Howdy Trash Bags!
It’s midwinter and midweek so let’s ditch our jobs and head to the beach! Thank God for our favorite blonde playboy, Kyle, because he gives us a little reminder of what has been going on in the Summer House. Who can keep all these hoes straight? The Wircus Circus, as he calls the twins, are still tall and blonde. Lauren, the single one, has hooked up with Carl, the dental sales guy. Lindsay and Everett, the power-LESS couple, are practically picking out wedding China, even though they have only been dating for two months. Christina is super busy hating her roommate Lindsay, and Kyle has hooked up with his ex-girlfriend Amanda. Thanks Kyle…we are up to speed. But hey! You didn’t mention, Stephen! Well, he’s around. Probably face timing with his transcontinental boyfriend.
NEW CAST MEMBERS?
They wake up from a long night of partying, and Lauren looks rough. She claims it’s because she slept in her makeup. If you say so girl. This show loves to give us the timetable. Hey! Let’s run with it. It’ll be our little drunken diary.
11:00 AM- Kyle and Carl go for a run on the beach. Gotta sweat out all that alcohol! Kyle is a little annoyed with Carl and his “Irish exit” last night with Lauren. No couples in the house bro (unless it’s us.) The twins are super OCD so they are frantically cleaning the house. This place is disgusting, mostly do to Kyle and his messy drunk eating. Stephen understands how Kyle keeps his six pack abs…he drops most of his food on the floor. Sign this guy up for The Groundlings! Hilaire.
WORKOUT. CHIP…I MEAN CHECK!
11:30 AM- Our resident love birds hit the gym. Everett and Lindsay are running on the treadmills and he lets her know that he’ll bump this mile out in six minutes. Uh, I’m sure you will Everett! I’m sure you did a bump this morning and several last night. They are stretching together and recap the boy’s brunch talk from the day before. Oh, it’s so romantic that Carl had told the BS lie of how he broke up with his ex-girlfriend because he couldn’t see himself living in a cardboard box with her. They talk about ring shopping and moving in together. Didn’t Khloe and Lamar get married after about two months? Just sayin.
1:00 PM- The twins are doing yoga or meditating in their “biggest room in the house!” Ashley, the married one, will probably be moving with her husband to California after the summer. Lauren is distraught. You guys. They have only been out of the womb for 28 (38) years! They grew up in San Diego, moved to New York and even shower together! Eww. Codependent for $200 Alex.
5:00 PM- The gang is in the kitchen discussing politics. Ya know, like how it’s weird to go to the gym with your sig other. Umm, how they are going to have a low key 4th of July party, because they have to get back to their very serious careers. (Eye roll) We learn that Kyle and his late night bang, Amanda, dated for seven months. He had to break up with her because, hey, it’s summer guys! Duh. The always pleasant, Christina, calls him a drunk Peter Pan. Maybe a drunk Toys R Us kid? Whateves.
9:00 PM- The frozen margaritas have set in and the whole gang is dancing around. Carl wants to be the ultimate dancer (Patrick Swayze) and wants Lauren to jump into his arms like Dirty Dancing. Umm…the girl is pretty big! She kind of does it and they break the bed. I’m certainly having the time of my life watching these fools.
4th of July- Kyle gets into his Independence Day gear. “Happy Birthday America!” It’s a blonde mullet, Oakley’s, and a tank. Nice.
I’M GONNA GIT ‘ER DONE TONIGHT!
The twins are making food for the troops. Don’t be silly guys, not the actual troops, just enough to serve them. Don’t worry. They’ll drop most of it on the floor or throw it out, since they have to get back to the city tonight.
The married twin asks what Christina thinks of her roommate, Lindsay, moving out to live with Everett. What?! This is news to her and she takes it calmly. Or the complete opposite. She is instantly pissed and needs answers. NOW!
The guys are all hanging poolside and they get into Stephen’s upbringing in Alabama with a dad named Cletus. I immediately picture Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. Why isn’t he funny anymore?
Anyway, Stephen went to a Christian college and then moved to New York and never looked back. Kyle sincerely asks how that was, growing up in that environment and being gay. He says it wasn’t easy and that he just came out three years ago. It’s a sweet moment, and then they all realize that this serious conversation is happening with a guy in a fake mullet and a dude wading in a sprinkle covered blow up donut pool toy. They have a nice laugh and we move on.
1:00 pm- It’s time to get this party started. BBC’s all around!! Ohmigod. They are going to sit around watching the British Broadcasting Company? That’s odd on Independence Day. Silly me. It’s another frozen concoction from Kyle. Bailey’s, banana and cream. To be honest, it looks quite delicious! I’ll have to whip one up later. I’ll just use snow for ice! Anyway, we learn that Amanda is nine years younger than Kyle and he thinks it’s great to have a non-conflict relationship. That should last for about 30 more seconds.
Everyone is having fun…except for our resident Debbie Downer, Christina. She is complaining to anyone with ears how it is so rude for Lindsay to be moving out and moving in with Everett with out even telling her! Their third roomie, Katie, shows up and they have a little bitch fest…and then move on and seal their friendship with a triple kiss. About this time, we discover that Kyle has also made out with Katie last night. Was that 30 seconds up? Anyway, both ladies are at the party, so Kyle is in a “crockpot of sexual tension.”
3:00PM- The party is in high gear and they are pounding their gigantic bottles of rose. Where do you even get those? Don’t answer that. I don’t want one. Carl and Lauren are shoving cake into each others faces, and I’m thinking Lauren will have a nervous breakdown. It’s such a mess!
6:00 PM- Time to head back to New York. Are you kidding me? What a nightmare! Drinking all day just to get in a cab and sit in traffic for three hours? No thank you. Typical Carl doesn’t want the party to end, so he decides to “nama-stay” in Montauk. Everett will drive him, Lindsay and Stephen back at 4 AM. Why? So you can be MORE hungover at work?
11:00PM- Lindsay and Everett are hitting the sack…but not before they get into a huge fight. Ready to sign that lease guys? A girl texted Everett and Lindsay loses her mind. They bitch back and forth and Everett calls her insecure and thinks this whole thing is horse sh*t. I kinda agree with him, but more importantly, I appreciate the term “horse sh*t” being used.
They all make it back to New York and we get the montage of them walking through the streets on their cellphones “working.” Carl brags about his dental rep job and we learn that the twins are bloggers. Well, what do you call this? I’m a super important New York business woman too then! I’m actually beginning to like these two. I know. Scary! They said they weren’t the cutest or had the best bods growing up, but they loved fashion and they always had the best outfits. Hence the blog. They discuss Carl, as usual, and we get a peek into the apartment of the three roommates that hate each other. Christina, Katie and Lindsay are eating sushi, drinking wine and gossiping. We learn that bitchy Christina actually made out with Kyle too once. Big deal. Isn’t that what you do when you’re single and 21 in NYC? Oh, how old are these people again?
It’s Friday at noon, so it’s clearly time to ditch the office and head back to the beach!
5:00PM- Carl and Lauren arrive in Montauk but stop for a fro-yo date before heading to the house. They are actually kinda cute together, and chat about what they look for in a partner. There is some talk about tall, dark and handsome. Something about how Carl grew up chubby so he had to learn to connect. Sorry pals. I missed some of the convo because I was very distracted. Carl’s teeth matched perfectly with the yellow wall behind him. Was that just my tv? He’s the dental guy right? Can’t he score some free Crest White Strips at the very least? Yikes.
THEY CALL HIM MELLOW YELLOW
7:00PM- Married twin is chatting with her husband. He does exist! Carl wants to have a “man-off” with him to see who is more macho. Lame. I can barely tell these two men apart! They ARE both 6’5″ and in sales. OMG. Practically twins! Oh, Carl’s body is “shredded like a salad.” I see. That’s the difference.
9:00PM- Lindsay and Everett arrive and the gang is boozing with their favorite frozen drinks and dancing the night away. Stephen mumbles, “Why are we so stupid?” Good question. I’ve been asking myself that since episode one. They hit the pool and Everett begins a heart-to-heart convo with married twin. He’s replaying the text fight that he had with Lindsay and twin is giving advice.
IF ONLY I COULD READ WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. BIG ENOUGH PROMOS BRAVO?
Of course, Lindsay hears and comes out in fighting mode. Stephen and Kyle are super annoyed with the arguing, so Kyle crashes the party by jumping in and splashing the fighters. This angers the group. Everett gets super pissy and starts splashing Kyle and threatening to punch him. This guy definitely has a temper. I’d watch out Lindsay! Kyle is mad, but, he just wants to have fun with his friends and is over the arguments. I don’t blame him. Poor, party animal Kyle claps back with, “I want to have a normal summer!!!” LOL. Not happening buddy. Everett calls him “Cold Feet Cooke” because he can never manage a relationship. Uh, like you Everett? I think we’ll all pass on a relationship if it involves you. Everett gets out of the pool, pushes Lindsay aside, and we are left with a cliff hanger my friends. See ya next week party animals!