Previously, Rinna and Dorit called a truce, but not before Dorit assaulted Rinna with her gigantic, boulder-like fake boobs.
Run, Rinna! Run!!!
Erika agreed to be less of a cold betch to LVP. Camille barely spoke. We learned Teddi doesn’t like to be wasteful with money, she also was a professional equestrian. Erika, we learned doesn’t know her father and doesn’t give one single f*ck about it, or so she says. Kyle is going on an extravagant yachting vacay. Rinna’s daughter spent almost $300 on a piece of beef. Dorit has worn Erika down to the nub and Erika has agreed to be her friend just to stop the torture.
In the opening scene, we learn: Erika gets letters from people in jail. Eh, who doesn’t.
Ken wants to clone Giggy. To make another dog or a new toupee? The reason is unclear.
Rinna has rat poop in her stove. No wonder she is so thin.
Sunglasses. Located right next to the jewelry that turns ones skin green.
Dorit is organizing her sunglasses. Riveting.
Did Erika wear panties?
PK wants to hear all about the Vegas trip, mostly so he can know if he can continue to pick on Erika and/or Rinna. He immediately asks what’s going on with both ladies and Dorit says she is “cool” with Erika and that Rinna has apologized to her.
Like getting hit in the chest with a cinder block
Dorit claims to be surprised that she and Erika are getting along- well sweet Jesus, you are crawled so far up Erika’s ass you can move her mouth like a puppet. PK is hosting a birthday dinner for Dorit (on Friday) and wants to know if he should invite both of the women. Dorit says that PK should invite both.
Over at Kyle’s house, the construction is in full-swing. Kyle explains that Mauricio wanted to move to a new house, but Kyle loves her house so much she just didn’t find anything she liked better. Therefore, she will remodel the current house to make it so she doesn’t like it and will then move elsewhere. She can’t wait to go on vacation so her delicate ears don’t have to hear the hammering of the construction. It’s hard for her.
They are changing out all of their hardwood floors. They are adding a fireplace to Kyle’s bathroom- just what every bathroom in Southern California needs- maybe I’ll put one in my house in Texas- makes about as much sense. Also, they are changing the shape of their swimming pool because the current shape is ugly.
MisRed can’t. Do these gaping a-holes have nothing better to do with their money? Oh, your pool is an ugly shape? Are your diamond shoes too tight too?
Kyle’s new pool
Kyle then says, “I don’t care what happens to my house while I’m gone as long as I have floors when I get back.” Wasn’t Kyle just robbed? Hang on, MisRed PI needs to investigate.
Ok, so break in didn’t happen when they were away on this lavish vacation, but on the lavish vacation on which they are currently luxuriating. Despite state of the art security system, their 75 dogs, which, ironically were away being trained to prevent this type of situations, the thieves got away with approximately $1,000,000 in “stuff.” Including Kyle’s Birkins and her wedding band inscribed with “Mauricio Forever.” That was on a piece of Jewelry, not on an air-brushed T-shirt from the Wildwood New Jersey Boardwalk.
Hang on, MisRed has to sneeze “AchcheckKim’salibioooooooo”
$1,000,000 and no safe? Very smart.
So this stuff listed- do people usually INGEST it?
Rinna meets Teddi for sushi. Teddi orders edamame with no salt. Ok, one point off from Teddi in MisRed’s book.
A hearty lunch for two.
She is, at least, pretending she’s eating it, baby.
Rinna give Teddi props for coming to Las Vegas, especially not knowing anyone. Rinna says she likes Teddi but that she has a tendency to get to know and trust people too quickly- like when she knew Eden Sassoon for 13 seconds and told her that Kim Richards was on deaths door – so she is going to hang back and get to know Teddi slowly.
Flashback of Rinna and her selective amnesia from last year.
I have zero recollection…
Teddi explains that her kids go to pre-school and tuition is $35,000 a year. That’s 1.4 pair of sunglasses for Dana. Rinna says her kids didn’t go to fancy schools and they didn’t learn to read until they were 10. Well that explains some things.
Teddi goes on to interview that both LVP and Dorit had warned her about Rinna. We get a flashback of Dorit saying to Teddi that there are some people who will seize on something small and make it very very big. Uh yeah, like about Erika not wearing underwear for example.
Teddi goes on to say that she will make her own assessment and so far she likes Rinna.
The chat continues and Teddi says she feels like- in LA- that there’s a lot of “keeping up with the Jones.” And she, just, doesn’t do that. She “rode horses for a living.” Ok, for those keeping score at home, that’s 3 episodes, 4 mentions of her being a professional equestrian and/or her love of all things equine.
Her point was that she doesn’t do the “glamming” on a regular day. As she’s saying this, Rinna is touching up her make-up at the table. Bahaha.
She explains that her parents split up when she was in the second grade and she focused on horses to get her through the tough times. 5 horse mentions.
Teddi then invites Rinna to a horse show she is competing in. 6 horse mentions. Ok MisRed is going to stop counting. She is inviting Dorit as well. Rinna is like “sounds like fun.” And by “fun” she means…. Exactly, what?
PK is leaching off of LVP for Dorit’s Birthday dinner at Villa Blanca. He, apparently, planned this thing so far in advance… he went to LVP one whole day before.
So this will be on you, babe?
But no worries, LVP will get him back- she’s forcing him to serve Vanderpump Rose and Chef Penny’s Tuna Tartare, no doubt.
Over at the house where PK is squatting, he and baby Phoenix and the nanny/housekeeper/hostage sings Happy Birthday to Dorit.
Imagine having this face stare at you and tell you to call her Mummy.
Dorit acts like she hasn’t seen her daughter in 6 months, which is entirely possible. Jagger can’t attend this little Happy Birthday because he is sleeping. He’s taking a nap. WHAT TIME IS IT?!!? One kid is awake, one kid is napping and Dorit appears to have just gotten out of the shower. Either that or she’s trying a new look- drowned rat. It suits her as much as any of her other looks. Did Erika have a Drowned Rat moment the previous day?
Teddi and Edwin arrive at Villa Blanca and are greeted by LVP wearing, yet another see thru shirt. Ok LVP we get it… your knockers need some attention….
Ken’s Toupee got it’s own seat. That’s nice.
Erika and Rinna arrive.
Dorit and PK arrive. Well MisRed was right- Dorit was going for the Drowned Rat look. Her hair looks like she shampooed it in Aquaphor.
The thirst is realllllll
And is wearing a pleather mini… not exactly the same Erika’s Russian Hooker Dress, but probably as close as she could get at Rainbow at the last minute.
PK greets Rinna like she is holding a nuclear weapon. And Rinna greats PK like she’s hugging a shiny, pretentious twat. Oh wait…
Camille always looks like a blow-up doll
Camille arrives, wearing blue, while everyone else is in black or white or black and white. Everyone sits down for dinner. They note that Kyle isn’t there, she’s in Croatia.
PK excuses himself to get Dorit’s present.
Feeling that Tuna Tartare coming up yet?
It’s Jagger in a white tuxedo. If my husband gave me a 3-year-old in a white tuxedo, MisRed would kick him in the balls. Well, mostly because we don’t have children.
Dorit says that PK dressing him up is the best birthday present EVER. A) I’m quite sure PK didn’t dress him and B) it’s all PK can afford. On behalf of everyone else at this party C) Why the Actual F*CK would someone bring a toddler to an adult dinner??? Their stupidity knows no bounds.
CLEAR the toddler
In her talking head, Dorit says that another GREAT gift is “BIRKINS” and she holds up a Red Birkin bag.
MisRed can’t with these betches and their Birkins. Listen, MisRed likes a nice bag- don’t get her wrong- and did shell out for a nice Louis Vuitton a few years back, but MisRed has a hard time getting behind the purchase of a bag that’s roughly the price of a used car. MisRed means- it would be an inexpensive car, but still. Last I checked, a Birkin can’t drive you to the liquor store or to get tacos.
OH WAIT- maybe she stole Kyle’s… Kyle IS out of town.
Dorit says to Jagger “Jagger, do you remember the girls? Can you say hello?” Both Erika and Rinna say hello to Baby Fuhrer at once and Jagger yells “BAD GUY!”
Dorit says “Who is the bad guy? Is Erika the bad guy?”
Erika interviews, “Kids do tell the truth, but maybe he was prompted?” Ya think?
Erika is like- That’s right mother*cker and don’t you forget it.
Then Dorit interviews that he “never, ever, ever heard it from me.” No, he didn’t. He heard it from that bag of 4-week-old sweaty headcheese: PK.
Teddi, Erika and Edwin are chatting and Edwin reveals he used to be a back-up dancer.
He then says to Erika- I heard you are a singer? Erika says, “A performer.” And Teddi quickly apologizes saying she always says the wrong thing- like she told Edwin Erika was a singer, but should have said she was a performer. Yeah, well, MisRed means, chanting “Pat the puss” really singing?
Then Teddi drops this on Erika “There was a moment where I felt dismissed by you.” Erika is like – HUH? Teddi explains that it was when they were drinking and Dorit asked what it was like growing up with John Mellencamp as a dad? And Erika had said – Well you aren’t defined by your parents.
Erika pull the Tom Schwartz card and says she doesn’t recall. But if she did do that, and she doesn’t think she did, she is sorry.
In Teddi’s interview she says that if someone makes make her uncomfortable, she will call them on it. Oh dear. Erika interviews- You didn’t get a warm feeling from me in Vegas…. With an eye roll.
Well in fairness, Erika did warn us- it’s not ice… it’s diamonds. Wait, THAT was Teddi’s attempt at sh*t stirring?
LVP says that Rinna should make a speech. So Rinna stands up. Oh god, Rinna, sit down.
Dorit says in her talking head “Lisa Vanderpump, MY birthday party is not the time or the place to be playing with your Lisa Rinna doll.” Good one. Congratulations, now MisRed merely violently detests you, Dorit.
This is me owning it, BABY
Rinna’s speech was relatively innocuous except for her making it all about herself. Basically, like it’s a miracle she’s even there and Happy Birthday.
Over at the Pretty Mess Brain Trust, Brian Moylan of Vulture arrives to ask Erika a bunch of questions. Apparently he is ghost-writing Erika’s upcoming book and appears to be wearing a skort of some type. Work it, MisRed says. Hard to believe Erika would need a ghostwriter. However, Brian Moylan is a great writer so if Aviva Dresher wasn’t available, Brian is definitely a great #2.
Where in God’s name does Erika get her shirts.
Laser Cats on acid
Is some designer trying to play a trick on her?
Erika and Brian talk about Erika’s father. Erika tells the story of meeting her father when she was 25 years old, and going to his house for Thanksgiving. At the time, her father and his wife had a toddler and Erika asked how they wound up with a baby. And the father said, “Well my wife never had kids and neither did I…”
Erika says that is was a very “telling” moment. That obviously, he never acknowledged her existence, even to himself. Brian asks if she had to, like, break up with him or if the relationship just, sort of “petered” out. Erika says that it just petered out and they have no contact because you can’t go back and repair something that never existed.
Y’all, if MisRed hadn’t had her tear ducts sealed in 1992, she might have she one lone, Lisa Rinna-like tear.
Erika tells Brian that she operated differently with her son. She and her ex- husband worked very closely to raise their son.
MisRed needs a Print to Canvas of this STAT
We then see a hysterical scene of LVP cleaning swan poop off of the bridge over the moat around her house. Clearly, LVP doesn’t use a mop very often. Rinna shows up and LVP tries to get her to clean up the poop and then Dorit arrives. GET HER, HANKY! Take her down, bite her jugular!!!
Where is a banana peel when you REALLY need one?
Or as Tamra would say “Juggler.”
They- LVP, Rinna and Dorit- are going to Teddi’s Horse Show. Rinna is in jeans and boots, LVP is in, yet, another see thru blouse and pants, Ken is in a French Maid’s Costume, and Dorit is dressed like she is going to Ascot. Oh wait, Ken isn’t going.
Dorit interviews- putting down Rinna and LVP saying that “I clearly am probably the most fashionable here.” Mawhahahahahahaha, MisRed can’t wait for them to get to the VIP section.
In the horse show bus, Rinna and LVP argue about LVP’s age. Rinna doesn’t believe that LVP is only 3 years older than her. Maybe add a zero. Rinna wants to see LVP’s driver’s license. Rinna says “Are you really 75?”
And LVP interviews, the only thing that’s 75 around here is Rinna’s IQ.
Sure enough the license comes put and indicates that LVP was born in 1960. 1960? Are we sure it’s not 1860? LVP is 65 if she’s a day.
Rinna also tells LVP that she is going to Tokyo with her daughter and is bringing Erika along.
Teddi is preparing and we meet the horse she will be riding. The horse is owned by Teddi’s trainers because “Riding horses is expensive.” Teddi goes on to explain that they are more expensive that raising a child. It’s a shame we can’t just ride children around isn’t it?
Down at the horse show… hmmm, MisRed is seeing way more jeans that Dior dresses, DORIT!! Dorit, immediately, informs Teddi’s trainer that they are VIPs and asks where the red carpet is?
Teddi sees Dorit is like.. I told you to wear closed toe shoes. It’s a safety issue and there is horse poop and port-a-johns.
Can we take up a collection to pay someone to dump a port-a-john of horse manure all over Dorit?
VIP section = dirty horse blanket thrown over a bale of hay
Dorit admits she is over dressed or under dressed, at this point God knows what she is besides painful on MisRed’s eyes.
Teddi rides and wins a blue ribbon. Y-eahhhh-awwwwwwn.
Erika gets a call from her mom- Erika had asked her Mom to come up with some stuff for Erika’s book. Erika interviews that her mother is very “impordant” to her. Christ on a bike, can these betches learn how to speak?
After some chit chat Erika explains that when she was growing up, her grandfather used to send pictures of Erika to Erika’s Dad. And Erika’s Dad told him to stop sending the pictures. Erika’s Dad sounds like a real piece of sh*t. She’s better off without him.
Teddi and Edwin get ready to go to Dorit’s house for dinner. Apparently Dorit is cooking. And apparently, she has bought Hermes china for the occasion. $19,000 worth of Hermes China.
PK comes in and questions the China and Dorit goes into a full-on cockney accent.
Looks like I’m going to have to swindle 19grand out of some unsuspecting bastard
What rope does MisRed pull to get a piano to fall on these two? Seriously, these two got married in a supposedly “lavish” ceremony in March 2015. Did they not register for china like normal people?
Is this the Rose or the Tartare?
Dorit, apparently is preparing recycled vomit for dinner with “lots of cumin.” Or “CUMM-IN” as Teresa Guidice would say.
Dorit claims to be a good cook. She also claims that her mother is “basically a professional chef,” which MisRed interprets to mean she is does not cook professionally in any way, shape or form. Everyone knows how MisRed LOVES when people call themselves “chef” when they have no formal training and/or professional experience to back up the title. Dorit claims that PK LOVES her cooking. Seems to me PK has never met a calorie he didn’t like as he has more chins than a Chinese Phonebook.
Teddi and Edwin arrive at Dorit’s. She is pissed because they are not only on time, but are a hair early. Teddi says she is always punctual and says, “It’s a respect thing.”
MisRed aside: YAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Thank you, Teddi. MisRed can’t even tell you how much the “lateness” thing bugs her. And the people who are perpetually late…don’t even get me started. MisRed had a brunch for her two work assistants. MisRed set and time and asked if it was ok- both agreed it was the PERFECT time. One was over 1 hour late and the other was over 90 minutes late. I was like- a) f*ck you b) I spent 3 hours preparing brunch that is now overcooked and belongs in the garbage and c) f*ck you, be on time. It’s narcissism.
Dorit tells Teddi and Edwin that they will start with some cheese and “CRU-DIT-AYYYY.” This bitch.
Dorit says she was engaged twice before she met PK. The dudes came to their senses. The only reason Dorit is married to PK is because PK owns chloroform. And they quickly move onto whether or not Dorit is going to “have” another baby.
Teddi says that she and Edwin will not be having another baby because she had a scary delivery with her son. She also tells us she went through IVF and it’s difficult. As a woman, one of your most important jobs is to “make babies” and if you can’t, you are sad because you aren’t able to do that job and you feel like a failure.
The baby was a difficult delivery- and has a heart condition. Both Teddi and Edwin feel a little guilty because in the IVF process, they CHOSE to have a boy and they felt like God was punishing them for choosing a boy. Oh dear.
Why is Teddi on this show- she seems way too normal and boring.?
Get the smelling salts, Peee-KAYYYYYYY
Of course, Dorit is so f*cking dramatic, she almost has the vapors hearing this story.
PK then tells the story that his first son came out blue and with a cone head. He keeps emphasizing the CONE HEAD part of the story.
Teddi interviews, completely deadpan “That’s the same… … ish.” Bahahahahaha
Shut up PK.
Over at Rinna’s, Kyle facetimes from her boat in Croatia. Kyle calls to get the full poop from Rinna.
Back at Dorit’s, the vomit is served.
PK tells Teddi and Edwin that a year ago they had a dinner party and Rinna had attended. They THOUGHT she had a good time but after the party she went and attacked the entire evening. Well everyone at the party got up from the table and left Rinna with some old Queen- may he rest in peace. Then Dorit says “He thinks Lisa Rinna is schizophrenic.”
Teddi interviews that she is not sure, without being a medical professional, that she would give that type of diagnosis.
Then Dorit goes on to tell a story of how Rinna attacked her on a boat in Hong Kong and how Rinna has “Rage and Regret” and that the whole trip was designed to hurt her. Dorit also thinks Rinna had some nerve giving a speech at her birthday party. Well if she’s pissed about that, she should take it up with LVP.
Ok, so here we go. Remember when MisRed said their slate isn’t so clean. Yup, Dorit has no intention of starting over. She isn’t erasing any chalkboards, dry erase boards or etch-a-sketches. Grudge firmly in place.
This doesn’t smell like forgiveness
Teddi is confused- they just had this big moment of forgiving each other and now Dorit is at a dinner talking about it again. That isn’t forgiveness in Teddi’s eyes.
Teddi may be boring, but she seems to have sume of these twats figured out.
PK is so gross. Who calls a strangers wife “Babe?”
Looks like, next week, Dorit takes aim at Camille and something about a strap-on?
How revolting is PK? Your comments are EVERYTHING! So hysterical, keep those gems coming. Love you guys!!! xoxox
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