Hey Trash Bags!
Let’s get right to it, because I AM PISSED! We start the season with the one and only Tyra Banks as our esteemed advisor. I thought Rocco DiSpirito was a VERY steep downgrade for week 2…until I see this chick. Umm…her name is Gemma Godfrey and she’s the CEO of something. Sorry to her super fans, but, I couldn’t be bothered to Google what her company is.
WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU, BUT HE’S YUMMY
The gang of has-beens, never-will-be’s, and who’s? are at Peterson’s Automotive Museum and are surrounded by beautiful cars. Unfortunately, the Kawasaki people are there, and the task will be to create a photo campaign for their motorcycles. This gal may have hopped on the back of a bike with a hot dude a few times in her day…wind in her hair…not a care…wait, what are we talking about? Memories…light the corners of my mind.
Oh right, project managers. It’s Kyle Richards for the ladies and Carson Kressley for the ladies. Oops, men. Basically the men are focusing on the idea that the weird lady with the nose ring gave them: Everybody and Every Body can ride these bikes. Carson and Boy kind of take the lead. Carson worked for Ralph Lauren (which I had completely forgotten) and Boy is a photographer in his spare time…which is ALL of his time these days. They decide to stay in the studio and make their photos very artsy and provocative, which is what the company asked for. They do a photo of Ricky Williams in a throw back to one Arnie did years ago. They have women, men, old, young, black, white, drag queen….RECORD SCRATCH! Okay, now I think it’s a great idea and totally out of the box (no pun intended) but I spent the next ten minutes trying to figure out this woman’s name! The end was continually bleeped and finally I DID have to Google (apologies to Gemma). I ONE HUNDRED PERCENT was certain that they were saying, “Alaska ThunderCu*t.” Now, I have zero problems with that word. I actually enjoy using it, but some of my besties have major probs, so I’ll leave it at that. Anywho, come to find out it’s Alaska Thunderfu*k…much more classy. Miss Thunderfu*ck does a beautiful photo, and not to be out done, Carson feels it’s necessary for him to do a “tasteful nude” on the bike as well. Ummm….myself and most of the men scream, “No thank you!” Boy is down with it, and they proceed with the disgusting photo.
Team Prima, was that the name? Whatever, the ladies decide to take it to the streets for their photo shoot. They want to show that the bike is for everyone and focus on the different attributes. They have Kyle, who is 5’2″ (I totally tower over her at 5’3″) and the basketball star Lisa Leslie who is like 6’5″ or something in one shot. This will show how the bike is diverse for every size. Smart. They show Laila Ali as a strong biker chick and Porsha as a girlie girl, who can all ride. Now. This is the moment where I REALLY got pissed! Brooke Burke-Charvet (I hate a hyphen) has the great idea that her husband will come down and do a photo shoot with her, where she is driving the bike and he is on the back. It’ll show diversity, that anyone can drive it, and girl power. Great idea, right? Well, not if your husband is a complete asshole.
DAVID HASSEL…NOPE, JUST HASSLE
Alright, now I watched Baywatch (don’t judge, I was like 10) and who doesn’t love Lifetime? Hence I actually know who this man is. Yes, he is still hot, but what a D! He comes all the way down to the set, and refuses to get on the back of the bike. He’s too “macho” for that. Brooke subsides like a battered woman (alledgely) and takes the pic with him in the drivers seat. What man wouldn’t just hop on the back and take the photo?! PLUS it’s for his wife. PLUS he’s an “actor”/model who I haven’t seen working in YEARS!!! You guys, I’m beyond pissed at both of them.
YOUR HAT IS DUMB AND SO ARE YOU!
Well, thank God the men win…again. Carson wins $50,000 for his LGBT charity and all is right in the world. Now, you’ll come to know that I’m a HUGE housewives fan. I watch them all. Yes, even Potomac, Dallas, DC…and yes, I’m aware that I need a life. The point of this is that I always root for my wives and I know they can throw down in the boardroom…as they do at their reunions each season. I realize that she is hated by RHOBH fans, but I’m rooting for my girl Kyle. As project manager, she brings in Brooke because the Kawaski peops thought her dumbass husband should have been on the back. Okay, one last side note on this. I hate him now, but then why didn’t she just say F it and grab some guy off the street??? I’m still fuming. Oh yeah, and Porsha is brought in, since she had something to do with something. She’s not going home. So, Kyle and Brooke plead their cases as Arnold injects himself into the debate, AS ALWAYS! Something about fighting to be Mr. Olympia? We get it Arnie…you’re cool. They both are very calm and articulate, but in the end Kyle is terminated. I’m sad, and Bravo fans cheer!
The women clearly suck, so Arnie mixes the teams. I can’t deal with the dumb team names so we’ll just go with the project managers moving forward. New teams are:
Carson, Porsha, Vince, Chael, Lisa
Boy George, Matt Iseman, Lovitz, Ricky, Laila, Brooke
This will be the classic task where we see who has the richest friends. It’s the fund raising task. Billionaire, Warren Buffett, owns See’s Candies, so they must make a new flavor of candy and sell it (or just have their pals donate money.) Brooke wants to redeem herself by being project manager, but, Ricky says he can raise more money. Uh, duh. She can’t get her husband to do what she needs, and she can get major cash from people?! Doubtful. Ricky claims he can raise 200-300 thousand, so he is project manager. Vince Neil from the other team has pull, so he is project manager as well.
Buffett will taste both candies and give $25,000 to add to the winning team. They get cooking. Laila concocts Ricky’s teams chocolate, as she has written cook books. Who knew? Chael is Buffett’s stalker and has read all of his books, and Lisa is shocked that he has ever read a book. Anyway, Matt Iseman, thinks he can’t raise that much cash so he heads to the kitchen to make the chocolate with Laila. She didn’t realize that he was a stand-up comedian, and I don’t think she finds him funny.
NOT ONLY A COMIC… A DR TOO!
Porsha and Carson cook for their team and Lovitz and Chael are sent to Omaha to give a taste of the chocolate to Warren Buffett. These two are sent for different reasons. Lovitz, because he is bugging the shizz out of everyone on his team, most of all the project manager, Ricky. Chael goes because he already has the address and knows where the man lives.
TASTES LIKE A BILLION BUCKS!
Both teams head to their See’s stores and Ricky’s team starts signing the boxes of candy. Hummm…how much does a Brooke Burke-Charvet autograph go for these days? Well, Ricky’s team is getting a lot of foot traffic, but not a ton of big donations. Boy George’s fans come out in droves to see him and buy a box of chocolate. It’s pretty sweet considering these people have no money- his words not mine. Brooke is a little nervous because she isn’t hearing any big numbers. Ricky said he has tons of friends in the pot industry and football that will donate. Luckily my dad happened to be semi-watching this monstrosity with me, because when I mumbled, “I wonder why he is so in with the mary j bizz. Probably because he was injured and uses it medicinally.” Well, pops told me that he kinda a douche in the NFL, but that he ended up getting fined or kicked out because he tested positive for marijuana. OH! Now I see! (PS, this has no merit and is coming from my 70 year old, very handsome dad- I did zero research on this, so comment on the facts if you desire.)
I almost forgot that he was a project manager, or on the show, but Vince Neil’s team is brining in major bucks, as promised! They don’t have many commoners strolling in, but they have checks! Carrot Top stops by and looks completely heinous, but offers up a giant sum of money.
Scroll down if you aren’t a Bravoholic like myself, because you won’t understand these next few sentences…
The girls from Hooter’s show up with a check for Vince’s team…I wish Jax’s stupid girlfriend was there!
Kyle Richards- who JUST got kicked off, showed up with Mauricio and Portia in tow and donated $10,000. The other Porsha had asked and housewives stick together! Guess, Mauricio’s real estate biz is doing well…and Kyle’s new show that got picked up? Will we be watching??
OMG! Boy’s manager comes in and gives $80,000. I’m staring at the pregnant woman thinking that she looks familiar. DUH! Boy’s manager?! They only CONSTANTLY talk about it on the newest season of RHOBH. Dear God, it’s Dorit and PK. UGH. Isn’t he bankrupt? Eh, who cares…NEXT!
We’re back! We are in the boardroom and we discover that Boy raised the most money ($80,000.) DAMN!
Ricky’s team: $365,740
Vince’s team: $378,535
I’m a little shocked at this considering that they made it seem like Vince had it in the bag. It will come down to the billionaire’s preference in gross chocolate made by celebrities. Vince’s team wins and gets the extra $25,000 for his charity. It is the Cleveland Clinic for Brain Disease, and he has a friend that recently died from this, so it is very emotional when he discovers that he will receive BOTH teams winnings for his charity ($769,000) Wowzers! That’s awesome.
Ricky’s team loses and he brings back Laila (she made the recipe that lost) and Lovitz (he raised $500.00) YES! $500 people! What the hell?! Even I could do that! Arnie makes a good argument that Ricky should go home, since him and Lovitz are pals. In the end, Lovitz is sent to the chopper! And his little dog too!!
See ya next week for more shenanigans!