This recap is also available as an audiobook podcast available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. They’re free the week they’re released and then go to the premium feed. Find it at podbean. Thanks for the support!! xoxoxo – Ronnie
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a compliment on Rinna’s 90’s wig created a temporary open truce between her and Eden Sassoon, Pilates Instructor. It was forged with a monkey laugh in the wild played in reverse.
Also, Dorit went around town like she was in the opening of Beauty and the Beast yapping “Vagoina! Vagoina! Vajoina! Vajoina!” to the baker, the Quaker and the candlestick maker. She has some sort of short memory loss tick, bless her heart. She doesn’t remember who she told. One thing she can never forget: Erika Jayne, does in fact, have a vajoina.
We open where we left off last week. Camille’s “I’m Poorer Now But Still Richer Than You” lunch in Malibuzikstan. Eileen has just tried explaining to dodo Dorit that her mother and the cursed family members that passed away with her have nothing to do with Eileen’s fight with Lisa Vanderpump.
Dorit is a moron, but in her defense, I don’t know what the fuck Eileen’s on about, either. She’s mad cuz someone’s husband called it unfair that she didn’t tell her cast members her mother had died before the reunion, presumably to make them look insensitive after telling her to shut up about Vanderpump manipulating stuff. PK’s a trembling innards bag that sweats too much and never stops chewing, but still. There are such nice things we could be talking about right now. Like how Camille’s view is now dead plant life instead of the ocean.
If a slight is too long to explain in a tweet, is it even worth fighting for? All she has to say is “Mind your bees, NOOB”, but Eileen’s inability to phrase a battle cry is her arc.
Because Dorit refuses to reach back into the dark recesses of her pea brain to remember what Eileen is talking about, and because Eileen can’t stop talking unless she receives an apology, Eileen keeps talking, her voice more and more exasperated and her words bigger and bigger.
“Lisa Rinna and I were worried that the eloquence in which we abided by as we mourned our forefathers was questioned outside the jurisdiction of our predications.” Eileen’s attempt at clarity leaves her opponent blinking blankly, confused. Then a thin line of blood drips down Dorit’s nose. Big words spat out in rapid succession like that are weapons against brains with limited capacity.
Dorit is sticking to the “I haves no ideahhhs what Eileen’s mad aboutdt!” She doesn’t remember having a dinner party, much less eating a club sandwich. Wait. Did this woman just accuse her of eating a club sandwich? Who would say such a theyang?
Eileen looks at her like she does the caller ID when Casino Marongo calls threatening to break her kneecaps if she doesn’t pay off Vinnie’s markers before sundown.
Dorit announces that she doesn’t like being dragged into the middle of whatever drama Eileen and Rinna have with Vanderpump. LOL. Yes she did just say that. Eileen literally looks into the camera and sighs at us. Vanderpump is being more blatant than ever with her proxy wars, and it’s tiring. Maybe for you. This is hands down the best scene of the season for the rest of us.
The ladies just stare at Dorit, waiting for her to say “Joos keeden!” but she doesn’t. Instead, she relies on the ole reality standby: “They’re boolying moi!” Eileen is being aggressive. Yeah. All the women are! They’re twisting Erika’s panties into her and bullying her with them! Erika’s vagina is not only an iTunes hobbyist, it’s a bully. Spread the word!
Eileen stops her. She had no problem with the panty joke at first. It was “cute” until Erika’s vagina felt blindsided and wronged. Erika’s vagina laughs that it’s being called the bully when Dorit is bullying it. Oh Lord. Someone whip out their iPhone and get Erika’s vagina to make an “It Gets Better” video. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.
Dorit is shouting to the empty brown canyons about how she’s being boolied, but no one can hear her. Camille was smart enough to get a property this time where people couldn’t hear her friendployee’s screams.
Eileen is dismayed. She doesn’t understand why Erika is doing “all of this” (exasperated hand yelling).
Camille, still pretending to be a good fairly poorish person, shrugs at us. “I don’t know what the girls have been saying about Dorit, but it must be something.” The producers stare at her until she adds more after a long hunchy pause. “There’s chatter.” Camille’s been watching Homeland again. Chatter. They’re not terrorists, Camille.
Dorit is rubbing forks together to write “BOOLY” in the sky with smoke as Eileen shakes her head. Erika’s vagina tells the girls to calm down and explains to Dorit that Eileen is just standing up for her blindly because that’s what friends do. Hey, that’s what you guys are accusing Dorit of doing for Vanderpump. By proxy, but still.
Eileen is dumbfounded. “Somehow I’ve become a villain in her mind!” Don’t worry. She’ll forget that shit before the takeout digests.
Eileen mentions Game Night and invites new poor Camille and dodo Dorit and Erika. Nothing to calm the friction like a few rounds of “Sorry…for whatever you feel I did DAHLING”. Dorit puts down the forks and pretends nothing happened. She’s in. Camille’s in. Erika’s in, too, as long as they promise not to play Cornhole. Her below the waist has been hit hard enough already.
Kyle’s throwing a baby shower for her niece. Don’t worry, it’s not Paris. I don’t even think a baby could be made with that many different kinds of sperm. That would be the most difficult DNA test to complete of all time. “You’re the father! And SO ARE YOU! YOU’RE ALL FATHERS!”
Kim Twitchards is here, and her hairpieces are all up in rollers. That’s a fire hazard. If I was friends with Twitch, I would tell her that a poor woman’s hair is like owning a horse. You gotta change the hay every once in awhile or the whole barn’ll go up in flames. And no one wants a cooked horse.
It’s Twitch’s kid that’s having a baby, and she’s psyched. “If id’s anythen lige me havin’ a behbeh, id’s gonna be amazin! My live iz gone change, KAHL!” I suspect that she’s getting herself all worked up about this so she can have an excuse to down a box of Franzia when the experience doesn’t live up to her hopes. Self created disappointment is an old trick out of the addict playbook. I make sure to get enraged at least once a week so the bagel binge goes down with less next day guilt. It works.
Kyle and Kim are getting ready for the big baby bash together, and as they dress, Kyle tells us that Kim is a whole new person these days. No matter what people say about her, that she steals carts full of dollar aisle crap from Target, that she stalks Emilio Esteves on the weekends, that she signs boxes of Fruity Pebbles while claiming to have originated the role of Wilma in the live action films, etc, there’s one thing you can’t take from her. Besides the ziplocked oxys hiding in her digestive tract. She’s a great mom! And ANY of her kids would agree. Even the ones who took shoes to the head during Kim’s meltdown at the Dr. Phil show.
As Kyle waxes poetic about Kim’s knack for motherhood, Kim is trying to get the security alarm thingy off the dress she stole from Bloomie’s. Not kidding.
I didn’t zteal nuthin’! Id came lige this! Zame thing habben when I won the Ozcars for Dead Manz Walginz. Ztupid dress wouldn’d ztop bleep bleep bleebin and Suzan Zarandonz ztloes mah OZGARS! Put an alarm on Zuzan Zarandinz KAHL!
She finds the alarm pin disabler in her purse and gets rid of the thing. Kyle stares at us, crosseyed, and declines coming up with an excuse for Twitch having a stolen dress. She’s not drunk, at least. Baby steps.
Twitch tells us she’s staying sober cuz it’s the only way her kids will see her, and the kids are the only ones who remember the code to the vault in her basement holding the Franzia. It’s a large, confusing circle. Point is, Twitch is still a twitchy, shruggy mess who insists on hiding the mystery of her neck from the public. I’m grateful to have her crazy ass back on my TV.
Can someone help this poor woman fit an olive into this bottle?
Rinna and Eden are grabbing some Mexican. Food. They’re not kidnapping an actual Mexican, although I wouldn’t put it past either of these crazies. Eden’s new, obvi, and Rinna’s sick of talking about how hard she’s apologized to Vanderpump to the rest of the girls. They both need someone to shoot with, so here we are. I feel bad for the waiter, cuz these hookers ain’t eating. They’re just here to sniff each other’s butts and pee over each other’s scent on the mariachi band.
Eden is only having iced tea, so Rinna only has iced tea. Eden’s been working super hard on herself. If she worked on her insides as much as her Groupon doctor has worked on her outsides, she’d be fucking Buddha (ie: uncastable), so we know she’s lying. “When you stay present in the now and feel the pain, you can let it go.” No one who brags about letting pain go has ever let one damn thing go ever.
Rinna’s all “WOAH! What a profound statement. Every cloud has a silver lining and every sad woman has the outline of a fashion forward duster if she looks hard enough. THESE CHIPS ARE TEN STARS BABY! Is that salsa? If you’re gonna let go of something let go of that salsa girl I LOVE THIS SALSA!”
Eden’s super tough. She shows it by working with her doctors to get as close to Dolph Lundgren’s face as possible and then accentuates her personality with a non smile and some tatts. This girl shared her sobriety, Rinna shared her love for salsa. What could go wrong here? Rinna, too comfortable, asks Eden what kind of pain she has to feel in the moment.
Eden pushes everyone away. Her dad, her mom, her siblings, everyone. Uh oh. This is her pre-excusing herself for being a bitch down the line. “I hurt you to see if you’ll prove you truly love me by not calling the cops” or some shit. Her mom had kids already when she was pregnant with Eden and didn’t wanna bother having to push her out. Mom had a Hampton’s trip scheduled when Eden was supposed to come out, so she took some Exlax and pushed super hard until Eden fell out during a hike at Runyon Canyon. The mom, annoyed, wasn’t gonna ruin her walk, so she just dragged Eden around by the umbilical cord until her assistant could snip her at the bottom of the hill. She threw Eden into the trunk, got her home, then immediately took a shower and flew to the Hamptons.
It’s a cold story, but Rinna is still gushing too hard over the salsa to notice. “IS THERE SEA SALT ON THESE CHIPS?!?! TELL ME THE TRUTH, MARIACHI BAND! TELL ME THE TRUUUUTH!”
Eden just talked about how good she’s gotten at letting go and then being wronged as a newborn in the same minute. It’s kinda amazing.
Rinna tells her that her mom leaving her in the trunk while she went to the Hamptons wasn’t Eden’s fault. It was the mom’s issue and never had anything to do with Eden. Eden squints her eyes and thanks Rinna for calling her on her shit. Rinna gasp laughs. No one has ever appreciated her instagram meme therapy like this before. “Heck! I didn’t do nothin! I’ll tell you who did something. The person that invented the triangle. I couldn’t think of a better shape to use as a vehicle to get this amazing salsa into my mouth than this triangular chip! CHEERS, BABY!”
Erika’s checking out the set for her new YouTube video, Xpnzvz. Mikey growls and jumps and squees and makes a tiny clowd of face powder as he hugs her. The set is questionable. It looks like “It’s a Small Wonder” to me, and I could get behind that. Vicki, the child robot grows into a sex bot that pleases old grouchy dudes to beats from Garage Band.
The window that the nosy neighbor keeps looking through to catch the robot whore in action.
The hair, makeup and wardrobe people, the most important, are there too. No word on the songwriter or orchestrator or lyricist. Siri doesn’t clock in.
One of the coolest parts of the video will be messages that are painted onto Erika’s white gloves. The gayployees try to pick the most current, catchy sayings that were carefully curated from the song lyrics. My personal favorite is “I almost choke on old man nuts every night and all I got were these stained gloves”, even though it doesn’t rhyme or fit well on the glove.
There are so many choices of “Vag” to choose from here. Dorit could make it ten seasons with this much material. “Tight ship, ChaCha, Limited Edition, Georgia Peach, My Kitty, Bullying Victim”, etc.
Ah, the ever catchy “BITCH WHAT”.
Girl, slap a SOLD sign on that wee hole and call it a day. There are children starving in Africa right now.
An assistant chick asks her vag if it’s ready for its closeup. The vag is a diva, so Erika answers for it. She wants it gorgeous and tight. These are gayployees, hon. Not miracle workers. By the way, never trust a man who looks like this one to represent your vag in its best light.
Time to make the honuts.
Game Night! We would have gotten a scene or two about the baby shower first, but the Loss Prevention Specialists from Bloomingdale’s refused to appear on camera.
…and then theze guyzez game in an’ ztole mah drezz!
Kyle’s getting ready for Game Night with her rent a gay game party guy. Kim arrives and he hugs her tight. “You remember meeee?” She giggles too hard. Ed McMahon is such a flirt. If she had a nickel every time he tried to get her to touch his pickle on Fantasy Island. She asks where the midget is who welcomes the plane. The rented gay giggles uncomfortably and backs away slowly.
We get a montage of Game Nights past. “At least I don’t do crystal meth in the bathroom all night, bitch!” “You’re a slut pig!” “Did you just throw a pizza at my head?” “These mirrors are dirdees.” Ah, Game Night.
Kyle is thankful that Brandi won’t be here to cover her in microwaved Costco slices or tell the world her husband is banging transgendered hookers. Little does she know, the Brandi faced baby from a trunk, Eden Sassoon, is on her way over.
The ladies start arriving. Camille has finally brought her friendployee DeDe back on TV! Man, that girl has really lost some weight.
Eden introduces herself to Dorit. “Eatin’? Why, that’s my husband’s favorite hobby! Please don’t show him your vagina LIKE SOME PEOPLE.” When Dorit announces to the group that she doesn’t drink, Kyle looks at the camera like “Fart. Another one?”
Hide the silver.
Kyle grabs Twitch by the shoulders and drags her to Eden. “My sister doesn’t drink either!” Kim snorts and mutters something about nose candy not counting or something. Eden says “We’ve already crossed paths.” She looks into Twitch’s eyes. Nothing flickers there. “Whoopi?” Eden hugs her a little too hard and the memories wash over Kim. “TRUNK BEHBEH?”
Eden makes sure to be in the present as she squeezes the weak life force from Kim’s beef jerky like frame. Kim remembers her, alright. She tells us that she heard through the grapevine that Eden’s sister died and tells us while looking around the diary room that “It’s an unzpeagable tragedies.” Then she shrugs as the camera stays on her too long.
To lighten the mood, Kim tells Eden that at least some of the old gang is kickin. “I god a vree new drezz and Roberd Downy Little One learned how to flyz!”
Vanderpump enters and pleasantly asks Erika’s vagina if it’s got knickers on. The vagina’s voice is all muffled, which means yes. Erika asks us why these women can’t let go of her vag. You first.
VLP sneaks out to check the work of Kyle’s cater waiters. She approves of the table setting. Twitch is out there trying to catch lightning bugs in her mouth. Lisa shakes her head and vows not to sit next to that cookoo bird this time. Everyone takes their seats as Dorit approves of Eden. “She’s like that edgy girl without edges.” Oh girl you’re gonna pay for that one.
Eileen and Rinna arrive. Vanderpump looks like she has cilantro in her teeth.
Twitch comes outside shrugging a lot for no reason and says hi to Rinna. “KIM! KIM TWITCHARDS! You’re amazing! Is that another neck camo? Good for you, girl! Hide that turkey baby!”
Twitch nods a lot and says “Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.” Rinna, in customer service mode, asks Twitch “How ARE you? What’s it like having a baby in the family baby?”
Twitch nods and goes into her spiel. “Anyone who dells ya ya gan’t love yer kidz even more than ya did hasn’d seen their kid push a sack of goo out and shit a table.”
Rinna squints happily and tries not to vomit. She tells us that it wouldn’t matter whether or not she had warning at this point about Kim coming to the party. “I expect her to plop down out of the sky no matter where I am to have some drama with.”
Rinna wishes Twitch well and Twitch laughs. “I believe ya kinda!” They suck wind laugh at each other as Eden gives Kim a really dirty look. I am not sure what’s brewing under that mangled face of hers, but I can’t wait.
Dorit is laughing too, and threatens to pee herself because she gave birth naturally cough cough. Camille shows zero regret on her face. Odd under eye sagging yes, but that’s another convo. Twitch shrugs and says “Tinkle tinkle weak beav whadeverz.” HAHAHAH I have really missed Twitch.
Rinna whispers something about Kim smelling like a gas station to Eileen, and Twitch catches it. “Thad’s how Liza Rinna iz. She’s suh nize to mah faze then she’s meanz to butterfliez.” Twitch has had to face the hard cold fact that she’s un-hirable at this point. Even Dr Phil wanted to get rid of her ass. She’s gotta pay that rent for her place in the Valley somehow though. Tonight just might be the night where she takes online classes to learn a special skill. Just kidding! She’ll start a fight about nothing with someone.
The Game Gay calls them inside to begin “Cal’s Game Night!” LOL at this queen naming game nights after himself. Is that a real job? Setting up Connect Four at rich ladies’ homes? That’s either the most shallow or the most brilliant fagito burrito I’ve come across. It’s a cumundrum, if you will.
One of the games involves one woman controlling the other’s charades move. Vanderpump is assigned to control Rinna, and laughs that she gets to manipulate her again. Rinna laughs about it and stays calm, even as Vanderpump feels up her boobs and her crotch to somehow convey “Model”. LOL. Rinna walks away a bit dazed as Vanderpump proudly mutters “You’re just too easy to manipulate, dahling. That’s always been your problem.” HAHAHAHAHAHA
Eden takes the first chance she gets to throw Kyle down on the ground and fake butt bone her. Another good Eden sign. Dorit is quoite toohned oyan by the whole thing and asks if Eden is gay. “My poohel is nine-tee-foive dahgroys because me sohn has eh speech emahdemant or Parkinson’s or possibly feline auto immune deficiencehs disohrdahs. Perfect temperatchoorah to skeeny deep!” Gross. Dorit is one of those sorority girls who makes out with girls in bars to turn guys on. On the other hand, she has PK inside of her regularly, so it doesn’t take much to turn her on.
Eden isn’t really up for swimming in a sick baby pool, and assures us that if she was gonna f one of these women, it would be Erika. “She seems like she would try really hard.” LOL
They make it through the games without Eileen losing a cousin or crying about Erika’s vaginal reputation, and Kyle has leftovers to boot. Success! No wait. They’re hanging out after. Oh no.
Kyle makes the mistake of sitting next to Eileen. Eileen whispers that she was shocked, SHOCKED I say when Dorit mentioned that Kyle brought up poor Erika’s name. Kyle ignores the thousands of dollars worth of botox on her face to scrunch it. “I said Erika felt blindsided.” Well, that’s not what Eileen heard! And now Dorit is telling everyone in town that she’s being bullied. Kyle rolls her eyes. No one cares when she cries about bras trying to cut off her oxygen. Why should she care about vaginal bullying?
The lack of a sense of humor burns a bright light that only other people with no sense of humor see. Erika is led over and robotically takes a seat to listen in. Eileen decides that since Kyle’s face is scrunched in anger, it’s time to bring Dorit over.
Dorit complies warily. She just found a new vagina to obsess over. Do we have to go backwards? Yes. Yes you do. Eileen calls the WASP meeting to order. “First of all, I totally love you.”
Dorit: “That’s a big but.”
Kyle shrinks back defensively. Rinna pats Dorit on the hand. “We like to clear the air. Own your pollution, hustle baby polluter.” Eileen fake laughs and waves her hand. No, no. She means the love! Now, the other day at the poor person lunch when they had that conversation…
Dorit is confused. “Lonch? I don’t eat lonch! I’ve never ever been to lonch with yew, Irene.” Yes. There was a lunch. And you were there. And Eileen tried to make you feel better about “missing a step with the whole undies thing.” Dorit looks at the sky, begging for a memory.
Dorit: The only thing I remembuh was desperahtleh calling for help while I was almost pummahled to dayth by a big meaty flappy monster…
Eileen: Yes. Now you remember. Lunch.
Dorit: THAT VAJOINA BOOLIED MEH! It’s back! It’s baaaack!
Eileen tries to distract from Dorit’s remembered traumas by reminding her that she said something about Kyle saying something about Erika’s vagina doing a tap dance at a White Party. Kyle’s like “woah. What? I never said that. I love tap dancing.”
Dorit insists that she told Kyle Erika felt blindsided and Kyle responded that it was left unresolved. Cut to Kyle saying Erika felt blindsided and Dorit responding that it was unresolved. Dorit is really good at confusing her prey. I can see why a man called into court as much as PK is took her on as a life partner.
Kyle’s like “clean up your own mess and I’ll clean up mine. Wipe your mouth, Kim.” Dorit is uncomfortable, but Eileen argues that the most uncomfortable at this table is the vagina belonging to Don Rickles, currently being worn by Erika. Dorit shouts “But you’re the one talking about it!” Dorit has decided that she and the vagina are both being bullied now. Alliances change so fast on this show.
Eileen sighs and rolls her eyes, as if what she’s saying makes any kind of sense. Dorit and PK were really really wrong at that dinner. I have a feeling, though, that Eileen has done it again. She’s taken one little thing she’s correct about and turned it against herself with her nonstop nagging and general boringness.
Dorit, backed into a corner, says that Kyle was LEET-RALLEH part of the vag convo from start to finish, and furthermore…Kyle tries to interrupt over and over and over again but no one lets her. LOL. Dorit continues that if Erika had such a problem with it she should have said something instead of sending her goons after Dorit.
Erika calmly says that it was the first time she’s ever been asked to apologize for her vagina. Why, the iTunes charts love her vag and give it multiple stars every time she uploads a YouTube. Dorit stops herself from asking what an itoons is so that she can scream “BOOOLIIIIEEES!” some more.
Twitch asks what the big deal is about not wearing panties? She’s not wearing ‘em either. “Look! I zpelled ‘tinkle tinkle leaky beav’ on mah chair!” Kyle goes to the kitchen for the Nature’s Miracle spray while Rinna works on Dorit. “Why don’t you just OWN IT? OWN IT!”
Dorit only knows how to rent, so that tactic won’t help. She tells Rinna to stop putting words in her mouth. “I’m not, baby. I got my own issues with you!” Uh-oh. Is there no meat left on the vag?
Rinna launches into her text allegations. “I sent a text to Eileen saying they brought up her dead family members in a fight about Vanderpump and I can guarantee you my dad didn’t even know Eileen’s mom liked clocks!” This story is officially too hard to follow.
Vanderpump, who’s just put on more makeup, asks “Who are they?” Rinna says PK and Dorit and Vanderpump goes back to making sure her eyelash glue is still working.
Dorit asks in her confused linguistical way “Don’t you feel that when you have a feeling you talk to Eileen and Eileen changes your feelings into other feelings that are worded more Americanlylike?” No one gets that, so Twitch pipes up and agrees with Dorit.
Eileen is caught. Yes, it’s the most ineloquent, phony accented tell off of all time, but caught is caught. She pauses and says “We’re friends. We bounce ideas off each other.” Vanderpump smiles like a cat who likes to make “I don’t fuck my husband” jokes. She tells us that this is textbook Eileen. Twist everything so the whole cast is yelling at one person about something no one can truly understand.
Twitch doesn’t buy Eileen’s excuse. She doesn’t buy anything. Shit she probably didn’t even buy the dress she’s wearing. “You encourage each other, too.”
Eileen glares squint daggers at her and flattens her hand across the table. “That’s not true. Now back to what Dorit said about Erika saying that a vagina told PK…”
Twitch won’t drop this one. She says “You always have excuses Liza! Look what you did ta me whenz i waz goin through all that ztuff! Theze carts vollowed me oudda Targetz and then peebles at the Fourzeasons interrupted my poopins and I wazn’d even drungz!”
Rinna, pissed now, says “The truth is the truth!” multiple times like she’s trying to summon the Beetlejuice of Insta memes.
Twitch ignores. She snorts that Rinna uses the death of her dad as an excuse to get out of taking responsibility for anything she did wrong. Woah, girl! I said the same thing when Rinna brought it up, and it’s hurtful that I agree with Kim. But I still do. Rinna says her dad wasn’t even sick when Kim talked shit about Harry Hamlin. Kim shrugs and gasp/snort/laughs in her Kim way. “I didn’d say anythen aboud Harry Hamlinz! Just that I was gonna sayz id!”
Cut to a clip of Twitch threatening to spill the beans on HH and Rinna trying to grab her turkey neck then throwing a glass at her. LOL. Classic. Kyle’s only set this table with Smart and Final plastics, so there’s nothing to throw. Kim drawls “You fighd dirdeez!”
Rinna “YOU ARE!”s her. “Let’s talk about your arrest! How bout that?!” The table groans. Vanderpump, like Rocio just lost a soccer point against the midget donkeys, boos. “That’s a low blow, Rinna. Whyyyyyyyyyy?”
Eileen is sitting the fuck out on this one. It might seem like she’s not there for Rinna in her time of need, but we all know she’s just biding her time so she can say “vagina” again before the night is done.
Twitch is a little lost. She’s not used to standing on high ground. The air is thinner up there. “See? Look at ya! LOOG ATCHA!” Rinna is standing now, because she needs to pace when she’s wrong. It’s how she stays so thin.
Kim has always had the “poor me” thing down. Nothing is ever her fault. I’m used to hearing it. It’s weird to hear the same song and dance when she’s sober, though. I don’t know if I like it. “How do you feel? Does that mage ya feel bedderz? Do ya feelz goodz?”
Rinna, pacing and blinking, asks “DO YOU?” Kim whispers from the bottom of her wheezing lungs. “I feel good. Today.” She could be driven back to the dark side any second you guys and if she does, Rinna was in charge of the Lyft that took her there.
Rinna knows she went too far. Kim low blowed her so “I low blowed her back.” She asks why Kim is so mad. WHY ARE YOU MAD KIM RICHARDS? Kim lashes “Cuz you’re a fage lady! Your a liar and a fager!”
Eden, who’s been giving really dirty looks to her plate, is now in on the convo. She spiritually smacks Kim. “Twitchy friend of my long gone sister who didn’t have a second chance. We are the sober ladies of the night, and sober ladies come from a place of dignity!” Kim’s confused. “Nuh-uh. I come from the Valley.”
Eden stops her. “Place of love. Instead of attacking, try snacking.” Kyle stops chewing. Rinna saves the moment. “WHY. ARE. YOU. ANGRY. KIM. RICHARDS?”
Kim is being smacked down for different reasons by both sides of the table now. She can’t say she’s pissed cuz Rinna outed her addiction (again) and forced her to stop drinking in public, so she says she just wants a real apology from Rinna.
Rinna, still standing, blinks. And blinks. And blinks. She’s lost this one. “I’m sincerely sorry if I hurt your feelings Kim Richards.” Silence as no one buys. “I hurt you because I was angry and it was wrong for me to be mean to you because I felt hurt. I apologize.” Twitch has that indignant confused rage in her eyes, but Rinna did that very well so Kim is forced to nod and hold tightly to her purse, as if she’s the one being shoplifted from. “OK.”
Eileen looks at Vanderpump like “See? That’s an apology.” Rinna, like she just lost the war, goes inside. Everyone sits there quietly, waiting to see what Kim does. She smiles, then gets up. No one notices that she’s peed “Fuck you Lisa Rinna Harry Hamlin is a woman named Frieda” onto her chair cushion.