TrashTalkCeleb: Harvey Weinstein, Emma Roberts, Queen Elizabeth, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Katherine Heigl, Courtney Stodden
Page Six – GOOD.
Listen, I’m not trying to be callous. I’m not celebrating the fact that two kids are going to go a year without their court-ordered stipend. But somehow, I think Harvey’s 19- and 14-year-old daughters* will be uh-just fine without the “$50,000 a year for vacations, a total $100,000 for camp, and $500,000 for college.”
* let this be proof that the “I have daughters” rationale is not legitimate substantiation for being a feminist.
ONTD – Oh God Is This What I Look Like
You guys, no joke, last night I got my hair cut and my stylist decided to do something different, and as someone who only barely knows how to make herself presentable in public I usually trust her blindly. So she gave me a bob – with bangs (!). And now I’m terrified that I look like Emma Roberts at the Critics’ Choice Awards:
SOMEONE PLEASE BE KIND AND TELL ME THIS ISN’T WHAT I LOOK LIKE. TELL ME I’M NOT A MAMIE.
Jezebel – A Tale of Two Titties
Grandma Betty is pissed, y’all. Ramon (her gardener, whom she also makes drive her everywhere) brought her home yesterday from Macy’s (which she still insists on calling Gimbels), and she stormed through the living room in a tizzy, spitting out hateful words about some lady named June Keaton, her “brassiere girl.” You see, June left the Intimates Department at Gimbels a few months ago for a much more lucrative position in management, but since Grandma Betty is so pushy (and, bless her heart, so old – she can’t help it!) June agrees to pop back down to the dressing rooms on Tuesdays to make sure Grandma Betty’s underthings are fitting just so. But June’s been getting mouthy lately. She’s been talking to everyone who will listen about her insufferable meetings with Grandma Betty. Now everyone from Miriam in Hosiery to Pauline at the Estée Lauder counter knows what Grandma Betty looks like in a girdle. They know how she struggles with the occasional back roll and how she’s given up on looking fetching for Grandpa Phil and how sometimes, when she comes in after a trip to the coffee shop downstairs, she can’t help but let out a string of weak, stinky farts. So now June is on Grandma Betty’s black list. Grandma Betty’s even thinking of avoiding Gimbels altogether, but unfortunately for her, the only department stores left at the mall are Sears and Lord & Taylor (which Grandma Betty keeps forgetting was torn down in 2006 to make a parking lot for Dave & Busters). What’s a poor woman to do?
Us – This News is as Hilariously Delicious as the Food Served at Gorga’s is Not
On to another well-established royal family in peril: the Fair Gorgas of the New Jersey Colony, who are simply beside themselves over the mismanagement of their dynastic family enterprise, Gorga’s Pizza and Pasta. The four-star Michelin-rated establishment, which opened in May of last year to much “fanfare” (read: adults screaming at each other in front of a camera before they abandoned the building with nothing but a pizza oven and some shitty pictures of themselves), has reportedly been plagued with “a couple shady things going on,” per the Contessa Melissa Gorga herself. On the televised drinking game Olympics known as Watch What Happens Live, Melissa warned fans NOT to go to 360 NJ-10 in East Hanover, because it’s NOT there that they’ll find the ghost of Joe and Teresa’s dead mother, dishing out big slops of tagliatelle and begging you to get along witta you brada becaws-a yous famm-mally, ah?
Don’t worry, according to Melissa, Ghost Nonna is moving to “a new, bigger location.”
Those Heavenly Days – No Really! I Don’t Care!
Thanks to Bobby Finger over at Jezebel for tipping me off to the fact that domestic miser Katherine Heigl has updated her blog Those Heavenly Days with two “highly anticipated” (quote unquote, I should spell that out) posts in one week. Check out the latest to see her completely mediocre and colorless Thanksgiving tablescape!
Serious question: Why are we supposed to care about Katherine Heigl’s pseudo-Ivanka-esque life? Especially when she posts about shit like 563 years after the fact? Also, am I the only one who reads the name of her blog in the tune of Edith Bunker singing at the piano?
Did you know that Dame Courtney Stodden is an accomplished athlete? Dame Courtney Stodden is an enthusiast for all manners of sport! Including, but not limited to:
Cheating at Skee-Ball.
Have a great weekend, Trashies! Dame Courtney and I hope to see you at the arcade.
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