Ay Trashmii! So we’ve been waiting for about 5 weeks at the Florrick/Agos party, where Marilyn the Ethics Lady has just announced that her kid’s going to be named Peter. Peter Florrick’s reputation hangs in the balance (again) and Eli’s mouthful of scotch hangs in the air.
Eli clears his throat and drags Marilyn away. She swears up and down she’s not naming her baby after Peter Florrick, but her babydaddy is named Peter, but that’s all she can say, because otherwise the ep would be all about Alicia and Will, who WE GET IT. YOU HAD TONS OF SEX 2 SEASONS AGO. Eli vibrates with panic as Alicia walks by to pay the band (nobody had a Jawbone Jambox for a broke law firm’s office party?) which mainly consists of Matthew Lillard, former teen movie superdick and current perennial cop show guest star. He heard that Florrick/Agos will go to court with absolutely anyone as long as their case is fraught, they don’t even care what it’s fraught with.
Alicia’s familiar with this dude, Rebel Kane, because he was in jail with Peter. Lillard and his buddy covered the above guy’s song, “Thicky Trick,” with a country twang and a terrible stock-video-footage-editing job, and then a TV show about summer drama camp stole it. I have a question. Are the drama kids the cool kids now, and if so, how terrible is that gonna make the next generation of actors? Cary is unimpressed, but there’s money in it, since this Drama Camp song is a bestseller.
Lockhorns/Groveller. F. Murray Abraham, aka Burl Preston, is there to see Alicia. Luckily, every single partner at the firm is there at the very same time, in another pointless meeting.
Will comes out, worked up into an ongoing lather, and offers Burl his services in defeating Alicia, because he’s chopped that down before. Burl is like, But you’re still a dick. And Will is like, Exactly. And Burl is like, whatever, because he’s having knee problems, and if a co-counsel stands up while he stays seated, he’s not gonna turn it down.
As Will is talking about his enemies, a big photo of Mr. Big, which doesn’t look slimy or gladhanding at all, appears. Under it, Eli asks Kalinda to go paternity-test Marilyn. Kalinda doesn’t want to help Peter, so Eli sells her on helping Alicia. Eli needs someone who won’t leak the news to Alicia if her Peter is the babydaddy. Kalinda raises her rates.
The manager of Lillard’s band moonlights at the bowling alley, or vice versa, and he didn’t get the derivative copyright, probably because he wasn’t being paid. So Alicia and the band go see Kane, and they buy the derivative copyright for $5 in his greenhouse.
Florrick/Agos hasn’t bothered to remodel their freight elevator. I guess they want their clients to start getting used to jail bars. Burl and Will come in, the latter causing more visible discomfort in Cary and Alicia than he really deserves.
The 4 lawyers sit down at the folding table and talk turkey, the kind of turkey where both sides claim the song is theirs and there is countersuit. The TV station owns the exclusive derivative copyright, but the good news is that Lillard gets his $5 back.
Damien comes into Will’s office to remind Will that he has skeletons in his closet and Will has the most to lose if Kalinda finds them.
Court is presided over by Judge Junior Soprano, who fills this ep’s gritty HBO drama star quota. I wonder if he has lunch with Judge Johnny Sack.
If I were a thief, wouldn’t I steal a song that um, sucked less?
Will keeps objecting, and then making an opposite objection when Alicia complies with the first. This totally gives Alicia the Michael Bays. Even Judge Junior notices that Will’s just being an instigator and tells him to stop it, as if that’s all it takes. Eventually, we find out that Lillard wrote this country melody on the anniversary of his father’s death, and he wanted it to be like Rick Astley doing a rap, because sometimes when you’re grieving, you find stupid crap funny.
They play the awful Drama Camp show video side-by-side with Lillard’s, to drive home the point that
only bad music sells they sound alike. Alicia changes into the dress she wore the night she and Will first did it, which is enough to throw Will off his game, and I marvel again that both of these people get paid for this when it’s so very easy to screw with them. The director of the Drama Camp show blames the mirror similarity of the two songs on the zeitgeist with a straight face. F. Murray remarks that payola goes a long way these days, or something. If there is an original word or note in that whole song, it’s an accident.
Kalinda sits down next to Marilyn in the OB’s office and tries to strike up a babydaddy-related conversation. She’s interrupted by Mob Doctor/Damien’s cop, (thanks chickenlips!) which pisses her off mightily.
Back in court, Burl insists on cross-examining Lillard, since he has a goal other than messing with Alicia. This questioning reveals that Lillard was present at the same soundstage where Drama Camp was being shot, so he must have stolen the song from Drama Camp, not the other way around. Judge Junior rules that even though Lillard is probably in the right, the exclusive derivative copyright stands. So Florrick/Agos has no case, but the countersuit against them can proceed. Alicia and Lillard look terrified.
Kalinda works pantsless, because she can. Mob Doctor is getting some nookie on Eli’s dime, too. Kalinda claims not to know who Katy Perry is, despite kissing girls and liking it. Mob Doctor gets a suspicious call and says it’s her mom.
Lillard tries to get his head around Judge Junior’s decision as Alicia and Cary discuss their strategy for a do-over during the countersuit. A transformative copyright applies to a satirical work automatically, so they’ll claim it’s that.
Kalinda tracks down Marilyn’s probable babydaddy. He admits he totally wanted to hit that, despite being married, but another Peter called her to Springfield, so no fluids were exchanged. Kalinda implies that the babydaddy has a bunch of money coming to him, but Other Pete still won’t bite.
In court, Will and Burl put Rebel Kane on the stand, who says that his song was already satire, so Lillard didn’t transform it and doesn’t have a transformative copyright.
Kalinda sits down with Eli and updates him on the Peter-baby situation. There’s supposed to be a surveillance tape of the hotel where Marilyn met Daddy-Peter, but it’s missing! Eli freaks out and calls Florrick. Then he busts into Marilyn’s office, where she’s pregnantly lying on the floor with her feet up. He asks her point blank if Peter Florrick is the father, and she acts like it’s ridiculous that anyone would even think that.
Damien follows Kalinda around the office trying to bait her in various ways. He hits a nerve when he tells her that Mob Doctor likes her.
Robyn scours the internet for reviews on both cover songs and breaks them down into sound waves and technical stuff. The other lawyers in the loftfice tell her to turn it down, as if they have any clients to notice it. Lo and behold, there’s a sound on the original track – not the one playing on radios now, but the original rushed-through-production-for-Swedish-iTunes copy – that can only be the sound of bowling pins falling in the alley where Lillard’s version was recorded. This proves Drama Camp literally stole Lillard’s track.
Diane and Will drink scotch and discuss their psychological break with each other. He tells her not to read so much into it, and to let him sublimate his anger into great things while it’s at a high ebb like this. Also, he has seniority now, since she technically quit last month.
The Tribune calls Eli to say they have a video that he may be interested in.
Mob Copter pulls over Kalinda for not calling her. Kalinda says she doesn’t like how much Copter talks. Copter tries to lay this guilt trip on her like they were friends before and didn’t bang within an hour of meeting each other.
Back at LG, everyone listens to the bowling pins on both tracks, and Alicia reiterates that there was actual theft. Will’s ready to go right back to court. Alicia reminds him that his client has a say in this. F. Murray echoes the sentiment. Alicia gloats with her eyes. Will glares at her and flounces out. Lillard and Robin hug. Cary and the other guy in the band awkwardly pat each other’s shoulders.
Tribune. Eli’s here to see this alleged video, and expecting to see the hotel surveillance tape on which Marilyn gets pregnant. But no! It’s a video of the ballot-box dropping from last season’s finale! The one that civic wunderkind Zack Florrick brought to everyone’s attention, the one filled with fake Florrick votes that Peter allegedly didn’t know about and actually didn’t need. Ohhh. I like where this is going. It’s not enough for our embattled Governor to just keep his pants on this season, is it? Luckily, Eli doesn’t have a beverage this time.
Marilyn stops Eli in the office hallway and says her babydaddy, superstud Peter Bogdanovich, is totally fine with coming forward, and she overreacted.