Previously on this hoity toity trainwreck, Kyle went to Croatia to avoid construction noise, as one does. Rinna has a rat in her house, and she invited Erika to join her in Tokyo with her daughters. In other news, Teddi loves horses, Dorit can’t dress for a horseshow. Rinna and Dorit’s “slate” isn’t as clean as we thought. PK is gross, which is not a new development.
Opening song is “I went from rags to riches…. I went from rags to riches.” Now we know what happened to the music from Ladies of London. Surely it will win a Grammy.
Imagine sitting next to Rinna on a plane.
Rinna is on her way to Tokyo alone.
Meanwhile, Mikey is choosing “Moments” for Erika’s trip to Japan. Erika says she is just going along to be a “Teenage Model Wrangler.”
Wrangler? Erika wouldn’t be caught dead…
Mikey says “And we are going to be back-up Wranglers.” Mikey is like- “If you are wrangling them, and we are wrangling YOU, who is going to wrangle ME?” Oh Mikey, droll, very droll.
I really wish Mikey had visible thought bubbles- I’m sure they are a riot.
Please Miss Lisa, surely I’ve worked off my ransom by now?
LVP is having Teddi and Kyle over for lunch. She tells Rocio to not make too much food… you know Kyle’s back fat and all…
Rinna arrives in Tokyo with 27 suitcases. And there are 3 Paparazzi waiting to photograph Rinna’s daughters.
And there are people asking for autographs from the girls. Rinna says it’s so surreal- she really wonders what Kris Jenner would do? Probably not return your phone calls is MisRed’s guess.
Ugh, mentioning Kris Jenner is like mentioning Voldemort. IT SHOULDN’T BE DONE.
The Hankster Lays in Wait
Teddi arrives at LVPs and Hanky eyes her with suspicion. LVP gives Teddi a tour of Villa Rosa and introduces Teddi to “Diamonds and Rose.”
Did I tell you I was a professional equestrian?
Teddi whips a saddle out of her bag and immediately tries to ride them into competition, because, I don’t know if you are aware, but Teddi loves horses.
Teddi admits to having some envy at the moment. LVP informs her that she could live there, she would have to sleep with Ken. Three seconds later there’s a Teddi-shaped-hole in LVPs front door.
Think of all the horses who could live in this closet, dahling
LVP shows Teddi her closet. Teddi says that Edwin’s closet if bigger than hers. LVP faints… but luckily she falls on Gigi. Or Ken’s toupee, it’s hard to tell.
Yes, Yes, you know Kyle, the one with the back fat…
Kyle arrives and Hanky tries to eat her… but Kyle is too fatty for Hanky and he spits her out.
Oh crap, Dorit is at this lunch too. When I rewound, I see that LVP did mention that Dorit would be there. I guess MisRed blocked it out.
Hanky didn’t want this fake hunk of meat either
Oh, PK. You look good. Have you had work done?
Oh my God, WTF is Dorit wearing on her head? It looks like MisRed’s Dead Grandma’s brooch.
From what Church Thrift Shop did you get that?
Kyle says that after her luxurious vacation in Croatia, they swung by Mykonos… I’ll bet they did. Maurice needed his fix, I’m sure.
Kyle THOUGHT that her floors would be done while they were away. But alas they aren’t done. Uh, they were gone for 2 weeks, has Kyle never met a Contractor?
But because she’s under construction so, what better time to have the gang over for drinks??? Why? Because her “pool isn’t even going to be in the same place when she’s done with her renovation.” HUH? Ok, whatever. Kyle just wants an excuse to have the Fat Burger truck swing by.
Psst, you, new person…Can you get me out?
Rocio brings out the grub, and blinks out a quick SOS to Teddi, hoping she will call the cops and have her rescued.
Kyle tells Dorit that she has an eyelash on her face and Dorit compliments Kyle on her “vision.” And then says that Kyle came back from vacation a bit mean. LVP says that if Kyle wants to be mean, you will know it. Kyle says, at least she’s open about her meanness- unlike LVP who is sneaky. They all have a good laugh. Don’t worry this will be rehashed in the reunion, complete with fake tears and probably a visit from Pee-Kay.
Rinna comes up in conversation. Kyle says she likes Rinna but they aren’t super close. Teddi says “Do you think she knows that most of the conversations revolve around her?” Dorit thinks she suspects it.
I had no idea you were this vapid
Teddi has just realized that every time she has hung out with Dorit, she has talked poorly about Lisa Rinna. Uh yeah. Because Dorit is a thirsty hag, just like her disgusting husband. Teddi says that there are two sides to Dorit- the fun girl with whom you can have a laugh (MisRed took the liberty of correcting Teddi’s grammar, hope you don’t mind, darlings) and the other side is the “Trash Talker.”
MisRed, Trash-Talker (Professional)
Ahem… and what’s wrong with being a trash talker?!?!? MisRed will assume Teddi meant AMATEUR trash talker. MisRed is nothing if not a, professional, Trash-Talker.
Dorit informs Teddi that she (Teddi) “must be educated.” Teddi says that everyone has been nice to her- but she is sure someone will turn on her soon enough. You got that right, honey.
Teddi is taking her kids Travertine and Traipse somewhere. She interviews that all she “can do as a mom is to try to have fun with her kids.” Really, that’s all you can do? No wonder kids are so f*cked up today. She likes to keep them active instead of letting them have a tablet to keep them entertained. OK, MisRed can get behind that philosophy. Traipse is hitting his dad with some sneakers. Yup, seems like fun.
Teddi and Edwin go on a hike. But it turns into a race.
Of course, Teddi is running alone and Edwin has the two kids in a stroller and a dog.
LVP has company coming- two people from BHL magazine.
Beverly Leslie! What are YOU doing here?
A lady who looks like every wife on Law & Order and a Pocket Gay. LVP had been asked to be the Editor of BHL magazine. She has written for the magazine since its inception. But now she’s in charge.
These are Lisa’s faux HBIC glasses
Then LVP busts out some jewelry that she created with Christina Makowsky- who apparently is a jewelry designer-.
MisRed doesn’t know sh*t if it isn’t Tiffany or Cartier, or f*cking Neil Lane and she only knows that because of the god damn Bachelor. Oh, and Jared! I once told MrRed if he ever bought me a “chocolate diamond” from Jared, MisRed would kick him in the balls.
Oh wait, she isn’t. Christina Makowsky is the fashion editor for BHL. LVP start showing the jewelry and the Pocket Gay is DYING to try everything on. LVP won’t let him.
She holds him back with a whip and a chair. LVP thinks the will photograph well and says that she thinks they should just get a hand model.
They’re quite exquisite
Then LVP says “Yeah, we should just someone who does hand jobs.” The Pocket Gay perks right up… He says he can do that all day long.
Literally. All. Day.
MisRed just bets he does.
LVP says that she was thinking of asking Dorit to be the model- because “she has beautiful hands and beautiful décolletage…” HOLD THE PHONE. Rewind. WHAT??!?! Dorit has nice décolletage?
Perhaps we need to revisit the definition of “Nice”
F*cking PK has nicer décolletage. Dorit’s décolletage looks like it belongs in a rock quarry.
The Law and Order wife pops into the convo saying Dorit “really embodies our girl. A working mom, she’s current, she’s beautiful.” She goes on to say that Dorit’s social media is “Impeccable.”
Gross. Does Dorit work? Or Mom?
Over in Tokyo, Erika is reviewing her “Moment Choices” with Mikey. She chooses one and interviews that, yes, it’s madness to schlep all of this stuff all over, but “you never know what’s going to happen. There are levels to this madness.”
Craziness has levels, y’all
Indeed. What level are we in right now? Sub-basement?
Rinna calls to get Erika’s ETA. Rinna is already at whatever event they are going to be wrangling said models. She says that her daughters’ careers have really taken off.
Hmmm. Rinna used to be her own twin brother
When she came to Hollywood, you know, back in the 1870’s, with the same wig, MisRed might add, she was told to get back on the bus to Oregon. But then again, she didn’t have a famous last name. I guess the name Hamlin does open doors. Wait? Does it?
I was walking down the aisle and all the barrettes just FLEW at my head!!
Erika arrives and Delilah is crazy over Erika’s hair. Uh, ok. It looks like she got in a fight with the barrette department at Walgreens.
The Hamlin kids go off to find some Sushi, without Mom. They have a busy day the next day- two store openings, possibly a commercial and then they have Vogue.
Vogue is my trigger word
Rinna isn’t really needed as much as she thought she would be.
Rinna interviews that they are in a unique place- “Millennial children of celebrities.” And that the Kardashian opened this window, you know, with big asses and BJs, and then came Gigi Hadid and then the Udder one and then the Udder Udder One… and that yes, their name gets them in the door, but that once they are “in the door” everyone is like “Ok, now show me.” And they need to seize these opportunities because the “window” can close in a hot second.
Ok, Rinna, have another hit off the crack pipe. Your kids are human hangers they aren’t curing cancer.
Over at LVPs, Dorit is being spackled and painted for the “hand job” shoot. LVP is teasing her to get ready faster and that if she had called Erika to do it, she would have been ready in 5 minutes.
GUS! WE’RE GONNA NEED ANOTHER BUCKET OF BONDO OVER HERE!!
Dorit is bitching because it was “last minute.” Exactly what else was Doriit doing? Taking care of her kids? Yeah right!
She’s also irritated because LVP didn’t call her herself, Pandora made the call to “book” Dorit the Much-Sought-After-Super-Model. Also, Dorit is upset that she didn’t’ have her OWN hair and make-up team. Pandora assured her there would be hair and makeup there. And then Dorit says to the make-up artist in the fakest Liz Taylor accent ever heard “You’ve just poked my eye out. No worries.” Well, personally, that would make it easier to get in bed with PK.
Dorit is irritated that LVP wouldn’t give her enough time to assemble her own team.
LVP is like- don’t worry about it, if you don’t look perfect I’ll fix it in Photoshop. Dorit asks how she would fix her whole face in Photoshop. Come on. Like Dorit doesn’t know Photoshop. Now MisRed has heard everything.
The Photoshop, MisRed means, photoshoot begins- whatever, who cares? Dorit does some awkward poses.
LVP shows Dorit some of the photos and Dorit is VERY UPSET. Shocking.
LVP interviews that BHL has photographed Cate Blanchett, Kristen Chenoweth and they both used the magazine’s Hair and Make-up and Dorit should “take a chill pill.”
Everyone is failing to see how EXTRA I am!
Seriously, MisRed has never seen anyone so full of themselves. Dorit YOU ARE FROM CONNECTICUT, YOU ARE NOT ROYALTY. GET OVER YOURSELF.
Yeah! Let’s walk through heavy traffic!!!
Rinna and Erika are acting like tourists in Tokyo. They walk around chatting. Rinna tells Erika that she and Dorit went to Teddi’s horse show and everything seemed to be fine- there was no tension, although there were a few jabs. SEE?!?!?! Clean slate…?
Remember when Dorit looked like the Goose that laid the Golden Egg crapped on Dorit’s head?
They discuss the Dorit sitch and Rinna says that Dorit really doesn’t think she did anything wrong- we get a flashback of Rinna confronting Dorit about saying she (Rinna) had a Xanax problem, when clearly Rinna had been making a joke about putting a Xanax in her smoothie.
Erika asks Rinna if she is ok to move on with Dorit? Rinna replies that she is- she says she doesn’t need an apology from Dorit- she just wants to “clean my side of the street and move on.” Erika thinks Rinna has changed and she is impressed.
Oh Erika, it’s only Episode 4, early days my dear, early days.
Later, Erika meets Rinna for dinner and Erika is having a FULL MOMENT. They go to a Geisha House. Erika is asked to remove her shoes and she is pissed.
Can you picture Erica even buying these socks?
Bahaha, and she is wearing, like, peds. They sit down for dinner and are served “Baby Ayu Fish.” Looks like a blue shrimp. Erika is a little unsure about eating it.
Erika explains her son is now living with her. She likes to know where he is and it makes her feel secure that he is living with her. Rinna is nervous for Delilah to be alone in New York- she is worried that there are a lot of creeps out there. Yeah, she should be.
You gonna Pat the Puss? No?
Then a little lady comes in and plays a Shamisen- and a Geisha is dancing a traditional Japanese dance.
Over at Kyle’s, her little get together, is a BIG deal. There’s a party planner, and bartenders and Kyle is freaking out. MisRed can’t.
Then the power goes out. Bahahaha.
It’s called a renovation, Dorit.
OMG Dorit and PK show up and Dorit is VERY put out that Kyle’s home is under renovation and instantly bitches about there being no power. Kyle told them to dress casually and Dorit looks like a combination Fredrick’s of Hollywood / Karate Kid reject. Dorit says that the only way they are going to get through the evening is by drinking.
That is foreshadowing.
Camille arrives, as does Teddi and Edwin. Can we just shorten to Tedwin and get it over with?
Kyle’s dog is eating pancakes right off the table, and Dorit is complaining that there is dog saliva on the pancakes. Oh please. You have PK saliva all over you- surely a little dog saliva shouldn’t bother you.
Dorit is complaining that there are no fans. Honey there’s NO POWER, get over it. Had you dressed CASUALLY, perhaps you would be more comfortable.
Lisa and Ken arrive.
Camille’s boyfriend is going to stop by the party. She met him about a year previously and she is smitten.
Mauricio comes home and meets Tedwin. Mauricio vows to get to the bottom of exactly what is going on with the power situation.
Erika meets Rinna and spawns for dinner. They discuss a YouTube channel where they (the daughters) watch people eat.
Erika is very confused- she is like “why don’t you watch porn?”
Erika wonders if she’s…. old?
Delilah comments that she read her mother’s “sex book” and it teaches one how to give head.
I’m talking head in my talking head
Then Rinna reads aloud from her book in her talking head.
Erika says, “I’ve done a lot, but I haven’t written about giving blow jobs.” Nope. Just talks about DSLs in every episode.
Over at Kyles, the caterers are serving up salad with their hands. Mmmm.
There is some banter at the table. Dorit wants to know how Kyle says Mauricio’s name. She says it with some kind of accent, which Dorit is sure to copy. Dorit says that someone said that it’s pronounced “Muh-reese-eee-ohh.” And Kyle says that Ken calls Lisa “Leezer.” LVP says yes, but when he lets down his trousers, he calls her “Darling.”
MisRed doesn’t need to hear anything about Ken and his trousers being removed. Nope. No thank you. All set.
This is the man who will be spending Kelsey’s money
Camille excuses herself to bring David, the boyfriend, into the room. LVP fawns all over him saying how handsome he is. Lisa comments that Camille has been through a lot- cancer, Kelsey, divorce…” she left out a second cancer and a domestic violence situation, but who is keeping score.
Oh that’s right… MisRed is keeping score
Camille says that David is shy. David. David? David! Oh wait, wrong show.
Dorit is still complaining about the heat, and now she’s drunk. Awesome. Oh, and loud.
Drink if you’re an a$$hole
Dorit says something about Kyle being her “best friend” and LVP is like “excuse me?!?!”
Why is ANYONE fighting to be Dorit’s bestie?
Kyle comments that she thinks LVP is jealous over her connection with Dorit. Jealousy and Relief are closely related in MisRed’s book. Finally, someone to take Dorit off LVPs hands.
Dorit says “The one person in the world who is not afraid of Lisa… is me.” Shut up.
They go on to argue about who is scarier and who is more afraid of whom.
Dorit says that she hasn’t seen Kyle at her scariest, nor has she seen Lisa at her scariest. Kyle is like “give it time.”
The conversation devolves into talk about having babies, Dorit and Pee-Kay want so have another spawn. Someone asks if Camille is going to have a baby with David, Camille replies “I don’t have a uterus, so I’m out.”
Dorit says “I have a question for you Camille….” LVP tells Dorit to THINK about what she is about to say.
PK jumps in and says, “Would you be our godfather?”
Camille is like “No, I don’t have a dick or testicles.”
And rumor has it you don’t either Peeeee-Kaaaaaaay
GO CAMILLE! MisRed loves Camille in this moment.
And F*CK YOU, PK and here is why:
- You are disgusting.
- Not having a uterus does not make you a man. It makes you a woman without a uterus, you f*cking idiot.
- You are an insensitive prick.
- Have another drink you, annoying, piece of sh*t.
- You are disgusting.
Good for Camille for standing up, and trying to keep it light.
Then Dorit chimes in “I’m going to come up with a whole new strap-on line called The Camille.” Dorit- read the list above, it applies to you as well.
Teddi is like UGH. She says that she thinks Dorit is an idiot. Ok she didn’t say that, but she is appreciating the fact that Dorit is acting like an imbecile and it’s not going well.
LVP apologizes to Camille and David and they say that David is really getting the initiation tonight. Next thing we know Dorit is yelling “CAMILLE, YOU STUPID C*NT”
UH… is this happening?
Everyone at the table is like… Whoa.
In short. Dorit is a twat.
Camille interviews “Dorit, everyone is entitled to act stupid every once in a while, but you abuse the privilege.”
Mauricio tells Dorit to “Shhh.” And LVP covers Dorit’s mouth with a napkin.
Press harder, she’s still breathing
Camille feels terrible, she doesn’t want to be associated with this and she doesn’t want David to think badly of her.
Dorit is always so demanding of an apology, let’s see how she feels about having to give one to Camille. And Kyle and Mauricio. And whoever else she offended with her classless, disgusting behavior.
Who wants to bet Dorrit won’t be accountable?
Next week- it would appear that Dorit keeps Teddi waiting at a restaurant for 30 minutes and that Kyle may make Dorit atone for her behavior, or at least this is what MissAndy wants us to believe.
Every dog looks like Ken
And someone brings a dog into Vanderpump Dogs and Lisa wants to keep it because it looks like Ken.
I must know your thoughts on Dorit. She is the worst. Love you guys!!!!
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