This week, Porsha reignites her acting career. She rehearses with her assistants and I can unequivocally say that with her in the acting world the Oscars will remain #sowhite.
Kim and Sheree meet for lunch and while they wait for NeNe, they discuss the time Kim demolished her house in the fight she started with Kenya. They both like Porsha because besides spreading rape rumors, she’s just a ball of lighthearted fun. Kim agrees that the rumors were terrible but Kandi has a lot of skeletons including wanting to “lick [Kim’s] box” and I don’t think she’s talking about her Amazon order. She also says that something is wrong with Kandi for sharing her man in threesomes.
“Big Poppa and I were classy enough to have a televised secret affair.”
Sheree tells Kim about her prison boo. Kim lists all of the insults she’ll hear from other people because they are the same ones she’ll hurl the moment she and Sheree have a fight. She says to ignore it and get that good dick…in about 4 years.
Sheree gets NeNe on the phone and she refuses to attend the lunch because there are elephants in the room that require a bigger conversation. NeNe is annoyed that Kim went to her house uninvited and proceeded to break glasses and called NeNe out for being in a handicapped spot. Kim kicked her parents out of her house for less than that so she should be grateful NeNe let her leave without an invoice.
Kim says that NeNe is on something, then calls her car a Rent-A-Royce and then says that NeNe had over 20 cockroaches in her bathroom. Like her mom, Brielle crashed NeNe’s party and captured bugs in the background of her selfies. But yeah, there aren’t any elephants whatsoever Kimbo.
The Bailey Agency is still in business and having a book drive. I think it’s still in business. When Cynthia walks in she looks legitimately surprised that there aren’t padlocks and a sheriff’s order on the door. Kenya, Mal and Will show up so they can take turns embarrassing Cynthia. Will is going to Brazil where legal prostitution and big butts flourish. Cynthia tells him to visit and stay at the Jesus statue the whole time. Kenya pulls Cynthia aside to tell her to stop acting like this. This is the second time Cynthia has needed a mid-date intervention.
Will: Don’t worry. I’ll have this image of you in overalls and bifocals to ward off temptation.
Kairo shows up at the chateau with groceries and a bag of charcoal to put them all out of their misery if needed. Tyrone calls and Sheree immediately says that her back still hurts from the accident. Meanwhile, he says that the government withheld evidence in his case and it will all be revealed soon. It’s so beautiful when two scam artists find each other.
NeNe books a session with an energy healer named Mbele. She asks for a loose description of the group’s issues as if she hasn’t watched every episode since 2008. Mbele takes everyone’s phones as they arrive. More interestingly, she hugs Kandi after saying she doesn’t shake hands. The producers cut in footage of her shaking both NeNe and Cynthia’s hands. Maybe Mbele is Team Small.
Cynthia is mad at Kandi for grilling Will. Kandi wants to be sure that her friend isn’t being used. Cynthia takes that to mean she isn’t dateable and Kandi has to reassure the model that she’s pretty. Gag me with a spoon. Also, how are they not gagging? These are the worst simultaneous eater-talkers on TV.
Kim, Porsha and Sheree meet and head to the healer together. They go to the healer with Solo cups in hand and refuse to turn in their phones. Well Kim and Porsha refuse. Sheree is hoping that she’ll swap her pre-paid out for someone else’s. Kim says that she has six babies at home so she’ll turn the volume down – like she did with their baby monitors during episodes of Botched.
As the energy session starts, the lights begin flickering.
“I see an evil spirit has arrived.”
“I see a stack of unpaid light bills on your counter.”
Mbele says NeNe hasn’t been a little girl, with a little nose, for a long time. Although she can’t believe she’s saying it, she says that NeNe is a sweetheart who cares about people.
“Perfect but I’m not letting your kids out of the trunk til you get Porsha to apologize.”
She says that Kandi gets deja vu a lot which isn’t surprising because another psychic told her the same thing.
“That’s so true. Sometimes I eat and I’m like, didn’t I just eat?”
Mbele says that Cynthia doesn’t want to hear what others say but this time they’re right about her new man. She needs to protect herself, her name and her pride. Not her school though. No one can make that school worse. Kenya is told that she won’t be here long because she has another destiny. That was a nice way for producers to tell her she’s fired. HR departments everywhere should employ shady energy healers to come in for Downsizing Day. Instead of George Clooney flying around to fire people, mediums can just materialize to take away employee’s phones and dignity.
Kim is muttering that she’s been read by Tyler and the Long Island Medium and she’s nothing like them.
Kim: You’re not even blonde.
“Neither are you.”
Kim says that she’s from a higher power and this isn’t real.
Kim: This isn’t what they taught us at Hogwarts for Hoes and Housewives.
Kenya tells Kim to leave because she’s tired of her negative energy. She doesn’t. The healer then asks the women to switch seats because Porsha and Kim are touching hands and asses.
Porsha: We’re sesame twins.
They don’t move but Kenya does. Ironically, she moves closer to the exit. Poor thing. The healer asks if Kim will allow her to bathe her so they can get rid of the negative energy. Kim declines which is too bad because I was hoping it’d end up like Psycho but more violent. Mbele literally quits life and walks away, kids in trunk be damned.
They decide to try their hands at self-healing with Kandi leading the way in negotiations between Porsha and NeNe. They get nowhere. NeNe redirects to Kandi’s issue with Porsha but she deflects. It turns to Sheree and NeNe. Sheree calls NeNe out on her issue with Tyrone and says NeNe has mugshots too. NeNe says there’s a difference between getting bonded out and actually appearing before a judge and being sentenced. Sheree doesn’t understand the issue and wants to get to the bottom of the elephant. Trust me – you don’t.
Kenya tries to mediate but Kim keeps making snide remarks about Kenya wanting to be in love like Sheree. At least Kenya gets weekly visitation. Sheree is still racking up collect calls on her MCI bill. Cynthia asks why Kenya and Kim have an issue. Kenya says Kim came for her at Sheree’s housewarming and then came for her at NeNe’s house. Cynthia backs up Kenya and says that Kim started the incident at NeNe’s house. Kim tells Cynthia to be quiet.
Kim: My dress is loud enough.
Kim keeps going with the ‘Kenya talked about my kids’ excuse and Kenya denies it. Kim just wants to move on and everything just ends. Kim tells Cynthia to keep her mouth shut and just look pretty because she doesn’t know about what transpired prior. Cynthia says that she can talk if she wants to. She can also talk and eat at the same time. Loudly. Sheree is staying on task and complaining about her back.
Kim and NeNe stay behind to talk. NeNe mentions that Gregg had just gotten out of the hospital when all of that commotion happened at the party. She also didn’t appreciate the handicapped parking comments since Kim has a heart issue and should be sensitive to it. Kim counters by saying that Gregg is one of the greatest men to walk the planet, sorry Jesus and Ghandi, and immediately afterwards says that NeNe seemed drugged up that night. NeNe actually stays calm while Kim says she acted like she was on pills. To NeNe’s, or her pharmacist’s, credit she seemed remarkably calm. They basically decide to move on since there’s nothing to salvage.
Next week, Tyrone issues a warning to NeNe about trying to expose people. Cynthia and Porsha head down to help out after Hurricane Harvey. Porsha cries and Kenya gets super mad at the cast and crew after she’s accused of not being nice. Who’s side are you on: Kim or NeNe? Porsha or NeNe? Sheree or NeNe? Is Will going to solicit in Brazil? Will Kandi eat all of the Hurricane Harvey food? Love you for reading and commenting!
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