Let’s talk about the shithole that is Iceland. Too soon? I keed-Iceland is as breathtaking and non-shitty as ever. The Skiers depart at 8:08AM but it doesn’t matter as we get our 1st bunch up of the season with everyone boarding the same flight to Antwerp, Belgium, where they will get a clue when the chocolate shop opens at 9AM.
Note: the show (& I) forgot to mention the lack of the Express Pass this season, which gives power to the winners of leg 1 and sometimes causes drama. We were also not told about Well Hung being a gay couple that lives together but thankfully we have this thing called the internet. The Hung guys travel a lot but don’t get the chance to sightsee (they won’t here either).
Roadblock: Who’s Ready to Get High is of course not a pot smoking contest but a chance for one team member to climb a long ladder rung to grab their clue. At that height you can see almost all of Belgium. BBallers arrive 1st and a group of teams (Hung, Overeaters, BB, Yalies) get to climbing. The rest are lost.
Good use of her mouth – it was smart to secure the clue with her teeth before ripping it with her hand. Some dropped their flag but apparently it didn’t mean anything.
Everyone in this group gets their clue and heads to the Detour: Old Print or Diamond Glint. Print involves the way old school method of placing backward blocks in reverse order, then pressing ink over the block and imprinting it onto paper. The history of writing goes something like this: Egyptians painting on cave walls, Flinstones chipping into blocks, calligraphy, printing press, the fax machine, and emoji texts.
TAR is nothing but educational as we learn that 80% of the world’s rough diamonds are cut in Antwerp. For the Diamond task teams have to calculate the worth of a diamond, then add it to the total worth of its necklace. They learn how to evaluate the carat, color, and clarity of the tiny gem to determine its value. Microscopes are involved. And charts and worksheets. One tiny diamond was worth over $40k!
The dumber teams (Notmaste (tks DAngelus for the nickname), Indy, Skiers, Doomed, Twins (who?)) make it to the crane and get their clue.
Rare sighting #1: signing away your life before climbing a super high ladder for a teevee show
Back at the printing press, some teams are getting the hang of it (BB and the Skiers, who realize holding the paper up to the light shows them the reflection they need) while others struggle reversing their words. Light dawns for Lady Doomed as she uses her makeup mirror to figure out the letter block placements. BB is sent back to properly line up their letters with a ruler. The “Mirror Twins” are failing miserably and switch detours.
Who hasn’t cheated on a test with this way?
Well Hung is 1st to try (& fail) at the diamonds. Overeaters and Indy arrive.
Not good at science stuff
BBallers are done laying out their letters, but they have their “d” and “b”s mixed up. Pay attention to little details, guys. They fix it and have it printed on paper to serve as their clue. After translating it they are 1st to head to a large statue in the town square.
Since Belgium is the “real” home to French fries (called frites there and in fancy steakhouses here), and since this season’s “theme” is competitiveness, the teams will compete in a head-to-head race around an obstacle course dressed as a cone of fries. I’ve been to French restaurants (yum) where the fries come in a vertical cone but the costumes looked more like white pizzas with fries on top.
Anyhoo they have to race, two-at-a-time, with the winner checking into the Pit Stop mat and the loser racing the next team to arrive. Only one teammate races but they may switch who runs. The course is fairly short, but with twists and turns that prove difficult for the dolly loaded with 8 bags of frites they have to maneuver through the course.
This is a TAR 1st and it must have been frustrating for the 1st place team to arrive (BBallers) and of course promised drama for those who got to the finish line but couldn’t race around with a dolly while dressed as the fry guy from Aqua Force Teen Hunger.
Cedric V BBCody: Thanks to early stumbles from the taller one, Cody takes it easily.
Technically, Meatwad won the race
Sean (Bball) v. Henry (Yale): H struggles, Sean gets mixed up a bit but pulls out the W.
Evan (Yale) v. Kristy (Skier): steering the dolly proves hard for the female IvyLeage
Henry v. Chris (Hung): running into each other causes H to drop bags of frites and allow Chris the victory. The Yalies are starting to feel the exhaustion.
Indy finishes calculating. Overeaters aren’t sure about their numbers so they just guess. Namaste Sarah drops a tiny diamond (would she have to pay $44k?) and are about to switch detours when the “Mirror twins” arrive. Knowing they aren’t in last gives them the push to finish.
Evan v. Alex (Indy): obligatory comment about how he is a racer, though it serves him well on the turns and he wins.
Rare sighting #2: drone camera filming the fry action
Henry v. April (Notmaste): H’s new strategy is to stay in the middle. And to mow April down. Inches from the finish line he wipes out, hard, but luckily stumbles over the line and (finally) checks in with Phil. Phil is commenting from the mat, and couldn’t see the finish line, so is asking “is he over the line?” I think at that point we were all rooting for the Yalies. And I think this is when Evan said the episode’s title quote to Henry.
So now it comes down to the final race, loser goes home.
April v. Daniel (Twinnie): they are all fucked up, colliding and going in wrong directions. Daniel crosses first and checks in as the last team.
1. BB, winning $2,500 each (sweet)
4. Well Hung
Did you think it was fair for such a physical race be the order in which the teams hit the mat? Otherwise the Twinnies would be out. And what of Phil commenting in real-time? And when will he show us the coveted single-eyebrow raise? Final question: why is everyone on TV’s safe word pineapple? Sound off in the comments below and thanks for reading.
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