Hey Trashies! We open this week where we left off, at the housewarming party from hell. Unfortunately they don’t play the tape for us, but they do line up the ladies and interview them about what was on it.
So let’s get started. Back at the party, the girls all gather round to listen. Suddenly, Sandy pipes up, “No! No! Doooon’t!” Ariana tells him to shut up, so he scoots off with Jax and Schwa to Katie’s place.
Okay. So now they sit down to listen, but now James tries to stop them, saying it’s not fair because it’s 10 women. Well, go get some more guys and sit down and listen, geez. Now Lala has this awesome Norma Rae moment (thanks, Andy <3), hollering, “Oh! God forbid women stand together! I’m done with these men thinking they can do whatever the f* they want!”
Now (finally) they play the tape, at a frequency only VPR bitches can hear. KFC starts howling, and James tries to stop her, so the pack throws drunken gummies at him. He tears down the hall and squeals to Jax and Co. that it was Ariana and Lala who played the tape for Brit.
So here’s the breakdown of the contents of the tape, as pieced together by the Bitchen Babes of VPR, who aren’t going to take it anymore:
•Jax doesn’t love Brittany
•He will never marry her
•He doesn’t want to have kids with her
•They haven’t had sex for months, and he’s lost his sexual attraction to her, such as it ever was
•He’s not saying he doesn’t like being in her presence
•(Grunt, grunt, grunt)
•But not sexually.
Oh, and Faith is the best sex he’s ever had, and he’s wanted her for so long, and he can’t believe this is really happening, pinch him. No, there.
Would you date that guy? Even if he was on TV? Shame on you.
Apparently, Bravo didn’t play the tape because it was acquired illegally, as it turns out that under the laws of the state of California, consent is required from both parties to record a phone conversation. Here’s Ariana’s tweet on the matter:
We were hoping to find a sneak-release transcript out there, so we went poking around and found this very interesting Page Six article, wherein Faith claimed this was supposed to have been a threesome. Apparently KFC signed on, due to the spark being out of their relationship (see every five minutes of Jax & Brittany take Kentucky), but then Katie Maloney got in her ear and talked her out of it. And the rest is VPR history.
Well, that explains a lot. For instance, it sheds light on that weird moment at Scheana’s birthday party, when Faith told KFC she was hot.
It also explains KFC getting so horny for Jax after the cheat (playing catch-up on the threesome), and it sheds light on Jax’s mean crack about Brittany getting the Oscar. Looks like we’re on the Sherri side of the muffmunch on this one, Trashies.
It could even explain the 95 year old lady sleeping nearby.
The sad thing is, there’s no escaping it now: this is yet another fake, phony “TV relationship”, only KFC appears to be emotionally invested, and doesn’t want to let go of the dream.
Meanwhile, Faith is running around town claiming that if we actually heard what was on the tape, she’d be totally vindicated. So apparently there’s other stuff on there being withheld, possibly for TV-wedding/spinoff reasons.
This is almost killing my VPR buzz…
Nah, I’m still baked.
Back at Schwa’s, Ariana and Tom get into this big fight wherein Tom scolds Ariana for showing poor judgment. She shouldn’t have played the tape when everybody was drunk! She should have waited for a more appropriate time! Ariana wails, “It wasn’t on my Phooooonnnnee!!!” and calls Tom “obtuse”. Then, just as Tom makes a mental note to google “obtuse” at a more appropriate time, Ariana shouts at him to keep on defending Jax, throws in a few f-bomb grenades for good measure, and slams the door.
The next morning, James meets with Lisa in her office to discuss Tune-up Turn-on Turn-around Tuesdays, which he’s decided to rename “See You Next Tuesday” (because Schænə ended up taking “rage”). He says he’s been running up and down Santa Monica Boulevard, handing out these flyers and sweating like a prostitute.
He tells Lisa about the night before, and playacts Brittany screaming bloody murder. They both giggle. Then he pantomimes what Jax was doing over at Schwa’s, which was rocking back and forth and hyperventilating. Lisa guesses he was doing sit ups.
So James interviews that he actually stole the recording off Faith’s phone in the bathroom, and emailed it to himself. Okay. How did he get Faith’s phone into the bathroom in an unlocked state? Did he ask if he could play Doctor Halloween Bubble Blast in the loo while taking a dump? This whole story’s getting mighty weird, if you ask us.
Time to wrap up their meeting. “Mush, mush, get to work and no drinking,” says Lisa. “I’ll see you next Tuesday!”
“See?” grins James, “It’s catching on already.”
That night, Stassi, Katie and Schwa meet Patrick at a speakeasy, where Katie regales him with tales of the housewarming party. Also, Schwa man-crushes on Patrick, and admits to kissing some rando at Bungalow but he doesn’t remember. Patrick says this: “You don’t remember it, it’s over.”
Poor Stassi is so embarrassed about her pathetic friends, she doesn’t even notice what an open relationship she’s in!
Now we toggle between two fights, one between Tom and Ariana, and the other between Jax and Brit, the odd, surrealistic theme of both being that the girls should have taken responsibility, and that their irresponsible actions hurt Jax. I must say this is pretty exciting, seeing the Badass Betchez of VPR stand up and shine a light into the dark recesses of the VPR man-closet.
The first fight happens at Scheana’s. Lala, Tom and Ariana have come over for bagels, fruit and mimosas on TV trays. Basically in this fight, Tom hollers at Ariana to take responsibility for her actions. Ariana says maybe they should break up, and Lala says, “Love each other! Come on!”
The most interesting part of this fight is when Tom bitches that Ariana is not up his ass, ever, and he’s pretty damned pissed about that.
Meanwhile, Jax arrives home, and walks past his Google museum selfie doppelganger.
Again, Jax is hollering at KFC to take responsibility. Apparently she gave him her word as a woman that they would keep “this” between them (*wink, wink, grimace*). Interestingly, she allows him this strange, flat little moment (which pops into 3D when we peep through our “threesome” Viewmaster), then calls him dirty, and a crazy dumbass, or some such.
Wow, these guys really believe their own bassackwards BS, don’t they…
Back at SUR, we meet new hostess Billie Lee, who happens to be trans — how exciting! Lala says that not only does Billie have great tits, she’s also very open and honest, which is everything a person should be. Thank you, Lala, we so need lessons from you on how to be open and honest.
Billie says she just had a bad breakup. She was with some guy on and off for three years, and one day he woke up and realized he wanted biological kids. Waah-waaaah. Of course there are ways to do that in this day and age, if love is in the picture. Sucks that he wasted her time like that.
Billie’s not into drama, but likes both Katie and Scheana, so she’s scurrying to the bathroom or alley every time either one shows up. Not sure that’ll make for the most exciting TV.
Apparently, Lala’s the only hostess Billie is vibing with, so Lalz takes her number, and promises to invite her to stuff. Neither of them seem too thrilled about it, but we do look forward to seeing more of Billie.
Now Lala, Tom and James hit the studio to lay down some tracks for “See You Next Tuesday”. Lala does a bang-up job, hitting her vocals with a nice, strong, tuneful warble. Then she shows off her lovely manners by finding something nice to say about Tom’s trumpet playing — she says it sounds like a pack of baby dolphins learning to communicate for the first time. And Lala happens to like dolphins.
It’s time for “See You Next Tuesday”! The turnout is huge; all that sweating sure paid off. Scheana, Katie and Ariana meet exhausted in the kitchen for a breather, and Scheana tells Katie she wants to cut out all the gossip about their men kissing hos. Katie says that she was just being a friend, but agrees to a stalemate. All this friendship better stop or someone’s going to get hurt.
Then Scheana goes and bitches to Sandy about how no one will shut up about the rumor with Rob. Sandy humorously points out that it’s funny, because Schænə’s the one who won’t shut up about it — hahaha!
Now we have this amazing scene where Scheana talks with Jen Bush, who turns out to be f*in awesome. Jen says this is a good friend of hers, so she really can’t talk. Then, as Scheana’s saying she understands, Jen butts in and sings like a canary. So it turns out this hostess used to date Rob, and he came up to her, and twirled her and dipped her, and planted one right on her. Scheana’s like, “So glad you cleared that up!” Jen says, yeah, it was probably more than a girlfriend would be comfortable with, to which Scheana replies, “Finally, the truth is out! Hallelujah!”
Lisa arrives, and is delighted to see how beautifully the evening is progressing. She’s so proud of James, she tells him to keep doing what he’s doing — something he’s never heard before in his life. Then, touchingly, James calls Lisa his Queen.
Now Tom and Ariana make up in the alley. This is pretty much the worst fight they ever had, and neither of them liked it. We just wish they’d picked a more appropriate time, like, for instance, when Miami Girl showed up or something.
The next day, KFC calls her mother and says she’s going to keep on keepin’ on with Jax, because she’s a good Christian girl, and believes in forgiveness. Also, she doesn’t want to end up like her momma, married four times, and pushing her daughter into an ill-advised relationship with the dirtiest sumbitch on TV, while wearing a frosted lip and about 20 layers of self-tanner.
Yes, KFC just wants that one person, that one special man — Jax.
Okay! Enough yakking on the phone, time to go downstairs and get yelled at some more, because — newsflash — Brittany MADE him cheat. Yes, it’s all her fault, all of it, and she needs to take responsibility. If only Jax were as forgiving as she was.
Next on VPR, it’s Pride, woohoo! James throws down with Lala, and Sherri’s in town.
Till then, Trashies!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!