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Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, VAGINA!
Kim Twitchards’ Neck Vagina
Also previously, I laughed so hard at the Mexican Restaurant “I Feel Things, You Feel Things” one act play starring Eden Sassoon Pilates Teacher and Lisa Rinna that I missed two things. One, Eden slurred to Rinna “I honor that you feel safe with me”, which is a load of horseshit talkin’ if I ever heard it, and Two, Eden has a tattoo that says somethingsomethin KILL YOU.
Don’t. Trust. Dis. Betch.
It’s the day of Erika’s Xpnzvzz video shoot. At least she thinks it is. I don’t know how she trusts a damn thing her assistant puts in her iCal. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it 500 more times. Don’t trust a girl named Laia.
Sorry it was 7AM not 7PM ma’am. I can’t help myself.
Erika tells us that this video will be pure Erika Jayne. You’re gonna have to choke on old man balls for a couple of years before you save up enough to even watch this shit on the YouTube. The sets are INSANE you guys. I love when Erika acts like she’s on the Actor’s Studio being ass licked about her amazing resume. This ain’t the Oscars and you weren’t nominated for anything. The only thing you have in common with The Titanic is consistently going down.
So, the part where you sucked a stack of cash into your birthing canal and a flock of doves came out. How long did you prepare for that? Spiritually, I mean.
You know it’s a big shit day, cuz Mikey’s carrying his gigantic leather diaper bag to clean it up. Erika’s not really one to get method and live in a role for a few weeks before the shoot. She’s basically a silent film actress. Mikey sits on mic and tells her what to do.
Mikey: Someone’s calling you, betch!
Mikey: I don’t know girl! You gotta answer!
Erika: Have Laia do it. I’m in bed.
Mikey: PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE, ERIKA!
Hi, you’ve reached Erika Gerardi. I’m not home right now. Leave a message! And if this is my husband, I’ll finish the weeds when I have time don’t yell at my voicemail. I get charged for those minutes and you haven’t raised my allowance in six years. Beep.
Mikey: There are hot girls in your house!
Erika: I have a gun!
Mikey: They’re coming into your bedroom!
Erika: I’ll kill those sluts. Get your own geriatric castle bitches!
Mikey: They just wanna have a pillow fight!
Erika: I’ll start this house on fire before I give it to some young whores!
Mikey: SWING THE FUCKING PILLOW, ERIKA! YASSSS! PILLOW FIGHT BETCH! LOVEEEE EEEEET!
The lyrics are priceless. “My kitty’s like a python, Tick Tickin’ like a time bomb. Limited Edition got a buyer with no try-on!” I can’t wait to hear Andre Bocelli cover this shit. Trump is having trouble finding someone to perform at his inauguration, and I’m floored that no one has extended an invite to EJ. No one can spread the “Grab ‘em by the pussy” message quite like her. Who needs Jennifer Holliday?
Mikey is hissing “YAASSSS!” and “EVERYTHAAAANG!” as wind machines blow fake ones at Erika and the rent-a-hos on the bed. Still, the video isn’t gay enough, so he deepthroats his mic.
Erika watches back and says “Yesssssss. We’re giving them pillows!” HAHAH I love this show.
Rinna and Eileen come in for a visit. Rinna is amazed by pretty much everything. “Is it raining dollars? I LOVE DOLLARS! Cash dollars, sand dollars. Don’t throw sand dollars at her or she’ll bleed and she’s an AMAZING friend BABY!” After splashing them with goo like they’re sitting in the front row at Sea World, Erika takes them on a tour of the set. “These sets have entrances and exits so you can come in and out of them!” You know you’ve made it when you can afford…doors. You go, girl.
Eileen gave her a part on her soap, so she should get a part in Erika’s video. She proves that she can do it by giving us some Jazz Hands TM. Eileen is the one celebrity who should never guest star in Chicago the Musical. She’ll be offended before she’s even done singing All That Jazz. “Come on babe, why don’t we paint the town? And all that J…Wait. I said let’s paint the town. Why aren’t you painting it? Now you’re making me look like the hoodlum, painting the town alone. It was supposed to be both of us. You’re going out of your way to make me look like a criminal and I have CHILDREN!”
Bob Fosse would have thrown a lit cigarette at her head and fired her ass. He’s dead, though, and doesn’t direct this show, so she stays. As Erika walks away to get ready for her performance at the Honda dealership in Kokomo, Rinna shakes her head. “What a vision. WHAT A DELIGHT! I LOVE ERIKA JAYNE!” She and Eileen do their own version of the video in front of an empty hot tub.
PK and Dorit are at home watching one of the nannies shove ketchup down their kid’s throat. Dorit wants Jagger to call her “Mama”. He refuses. I get it, kid.
Dance music. Shots of the closet J-Lo broke up with. Twelve terrible accents. As she gets ready to go out, Dorit tells PK “About Erika’s vagina…” OH JESUS. His necks warble in anticipation. She relays the Game Night story to him. “Eileen told me BE QUIET!” PK agrees with Eileen that Dorit tells really long stories, but still. They know Boy George. And as Boy would say, “Hashtag Get a Loife!” Oh God. It makes me really sad that Boy George walks around an about to be foreclosed on house that J-Lo was sad in muttering “hashtag” anything. As George Michael would have said, “Hashtag If you’re that desperate, you should have called me and just stayed here. And please stop hashtagging things YOU OLD STRAIGHT FUCKWIT.”
PK, already laughing at his own bitchery, thinks Dorit should have burned Eileen with “I’m calling you a broomstick Uber!” Good one, brah. Full of jokes, he adds that Dorit should get Eileen a mixer and Rinna a cookoo clock. I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about, but Dorit coos that “Nuh mattah what uh’m feelin’, he can soothe meh with just a couple-uh wuhyahds!” These two are about as literate as a word jumble on the back of a box of Fruity Pebbles.
It’s Kyle’s turn. Kyle only talks about her money, her husband’s job, or Kim. Shake up the bag. We’ve got her husband’s job for the win! Whoever guessed husband’s job, please come to the front and get your prize: a really bored blogger queen. Congrats.
Mauri and Kyle are showing Lisa and Ken an unfinished mansion in Malibu. Mauri sells it as a property without a price tag. “They can come in and design it however they want!” In other words, the fake ass “rich” person who started this dump didn’t have the funds to finish it and now wants to offload it before Wells Fargo takes it back. Kyle, acting like she’s not a slumlord, tells us that Mauri works night and day. “He went from working for…someone else, to owning his own business!” Um, he worked for your brother in law then stole his clients. I get why you wouldn’t wanna say that in your interview, but please stop trying to make it sound like Mauri climbed off a boat with a magical gift that’s inspiring humanity. You stole.
And good for you, betch! Why should Large Marge (Kathy) have all the fun? Mauri is always working, but it’s ok. He’s only doing it for the children! Whenever someone says “It’s for the children”, they’re fucking liars. That goes for Presidents and Kyles. Always. A. LIE. Portia may not have a full time mouth breathing dad around to support her emotionally in her childhood, but she does get to say stuff like “Daddy, are we driving the Bentley to lunch?” on the weekends. I would have much preferred a Bentley to dad hugs. No offense, dad!
At lunch, Lisa tries to pretend her poor friend selling an unfinished poor person house is thrilling while Portia gets funny pics of her on Snapchat. I was super bored with the scene, so I did it too. I could have saved a lot of pages and time over the years by using Snapchat to recap this shit. I mostly keep watching to see the yearly facial morphs, and Snap got all seasons of Vanderpump in one shot.
Kyle blabs about Mauri while wearing a too small bathing suit, Vanderpump waxes poetic about becoming a grandma, and Portia speaks for America with her reaction to this scene.
Rinna and Eden meet to shop, cuz they bonded over salsa and they’re like really deep. You know this relationship won’t last because they do the unthinkable in LA: they kiss on the lips. Nothing says fake relationship like a real kiss.
The internet seems to agree that Eden is a Sandra Bullock lookalike, but all I see is Brandi Glanville with a decent haircut. Especially that squeal. She and Rinna are SO EXCITED to be hanging out! And shopping! Are those YOGA PANTS? I LOVE YOGA! Also Yogi Bear. What a man! Always true to his friend. Did he solve mysteries? I forgot. Who cares? Why are these yoga pants SO CUTE? AND DO YOU SELL THEM IN YOGI’S SIZE I WANNA SEND HIM A PREZZIE!
Eden, who uses too many words in her sentences to convey that she’s spiritual and didn’t have a Jack n’ Coke for breakfast, gushes that the Game Night party “was so fun in SO many ways.” How many ways, Eden? HOW MANY? Rinna had fun too…until Kim Twitchards showed up and yelled at her for no reason! She just doesn’t get it. She just wants to help poor Twitch, but everyone thinks she’s a fuckin’ bitch. It’s like yelling at the Bounty man for wanting to clean up spills. Who does that?
The Kabbalah string really makes this.
Eden says that Kim was vomiting spitfire fuel, whatever the fuck that means. Twitch was telling all the ladies that Rinna was being mean to her. Is saying congrats on having a grandbaby (and being sober enough to know it) a diss? GUILTY! I want her to have an amazing life! Call the popo and take me away for wanting Kim Richards to smile! Eden is like um yeah you’re amazing so that Kyle’s a dick, right? Rinna says that Kyle stays out of it, or else the fights are way bloodier. Cut to montage of Kim/Kyle fights over the years. So many fun times, but my personal fave is when Kim was wasted and late for everything in Hawaii and defended herself by accusing Kyle of talking on her cellphone while she drives. I can’t help but wonder how many dead pedestrians those two have left in their wake.
Back at lunch in Malibu, Ken is furious about how rude Rinna was to Twitch at the party. And by furious, I mean he’s mumbling about Leave it to Beaver getting cancelled while rocking back and forth and silently fahting. Vanderpump the Grudge Master jumps in and agrees, trying to make Kyle talk shit on camera so she doesn’t have to fight for herself during the reunion this season. Lisa says that asking Twitch about her arrest at the table was low, but what was she supposed to do with her anger? Try to strangle the turkey neck again? Ken mumbles “Well she gunna done.” LOL. Ken’s ole English is getting new Street. I like hip hop Ken.
Kim hasn’t stolen any chachkis from the house for awhile and she’s stealing dresses instead of stealing money for dresses out of Kyle’s purse, so Kyle’s keeping the peace. Rinna said some mean shit she couldn’t take back, and that’s that. She’s not wrong, but you gotta love the editors for inserting Kyle yelling at Kim for being a drunk and outing her on national TV in season one to remind us that Kyle is no stranger to the “can’t take back” line of thought.
Vanderpump tells us “Kyle’s supportive and you won’t hear otherwize” from me! Zipped lips and far off gaze, as if she didn’t just reference Kim being a drunk ten times along with Rinna being a terrible person on national TV.
Back at the store, Eden is telling Rinna that she’s all about tough love. “The day my sister died, she called me to go out for New Years and I pressed DELETE.” Yikes. What an awkward thing to brag about in public. She should star in new “What To Do if Someone is Choking in the Restaurant” posters. You could do the Heimlich, or you could just step over the flesh speedbump on your way out and grab a mint. It’s 2017. If you don’t wanna choke, don’t swallow down the wrong pipe MORONS.
Addiction and choking are two different things, obviously, but we’ve all already been through so much with Twitch’s addiction. I can’t take someone else’s. Especially someone else’s with a side of dead addict sister. No. Pass.
Rinna high fives the dead sister story. She gets it, baby! It’s what Kyle’s afraid of. Kyle’s an enabler, and Twitch is like five minutes away from the Grim Reaper showing up at her door in the Valley and offering her one last line of meth off his ass cheeks. “She’s this close to death!” Rinna believes that Twitch is semi sober, and you know what? That’s sober enough for me. Living in LA, I’ve learned a very important lesson: Have fun, but not so much fun that you’re forced into a hospital that makes you stop having fun forever. Make sense? Then you’re not high enough. Get smokin.
Eden’s sick of talking about other people’s addictions, too. She turns her aim to the sober one. Kyle. “I didn’t get any love! I brought her a gift…even when I said bye, nothing.” Addicts have a way of turning everything around on the enablers, so it’s pretty obvious where this is going. On the other hand, I have no doubt Kyle was cold to Eden. Whenever someone introduces themselves by saying “I don’t drink”, alarm bells go off. Anyone who’s dealt with a loved one’s addiction knows “I don’t drink” is followed by a mental dot dot dot “right now. But when I do, I’m gonna steal shit and crash your car into a Marshall’s storefront and you’ll have to be ok with it cuz DISEASE.”
I know what will fix all of this! A lunch! Lunch fixes everything. BRB. That was delicious.
Rinna is taking a ride in Kyle’s new car, and Kyle insists on parking it herself because the Valet won’t know how to lift the front so that the entrance doesn’t scrape the bottom of the car. Like a good friend, Rinna gets out and lifts the fuckin’ thing.
They’re meeting Eden, who’s brought a large jar of lemon juice, because as she tells the waiter, she’s on a cleanse. Is Eden really this healthy or is the bitch just poor? She refuses to spend any damn money. Waiter’s Worst Nightmare. Kyle thinks this is gonna be her intro to free hair product. Rinna hasn’t told her it’s a double enablervention.
Eden compliments Kyle’s wedding ring, which almost launches Kyle into Extra Large Marge stories. Eden interrupts her to ask if her mom was a drunk, too. Kyle’s like um….back then it was called living under the stress of pimping out her children instead of getting a damn job. YOU try selling Kyle nine faces ago and see if you don’t get a little thirsty. OK. If mom wasn’t a textbook alcoholic, where did Kim get it from?
Kyle has been trapped and she knows it. As confirmation, Rinna sits there bobbing her head up and down blankly like a buoy trying to save an idiot from swimming too far out into the ocean.
Kyle’s officially pissed. “Does it have to come from somewhere?” Eden blinks her hamster eyes. Um, yes. If addiction isn’t genetic, it would mean having to take personal responsibility. This is Los Angeles. Get with it, Kyle. If everything bad that happens in your life isn’t your mother’s fault, she didn’t love you enough to cause you harm. HUGS! Eden starts crying about Kim’s pain, and Kyle reminds me why despite all her fakeness, meanness and underhanded bullshit, I like her.
Eden cries that Kim is very sad and violent and reminds her of her sister. Kyle, resisting the urge to smack this bitch, asks “You got all that from Game Night?” LOL. Kim’s energy is heavy! Kyle shrugs. That’s just her personality. You’d have heavy energy too if you were forced to not drink in public or have Dr. Phil yelling at your voicemail. Eden has questions, dammit! Is Kim in a program? Does she have a sponsor? Orbitz or Trident? Crust or no crust? Water filter or tap water? WHAT IS KIM’S INNER VOICE NEEDING?!
Kyle just stares at this new hamster face drinking her out of her own bottle in a restaurant. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” When Eden won’t quit talking about the dark spirit that is Kim Twitchards, Kyle shrugs and says that Twitch and Rinna’s drama goes way back. This isn’t her battle and she’s not gonna fight it. Especially at a lunch she’ll most likely get stuck with the bill for. Eden wipes her phony tears away and nods. “Kim is journeying.” This is what happens when you spend money sending children to therapy. They’re still fucked up little assholes, but they know bigger more spiritual ways to convey it so you can’t just spank them and send them to bed without dinner.
Rinna is on the defense. It wasn’t just a problem with Rinna and Twitch! “We were all there! We experienced the ripple effect!” Like Twitch is an earthquake. OK, yes, everyone tapes stuff down in fear of her coming for a visit, but still. That’s a bit much.
Kyle tells Rinna to just let it go already because this conversation is counterproductive. Rinna argues, eyes bugging, “It’s awful for everyone! IT HAS TO BE!” Kim is the only person getting this many consistently terrible Yelp reviews from the Rinnstagator, and she doesn’t like it. She’d like to happily type “Kim Richards is open and amazing baby! The bread was fresh, the water had lemon and the air conditioning made me FEEL SAAAAFE!” but she can’t. Rinna can take a lot, but giving regular one star reviews just isn’t in her makeup. This needs to end with Twitch calling in to apologize to Lisa Rinna for being an addict or it will never end.
Kyle doesn’t have an opportunity to try and sell someone a house right now and she’s already shown off her car and talked about Twitch, so she’s got nothing left in her personality arsenal. She just sits there and watches Rinna work herself into a tizzy. Rinna tells us that “Me and Eileen have already been down this path”, as if they survived Vietnam together and are both waiting for the VA hospital to call with peg leg approval. “I hope this is a step toward healing, but it could backfire.” You don’t continually stab someone in the same spot and then ask why they’re bleeding, dude. Rinna will never be a nurse.
Vanderpump and Ken are at the adoption agency they bought Max at. Max is interested in knowing where he came from, if only to brag that he overcame his inherited dental issues with a brand new grill. TAKE THAT, SNAGGLETOOTHED MOM WHO DITCHED ME! Lisa isn’t psyched about this. What if the birth mom was also fabulous and rich and loved pink and adopted thirty million animals? What if she stops dog torture? What if she’s BETTER? I know that people are split on Vanderpump, but even if you hate her, you have to admit that she’s more fabulous than your mom, no matter who your mom is.
Lisa tells the story of buying Max. She was sick of adopting children in foreign lands with flies on their faces who wrote her two sentence letters of thanks in response to her parenthood. When she went into Sally Struther’s office to complain, Sally ate the sandwich right out of Lisa’s hand, burped, and told her that she had a baby busboy being imported soon. Lisa, in who loves having her tea cleared when she’s done with it, fell in instant love. She didn’t know what Max looked like, but she knew he was trained to soak rags in a bleach mixture and refill water when a glass was less than sixty percent full.
She adds that Max was kinda homely, but he was large enough to fit into Pandora’s hand me downs so she kept him. AW! Pandy immediately fell in love with him. Once Lisa taught her not to put mustard on his face to taste him, they got along swimmingly. The story makes her cry, which makes me cry. Just kidding! It made me roll my eyes and scream “GROW A PAIR” at the TV. As if reading my mind, she apologizes for acting like an emotional idiot. I really love this woman.
They look over the parents’ file together. Max points out that his birth father both played guitar and started growing his first mustache at six, just like Max! I’m guessing he was a busboy. As Lisa points out, natural talent like his comes from someplace.
No word on whether or not the mother enjoys rosé or has a hobby of saving the lives of hobbled midget donkeys. She’s unsure whether or not she should bring birth mom to town. She’ll probably have to give her a job at one of the restaurants and doesn’t want to be responsible for her catching the herps. Ken, bouncing off the back wall after roombaing up some dust bunnies, mutters an idea. “Let’s get a private detective to spy on them, and if they’re not losers we’ll take them to dinner.” This is the sweetest scene I’ve seen in a long time, and I just sat through Eden crying about a stranger’s addiction over a lemon cleanse.
Erika is in Kokomo preparing for her big show. Mike snaps and twirls and EVERYTHANGS a lot before laying her schedule on her. She’ll be appearing at the Honda dealership at 3AM. It’s pride weekend, and drunk queens want test drives at all times of night. Plus, the dealership will be closed and there’ll be less chance of Erika being arrested for loitering.
Kyle arrives and squeals and compliments Erika on the caftan she bought her in Dubai. Erika says “I’m so glad I got a chance to wear it!” LOL. Poor Kyle can only get people to wear her fashions in other countries. Erika likes Kyle, cuz Kyle doesn’t judge her like some OTHER women. Cut to Dorit talking about vagina in thirty different pretend languages. Erika normally doesn’t hang out with women because of their judgmental natures, which I don’t buy. How can you stand hanging out with queens? We’re a hundred times as judgey as women. It’s our nature. You don’t like hanging out with other women because they try and cut you when you flirt with their husbands, ya skank. See?
Dorit only has one nanny on duty today, so she has to actually hold her child to wait for it to get ironed.
This wrinkly behbeh is disgoisteen meh!
She nags the Iron Nanny about how to properly iron, as if the poor woman has never smoothed out a child. I’m impressed with how much more awful of a human being Dorit can be with each passing scene. She’s really breaking that glass floor.
She tells us that she’s obsessed with perfection and attention to detail. Most people who don’t do their own ironing are. You know Dorit would have a dirty house and smell like five days of ass if she didn’t have people to clean for her. She HATES conflict, which means she likes being an asshole but hates when people call her an asshole. To remedy this, she’s going to tell people to stop calling her an asshole. Spoiler alert: it won’t work.
She sits at a desk made of mirror. You’d think that would be her first clue to work on herself. Instead, she calls Eileen.
Dorit: Hello, Eileen. This ehs Doreet. Friend of CELEBRITY Boy George.
Eileen: I’m on a do not call list.
Dorit turns up the speaker on her phone. Surely the volume is at fault for her not hearing the gratefulness in Eileen’s voice at receiving this call.
Dorit: Things wehe a beet hahted at Game Noight and I would love for you and ya friend, who I shall dew the honah of galleen in a momahntito, to jern mah fah a deezcushun!
Eileen: No hablo espanol, c**t. (Click).
Rinna is next. She’s much happier to hear from Dorit. Rinna is the type who loves telemarketers. “I’M AMAZING! How are you?! We are happy with our cable company but we could always be happier! Who doesn’t wanna be happier? Do you get people who actually say they don’t wanna be happier? Because those people are liars! We all wanna be happier with our cable company, BABY! Let’s do this together! You and me! We’ll be friends! My daughter is a model. I also have one who tries making pasta out of vegetables and hates me a little. How bout you? Do you have kids? Do they work? Do they want to? CHILDREN SHOULD HUSTLE! Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?” Busy signal. “I’m busy too, baby! I’m a strong busy woman! BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!” Backwards monkey laugh.
Both women agree to meet up with Dorit, against their better judgment. Dorit, the type to ask herself questions because they’re the only kind she can answer, says “Do I have reservations? Slightly!” When the hostess asks her that question, she will mostly likely give the same nonsensical answer. “Do you have reservations?” “Slightly!”Then she’ll flash that wide eyed glimmer that only truly stupid people flash.
Dude get off the rails. You’re scaring the children.
Kyle is in Kokomo watching Erika rehearse. Mikey yells at the gayployees to pull it together. This is a new number and they have five minutes to learn how to do it dammit. Erika says that she’s done all the vocal work she has to do, which means she’s had Siri read the lyrics into a Mac and paid someone a lot of money to make the sound resemble music. She hasn’t worked on the physical part much, though, so this day is very important. I’m interested to see what new tricks Mikey is gonna teach her vag. I’m hoping for a step ball change or a time step. That vag needs to tap. That’ll keep the iTunes numbers pouring in.
No vaginal time steps here! But there are a lot of half naked dudes thrusting their groin at us so this song is an auto win. It’s also comforting to know that Erika is rich and famous and still has to pay for hot dudes to thrust their groins at her. It makes life seem kinda fair.
Kyle sits on the couch and watches, which is why she’ll never get a spinoff.
Rinna and Eileen are waiting for Dorit at lunch. Of course Dorit’s ass is late. Eileen’s gonna go ahead and order without her so she can get a couple of gulps down before talking about someone’s vagina for an hour. Rinna, still trying to convince us all that she doesn’t have an eating disorder, opens her eyes really big and says “I’m ALWAYS hungry!” We know. It’s because you don’t eat. Keep up the good work. You’re my hero!
Eileen says that they have met two Dorits, and she hopes the one that arrives here today is not the dick version. Nah, she was a dick the first time you met her, too. It just wasn’t to you so it was more acceptable. The giant rose colored Hertz rental arrives, and Dorit is dressed like she has called a board meeting and is about to fire everyone. She keeps the business lady attitude as she greets the girls. “Hallouah Eileen and Lisa. I would like today’s meutahn less heahtad and escalate!” Huh? Rinna, not sure if this woman just suggested they order salsa or not, smiles.
Eileen looks at Dorit like “I don’t know what the fuck this idiot is saying, but she hasn’t thrown wine at me or accused me of stealing my husband, so I’ll give it a go.”
Dorit says that she had too much to drink at the pahteh, but that’s no excuse for her not saying anything rude or offensive. She makes zero sense, but it’s a pretty good defense mechanism. I can’t fault her for that. “I’m sorry I was too drunk to tell you how correct I was.” She tells Eileen that she doesn’t understand, after why Dorit told Erika’s vagina story a million times, that Eileen would feel the need to talk about it even more. “I reallah want ta undastahnd why ya keep breengan eet ope!”
Rinna, who is nothing if not a team player, assures Eileen that she didn’t bring it up too much. What were you saying about enabling again? There’s a difference between being on someone’s side and refusing to tell them the truth, Rinna. When my best friend tells me I look fat in the clothes I just bought two sizes too small like Kyle, it helps. It doesn’t make me change my outfit, but it does let me know that I’m extremely overweight, which makes me insecure enough to try really hard to please people with my personality instead of my body. See? Without honest friends, I’d be a very quiet person in tight clothes. HUGS!
Dorit won’t stop yammering, and she’s trying on a Chinese/Argentinian/French/German accent that’s making it harder than usual to understand her. Eileen says “I understand.” Here’s Eileen’s “I understand” face.
Eileen insists that she wasn’t trying to incite an accent riot when they met in Malibu, she was just trying to have a convers….
Dorit interrupts. “Eileen. Daaaaaaahling.” Eileen can’t even be mad at this point. Count Chocula is telling her off. “On the night of the gaayuuuuums…”
Eileen tells her “let me finish” like Iron Nanny trying to complete a newborn before moving onto a ballgown. She apologizes very eloquently for any misunderstanding. Dorit says “Thank yeeewoh! Now. About this text messagehn nonsehnzeries!”
Rinna jumps in, because Eileen is about to start laughing her ass off in this buffoon’s face. She says that the text message fiasco was her doing, and the issue wasn’t what Dorit and PK said at this point, but that she couldn’t remember it. Dorit laughs grandly and says “Ehm sa sawry that I can’th remembahs thaht moment in toime! I have a choild with a squishy head shaped like celebrity Boy George in a one piece and anuthah behbeh who speaks like tha national anthem being recited by a schooal of deaf childrahns.”
Rinna says that if she could rewind, she wouldn’t have sent the text in the first place so that Eileen wouldn’t have been driven nuts trying to understand it and Dorit wouldn’t have had to pretend she’s starring in Memento. Eileen asks if they can press the reset button. LOL. Remember when Hillary did that with Russia? Turned out great!
Dorit tells us that she’ll never forget the way these awful women boolied her, but it’s a start. Eileen says that from now on, she’s taking a vow of silence. Rinna looks straight into the camera like a Golden Girl and says “I’m gonna take a valium!”
The studio audience laughs really hard. Dorit asks “Can I have one?” The audience stops laughing, because Dorit has the eye popping idiocy of a cokehead, and her husband has the sweaty jiggly personality and about-to-bust-open face veins as one. In a show that revels in addict interventions, Dorit’s and PK’s could be the most fun yet. Time will tell….