Hey Trashies! It seems like every week there’s a big bombshell dropped on one relationship or another this season. Isn’t it great? This week, it’s Scheana’s turn, so lets turn on, tune in, and drop it like its hot, shall we, mothafukkaz?
We open two hours after Guillermo’s birthday bash. The guys are at Katie’s, waiting for the crew to file in, and ream Schwa a new one. Jax is so happy he’s been replaced as the worst guy on the show. Schwa says he’s fine with the guys leaving, because “winter’s coming”.
Katie walks in with Ariana and Stassi, and asks Jax to leave, so he takes off on his new cooler on wheels.
“Faster, bitch! I’m so into you! I never loved Brit! You’re so f*ing hot! Grunt… Grunt…”
In walk Kristen and Carter, and now it’s time for the disciplining to begin.
First off, Katie explains why Ariana is there, because “no one gets to light fires and f*ing walk away anymore.” Ariana says she doesn’t want to be that person anymore, she’s all ass-steaked out. Second, Katie says this is the last time Schwa gets away with the excuse that he doesn’t remember because he was sh*t-face wasted. “Guess what?” she says, “If you wanna be married to me, you’re never gonna be wasted another day in your life.”
“Bubba,” says Schwa (ooh, great start!), “You’re never gonna tell me what I’m gonna do and what I’m not gonna do, ever.” He interviews that she’s not his mom, he’s an adult, so there, nyah. Katie reminds him via flashback of his “f*ing vows that everyone f*ing cried over”, especially Sandy.
Katie gives it to him good, while he sits there saying, “Bubba, stop!” which happens to be the exact opposite of what he told Allie at the Bungalow.
The next morning at SUR, Lala comes in to claim her rightful place at the hostess station, next to thirsty ho Lauren, whose boyfriend dumped her when he found out she snacked on James’s arm during that period when he was feelin’ nobody like he was feelin’ Lalz.
Lala tells Lolo she forgot how to use the hostess computer, and may need help blowing the customers, so they won’t lodge complaints with HR when they’re seated at the wrong stations. Just then, Lisa comes up and tells Lala that Lala’d better not go running away, because Lisa’s not chasing.
Over at the bar, KFC puts in an order for a strawberry-ini with Jax. So Jax has come up with a brilliant idea.
Jax’s brilliant idea is that he and Brittany are going to throw a housewarming party. Well, that’s pure genius! The idea is that if people come over and eat his food and drink his booze, everyone will be present and accounted for (not to mention snockered off their rockers) when the audiotape is played of Jax boffing Faith while trashing KFC. High five, Bravo production!
Katie flirt-orders a sangria with Jesse.
And now its time for her and Lala to have a chat in the garden. Why did Lala do what Lala did? Lala utters the secret word — Scheana. It was all Scheana’s fault, because Scheana told her that assholish thing Katie said about her sugar daddy and the private jet.
Now we get Katie hollering in interview about Scheanannnanaa, and what a jerk she is, completely forgetting her beef with everyone else on the planet, even Schwa. Katie apologizes to Lala, who then shares that Schwa was calling Allie “Bubba”. But this was their own stupid pet name for each other! Now Schwa’s ass tattoo will be mocking Katie for all eternity! Cut to a flashback of the very important, very touching “Bubba” butt-tattoo reveal.
Now Darth Vanderpump grabs Katie for a chat in the VIP room. Katie says Schwa doesn’t remember anything, and Lisa says that’s a sorry state for him to be in. She interviews that if he doesn’t man up, she’ll grab him by the balls and give them a good massage.
Lisa says to Katie that if she going to, pardon the pun, get into bed with him — (really!) — she can’t tolerate that kind of behavior, as it’s too dangerous for her (not to mention her tender loving heart). She’d like to talk to Schwa forthwith, and sort this whole thing out.
Now it’s time for her to talk to Stassi. She shares that she got a ticket for kind of stopping, but not stopping, but she’s not as guilty as Schwa, who didn’t kinda do anything, whether he remembers or not. Then she says she’s very proud of Stassi for her baby steps, and now she’s got a ton o’ more stuff for Stassi to do, a veritable sh*load. Stassi asks if she’s going to be planning Puffy’s birthday bash. Lisa is like, puhleaaaaase…
Puffy looks down his nose at Stassi, because he’s heard all about her. Stassi talks about the housewarming party. She says KFC should be looking for a new apartment, not warming this one. Stassi’s struggling to take their relationship seriously, and says she’s sweating already. Lisa says she doesn’t have to go, but Stassi says she really has to go, because she wants to watch the train wreck.
Lisa sighs that nothing has changed, while Stassi cackles with delight.
Now Jax and the Toms go to that bad painting class from last season, to paint each other’s portraits. It’s their boys’ day out, family-friendly style, and they plan to stay out of trouble. Schwa says he can’t have a drink, but agrees to just one shot of absinthe when the boys twist his arm. “Just one,” they say. Schwa says, “Okay!” Before you know it they’ve all drawn penises on their aprons — ruh-roh!
Schwa asks if Jax is on any kind of probation, and Jax says he’s got community service on KFC’s vagina.
Jax tells Schwa things would be better for him if he just admitted it, but Schwa insists that even though he’s 1,000,000% sure it happened, he doesn’t remember a thing.
Meanwhile, KFC is out having a drink with Katie and Kristen, and tells them she’s going to have a housewarming party.
KFC asks if Katie’s okay with Lala. Katie says, “Oh, sure!” Turns out it wasn’t Lala’s fault at all, it was really that evil mastermind Scheana. You see, Schænə went running to Lala with the little “joke” Katie told at the WeHo “Locos Tacos” breakfast, knowing this would “trigger” Lala, and Lala’d have no choice but do exactly what Scheana had planned. “Ah ha,” they chant knowingly.
Now it’s double secret reverse karma time — Katie says Scheana’s really no different, even though she’s dating that hot hunk Robert “Parks” Valetta, because they’ve all heard about the Toca Madera thing.
What Toca Madera thing, you may ask? So. It was the night of the Vanderpump Dogs opening. Rob went to Toca Madera (for appetizers), and then met the gang at El Carmen after.Could Rob be any less into this selfie? (No.)
Apparently this is a 1,000,000% certain thing, according to Kristen. This friend of theirs, Jen “Bush”, said the ho(stess) in question showed him a pic of Scheana after they kissed, and asked if this was his girlfriend. He replied, “Wull… Scheana’s not really my girlfriend, per se.”
Meanwhile, over at Robert “Parks” Valetta’s amazing and cavernous empty home, Scheana orders him to go fetch an ice bucket. They’re having a catered dinner for Tom and Ariana tonight! Scheana tells us that dating Rob, she finally feels like she’s with a man. He runs a children’s charity, and produces and hosts a show, and manages to blow through her Botox like gangbusters while doing it. She brags, “Rob lives in this huge house in Beverly Hills, that is just like, OUR big house,” only, not.
She interviews that with Shay, they had frozen Dino Nuggets on TV trays with pouches of Capri Sun every night, which she liked fine, but she likes this even better.
Just then, Robert “Parks” Valetta toasts, “To living, to loving, to learning, and to fall in love with something new every day,” causing everybody to instantly fall deeply, madly in love with him.
“Will you have my babies?” II “Will you maybe, possibly touch my vagina someday, perhaps?”
“That’s almost like yours, but better,” Ariana grumps at Tom. Tom is blown away by how tall, good looking and successful RPV is, but especially, how good he smells. Scheana jokes that he helps her Botox wear off faster. Sandy says, “Mine, too!” He interviews that he’s not, like, Rob-sessed or anything, but he can see why Scheana’s so into him.
Rob says they’re the only two friends of Scheana’s who are nice to each other. Relieved there’s no ass steak involved, Ariana scratches her ear and says, “I’m glad I’m friends with you, Rob.”
Then she jokes in interview that she doesn’t know who’s more in love with RPV, Shceana or Tom — or her? Cuz he’s f*in awesome.
Scheana says, “Good thing you’re getting both tonight!” While those two dissolve into giggles, Tom mumbles to Ariana, “Can we be on that level? Can we be on that level?” Wow, so awkward. Then he gripes in interview that Scheana should enjoy that honeymoon phase while it lasts. “Give them three years,” he says. More like three months.
Rob says he tried to blow Scheana off at first when they reconnected, as she’s technically married, and he’s not that kind of guy. Scheana says they can’t get married until July. Rob kind of freaks out, but then she says she’s joking, and everything’s cool. She interviews that she’s got this countdown app on her phone that says she has 1 month, 1 day, 5 hours, 35 minutes, and 5 seconds until it’s officially time for Rob to go running for the hills.
Rob laughs it off, then takes a big ol’ bite o’ Martian sex, which at first we thought was directed at Ariana, but weren’t so sure when we rewound, so you be the judge.
Now Schwa comes home with a peace offering — a lovely painting of his true love, Sandy! Katie interviews that maybe Schwa should have married Sandy, but, you know, in an unromantic, “bromance” kind of way, so don’t go thinking he’s AC/DC or anything. Then she tells him she heard that he was calling this other girl “Bubba”.
He starts getting indignant, and asks if they’re just adding to the story because he doesn’t remember it. Because if he recalls correctly, he sure as f* didn’t call her Bubba. Whoops! He means, no lo recuerdo, Bubba. Then she tells him Lisa’s really upset, which he doesn’t understand until Katie explains that Lisa is having a pretend marriage to Schwa in her head, and she just cannot with his drunken make-out seshes and the keys on the street.
Lala and Ariana are going shopping for see-through jumpers, but end up buying matching pink jean jackets, in solidarity for all the maligned pussy out there in the VPR World. Ariana says she really needs this, because Lala makes everybody she’s with feel like a million bucks.
They gab about he housewarming party. Ariana says KFC is a bigger person than she is. Lala is worried that he’ll see that that type of behavior is forgiven. Forget about forgiven, how about rewarded.
Dogs need to be put in the doghouse,” says Lala sagely.
Lala asks how she and Tom are doing, which causes Ariana to tell us far more than we ever wanted to know. Apparently, she doesn’t have any kind of sex whatsoever, and doesn’t want any, either. And it’s been this way ever since she had a really abusive relationship with some asshole who told her she had cellulite, and he feared she may be a lesbian. But then she met Tom, and got into the whole famewhore opportunity of it, not to mention her own SWF fantasy takeover of Kristen’s life, and all was good.
But since that thing happened a year ago — you know, that thing we haven’t figured out what it is (but could involve an entire season of drag, maybe?), she’s back to not wanting any sex anymore, ever. Sucks for Tom.
Lala thinks Ariana is perfect. She may annoyingly keep talking about how perfect she also thinks her own self is, but she’s telling Ariana how perfect she is on camera, which is really nice. Then she interviews that she wants every woman to know how awesome every part of their bodies is, like her mother taught her. She loves her big man hands that give good, strong hand jobs, and she loves her kitty cat that takes d* like a champ. And you should, too. <3
On to Vanderpump Dogs, where Katie and Tom are checking in Gordo and Butter for a wash and blow dry — a “Vanderpuff”, as Schwa charmingly calls it. Darth Vanderpump says she’d like to have a word with her pretend husband, but not here; she’d like to take things upstairs, to her pretend bedroom.
Once they’re alone, Lisa turns to him and says, “We’re not here to talk about puppies, are we?”
“First of all, me culpa,” says Schwa. Lisa huffs, “Are you kidding me?! How’s your ‘wife’ supposed to feel, how’s your ‘wife’ supposed to trust you?!”
Just when we’re starting to thing she’s checked out for good, she snaps, “You remember something, or you wouldn’t be saying ‘mea culpa.” Thank you.
Lisa threatens divorce, then says she’s concerned he’s going to bang the waitress, then lose the money and the keys. Schwa reassures her, “I’m taking this whole thing very seriously,” to which Lisa retorts, “You should take your relationship with your ‘wife’ very seriously!”
“I do,” says Schwa, reminding her of that very special day they exchanged vows in her head.
Time for the housewarming party! The girls set out a slimy bowl of drunken gummy bears, then Kristen digs out a jello shot with her fingers. “These are too long for me to stick my tongue in,” she says. “I don’t have a long tongue, just a really big mouth.” KFC giggles, because that muffmunch thing totally didn’t happen.
Now Kristen and KFC tell Scheana about the Toca Madera rumor. She says she’s already heard it, and it’s bullsh*t. And the reason she knows it’s not true is because she’s ‘known’ Rob for almost 11 years, and he… NEVER KISSES HER. No, nope. Never kisses. He’s “not a kisser”, as she puts it. How nice for her.
At this point, Kristen takes her to task for what she did to Katie, which Scheana tries to explain was an act of friendship. God, Scheana does not have a word to describe the ‘rage’ she’s feeling towards Katie right now. While she’s thinking of it (‘rage’… no, that’s not it), she will go with the word “c**t”.
All of a sudden, Kristen starts doing that thing where she polices Scheana’s facial expressions again. You know, THAT thing? THAT one.
Scheana says the timing of this rumor is very convenient, since KFC and Katie could both use a little deflection from their own embarrassing situations. Just then, James and Co. arrive with a toilet paper cake, because Jax is a piece of sh*t.
Scheana is on her phone texting to Rob about how silly this whole kissing rumor is. So she and Rob are sending laughing/crying emojis back and forth, because it’s complete bullsh*t.
The guys admire James’ handiwork on the TP cake, then James says they both like to sh*t with the door open, they have a lot in common. Those two hug, and James makes sure Sandy gets good and jealous.
Then Scheana’s drunkenly pours her heart out to Stassi, who interviews how laughable it is that Shceana thinks she gives a f*, but she actually hates her guts, because nothing Scheana says is truthful or real. Isn’t that the whole fun of Shceana, though?
Tom and James do a little beat-box rap about finding that girl who is the one perfect gem, then putting her on a pedestal and getting your rocks off elsewhere with some whore.
Meanwhile, Jax is pouring his heart out to Carter. “You’re in a bad place,” empathizes Carter. “You love Brittany…”
“I LOVE Brittany,” Jax squeaks. “I love her to death, and I wanna fix this, and I’m gonna fix this.” He goes on, “If a f*ing squirrel looked at me with a f*ing pussy, I would’ve f*ed it,” like that’s a perfectly normal thing to say if you’re not reading my recaps. “I wanted the attention,” he whimpers softly.
In comes KFC, haranguing, why isn’t he talking to HER about it? Why is he talking to Carter?! Jax tries to explain that it’s very difficult to pour your heart out when your brains are getting banged out of your ears. Just then, she starts blubbering about how he’s treated her like shit. She cries, “I put my beliefs in you, because I love you!” Jax applauds. “Oscar goes to Brittany! Congratulations!”
Lala listens from the deck, appalled. She tells Ariana she’s got audiotape of Jax doing Faith. Apparently Faith gave the recording to James, who remastered it, added a sick beat, and passed it on to Lala.
On this recording, Jax is telling Faith that he’s never going to marry KFC and they never have sex — it’s disgusting, it’s despicable, it’s… unconscionable, really, that Bravo didn’t play this tape for us, isn’t it? Lala interviews that Jax is such a despicable human being, he doesn’t deserve ANY woman, especially not a woman like Brittany, who is so f*ing wonderful, she’s like a god, even, maybe even THE God. (They took a vote.)
Lala’s going to go grab KFC now. Ariana’s like,”MNNNGGGGG… I don’t want to ruin her night!” but Lala says, “Would you rather not ruin her night, or ruin her life by not telling her?” Off she goes to grab KFC, who listens outside, then charges in, hollering, “You’re a f*ing piece of sh*t! I heard the recording, you deserve to rot in hell! Get the f* out of here, you f*ing piece of sh*t!”
And that’s where we leave things for now.
(Damn you, Bravo.)
Next week on VPR, they better play that tape. Also, James Kennedy is back for Turn-on Tune-in Tuesdays, baby! KFC asks Lisa to fire Jax. And Sandy and Ariana are on the rocks, because Ariana didn’t protect Jax. But it wasn’t on her PHONE, okay?! God!
Stay tuned, mothafukkaz.
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