Happiest of New Years, Trashmii, and may our favorite trashy networks provide us with prime snark fodder in the coming year.
Aunt Dorsey mentioned “Are You Being Served” on the incomparable Droctor Who recap. Now THAT was a series. My absolute fave quote of all time was: “Take a peep through Mrs. Slocombe’s keyhole. If you see her pussy, shove a bit of fish in it.”
Okay, I’ve taken up enough space, and I know you can’t wait to read the last comments of the year 2013…
e-milton 714 on RHOBH Star F***er: I had to … comment on kathy hilton’s FACE!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!!!!!!! She is 1 nip away from being that cat woman jocelyn whatsherface.. What did she do?!
Ikanread on RHOBH Star F***er: I want to be whatever kind of sober Kim is. That sobriety looks fun!
MK on RHOBH Star F***er: Does Kyle not have one chair in the house?
Notwithoutmytv on RHOA Twirl Turns: When shown pictures of NeNe’s face and a hippopotamus’s ass, 8 out of 10 people couldn’t tell the difference. When NeNe’s bright yellow weave was pointed out to them, the 8 misidentifiers said they thought the wig was one of those scavenger birds that ride around on hippos, cleaning parasites off their hides.
Aunt Dorsey on RHOA Twirl Turns: Am I nuts, or does Apollo have a hair pick tattooed on his upper right shoulder? It sure looks like a hair pick. Who commemorates a hair pick with a tattoo? Was it his favorite hair pick from back in the day when he had an afro?
Aunt Dorsey on RHOA Twirl Turns: Nene’s new teeth may be the same size as a hippo’s teeth, but she has way more of them. I’d never mistake her face for the bum end of a hippo — or the front end for that matter. But, I’d give her the same healthy respect I’d give a hippo and get the hell out of her way. They’re killers.
Aunt Dorsey on RHOA Twirl Turns: I loved the irony that Kathy Hilton — the epitome of chic in her faux leopard muumuu — was giving cheap shit to her sisters about their clothes.
Notwithoutmytv on RHOA Twirl Turns: The Personal Parasite Protection (PPP) program required Apollo to have his once luxurious and free-growing ‘fro shaved off when he checked in as a “guest of the state”. He was pretty traumatized. That hair pick tattoo is his homage to his poor, departed means of self expression. And it has double meaning now that he’s the legal cabana boy of an insane, theatrical despotrix.
Sarcasatire on Survivor Trigger Happy: At first glance at that screengrab, I was like, “Why is Jeff holding an ice cream cone?” Hahaha! Jeff has a strawberry boner and I need to get my eyes checked.
NotWithoutMyTV on Shahs Persian Acres: I wish they’d let that little guy loose on that fucktard Reza. You know he’s all hat and no cattle–one punch and he’d start sniveling like a big, hirsute girl. (No offense to you big, hirsute girls out there. You’ve never done anything to me.)
Sarcasatire on Survivor Trigger Happy: Tyson looks like Gollum. Never before have I seen a man in underwear that I want to keep telling, “Sit down! Please don’t stand.”
Aunt Dorsey on Sleepy Hollow Treevilbeard: Love the idea of “Real Hosewives of Sleepy Hollow” with the obligatory house husbands. Ich can show me his sonic screwdriver any time — who says being an old lecher is strictly a male prerogative?
Aunt Dorsey on Survivor Mini: Yay! Tyson heard Mr. Dangerous’ lament about the dearth of penii and stuffed his panties with the idol. Not quite as effective as a rustled coconut, but still better than nothing. Can’t wait to see Jeffy swoon when Tyson turns the idol in with all those grody pheromones on it.
No, I’m Just Glad to See You on Survivor Mini: Caleb is the epitome of soft-spoken Southern manners. The ability to wound, yet seem as though you said something polite and innocuous is really quite a gift.
Itchy on Survivor Mini: Speaking of Tyson’s crotch. I give the man a break. He might just have a “white man’s surprise” down there. But what I think is really going on is that he’s so damn skinny there’s a huge gap between his thigh, which gives plenty of room for his package to dangle, making it less likely to bulge. And that’s my scientific opinion, based on my ongoing research.with fruit flies.
Vallegirl on Survivor Mini In reply to itchy: Thanks for explaining that thigh gap has an actual purpose other than to be another reason girls think they’re fat.
NotWithoutMyTV on Project Runway Milan et al: Let’s really examine this challenge:
–They’re designing a dress for a cartoon character.
–The cartoon character’s schtick is that she’s a hopelessly square mother and housewife.
–Cartoon characters always wear the same clothing.
–They’re designing for a person who doesn’t exist, so instead, they just put the outfit on their human models.
–If they win, an animated version of their design will appear on the cartoon.
I wouldn’t have even gotten out of bed to compete in this challenge.
Aunt Dorsey on Shahs Good Bad and Asa: Yup, of all the Shahs, Reza is the most muppet-ready of the bunch.
TN Gal on RHOBH Star F***er: Neither Kyle nor Kathy has any business doling out fashion advice. They both look like they shop at Backfat & Tacky.
Aunt Dorsey on Comment Showcase Winners: it’s of course *mandatory* that you stop drinking before you are even close to the Brandi Glanville stage. I still can’t wrap my mind around anyone leaving the house in miniscule black underwear, wearing a small piece of gauzy cheesecloth. She must have been absolutely hammered when she got “dressed”.
NotWithoutMyTV on RHOA Ruining Dinner: Kandi’s Sideshow Bob hair needs to have a seat. That shit’s all kinds of “Girl, no”.
PlathAddict on Mob Wives New Blood: Goodfellas is my favorite Scorsese movie! I totally missed that she said father-in-law. I have got to stop drinking while watching this show.
Chicken Lips on Mob Wives New Blood: Or maybe you need to drink more. I have a feeling I would have understood Mini Me a lot better if I was 10 sheets to the wind, too.
Apple Pie on Sons of Anarchy Dead: We have a brutal honesty policy in our family. If your family can’t crush your feelings, who can?
Carol on Survivor About to Rock: Also, in both Survivor & The Amazing Race, why haven’t the contestants figured out if you can’t find something on the first try, just watch your cameraman and see where they point the camera.
Aunt Dorsey on Comment Showcase: What the hay, my cupboard is fully stocked with kibble so the cats won’t kill me and I’ve got a full bottle of Old Door Knob. The power didn’t cut off during the ice storm, so should have plenty of trash TV to watch. Let it snow!
No, I’m Just Glad to See You on Survivor About to Rock: In reply to Aunt Dorsey. “Tsunami of shit”. It’s going to take weeks of therapy and a brain colonic to wipe that image out. Lordy!
Aunt Dorsey on RHOBH Fat Girl’s Name: Holy crap! Her Beigeness must have gotten a lemon caught in her cooch, she’s acting all ‘consternated’, bless her heart. She needs to Kegel that out of there. Jeeze, I thought she hated the “disgusting drunk vimmen.” Brandi seems like a whole CROWD of “drunk vimmen” all by herself. Her Beigeness should have plugged Brandi’s yap with a lemon.
Joyce’s nose looks like she got it at the same store LaToya, Michael and Janet bought theirs — at Plastic Surgeons ‘r’ Us. Except theirs must have been a groupon. And Carlton just reminds me of a rawhide dog’s bone with bad tattoos.
Brandi and Carlton kissing is like a highly efficacious PSA for abstaining from sex — any sex, ever. And it must be working, since MTV just cancelled Teen Mom3.
Aunt Dorsey on Top Chef Devil: I like Carlos too. I think the elastic on DevilBear’s panties is completely shot. He needs to grab his drawers and get a hold of himself because he was one tantrum short of going completely Rumplestiltskin. Maybe if Nina had told him to “suck a dick, straight up” he might have snapped out of it.
Aunt Dorsey on Comment Showcase Vote: We call the heat and humidity combo “Humility”. I like snow, trouble is it melts during the day and refreezes at night, so watching fools trying to drive is major entertainment.
NotWithoutMyTV on RHOBH Fat Girl’s Name: My real name is Randall, but people are always calling me Galacticus. So I know exactly what you mean! I just go with it and don’t let it bother me. (I admit I have flipped my wig a few times when Radar Online both calls me by the wrong name and spells Galacticus with a “k”. I mean, Christ in a four-Jamaican bobsled… don’t those people have even ONE fact-checker??)
Classy Drunk on RHOBH Fat Girl’s Name: If you make an off color joke around your friends keep that joke within your friend circle. You two black friends do not speak for all blacks Brandi. Also no one likes a reused joke. It just isn’t done.
Spiralina on American Horror Story Comet Enema: Oh please, you know Goopy only douches her high-and-mighty bum with organic Tibetan yak spit that was blessed by the Dalai Lama.
Classy Drunk on Shahs Discotheque: I can’t be mad at Lilly. I’ve asked for the hot girl or the pretty girl discount before. Works out more times than not. The good book says ask and ye shall receive so I am going to keep on asking.
Classy Drunk on RHOBH Fat Girl’s Name: In reply to NotWithoutMyTV. #fail my computer stayed dry this time…
Gypsy on Shahs No Crying: Reza needs to chill with that black shoe polish due on his hair and ‘stach it’s almost Elvis Blue.
Itchy on Survivor Rock: Man, you people missed it! I typed out one of the funniest comments I’ve ever made! One of the funniest comments ever PERIOD! I would’ve had you all pissing in your pants. Yes! Pissing! And Pooing too! (Well for some of you older gals, anyway). But it all got lost. Lost! How? Stupid laptop, that’s how. For once, this one wasn’t Probst’s fault.
Aunt Dorsey on Shahs No Crying: Reza and MJ are the Tweedledum and Tweedledee of mean. I wouldn’t want either of them as friends. Because their M.O. is mean “teasing” to make themselves somehow feel better. They both have cancer of the soul.
Gypsy on BGC Sarah’s Show: I observed some other things like:
Why do I care?
Why am I watching this show at my age?
Why do I feel compelled to comment and let it be known publicly that I do watch this show?
Stacey Superfly on Crappens #107: OMG you guys had me laughing so hard my son walked down the stairs to complain that I woke him up…I said bitch puhleeze, you’re 26 get a job and get the fuck out of my house if you want a good nights sleep!
Gypsy on Pump Rules Gay Pride: Is this happening? Still? Make it STOP!
NotWithoutMyTV on Pump Rules Gay Pride: Seriously, though: Are any gays upset that reality TV has reduced their entire lifestyle to an easily exploitable fad? Basically, Bravo and its ilk has put having a pocket gay around and participating in a Pride parade is on the same level as hookahs and flavored vodka: cheap, throw-away frameworks on which to hang manufactured drama.
RonnieK on Crappens #107: I couldn’t believe Katie asked us that, and then went on to diss Ross! EXCAUUUUZE MOI! Guess who’s getting tin roosters and fat ceramic chefs for Xmas? EVERYONE I KNOW.
Gypsy’s response to Galacticus, er NotWithoutMyTV, over on Vanderpump Poos: You could do God’s work in Austrailia. I hear their feral cat problem is tremendous.
Aunt Dorsey on Comment Showcase Winners: Oh yeah, and I want to nominate Galacticus as our very own GODWarrior for the month of December. Let the spaying begin!
TN Gal on Comment Showcase Winners: Does GODwarrior mean he has to jack something to Jesus? ‘Cause, that might not turn out so good.
Aunt Dorsey on Pump Rules Gay Pride: My eyes were playing tricks on me, instead of seeing SUR on the guys’ chests, I misread it as a big pink SLUT. Cleaning my glasses helped, but nothing could alleviate the caterwauling that Scheana was doing. Her speaking voice makes my ears bleed, so her trilling wasn’t an improvement. The cats wisely voted with their feet and left the room.
Aunt Dorsey on Amazing Race Alaska: I was sorry the footage of her reaming the pilot a new one was cut from the show. I hope he varied the speed considerably after she opened her yap. It was probably like having a rabid chihuahua on board.
Jimbob Jones on Amazing Race Alaska: “You know, because his idiot wife cost him a million dollars” In his defense, with all of the malpractice lawsuits those two undoubtedly have, they really needed the money.
Itchy on Comment Showcase Winners: I always picture NotWithoutMyTV as a crusty old New Englander, with a musket and a three-corner hat.
NotWithoutMyTV on Shahs No Crying: Lilly’s real career involves a lot blow jobs in the back seats of idling Towne Cars… And, now that I think about it, so does Reza’s.
Gypsy on RHOBH Gay Pride: As if that snotty mess has the capability to do anything but what she is doing presently. Also, I concur she wins for Miss Ugly Crier of the Universe ( NOT to be confused with Miss Ugly Crier of USA) Award.
Rachel Kashmir on Millionaire Matchmaker KK’s BFF: @ Miss Annie- Thank you so much for taking one for the team!
I don’t think there is a lower life form than a Kardashian flunkie. The most disturbing aspect of Jonathan Cheban is he has absolutely no shame in the fact that he is KK’s ‘BFF’ or the fact that that is his ONE AND ONLY claim to fame. He’s an entrepreneur like KK is a fashion designer.
TN Gal on Comment Showcase Winners: It’s Friday the 13th. So far today I’ve heard Jenelle Evans is having baby number two, with baby daddy number two, while still married to husband number one, AND Gretchen and Slave (thanks autocorrect!) are appearing on another reality show. I think it’s time to wave the white flag and crawl into a box of wine.
Stacey Superfly on Comment Showcase Winners in response to TN Gal: We’re gonna need a bigger box of wine.
Aunt Dorsey on Comment Showcase Winners: Cases like these, you need to pull out the big guns and break out the Old Door Knob, if you can’t find some Lydia Pinkhams to quell the vapors.
Notwithoutmytv on RHOA: That picture on the first page is a great shot of Phaedra making that patented face of hers: a cross between “did the cat pee on this couch?” and the reaction of a Dark Ages Germanic serf confronted with an issue of Cosmopolitan.
Notwithoutmytv on RHOA: I really wonder how much of Joyce’s damn-peculiar dealio is acting up for camera time and how much is the product of neurofibrillary tangles.
Either way, put that nasty old bitch in a home and call there on Christmas and Mother’s Day to check if she’s still alive.
Lady Marmalaid on Millionaire Matchmaker KK’s BFF: I’m sure Kanye Kardashian isn’t letting a—hole Jonathan hang around his little KimmyKakes anymore, he’s too into food and Kaynye doesn’t want Kimmys fat butt getting too big. Oh well he can become Khloe’s BFFLunkie now that she’s divorcing Lamar.
Chicken Lips on Top Chef Limp: “Bacon and coffee ham jam”? Isn’t that what happens if you eat breakfast too quickly after a night of drinking?
Aunt Dorsey on Top Chef Limp: I’d like to see Padma picking squirrel fur out of her teef. She probably had a lot of practice during her marriage to Mr. Satanic Verses, so I’m sure she does it with finesse.
Sarcasatire on Shahs Mini I Hate You: Yea.. and MJ was being so passive aggressive, looking like a wide eyed scared bunny when she was the one who created the mess. If she was really so upset and disturbed then she would have apologized earlier. Not just let GG get more and more frustrated until she’s screaming and then belt out a half apology to shut her up. Then walk out like a victim and GG looks like an idiot and rage-aholic.
Well played, MJ.
Aunt Dorsey on Project Runway QV SeeYa: Way back in the ’70s, “Harvest Gold” was a popular color for kitchen appliances. It was preceded by “Avocado” — how in hell Viktor found that exact shade for his dress is amazing. Both those “designer” colors convinced me that the only color I wanted to look at every day was white.
Notwithoutmytv on QV Seeya: Viktor’s incredible, inspirational, and touching bravery inspired me to reveal a heart-breaking secret of my own: I’ve been living with toenail fungus since 2011. I was going to wait until there were cameras around (or a week that I totally fucked up my design) for the big reveal, but I couldn’t keep it inside any more…
Hatched one to NWMTV ob QVSeeya: @notwithoutmymtv: I applaud your courage in revealing what I’m sure is a devastating illness. Be brave, little soldier! BTW – did you know that Vicks VapoRub will clear this up?
Stacey Superfly on Project Runway QVSee Ya: Damn, hate to out myself but my bathing suit top is navy and bottoms are black…hey man, all I can afford is goodwill and I am in the pool where no one can see it so I don’t know why you had to shame me in your recap….boofuckinhoo.
Stacey Superfly on Project Runway QVSee Ya: One more shameful secret…I bought one of those fans at goodwill too, fucking hot flashes every damn hour are killing me! Guess I should change my name to FashionRoadkill…I would fit in perfectly at All Stars!
PopePhilly on Project Runway QVSee Ya: In reply to Aunt Dorsey.I think I watched it one time while staying in a crappy hotel room. It was one of the few channels I got. And I have no doubt that Viktor’s big moment was producer manipulated. Then again, it’s a reality TV show. Do we really expect anything else?
PopePhilly on Project Runway QVSee Ya: Three people who are good and three people who aren’t so good.” When there are only six contestants, it’s hard to not have a top three and bottom three.
PlathAddict BGC Reunion Sarah Show: I agree that Flo is psycho. But, I will never forget that epic moment of BGC history where she flung that one ho across the patio – while she had a broken foot. That is some tough girl shit right there.
Finnegan on the Sleepy Hollow mini Golem: a gentleman of ichabod’s character would never evince a desire to motorboat his lady wife anywhere but in the privacy of their bedroom.
Cattyfan on Survivor Monica: “I have to give a bug thank you to our fearless leader RonnieK…”A bug thank you. Your gnat serious, are you? Yes, I spider mistake. Termite wanna use spell check in the future. (***note: there was no way to work dung beetle into this.)
Lizz on Shahs Parade: When they first showed Lily (ugh) hitchhiking on the parade route, I honestly thought it was a drag queen version of her.
NotWithoutMyTV on Project Runway QVSee: I found the irony of having Lisa Whatsherpussy from QVC–a woman who voluntarily had most of her nose sliced off her face–judge Korto, whose nose knows no bounds, including international borders–to be nutritious and delicious.
I think Lisa’s in line to be Housewife. Her face is well along that characture-of-a-movie-star appearance trajectory those women always seem to wind up on and never know when to get off.
NotWithoutMyTV on Shahs Persian Pride: I utterly reject Reza’s redemption story arc. The person or situation most responsible for Reza’s egregious asshattery is Reza.
So screw him, and his shoe-black Saddam ‘stache, too.
ValleGirl on Survivor Monica: She burned every single person who could have helped her get rid of Tyson as well as Monica and Gervase then, only when it was written out in neon that those guys weren’t going to help her win did she start playing.
By the time she started actually strategizing and playing she’d already lost the game.
Mister Dangerous in reply to ValleGirl on Survivor Monica: I was starting to like Ciera but when you put it that way — she’s an idiot.
Eyediosmio on Shahs Persian Pride: I was going to make a drag joke about Lily, even her daytime looks resemble a drag version of her. She’s a mess.
Eyediosmio responding to NWMTV on Shahs Persian Pride: We’ll see how genuine his “redemption” truly is. I mean, even shitty people hurt sometimes, right?
ValleGirl on Survivor Finale Mini: Dear Monica,
Please stop telling people you and PepperPooter met at the University of Florida.
Considerthis on Survivor Finale Mini: Thank God Monica was able to take advantage of the down time between final tribal and the reunion show to get her face rebuilt. Wow by day 39 she was nothing but skin & melting implants!
No, I’m just glad to see you on Survivor Finale Mini: Gervase should have come up with a better speech. He had a season’s worth of time to compose it while Tyson did all of the heavy lifting. Still his ability to bend over and kiss his own ass while talking out of it at the same time was awe inspiring. Alas, it was one contortion short of the win.
Labowner on Shahs Persian Pride: Might we see the beginnings of a mid-life crisis for Reza? Knowing Reza’s ego, he probably thinks he looked just as good as Sasha does when he was that age.
Eye I am assuming Sasha wore that ensemble because he knew he mostly likely be on camera. Just remember, not all “friends” end up becoming full time members. Even Greg from Jersey had to give up trying to become a regular.
Itchy on Survivor Finale Mini: B – B – B = ? Big Brother Bikinis?
Cattyfan on Survivor Finale Mini: B-B-B…Butts, Boobs, and Blubbering.
But the way, Cleaned Up Hayden looks like the buff brother of Scott Clifton.
captain save-uh-ho on Survivor Finale Mini: soOOO many things to talk about, can’t wait for the full cap PM! In the meantime I’ll stare in the mirror and talk to myself in third person to boost my ego, while reminiscing over all the life changing things I NEVER did. GAH.
Aunt Dorsey on Survivor Finale Mini: Only a total PepperPooter would toot her own horn and loudly sing the ’80s “me generation” theme song, do a tap routine to “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar” and thoroughly alarm both Tyson and Gervase, so much so, that Tyson gives his not-hidden immunity idol, he was saving as a love offering to Rachel, to Gervase. Masterful, you dumb knucklehead. What a big move. I guess you showed them.
Cattyfan on Survivor Finale Mini: Hey! There was no “fan favorite” check handed out. Must have been part of the budgets cuts. Other evidence includes no big reward trips…just a sad little ice cream cart wheeled into camp.
Stevie W. on Courtney Loves Dallas Parts 1&2: So is the “EX” actually her ex or is he a former BFF she had feelings for?
Also THIRTY……… 30……. what in Blanche Devereaux years?!?!?!?!
Stacey Superfly on RHOBH Panties: Kim is clearly loaded and needs to start sharing her pills with Kyle stat. Funny how Kyle falls apart at the mere hint of Maurice banging trannys while screeching at the top of her lungs about how happy her marriage is. She is doing a bang up job teaching her daughters to cling tightly to a mans wallet even when “everybody knows” he is banging every Tom, Tom and Horseyface he see’s. Yoyce…boring. Yoli…boring. Carlton…hey, where are my smokes? Brandi…gaping festering cunt. Lisa is and always will be the fucking queen on these hags.
Itchy on Comment Showcase: Well, I’m giving it to Madame Superfly, mostly because of the nightmare image of my kids still living at my house when they’re 26. Brrr.
RachelKashmir on Courtney Loves 1&2: @CynTV- 6 Head- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA! I was going to ignore this poor man’s Carrie Bradshaw but if you’re recapping, I’m all in for hate-watching.
This show is like Sex in the City fan fic, written by people who have no talent. It is an IMPOSSIBILITY for me to believe ANY person with EYES would look at how this woman dresses and think, “Yeah, I want look like I raided Rainbow Brite’s dumpster.” Ugs. This woman is a self-important twit. It’s clothes, lady. No one is curing cancer here.
Gypsy on RHOBH Panties: You know what’s mean? Kyle never made it past a 1st grade lexicon. That’s MEAN!
Chicken Lips on Survivor Finale Mini: When I was trying to guess what the BBB was, I specifically left “Brains” out of my guessing, but I definitely had Butts and Boobs in there because they like to get the biggest idiots with the biggest boobs running around in bikinis.
I’m kind of afraid of the “Brains” part, but after seeing what they did with Cockring at the reunion, I’m assuming it’s going to be a tribe full of Cockrings with the glasses and calculators, drooling over the boobs on Beauty and getting stuffed into the tree mail box by the Brawn. Sounds awesome – can’t wait (that was sarcasm by the way).
Gypsy on Courtney Loves 1&2: Didn’t she used to manage a Sunglass Hut? That’s the pedigree I look for in a top stylist.
MK on RHOBH Panties: Oh Ronnie, meat origami! As Twitch would say, I don’t …I don’t know. I don’t…know what to think.
Fury13 on Courtney Loves 1&2: Yesyesyes Gypsy! At the Galleria Mall! I personally do not consider that to be a ‘cushy corporate job’ but then she also referred to D Magazine as a ‘chic city guide’. Fear not, other states: D Magazine rewards good reviews to restaurants that pay to advertise, features ‘Best Plastic Surgeon’, etc. under similar circumstance, and someone (I’m guessing Bravo) paid to have her featured in 10 Most Attractive Women feature.
TNGAl on Courtney Loves 1&2: I tried watching this mess, and couldn’t make heads or tails out of it. I felt like Kim Richards watching Carlton and Brandi kiss. I. Don’t. Know. I don’t know….I don’t……know.
I will say girlfriend needs to learn how to style her hair around that forehead. You could rent out billboard space on it.
Aunt Dorsey on RHOBH Panties: I guess Her Beigeness is electing to carry Brandi’s shit-stained pillow this season. Poor Twitch is on her own. She always delivers though, that praying at the trash can scene had me crying.
It would be utterly delicious if the Bitchard sisters decided to hold an intervention for Brandi this season. The one Vyle and Twitch held for Taylor was tasty.
Aunt Dorsey on Courtney Loves 1&2: It took me a minute to visually separate her hair from her furry faux vest. I really thought she was taking home the do-it-yourself prize for hair extensions made from a Yorkie.
Sarcasatire on Survivor Finale Mini: You know what lost the game for Monica? Botox. How frustrating it must be to keep screeching that you’re real yet never change expression.
When everyone calls you fake, they’re talking about your face.
Itchy on Survivor Finale Mini: Did Probst let Pepperpooter speak during the reunion? (Frankly, it was so boring, I only half-listened).
Oh. And Probst is starting to look mighty damn leathery. Seeing him next to Cockring was interesting. Never realizes Probst was that short. And they missed a big opportunity in Cockring’s little reel — how hilarious would it have been if Arnett had spelled his name “Cockring”?
Anyone watch that show? Is it any good?
NotWithoutMyTV on RHOBH Panties: My new hiphop song drops Dec 23rd.
BOOM, BOOM! BOOM-DIDDY-BOOM!
Panties in a wad! Panties in a wad!
Slam da door on ME bitch,
least I ain’t marryin’ Todd!
Hear da noise you makin
bout nuthin’ at all
I SHIT bigger drama
than you get up tall
Panties in a wad! Panties in a wad!
Can slam da door on ME bitch,
but least I ain’t marryin’ Todd!
Mama Joyce got it goin’ on
Twitchy’s out da house too
But Lisa’s da spin off queen
Bitch ain’t got none for you.
MUTHA FUCKIN’ PANTIES IN A WAD!
TN Gal on Courtney Loves 1&2: *raises hand and makes Arnold Horseshack “oooh, oooh” noise*
Tammy Sue Barney Judge! She’s taking Simin to court so the kids can appear on OC next season. I guess she’s ran out of people/situations to exploit and old Rapey Eyes Ryan is too busy. Time to send the next generation into therapy!
TN Gal replying to Labowner’s question on Courtney Loves 1&2: Cort. Tre has a low hairline. Cort’s looks like it’s trying to run away from her face.
Aunt Dorsey on Pump Rules Drunk: Ooooof, we had to see StassInfection get her cooch and her ass waxed, I guess the silver lining is that we didn’t have to stick around and watch her get her asshole bleached….Thankfully she’s all demure like that and knows where to draw the line.
Stevie W. on Pump Rules Drunk: I felt there needed to be a PSA disclaimer at the end. You know like, “Verbal/Verbage abuse is never OK, if you are someone you love is stuck in a relationship where you hate each other and need to break up, just do it and stop tormenting each other you will both be happier. TRUST.”
Gypsy on Pump Rules Drunk: A “Just Break Up” PSA?
Rachelkashmir on Pump Rules Drunk: I’m hoping HorseFace #1 did bone Jax, if only to see Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaasi’s head explode when she finds out. I’m surprised ANYONE would go to SUR after watching this show. You could flood that place is medical grade bleach and you would still get herpes after sitting on the bar stools.
Stacey Superfly on Shahs Fake: I hope Jessica doesn’t marry Mike, he really is a loser, cute, but wouldn’t know hard work if it bit him in the ass. His mommy told us.
Stacey Superfly on January’s Best: The wonderful role models for life we see on our shows are the perfect antidote for those of us depressives during the holiday trying to decide whether to pull the trigger or give it another year….suicide rates are about to skyrocket…by Bravo!
NotWithoutMyTV on January’s Best: >>>Lance was not a douchebag up until the point in time that Oprah made him cry. It’s Oprah’s fault that he is a douchebag.<<<
I also blame Oprah for climate change, teenage promiscuity, the radioactive decay of the nuclear family, and Strawberry-Vanilla Pez.
That megalomaniacal motormouth has got a lot to answer for, yo.
Plockness Monster on February’s Best: Someone give Itchy and NWMTV their own tv show. Kind of like “Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifwhatever” except they sit in between 2 huge marijuana plants. And they wear those horse head masks that have become so popular this past year and talk with snooty British accents because of, you know, modesty and all that.
Itchy in reply to Plockness Monster on February’s Best: I’m in. Except for the horse head mask thing. They don’t fit well over my horns, and I end up chafing.
CynTV on Millionaire Matchmaker Norway: I recap Courtney Does Dallas, and she looks so much better on your show than mine! Patti is such a celebrity kiss-ass. I wish she’d shove her own tongue down her throat.
Cafeine72 on PumpRules BORED: Scheana gets extra points from me (pulling her up to just mild annoyance level) for finally calling out Katie’s ugly fucking hair color. How it hasn’t come up as an insult before now is a mystery.
Sarcasatire on March’s Best: This is hilarious! I’m kinda blushing at my snark..sorry, Patricia. Your bug eyed look could totes be a thyroid malfunction.
Labowner on PumpRules BORED: I just keep thinking of Kristen giving Katie and Stassi shit for not standing up to Lisa and look at the crap she takes from Stassi. Please don’t let any of these people procreate.
Holyterror on RHOBH Haterade: Yoli’s hair makes her look like Klaus Kinski in “Aguirra: The Wrath of God.”
Holyterror on RHOBH Haterade: Isn’t the point of bringing along “friends” to “help” finding your dog panning out so you cover more ground? Not just all walking around in the same 20-foot radius in a sullen, ineffective mob?
TN Gal on RHOBH Haterade: I love that while Kyle brings a bottle of wine to the hosts, Brandi brings a bottle to drink on the way. Girlfriend is turning into a sloppy mess.
Nancy McDonald on Charlie Brown: Ours was a fake shiny all white tree decorated exclusively with red lights and ornaments, with a few empty spots because the bratty siamese cat would swat several of the lower hanging teardrop numbers to the floor to maximize the chance that someone would cut their foot on shards of the thin metalglass. The red glow emanating from the tree was better suited for a brothel on the outskirts of Reno.
Cattyfan on Project Runway Trendsetters: My jammie issue was resolved this morning by a gift from my brother and his wife. Sock monkey jammies…both hoodie and footie. Because in spite of my having hit middle age, my darling older brother still thinks I’m six. And ya know what? I’m okay with that.
PopePhilly on PR Trendsetters: I think we should make a rule. If you have to use power tools to cut your fabric, you probably shouldn’t use it as the main part of your garment.
Stacey Superfly on June’s Comments: I woke up sick and as you know laughter is the best medicine…although the peeing that goes along with the laughing I could do without!
TN Gal on RHOBH Haterade: I think we need to send Dear Crabby to recap one of Joyce’s pageants. If that plastic bitch thinks Brandi is bad, wait ’til us Little Debbie eatin’, rascal ridin’, Old Door Knob drinkin’ Trashmii start in on her. Bitch wouldn’t stand a chance, know that!
Aunt Dorsey on RHOB Haterade: Yoyce’s hands are ALWAYS in her ‘washed-once-a-week’ hair, tossing it, flipping it, caressing it… We get it already Rapunzel. She sure didn’t wash them before she had her hands all up in those appetizers she was making either….gah.
TN Gal on July’s Best: TLC will find something just as craptacular to watch. Or they better. I think we should start a write-in campaign for a TnT/Gypsy Sisters/Cops crossover. You know they’d take Mayo Mom to jail just on general principle.
Chicken Lips on July’s Best: Wait, what? Did they really cancel TnT? Watching TnT with my Little Debbies and vodka and then hanging with my TTV homies talking about the episode is basically my whole reason for living. What is left for me if I don’t have that?!?!?!?!?!
TN Gal on RHOA Chuck: Me thinks the wheels on Porsha’s bus do NOT go all the way ’round.
RachelKashmir on The Millionaire Matchmaker Fleeing: The thing that amuses me the most is how Patti and the Bravo Editing Monkeys are still trying to fob this show off as being real and authentic, like Patti’s clients aren’t grifting slimebags who are trying to promote their ‘businesses’ and the women aren’t wannabe gold diggers, and Patti isn’t the most materialistic woman EVER. Oh well. Won’t stop me from hate watching.
Classy Drunk on RHOA Chuck: Smh…Mynique. Your hubby played football, he had past relationships he probably wasn’t truthful about. You think Mama Joyce is good friends with Kandi’s two week fuck buddy? You sound as stupid as Porsha.
Redmeph on Doctor Who Space Pope: Mr’s Slocombe’s Pussy is a byword in UK culture. Ok it was always intended to be a rude joke, but it passes the ‘Two Ronnies’ test of being entirely explainable to a child without saying what it actually means.
Just to give your ban a bit of perspective, you (Aunt Dorsey) got censored for referencing a show that has been aired in the ‘kids are awake so no rude stuff’ time slot for the last 41 years on the BBC, which abides by strict decency guidelines, especially before 9pm! That’s a level of censorship that would make Pravda proud! That forum must live in fear of women showing off their ankles in an unwarranted fashion too.
Aunt Dorsey on Millionaire Matchmaker Fleeing: Thank you for recapping another exciting episode of “The Patti Stanker Procurement Agency” — I can’t stomach that vapid bitch and her bloated ego. If her love life over the past 30 years is any indication of her “success” at making love matches, I think most of her clientele would be better off going to Christian Mingle… At least the no nooky rules are probably the same.
Sheesh on Mob Wives Smells: Big Ang wants to have a baby. A child of her own. From her. Biological and all that.
That felt good.
I can skip my workout today.
NotWithoutMyTV on October’s Best: Phil’s got quite the Kung Fu grip on A&E, doesn’t he? Apparently, if my reality show had sufficient ratings, I could tattoo a swastika on my wang, and be filmed naked while I drop kittens into a blender and read erotic fan fic about Meg from “The Family Guy” aloud from a teleprompter. A&E would just issue a statement saying that while they, as a network, “love kittens and tasteful tattoos, support responsible blender use, and respect religious diversity, NotWithoutMyTV’s views and actions are his own, and in no way reflect on A&E. And don’t forget to watch NotWithoutMyTV and his wacky kin on next week’s all-new episode of ‘What In the Blue F#@k Does NWMTV Think He’s Doing Now!?’ “
NotWithoutMyTV on October’s Best: And, as long as I claimed that the Bible says kittens are best pureed, and that it’s no sin to speak of sodomizing an under-age cartoon character during prime time, millions of Christian fans would put down their Dr. Pepper-fried balogna sammiches long enough to post semiliterate Internet responses rife with Bible verses in my defense.
TN Gal on Sister Wives Mini: Yay, dysFUNction family drama, just in time for the holiday, said no one ever. I am confused about something. If Kodilocks and wife number whatever’s mother are sister wives, does that make them step siblings, or something? Forgive the stupidity about the family tree, but my brain refuses to compute the ickiness.
Redmeph on Doctor Who Space Pope: It makes me think that if I ever meet Steven Moffat, I’ll have to prelude the conversation with ‘I don’t want to fuck you, by the way’, just to reassure him that I’m not about to try and wrestle him to the ground in an inappropriate manner. Or perhaps say, ‘Well I never thought I would like to sleep with you Steven, but now I’ve met you I’m considering it’ in case I do try to. You never know.
Stacey Superfly on RHOBH Hags: Candle Wax and Sadness, a fragrance by Brandi G…coming to a street corner in the ghetto near you! Soon to be followed by her new vibrator line aptly named GO FUCK YOURSELF BITCH!
SusieZee on RHOBH Hags: Don’t you love how pathetic Carlton Your Doorman is when she constantly tries to sell us on her crazy, subversive, dangerous sex life? Next week she gets a tribal art neck tattoo. Welcome to 1995, Carlton. Now cover up, you’re scaring people.
Aunt Dorsey on October’s Best: Hmmmm, thanks for the tips, I’ll try out that “arterial urine flow” excuse, even though a casual mention that “I’ve got a right bad case of the Jersey Squirts” usually works a treat.
I suppose it’s too much to hope that the “Charlie Sheen multi-tasker” shows up on cops?
Classy Drunk on RHOBH Hags: No wonder Kyle’s clothes don’t fit. She thinks she is a 4 when she’s really a 4 husky.
RachelKashmir on RHOBH Hags: Yoyce and her bloated husband remind me of the Belinos: Beautiful, surgically altered wife who couldn’t outwit a used tea bag and self-important, unattractive, dull husband trying to be the Our Marriage is So Strong boiler plate couple. Yoyce needs to stop fronting that she married that loaf for anything other than his BIG, FAT WALLET.
Aunt Dorsey replying to Rachel on RHOBH Hags: Ja, but Queen of the Universe also let us know she loves his ginormous knockwurst which is so HUGE it almost doesn’t fit in her eeny weeny teensy “baby-sized” cooter.
NotWithoutMyTV on Sister Wives Mini: It’s probably wasted effort trying to figure it out. This isn’t The Learning Channel anymore.
TN Gal on Sister Wives Mini: NWMTV, how can you say that??! TLC has taught us how to whore up a three year old, fight like inbred gypsies, bake like a boss, AND gave us forklift foot and sketti with ketchup and butter. Without TLC, how would we have ever known a bunch of illiterate hill jacks with hair jacked to Baby Jeebus would try to report all of us to the internet police for talking smack about their facially ungifted bratty demon spawn. That’s some learnin’ right there.
NotWithoutMyTV on RHOA Chuck replying to Aunt Dorsey: He didn’t “date” NeNe. He paid $25 to motorboat her bazongas until “Every Rose Has It’s Thorns” finished playing.
And: Phaedra’s breast pump was just for show. At home, Apollo drivers Phaedra into a milking stall, then he attaches one of those commercial dairy milking machines to her. Phaedra passes the time reading up on ancient Egyptian cat embalming procedures, or calmly chewing oats and staring off into space.
Apollo’s pet name for her is “Ol’ Dirty Teatz”.
Sarcasatire on RHOBH Hags: Poor Carlton is suffering from a terrible disease.
MollyMommy on RHOBH: +8 to StaceySuperfly, there is NO better branding for a vibrator line than “GFY,B!”™
+4 TO Aunt Dorsey on the shriveled ovaries & uterus tattoo.
Brandi is carrying the season because it’s the poor who get the work done in America.
Caffeine72 on PumpRules Break Up: Watching Kristen’s breakdown is amazing. She’s like the Russian dashcam videos of Bravo. If I worked with her, though, I’d kill her. Bitch, you are the reason that everyone else is in the damned weeds. Suck it up, do your shift, and THEN go get shitfaced and freak out. You’re over 30. You know these things by now.
Holyterror on RHOBH Hags: So how about that Kim at the racetrack, ‘n’ all? Huh? HUH?
Classsy Drunk on November’s Best: Ha! There’s a link on here to 37 child actors who grew up to be ugly! Who does that during the holidays *clicks link to laugh at ugly people*
MK on RHOBH Hags: I’d rather watch a Michael Bolton commercial then see another Carlton storyline.
The final comment of 2013 is just plain appropriate:
Furious Flipper on RHOBH Haterade: Ah, you are frigging the frigging best, Ronnie.
And you are all the frigging best, commenters. Thank you for providing all of us with so much fun throughout the year.