Happy new year! I spent the evening at Phish (as well as the previous three nights) so now that my brain has defogged and I have returned to normal life, I can pick up my House Hunters recaps!
This is the last time Ill be including the recap sections so read up and commit this to memory. This message will self-destruct in a ball of flame and granite countertops in 30 seconds.
Recap Sections and What They Mean:
Air date and title.
Here is where I will judge the buyers by their physical appearance, dress, mannerisms, career and other psychological details I can pick up through the standard introductions and house shopping process. Since the folks are not actors, some are really bad at delivering the scripted lines HGTV always has them read, and so it makes for both awkward delivery and hilarious moments. More so, I like when they play up something ridiculous (“Johnny only likes green bathrooms- something about the color induces bowel movements- but no brass fixtures.”) or when there are ridiculous expectations of what reasonable (“My laundry/yoga room must not face the highway.”).
Same as above, only for the agent.
The Selection Process:
In this section, I plan on outlining each of the houses and their various attributes. While I would like to do photos of each of them, chances are I will screen cap the image where they highlight the three houses and the top three factors related to the search. I will also highlight any stupid, silly, sanctimonious or surprising instances by the buyers.
Exactly what it says. Which house did the buyer’s choose? Did they find enough room for their S&M Dungeon? This is where I analyze their purchase and draw conclusions about their future.
Monday, January 2, 2017: Young Family Seeks Acreage in White Bear Lake, MN
Marty, a young-ish, tattooed and bearded hipster-lite dude with his wife Chelsea (pronounced Shelsea), who- sigh, this will be brutal- is not even close to hot enough for him. I think Chelsea may be one of those girls that lets herself go after kids, though perhaps Marty has a dark past and Chelsea is the only one who could tame the wildness. Or something. She is an ICU nurse and he owns his own business doing mantles and doors. They connected as friends first. Aww. They live outside the Twin Cities and are looking forward to buying a new place after selling their starter home. Their budget is $500,000 and they want 3,000-ish square feet in an open floor plan. They also want land. Marty does not like neighbors because he grew up with the nearest people 1 mile away but Chelsea is smarter and wants to have families nearby. They have two kids and Chelsea wants them to have friends nearby. Smart momma.
My beard brings all the girls who like milkshakes to the yard.
Jennifer is cute with strawberry blond hair, and has a bright smile.
The Selection Process:
House 1) A nice Craftsman home, though Marty hates the traditional craftsman columns on the porch. Booo Marty. Listed at $540K, it has 5 beds and 5 bathrooms with 4500 sq ft. The lot backs up to a nature preserve. Nice open floor plan, a beautiful stone fireplace and imported granite in the kitchen. What is not to like? Ask Marty. He wants projects. The bedrooms are all upstairs and the master has a tray ceiling. The master bath has a cave-like shower with an arched entry. COOL. Chelsea loves it.
House 2) A nice yellow house with a huge red barn on the property. $500K, with 3 beds/4 baths and over 2,000 sq ft. You enter into an odd mudroom with a window into the main house. The kitchen is NEW with a super pricey stove and other appliances. One wall is covered in reclaimed wood. Paging Chip and Joanna to throw up some shiplap as well. Upstairs, it is bright and accommodating. The hall bath has wood-like tile in the shower which is neat. The master shower has enough space for Chip and Joanna but probably not Chelsea and Marty.
The yard has a small stream and is planted with nice landscaping. The property has trails and tons of space- 13+ acres in fact. Marty is a happy camper.
House 3) Over to an A-frame (kind of) listed for $490K with 3/2 in over 1900 sq ft. Kind of small. But the neighbors are nearby even though they have 20 acres to work with. There is a brick fireplace in the dining room which is a nice touch. Jennifer thinks Chelsea will have to make compromises with this house. The two bedrooms are small but the master is big, with vaulted ceilings. The master bath needs work. Chelsea thinks it has a lot that they were looking for, but it isnt new. Marty does not seem to care because he likes projects…like his wife. OOO BURN.
There is also a barn on the property in which Marty can cry and sob, or just use as a workshop.
Healthy budget and a healthy appetite- for renovations
It is a tough choice but it comes down to acreage, number of bedrooms and price. They need to make a decision fast because they want to move ASAP from their friend’s house. They ultimately agree on house 2- the farmhouse. It has the details and space they want. They paid the list price of $500K but it was a great decision for them, and Marty got his workshop in the barn. Good for them!
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