Hey, Trashies! Well, we made it round the bend. Time to order in, slob out, kick back with the gang at VPR, and feel really damned smart ‘n moral for a spell — c’mon, let’s go!
We open at Brit-Brit’s, where the Witches of WeHo, sans Kristen and Ariana, wake up in their morning makeup and don their oversize glasses. Stassi cracks a cold one, and a mess o’ Taco Bell is delivered to the door. That’s a pretty sweet product placement deal they scored, if you ask me.
Well, maybe it’ll cost you a little aggravation
Katie says she went down the hall to brush her teeth, and there was Schwa, stumbling in the door sh*t-face drunk in such an adorable manner, she felt compelled to pay him a compliment — she told him he looks like he works with wood on the side, which is an ominous harbinger of things to come, not to give anything away.
They all compliment her on her sweet, sweet compliment, then Scheana says she’s taking a private jet to Vegas with Lala. This is Katie’s cue to trash-talk Lala. Private jets scare Katie. Maybe she’ll take one someday, but only because she chartered it, not someone’s “sugar daddy married boyfriend”.
“He’s not married,” says Scheana. Katie says, well, that’s probably why he’s not married, because Lala is a home-wrecking ho.
Meanwhile, at Villa Rosa, the Toms arrive for the most important meeting of their life. But first, they dilly dally long enough to convince Lisa they’re having the nervous trots outside, while flashing back to the night before, during which they got completely sh*t-faced and put Jax up in a hotel. Lisa tells Ken she’s pretty much done with them, unless they bring some positivity to the table.
Straight off, they tell her $120,000 for 10% is too much. She interviews that she literally pulled that number out of her ass, and it was a gift, because it’ll cost far more than $1.2 M to open this restaurant.
They try to talk her down, but she says hell no to $80 grand. Fortunately, just then — with a little help from Ken — she notices that they’ve turned a corner, so she agrees to $50K from each, for a 5% partnership, as long as they chip in a reasonable volume of sweat.
Back at Jax n’ Brittany’s, the gals are eating Taco Bell when in comes Jax, screaming and hollering. He says this is not that terrible a thing. People are dying of cancer all the time, this is not that big a deal. (I hear Jax’s dad just died of cancer, which is terribly sad; my heart goes out to Jax in this time of grief and sadness.) So apparently, this is a grief and sadness contest, and Jax is winning. He shouts, “You’re not that devastated, you’ve been partying everywhere, you’re not that devastated!”
Jax interviews that he doesn’t want to hear this from “f*ing Divorco”, Scheana, nor from Katie (nuff said), nor Stassi, who’s been kicked off every dating site she’s been on. He wants to hear this from Brittany, privately, preferably while she’s screwing his brains out.
KFC says she’s hurt. He says fine, but he only did Faith once, so she only has the right to scream at him once. Just then, to the delight of the Witches, KFC jumps up and physically attacks Jax, kinda sorta-ish, chasing him out of the apartment.
Back to the Toms, who are so happy they blast T.I.P. in the car, during which we’re treated to Sandy’s patented fisty-hug dance. Sandy calls Ariana, who wishes she could celebrate with him, but unfortunately has a prior commitment to hang out with Scheanana in her closet. Sandy tells Schwa, “Let’s go back to your place.” Schwa cracks that he bets Katie will have sex with both of them.
“Tee he-hee, stop!” giggles Sandy.
“Is your ass good luck, cuz girl I wanna rub it!”
Back at Jax’s place, Katie and Stassi are talking about how OCD Stassi just realized she is, thanks to her event-planning gig, when the Toms walk in all pretend-sad. They say their beers are to drown their sorrows, then they… share the good news, yay! Everybody is so happy, especially Katie. Yes, the House of Maloney Schwa is in fine form indeed.
Meanwhile, Ariana arrives at Scheana’s closet. Scheana describes how KFC attacked Jax — “went full-on Southern ham”, to quote Ariana. We get a nice little anti-violence PSA from Ariana, along with cheers to Brittany.
In comes Lala, wearing a T shirt dress with pics of Lala all over it. After bragging that Lala travels first class or private (because Lala’s man does very well), Lala tells the girls that Lisa has agreed to beam her fellow alien back up onto the mothership.
Scheana spills about Katie. Enraged, Lala makes a gun with her hand, and howls, “Are you tryna get popped?!”
Now Lala spills — Schwa made out with Lala’s friend Allie while the girls (Katie, Stassi and Kristen) were in New York, after they got married. Apparently he was at some club called Bungalow, and was completely sh*t-face drunk. He kept calling her Bubba, and couldn’t keep his hands off her.
By way of proof, we’re treated to footage of Allie telling Lala the dirty deets in some empty establishment in the middle of the day.
Ariana says she’s going to have to tell Schwa about this at Guillermo’s birthday party, because even though she’s not super tight with Katie, she feels Katie deserves to hear this from Tom, and not the “rumor mill”. Plus, it might lay waste to Stassi’s first event-planning gig, which would be unfortunate, but definitely a price Ariana’d be willing to pay.
Lala says, “Well, her marriage is going to end, so that’s her karma.”
Now it’s Stassi’s turn to meet with Lisa at Villa Rosa. She has six hours to put together this party, so she better get cracking. Lisa hands over her limitless credit card…,
… and tells Stassi she’d like her to include an emotional component in the party.
Off to buy cake and flowers. This is so haaaaard!
Meanwhile, Jax and Schwa grab a table at Society Kitchen, and order some fried guacamole.
Schwa brings up the possibility of them two setting up, not necessarily an open relationship, per se, but a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy with their ladies, like the one Patrick has with Stassi. Jax says he doesn’t want an open relationship with KFC, because that would take the fun out of it, not to mention KFC doing whatever she pleased, which Jax didn’t enjoy much last season.
Schwa has obviously thought about this a lot.
Back to Stassi, who’s ordering flowers and picking up a cake. It turns out this event-planning thing is harder than she thought! Lisa is bougie as sh*t, so buying flowers is not something Stassi can do at just any old flower shop — no, she must find a bougie flower shop. What a hassle (and so hard!). Also, then she has to pick up the camera and buy decorations for the photo album.
Oh, and the cake! If you think it’s just any cake, you’d be mistaken. No, it’s a chocolate cake with raspberry filling, which turns out to be a very rare kind of cake.
And that’s not all, no, she has to get all this done before 5:00.
So Stassi has set up a table where all the guests have to take a picture, grab some stickers, and make a page for Guillermo in a party scrapbook. And not a moment too soon — it’s party time! Kristen arrives with Carter. Guillermo and Nathalie show up, then in come Tom and Ariana. Lisa is pleased that Stassi has followed her direction, and has included an “emotional component” to this party, in the form of a very aggravating and stress-inducing scrapbook workshop table.
KFC tells the girls she doesn’t want to talk about Jax at the party, as she needs time to clear her mind and decide what she wants to do, besides bang Jax’s brains out.
Elsewhere, Jax n’ James meet for a little absinthe.
Meanwhile, back at the party, it’s cake time. Lisa toasts to Guillermo and their 12-year partnership. Then, in totally unscripted fashion, Guillermo tells the Toms they are the next ones. Schwa interviews that he feels he could be the next Guillermo, minus the Latin good looks and the charm, but he does have a little charm, a little bit. At least, that’s what Allie said when she came up for air.
Ariana asks Schwa to meet her in the alley so she can talk to him. He says, “What’s up, baby?” then lets out a big, juicy belch. Ariana wonders out loud how to rip the band aid off, then decides that, out of the goodness of her heart, she must just come right out with it.
She heard that he drunkenly made out with a friend of Lala’s at a place called Bungalow in January or February. Schwa says he doesn’t remember, which causes a flashback to NOLA, where he claimed he didn’t remember making out with those two hos in Vegas, but he definitely didn’t sleep with them, if his memory serves him right.
Back to Jax ‘n James. James takes a selfie, and tags it via voice-to-text, using a hilariously perfect American accent, “Two shots of absinthe later.” He reports, “Absinthe tastes like a little green fairy goes down your throat and rips your balls out your throat through your mouth.” Jax says it’s like smoking three blunts, not that he smokes blunts (or says the word “blunt”). Now that they’re good and trippy…,
***Hottest couple of VPR***
… James asks how things are going with Brittany.
Jax says he’s really enjoying all the raunchy hate sex. He explains the Madonna Syndrome to James (who’s never heard of it, being as he’s C. of E. and all that), then revels in the fact that in this one crystalline moment, he’s got Madonna and Whore all rolled up in one. He’d like to eventually move it over to the love spectrum of the dial, so he can get his rocks off elsewhere, but this’ll do for now.
Back to Guillermo’s party. Schwa comes clean to Katie right there, causing a fracas at the venue. They take it to the alley, where Katie growls at Schwa, “Get it together! What is wrong with you?!” Then they come back inside and involve Lisa, whilst Wesley smirks from the bar.
Just then, Stassi artfully redirects things to “the bathroom or alley”, earning her stars as a star event planner — way to go Stassi!
Lisa takes it personally, because she officiated this marriage. Katie rightly points out that she would never get away with the “I don’t remember” defense (wrong chromosomes), then cries that she loves him. She keeps asking what she did, besides being an utterly repellent person for a whole season, then marrying an irresponsible man-child and pissing Lala off. How is this her karma? She thought all this cheating business was in their past, God.
Next up, Robert “Parks” Valetta gets caught kissing some other ho, right after Scheana picks their wedding date!
Is there no hope for humanity?!
Till next time, Trashies…
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