We’re back with a new year and a new season of Dance Moms. Somebody upstairs loves us. And by “loves”, I totally mean “is punishing” us.
The first hour was a PreUnion of sorts. The moms and Abby meet up to talk about last season and give us some teasers about the new season. It starts with all the girls dancing to “Just Be”. They all look pretty. Like seriously, they all are such pretty girls. (Please don’t let anyone say I’m have nothing nice to say about these kids.) It takes about 13 seconds for me to want to shove an apple in Madi’s mouth. Close your mouth, not everything is that painful.
Jeff “Blah” Collins is here to introduce the dance moms. Holly looks stunning. Jill and Christie look much the same. Melissa and Kelly do too. Whatever. The moms already/still hate each other… or at least they hate Melissa and her homeschooling ways. There are accusations of lying and money and a plethora of other things. Abby sits in the back with Gianna snarling at them all.
The girls come out and Christie announces that Brooke has a boyfriend. Paige says she doesn’t leave them alone, so things stay on the up and up. Again, all the girls are really pretty. Nia talks about her new dog, Olive. Apparently Cathy was giving Olive to Abby after Broadway Baby croaked, but Abby didn’t like Olive’s bug eyes. Just thinking about Broadway Baby makes Abby cry. It makes me laugh.
Madi shares a story about Abby making Nia pretend to be handicap so her fat ass could board the plane faster. Fat isn’t a handicap. It’s disgusting… but it’s not a handicap. But teaching kids to pretend to be handicap when it’s convenient is awesome. Great job, Abby. Mack tells everyone to wear more lipstick. Kendell likes to model and Chloe is a whore keeping her options open by texting 14 boys.
I think we all need to give Blah a round of applause for managing to make a whole stage of people feel completely awkward. He’s the absolute WORST host. Cringeworthy.
The stage has been cleared to make room for Abby; in all her black and sequined glory. She seems to find a way to be more unlikeable. And it’s for this reason that I think this show may not be long for this world. Bitchy and mean are great… in doses. But all she does is scream and gripe. And if you’re like me… it starts to get old. Blah says that the possible “Tour” is the point of contention with the moms. Abby says she is going to only invest her time in talented girls that she can train. She says that she has to do this tour because Madi has been carrying the team. Blah wants to know what the girls should do to get into Abby’s good graces.
First out is Kelly. Kelly says that Abby isn’t concerned with anyone except for Madi. They argue about whether Paige was set up (she kinda was) or if Brooke is a one hit wonder (she kinda is). It’s so ugly. The whole talk. And Blah is just such a pussy. They have Brooke and her band The AutoTunes come out and sing. I don’t know what to say. She’s not great. But she’s what you expect. She’s a reality pop star and she should suck us for every dime she can get. Therapy will not be free. Unless she goes on Couples Therapy. But I really think that she and Paige are probably really nice, well-rounded kids. I thought Kelly had pulled her kids from the show… but now I’m not sure yet. My brain isn’t working fast enough to figure out what exactly is going on here.