Greetings, Trashies! Welcome to another exciting(ish) season of The Bachelor. The night before the premier, ABC gave us The Countdown to Juan Pablo. It was really pretty pointless, aside from a touching memorial tribute to Gia Allemand. I’m not even going to snark on that. It was lovely.
OK, so let’s get into the stuff that we can snark without feeling like awful people! Is anyone else pissed off that ABC decided to use the term Juan-uary. Shut up, ABC. That’s not even a clever pun.
The opening is the same old Bachelor opening. Juan Pablo is shirtless, he talks about how he’s ready to find love, he thinks he’ll find his wife here, etc. Soccer was the love of his life until his daughter Camila was born. Since she was born on Valentine’s day, her full name is Camila Valentina. Juan Pablo (would it be OK if I just call him JP from here on out?) tells us that his baby mama is still a great friend. They were together for two years, but it just didn’t work out. Anyone want to take bets on JP and the former Mrs. JP getting back together once this show is over? It seems that’s how these things always work on dating reality shows. Hell, it even happened for Flavor Flav.
JP knows that it’s pretty groundbreaking that he’s the first non-white Bachelor. Well, kind of, but that’s a discussion for a sociology course. Anyway, he tells us that he speaks “the language of love.” Or, you know, the “language of unbelievably desperate women.” JP’s whole family comes to LA to help support him though this entire process. I can’t imagine my parents being supportive if I were on a show like this. Don’t get me wrong, my family and I are very close. However, they love me enough to say, “PopePhilly, this is a really stupid idea. Knock it the fuck off!”
I will admit that the time JP and Camila spend at the amusement park is ridiculously adorable. Just try looking at this and not smiling:
Although JP loves his daughter very much, he wants to find a woman to share the rest of his life. He separated once. He doesn’t want to do it again. Perhaps going on The Bachelor isn’t the best way to do that. Hell, it took them 17 season to finally find a couple who even started planning a wedding after the show. There are some more voiceovers and some JP shirtless time. This is the most boring intro ever.
JP is scared of this process so t
he producers he made a call to Sean because he’s still under contract with ABC he knows what this situation is all about. Really? Sean? Can I be done with him already? I recapped his season and his stint on Dancing with the Stars. Apparently, the universe is trying to kill me with a Sean Lowe overdose.
They talk a lot but don’t say really much of anything of substance. JP is bad with names, Sean tells him it’s best to just be honest. Sean does give some decent advice – don’t kiss one woman in front of the others. Sean did that once and all the ladies got really pissed off. He goes on and on about how he developed strong feelings multiple women at the same time. If you remember, Sean was telling Lindsay that he could imagine marrying here less than 24 hours before he proposed to Catherine.
OK, Sean says something kind of sweet. He and Catherine got engaged in Thailand, rode off into the sunset on an elephant, and it was all over-the-top romance. However, he didn’t realize how much he really loved her until one night when his dogs got sprayed by a skunk and they were administering a tomato juice bath at two in the morning. Granted, he probably should have realized this before he proposed, but this is reality TV. What else can we expect?
And Chris Doucherson and his talking hands (since Itchy mentioned it in the comments, I can’t unsee it – also, Chris Harrison’s Talking Hands is going to be the name of my new band) introduce us to JP and tell us his back story. Did you know he has a daughter? I had no idea until Chris brought it up just now. Since this is a new season, we’ve got a new drinking game! First rule, drink every time JP says something like, “I’m doing this for my daughter.”
Why are we going to spend some time with some of the women before actually meeting them? First, we have Chelsie who is a science educator. Really? Who says that? Sweetie, just say “science teacher” like the rest of the world. I wonder if she isn’t really a teacher. Maybe she just stands on a street corner and shows old Bill Nye the Science Guy videos to passersby.
Chelsie is boning up on her Spanish so JP will want to bone up on her. It’s kind of cute, but I’m still annoyed by the whole “science educator” thing.
Renee, a real estate agent, is up next. She is a very outdoorsy woman, but the love her life is her son Ben. They do some typical mother and son stuff and it’s all rather boring. Renee tell us that she is excited to meet JP because they have a lot of stuff in common. She never says what any of those common interests are. I assume she’s talking about the fact that they’re both single parents. I don’t know if that really counts as “having something in common.” That would be like me going up to a guy with brown hair and saying, “Hey! We have a lot in common.”
Andi tells us that she’s a gang prosecutor. Her caption says “assistant district attorney.” I guess she’s in charge of handling all the gang related crimes. Why do women on this show always try to glamorize their job titles? Assistant DA is pretty damn impressive already. Anyway, Andi likes that the defense is always surprised when she walks into the courtroom. In other words, she knows she’s hot. To drive this point home, we get a shot of the defense attorney giving Andi a really rapey look.
Amy J. (her caption gives us a last initial, so I’m assuming there will be more than one Amy) gets the spotlight next. Apparently, Jennifer Aniston is her style icon.
Amy is a massage therapist, but considers herself to be an artist when it comes to the human body. Unfortunately, none of her past boyfriends have ever wanted a massage from her. I’m pretty sure that means she’s not very good at her job. Then she’s in the kitchen telling JP that she made him breakfast…and does the “here comes the airplane” thing that one would do to toddlers.
Oh, it gets better. Amy collapses moaning just saying his name. Yeah, she’s going to be “that one.”
Nikki is a pediatric nurse. She doesn’t want to settle. She’s quite boring. She has some pretty great #BachelorHair. So, that’s a plus.
Lauren H. (another one who likely has a name twin), we learn, is a mineral coordinator. She’s still suffering from a broken heart. She met a man a little over a year ago, they got engaged, and six weeks later he called her at work to break up with her. How the hell does that timeline work? Did they get engaged on the first date? That aside, this woman is fresh off a broken engagement. The Bachelor is probably not the place for her to go on the rebound. Then again, The Bachelor is probably not the place to go for any reason whatsoever.
Valerie is probably going to be the bitch of the season. That’s all I get from her.
Lacy looks a lot like Lindsay from last season. She is from a family of 13 – 9 of which are special needs. When she was 20-years-old, she opened her first elderly care facility. What?! At 20? At 20 I was just counting down to my 21st birthday so I could go to the bar. I find this a little hard to believe. There is no way a 20-year-old is able to run a nursing home. I’m thinking that first “elderly care home” she opened was her letting her grandmother sleep over at her house one night.
Clare is honest about her occupation as a hairstylist. She thinks she has an advantage because she’s part Mexican. Her father had brain cancer, but, before he died, he made a DVD for Clare’s future husband to watch. Does anyone else find that a little bit creepy?
OK, it’s time for the real introductions. Before the ladies arrive, Chris informs JP that the response to him being The Bachelor was so big that they opened up casting…to a whole two more people. Instead of the usual 25 women, JP will have 27 to choose from. I’m not sure if that’s really true. It seems that the women didn’t know who the Bachelor would be until they were already cast. Did ABC just anticipate a large response? I call shenanigans. There’s no time for analyzing this, because the ladies arrive. Here they are:
Amy L. – local news reporter
There’s a little small talk, a hug, and I yawn. Wow. That was boring.
Cassandra – former NBA dancer
Really? Her job title is “former NBA dancer”? I don’t think you can list something as your occupation if it’s not something you do anymore. I do laugh very hard when we actually hear crickets as they run out of things to talk about after “how are you?”There’s some awkward laughter. At least Cassandra acknowledges that it’s uncomfortable. There may be hope for this one yet.
Christy – marketing manager
Christy…has on a tiara. That’s all I got.