Hello Trashtalkers!! Welcome to recaps for TLC’s latest literal shit show, My Husband’s Not Gay. The show features three married couples and a single dude that are part of a tight knit group of Mormons in Salt Lake City, Utah. ALL the men claim they are NOT GAY but do experience Same Sex Attraction (SSA). They are naturally attracted to men but choosing to sleep with women, so doesn’t that make being straight a choice? Am I missing something here? That sounds like some Andy Stanley bullshit. AND being on a shitty TLC show is certainly a choice so let’s not hold back on judging these unfulfilled sober people who wear silly Mormon underwear.
And yes, these men are super gay. During this episode the men check out waiters together, give their single guy friend a makeover, try and plan a camping trip without their wives and USE A GODDAMN TERRORIST ALERT SCALE to talk about how hard other dudes are making them at that very moment. They also play basketball and everyone knows basketball is super gay.
When the show opens the cast is uncomfortably ice skating together in circles just to really highlight these people are idiot losers living in Salt Lake City and have no fun ever. UGH ICE SKATING I AM SO OVER IT.
We first meet Jeff and Tanya.
After a year and a half of dating, Tanya was expecting Jeff to drop the L bomb but instead he dropped the D bomb on her one night as their relationship grew more serious. He sent Tanya home with some reading material on SSA that I am sure made her feel giddy all over. She should have ran then but instead the two got married and had a child. That poor kid. The kids are the only real innocents in all this TLC sideshow network bullcrap. Tanya pretends to be down checking out waiters with Jeff, and that his “guy time” is good for him, but she is insecure and unhappy. If she was really into the gay thing somehow, mazel, but she really into managing Jeff’s SSA like a fucked up gambling addiction. When Jeff brings up a camping trip with the boys to Tanya, she immediately gets suspicious. Me too Tanya. I call bullshit on Jeff actually wanting to go camping ever. I think he wants to finally watch Under the Candelabra without his cunty wife around constantly judging him. ALSO Jeff had a sleep over with other adult men recently (which should have raised some red flags to begin with Tanya you dumb ass!) and things got “out of hand” so he is kinda on Gay Time Probation or something. And there was a guy at the gym that ranked an extremely dangerous 3.95 on the Gay Terror Alert Scale. Take the hint Tanya and pack your bags biatch!
Pret and Megan have known each other since they were 15 years old. My theory is that Megan stalked Pret hardcore in high school and he knew he would be marrying a Swim-Fan-type and that’s better than a Tanya-type. Pret is super cute and Megan believes every lie he tells her about how much he loves her fluffy body. She says “at least he doesn’t have anyone else to compare me to!” Jesus Christ. Literally. He’d rather have sex with Jesus Christ than you Megan. But she sees nice and happy enough, not as much of a helicopter wife as Tanya. She just worships her male nurse gay husband Pret.
When the guys play basketball, Pret is checking out some other dudes and rating them high on the Gay Terror Alert scale from 1-4. He seems very active in managing his SSA…. But he does in fact have sex with Megan because their is a baby in her belly and another kid already in their home. Also RIP Stella, you could have been on TLC one day. But Megan is preggers and yay Rainbow Baby!! Everyone loves a baby.
And the last couple we meet is Curtis and Tera.
This is by far the saddest couple and best example of why divorce is a good thing. After 20 years of marriage, and only 4 years ago, Curtis told Tera that he was SSA. Curtis says he had trouble managing SSA and had to come clean. I have a feeling he just got caught playing Alabama Pocket Pool one time too many by Tera. So far they don’t say or do too much. Also they remind me of the Toad Couple from Rocko’s Modern Life.
Finally we meet Tom!!
Tom is seemingly just as confused about accepting his gaydom as the other men on this show, but Tom is the bestest because he makes me laugh. He says he is 34 and has never been kissed by a girl (or a guy). Best part about Tom is that he looks kinda like a regular schmo and has a gay lazy eye and a straight eye. He says he doesn’t exhibit any gay stereotypes EXCEPT loving show tunes. LOL me too Tom, me too. His ideal body type for a sexual partner is Tom Brady. #gopats!
Tom says that he is SSA because of all the negativity associated with being out of the closet as a Gay man. That life would be harder to live for him, especially as a Mormon. DING! DING! DING! That is why everyone is so mad at you guys and this show! If you are really toeing the line of just sticking it in, then you’re gay. And we’re all over it dudes, and you guys should get over it too because everyone in American now labels you gay, NOT SSA. Which I think is a good thing. Because if you are opening discussing “managing” your desire to have sex with men on TLC, you’re very close to loosing that battle and finally accepting the label Gay. I don’t know, but this show is one hot potato!
Tanya and the gang want to set up Tom on a date with a women at their home one night. Tom brings flowers to soften the blow of the fact he loves to blow men, aw so sweet Tom. He also hilariously asks “does this girl know I’m super into dudes sometimes?” Shocker, they DIDN’T mention that to his blind date. His date Emily seems very nice and Tom tells her he saw Les Mis like three times and explains that the story is about a girl that loves this dude but he doesn’t lover her and that’s it. LOL. That is pretty meta Tom. He comes clean at the end of the date about his SSA like a real gentleman but Emily seems desperate enough to ya know, keep an open mind. Seriously. THESE PEOPLE.
And that was it! Just this one episode has made me feel very…. pro divorce. What did you guys think? Let’s get INTO IT in the comments. I think if these guys drank and didn’t live in Salt Lake City, they’d be gay and proud. Move to Hawaii and try a Mai-Tai. Also, this show was produced by a company called Hot Snakes Media? Are they just messing with me now?
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