girls smoothies instead of cocktails. Are you out of Capri Suns? This is the saddest scene of the season. Dorit tastes hers and jokes that it would be better with vodka. Boy LOVES vodka. Did you know I know him?
Rinna says vodka ruins the texture of smoothies but Xanax is perfect. Eden laughs and says she would totally do that. Dorit’s head whips around in that “I’m judging you with a smile on my face so you’ll be totalleh suproised when I out you’ah drug addicshunz at a parteh” kinda way. Eden says that just because she’s sober doesn’t mean she can’t still do pills. CALLED IT! I know that that’s not real sobriety, you know it’s not real sobriety, and Eden knows damn well that ain’t sobriety. My favorite kind of sobriety is the “I’m not as drunk as you so I’m sober” kind, so I’m totally behind this Eden chick now.
Rinna whips out a big ziplock full of all her pills and Eden says “I can tell you every single pill in there and what your farts smell like after you take them.” That’s a pro. Most of them are herbal supplements. One for the adrenals, one for the metabolism, one that excretes glue from your scalp so your wig doesn’t fly off in pilates class.
Rinna laughs to us about having a cure for everything. “Someone gets stung by a bee, I got it covered BABY!” Backwards monkey laugh. “Anyone need anything while I got the bag out?”
Dorit gushes “I knew thatuh loved yahz! Do ya see tha hahts comin from mah head (as she points to her eyes)?”
Rinna: I saw the pills floating above your head!
They all have a good loud laugh about it before coming up with ways to confront Twitch about all the pills she takes. There are so many drug addicts in this town, we need a different scale to judge. Do you get so wasted you poop yourself at bars? Addict. Do you just fuck randos sometimes and occasionally lose a tooth? Functioning. The ultimate test: Can you get through this intersection without hitting a pedestrian, a maid, or another car?
Back in Kokomo, Erika and the gayployees are getting off the Everythang Betch Bus at the compound. It’s daylight. AFTERPAAARTAAAAAAYYYY!!! I wish this was real life. This show makes gays seem like waxed Keebler elves running around making cookies without calories and grinding their booties in free pools all day. In real life, they’re a bunch of cross fit assholes blocking traffic to run in the streets carrying monster truck tires around their necks.
Everyone after parties in their own way. Erika puts on expensive ho heels and does photo shoots. Kyle eats ramen the fat guy at the concert left behind. Erika talks her into putting on a bathing suit and joining the photo shoot, though, and it’s cute. Kyle does a version of Erika’s “I Don’t Give a Fuck”, and it makes me temporarily forget that she’s the worst human being alive.
Dorit is prepping for her party like all hardworking women do, by yelling at all the idiots that can’t live up to the perfection her credit card bought. “The flowahs look like somthin’ I grabbed off tha syedea uff the roadz!” One positive thing about Dorit: no matter what happens at her parties, the full brunt force of her terrible made up accents will be more embarrassing. PK could shit the floor and the guests would still leave talking about what an asshole Dorit talks like.
The hot designer came up with a super creative way to hide Boy George’s set up: he’s put up a black curtain in the middle of the room. Dorit’s pissed. I don’t know why. J-Lo probably used the same tactic when she was sick of looking at Marc Anthony.
Vanderpump’s at home getting ready. She tells the dogs that she’s calling Kyle. You can tell Giggy knows all of Kyle’s bullshit shenanigans. He turns away from the phone. That’s my boy!
Portia asks Lisa if she can come have a sleepover so she can play with the midget donkeys, and Lisa tells her that she’ll allow it now that Portia’s out of diapers. Kyle laughs “What about Ken?” HAHAH!! Lisa’s used to the smell of his diaper hamper. It’s different living indoors with shit you’re used to. She says that when it’s her time, she’ll be calling Rinna to borrow some of her diapers. She lols at herself and says “Bye daaaahhhhhlinnnnnggggg.” Click.
Dorit is pacing in PK’s home office/money laundromat worrying about her flowers. Boy coos “Now you know how Elton feels.” Hahaha. Hasn’t he filed for bankruptcy 20 times too? Ah, small unpaid for worlds.
The guests start arriving. Erika is (rightfully) sad to have to attend a Dorit party, and you can tell cuz she’s wearing her Charlie Brown dress.
Dorit tells her the dress is a step up from the t-shirt dress she wore to her birthday. You can feel Erika’s butt clench. As gross as Dorit is, PK is always grosser. He says “Hello dahlin’. Is the Mikonos good or overrated?” Erika squint smiles in a “When you can get a credit card again maybe you’ll find out” kinda way.
Dorit calls breastfeeding nanny down to meet Erika. “Erika, Uh’d loike ya tah meet mah newly round headed behbeh!” Erika laughs and says it’s because the kid is so cute, but we, who are also laughing, know it’s really cuz the poor kid looks like a tiny PK. God is nothing if not humorous.
PK greets Vanderpump. She’s squeezed into a dress and says “Let me waddle to you, dahling.” PK: You don’t waddle!
Oh, PK. She was trying to make you feel more comfortable. PK and Dorit tell the guests that they’ve suffered water damage because PK did jumping jacks upstairs. Erika says “a good pipe and drape never hurt anyone.” HAHA. Vanderpump isn’t buying. She knows PK would never do jumping jacks. “He’s naughty! He’s hiding something up his sleeve, and by the shape of it my guess is a bag of croissants.”
PK tells her that if she’s always showing up to magic parties trying to guess how the magic is done, it’s gonna make people less inclined to invite her to magic parties. She nods sadly at her old friend, knowing the last thing his pasty ass is capable of is magic. Get a job.
Twitch arrives. PK warbles over to her. “I know who ya ah, Kim Twitchahds!” She speaks in ye ole chimney sweeper English to him. “Ahr yew PKAAAAY? I love pkaaaay. Id’s not buttahr, id’s bedder AMIRIGHTKYHL?” He giggles politely and takes her jacket, his hands in the pockets searching for baggies of coke. Twitch is almost as afraid of stairs as stairs are of her, so Eden helps her down them. Then she tells us that after all the work she put into helping out a drunk, “I got NOTHING from Kim.” Ugh. Eden is the valet that stands there with their hands open waiting for a tip. You opened up a fucking door. Here’s a tip: learn a skill.
Twitch explains to the girls why she’s got ish with the stairs. I had a bad knee zo I god a gast bud then I tripped over the gast an fell then when ah waz geddin up ah hid mah head on a cabinet and then it hurt so I jerked id down and hid mah faze on a counderdop and reeled bag and re-tribbed over the gazt again! Zo now I tell stairz NO! NO ZTAIRS!” Everyone’s like yay you’re sober!
Twitch says hi to Rinna and Eileen and Rinna uses her “I’m teaching a possibly deaf stray dog to come get a treat out of my hand even though it’s cuz I wanna grab him by the collar and have animal services pick him up before he can shit in my yard again” voice. “HI KIM!! HIIIIIII! HIIII KIM! HI! KIM! HI! KIM. HI KIM!” Yes we get it. Hi to Kim. You’re doing great.
The girls ask where Kyle is, and Twitch says that Kyle iz zad cuz she mizzed the kidz when she was in Ronkonkomas. “I mizz mah gidz too and now ahm gonna have a little baby grand child kidz and I’m like AW I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A MAMA!” Eden’s all OMG she’s feeling things. Next she’s gonna use this as an excuse to drink wine and die right in front of the entire party and I’ll be here telling Kyle “TOLD YA”.
She asks Twitch if being a grandma makes her wanna snort powders of any kind, and Twitch looks at her like she looked at Dr Phil when he suggested she stop refusing to exit bathroom stalls she grew up in at the Four Seasons.
Have ya lost yer marblez, PHILLIBZ?
Even Rinna knows Eden’s being too much right now, and she’s put a secret stash of drug test pee sticks in the bathroom in case Twitch shows any signs of going off the rails. Twitch blinks a couple of times at Eden and says “Id’s lige oooh. Oh. Ow wha? Wow oh woah wow woah ya knowwhadahmeanz?” Eden’s like “Do you have a sponsor you can call? Please drive safely on your journey and don’t die.”
Dorit gives a terrible speech about PK owing a lot of money to people on the outside but owning her heart on the inside, and then she announces that “I said theha was wadda damayage, and it’s truyeh. But the water didn’d damageh the walls, only the flesh tissue of mah dear frieyeand cuz he eats too much sahlt! Please welcome my best dearest friend Boy George who I know and who knows me GO AHEAD AHSK HEEM HE KNOWS MEH MORE THAN KYLE BOY GEORGE!”
Everyone’s like um woo? Boy sings an acoustic version of Karma Chameleon, and he sounds pretty good for a fat old dude with a full face of Sephora on. Erika tells us that she knows the lyrics to this song as well as she knows the lyrics to her own songs. Which means she hums a bit of it while picking up stuff off the floor with her vagina.
After the song, Eden charms the girls. She’s like “In the eighties my mother drove me to a K-Mart, dropped me off and never came back. I had to beg a mailman to take me home but by the time I got there my parents had moved. So I should go.” OK, ya party animal. Vanderpump tries to refuse a kiss on the lips, but Eden insists, with her Judas ass. Erika growls “She’s a lover. What can ya do? Ya wanna borrow some plastic wrap? I carry it in my purse just in case. Never know when one of the dancers is gonna take too much ex and try and lay one on me after a gang bang. Everythang.”
Vanderpump goes outside to look for some brain bleach. Boy is out there for five more minutes to pay his rent for the year. Dorit comes up to them and tells the wacky story of Eden taking Xanny even though she’s sober. Boy laughs. Addicts who don’t drink are considered to be calorie counters, not sober people. He giggles “Telegraph, telegram, tell Dorit” and gets the fuck out of there before his reputation can suffer any more than it already has tonight.
Dorit continues that Rinna had a giant ziplock bag full of drugs. Vanderpump is all OHHHHHHH! DEAAAAH! Dorit tells her to get the pole out of her ass, and Lisa says she hasn’t had a Pole in her ass since she dated the guy with the leather pants before she met Ken. Dorit says that Lisa is too judgey and proper, and Lisa says that Dorit is trying to make it sound like everyone’s a drug addict then make Lisa look like a judgey prude. You’re both right. Lisa grabs Dorit’s face, as if she’s realized for the first time what a tactical error she’s made this season. “I’m going home.”
Twitch runs right over to Kyle to complain about Eden but is initially blocked by Camille’s weird positivity.
Vanderpump is a smart cookie, and I’ve been worried. How can someone with a sharp brain make such a stupid move as to align themselves with this twit. Especially considering that she actually KNEW that Dorit was a twit. I don’t know, but if heroes didn’t fall every once in awhile, they wouldn’t have movies written about how they got up again. Now that she knows Dorit was a bad choice, how the hell will she get out of putting her support behind her? And how is she gonna keep Kyle on her side when Eden’s coming so hard for her?
I predict Vanderpump will find a way to use Eden and Dorit against each other so she can move back to the side and make “I’d fuck a pet” jokes. We’ll find out soon! See you next week!