Happy New Year, Trashies! Are you as ready as I am to give 2013 a big, swift kick in the cojones? I can think of no better way to start off 2014 than with a new episode of heart melting love stories told to us by the cultured and demure jewel of Bravo’s TV crown, Patti Stanger.
Today, Patti’s boyfriend David is giving her boxing lessons in a park somewhere. Patti’s hitting his hands with her glove saying dumb things like “THIS is for not doing the dishes”. I hope she slips and “accidentally” punches him in the nose. Patti talking-heads that her “language of love” is East Coast because it’s all about constant sex and gifts while David is a wimpy, West Coast dude who needs constant affirmation. Patti just described herself as a prostitute.
East Coast REPRESENT
Patti’s office and David walks in with a bag of thongs and underpants from designer Andrew Christian who wants to get his SAG card by being part of the Millionaire Club. David explains that Andrew is sick of the Hollywood phonies and wants to meet someone that doesn’t know he’s a rich guy. If he wants someone to like him for him, being part of a club with the word “millionaire” in its title isn’t exactly the stealth way to go about it, dude.
Screams “gold diggers need not apply”, don’t it?
Andrew’s 35, a clothing designer and has $4.2M to throw around. He describes himself as the gay Hugh Hefner with his own Playboy mansion as a shot of his house, poolside, comes up on the screen (house porn!). Patti’s squealing how much she loves him. He says he has a hand (hmm-HMM) in picking all the models and then complains that there’s always ulterior motives once he starts dating them. Either this dude is a complete A-hole or he’s the dumbest person on the planet if he thinks 20-something twinks want to go out with him for reasons other than the fact that he’s rich and connected. Patti concurs. Andrew says his relationships only last 2 weeks to a few months and has come to the realization that he’s picking the wrong guys. You think? Bottom line – he’s sick of the hit it and quit it and wants some longevity. Patti likes Andrew and is worried that all the boys in her stable of rent-a-hos will know who he is. David promises to scour West Hollywood for fresh meat.
Patti’s “friend”, Real Ho-wives of New Jersey’s Kathy Wikile, has asked Patti to set up her sister Rosie for a mixer. I don’t really watch the Jersey ladies but I have seen the clips of Rosie screaming at Theresa and banging her fists on tables. Love the Jersey accent, love the anger, love the possibilities. Patti says she’s going to do her buddy a solid since Rosie’s poor and the ratings are lower than she’s comfortable with so Patti screeches there’re going to do a full gay mixer this week. Recap: hot lipstick lesbians of a certain age that is comfortable with a late bloomer.
Rosie Meet Up
Patti’s at a cake shop icing up my lunch while Rosie, Kathy and her husband Richie show up. Rosie tells us she’s 46, from Jersey and you might remember her from RHONJ. Rosie works as a project manager for a furniture company. Her small, family oriented town makes is hard for her to cruise chicks so she does online dating. She calls it a disaster and we’re shown a clip of one of her dates from RHONJ. Rosie says she needs someone calm because she throws enough shit fits for 2 people. She seems kind of nice.
Patti and Rosie bond once it’s revealed that Patti’s from Jersey, too. Kathy says that Patti will understand Rosie especially now that Rosie’s accepted herself. Rich calls out Rosie’s virgin status and Patti for once tries to shush him so as not to embarrass Rosie. Rosie says she’s only had one relationship when she was in her mid-30’s and her sister and brother-in-law seem to really want to fix her up with someone. This seems to be the first truly genuine moment so far this season. From a Jersey housewife, no less! I have zero shade so far.
That didn’t last long because Patti says that Kathy wants the best for Rosie and that’s why they came to her. Bitch, please. She promises to find women that will boost Rosie’s confidence to date back home. Patti’s totally a madam. Rosie – why love now? She’s sick of being lonely. Her first love was a friend first that turned into more and was crushed for a long time after it was over. Her celebrity crush is Ashley Judd because of her sparkly eyes and feistiness. Rosie wants a mature lady, no young dumb-dumbs. Patti tells Rosie that she’s pairing her with Andrew for a dinner mixer. Also, Kathy and Rich will help Patti pick out the girls for her, too. Rules are stated and Patti tells Rosie she has a golden coochie. Gag.